tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3145812932021037131.post8659637359744698250..comments2021-06-21T04:08:50.218+02:00Comments on Scatha Rising From Ashes: Not being a proxy and stories of someone I don't knowScathahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10142503058944423178noreply@blogger.comBlogger8125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3145812932021037131.post-29697648969821427732012-08-13T12:38:28.459+02:002012-08-13T12:38:28.459+02:00Scatha,
First, Congrats on your beautiful handling...Scatha,<br />First, Congrats on your beautiful handling of both conversations! You were spot on, and you deserve big praise for walking out when you did. Second, also, for not letting NM shame you about the way you "behaved" when you left. I think you're absolutely right about her throwing around "trigger" words. My own NM used to do this all the time (we don't talk now, since the plagiarism). Always trust your intuition. Narcs are brilliant at knowing which words and topics could call us out; not letting them catch us is our only duty to ourselves. Then, sit back and listen to them natter on about people they barely know, about the most ridiculous things. Once, about ten years ago, my NM came to visit, and walked in the door and proceeded to talk about some stranger's bunions, for about 5 minutes, until I interrupted her. I'm not making this up! I still don't know what she was trying to trigger, but I suspect it had something to do with being older and traveling being hard on the feet! OY. Nice work Scatha!Calibans Sisterhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04817489284771105048noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3145812932021037131.post-55771027003596635182012-08-11T04:33:47.548+02:002012-08-11T04:33:47.548+02:00TW, I tried to have what I called a "superfic...TW, I tried to have what I called a "superficial" relationship with my NPs. Much like your relationship with a passing acquaintance or neighbour you bump into now and then.<br /><br />I also tried a technique called Medium Chill (http://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=114204.msg354333#msg354333).<br /><br />Both of these were a complete failure because, as you know from experience, people like Scatha's NM thrive on confrontation and drama. If they don't get it, they just keep upping the ante until their sick needs are fulfilled.<br /><br />Personally, I reached a point where I asked myself, "Is this the life I want for myself?" My answer was a resounding, "NO!"<br /><br />To contemplate a life of constantly walking on eggshells, yet still being verbally/emotionally abused, was a pretty dismal prospect and certainly not the way I had envisioned my senior years.<br /><br />Scatha: Get out while you still can!mulderfanhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07500535934417551223noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3145812932021037131.post-14614182055868340282012-08-11T00:36:10.569+02:002012-08-11T00:36:10.569+02:00scatha, What's your bottom line? What's yo...scatha, What's your bottom line? What's your personal "End Game?" That's entirely your business but here's what I learned and this is just me, not you, OK? If I don't have a VERY CLEAR "THAT'S IT" or, "OK, this is what I needed to see BEHAVIORALLY" before I tighten up my boundaries behaviorally or ultimately walk away, I'll never know if I've reached it, or for that matter what the hell "It" is.<br />Now, I have a sense of the "Cultural" Issues. The reality is Cluster Bs transcend all cultures, all socioeconomic groups, both genders and all ages-certainly above the age of 21. IMO, you handled the situation beautifully by refusing to become drawn into the very obvious "threat"/drama. My sense is you're scared to death of this woman and what she *might* do.<br /> "She literally jumped on me" is considered BODILY ASSAULT where I reside. Do you understand this is considered a Criminal Offense? What happened next-whether it's a kiss or a knife doesn't matter-it's Criminal. Regardless of the relationship. You weren't prepared for that move were you? Do you see how she's picking up on your behavioral cues and upping her "game?"<br />My thought is please consider where you're going, behaviorally what you need to SEE in order to achieve what ever your GOAL is here. That's personal to you. Mine was to have a formal but distant relationship with my MNmother. It didn't work. But if I didn't have a clear-cut GOAL with corresponding BEHAVIORS I'd never have made ANY decisions nor had some way of "measuring" whether or not my attempts were creating the reality/outcome I was seeking.<br />TWTundra Womanhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12262066568878267648noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3145812932021037131.post-28944671170444775592012-08-08T21:49:03.409+02:002012-08-08T21:49:03.409+02:00Cripes. You spend time with your mother, why?
Sor...Cripes. You spend time with your mother, why?<br /><br />Sorry. That sounds judgey of me. But holy cow, your mother is obnoxious.Judithhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16354890444410748967noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3145812932021037131.post-55678697655070570292012-08-08T08:41:05.666+02:002012-08-08T08:41:05.666+02:00I am cheering for you. Great way to stop triangul...I am cheering for you. Great way to stop triangulation. (Triangulation comes right after gas lighting for a favorite pastime activity for Ns.) Telling her no and backing it up by leaving is awesome. Gossiping about others, spouting opinion as fact and setting in place what you are to believe or not believe is a days work. If I hadn't lived with it myself, I wouldn't see it. <br /><br />Another perspective on grandmothers. I am delighted when my kids go on a date and let me watch the grandkids. I also work at being the kind of grandmother that my kids could trust watching their children. So sad that your mother is so focused on the negative. <br />Cheering you on,<br />RuthRuthhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07083142637240943607noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3145812932021037131.post-16320904851169748212012-08-08T05:12:34.791+02:002012-08-08T05:12:34.791+02:00Sounds like you're making some progress.
I st...Sounds like you're making some progress.<br /><br />I started walking out when NF got out of line and extended my absence/silence each time. A bit like giving a criminal a stiffer sentence each time they re-offend.<br /><br />A "normie" might see the remarks about the grandmother as idle gossip but ACoNs know better!mulderfanhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07500535934417551223noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3145812932021037131.post-77250722132112477592012-08-08T04:35:31.475+02:002012-08-08T04:35:31.475+02:00In my experience, when an N speaks, there is usual...In my experience, when an N speaks, there is usually an underlying message and motive that is never spelled out directly.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3145812932021037131.post-84468619236503482912012-08-07T16:20:59.074+02:002012-08-07T16:20:59.074+02:00So all that about the woman running the grocery st...So all that about the woman running the grocery store is really a jab at you and kids you haven't even given birth to yet?<br />If my mother wasn't who she is I would say you're really stretching it. But that's exactly what they do. <br />And she gives you a rash because you are too good to join in on the ripping another family member a new one. <br />I know you are butting your head against the wall, but it's so like them that I am chuckling just a little bit over here.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com