Good to remember?

I have realized that it is really difficult for me to do anything ONLY for myself, when there is no 'useful' side-effect, or someone else's added joy, but only my own joy or happiness. It feels like going against everything I think is sane or healthy. It's like sticking your hand in fire, while all your body and mind is screaming inside at you, not to do it.

DB has been great at taking care of me while I was ill. The turning point came when I had to prepare medication and other things to help - for myself, on my own. I have somehow managed to do it, because I convinced myself that it is useful if I get better, because then I can continue my work, my projects, and moreover, help others better.

My therapist got me thinking about what would happen if I was to do something for me - that has no health benefits, or helping-others-benefits, that resulted in nothing else but me feeling happy for a moment or two.

To be honest, it feels repulsive. Or disgusting. I have the need, or the desire to feel good, to do things for myself, but I don't know how to forgive myself for that (if this makes any sense).

My therapist also asked me if I liked simple, easily available joys, like watching trees, or having a bubble bath. Now, the latter triggered the hell out of me. It brought back a memory when I tried to make a bubble bath for myself while I was still living with my FOO and was a teen. I put candles around the tub, made some tea and everything was really relaxing and cool. Until NM realized what I was doing. She told me it was like I was lying on my catafalque, and that it was not 'advisable' for me to do it ever again because I could have burned something anyway (note, it was a bathroom. The candles were next to the tub, the only thing they could burn was the water in the tub, or the tiles).

After this event (and also before it, anyway) my bath times were controlled and supervised, even when I was in my twenties. There was no lock on the door, and I had to call for her when I had a bath, to wash my back. If I didn't, she came anyway, but I could not predict when. Or whether she came at all. I had no chance to relax, or even to enjoy the water. I hated being touched. I had to listen to endless speeches about how ugly I looked, with detailed descriptions.

I feel disgusted of myself when I'm writing this.

My therapist referred to this invasion of my private space and my body as what any person would call it. I can't get myself to write down that word now. But that was when I felt the air freeze around me and I started sobbing, while pictures started to try to invade my conscious mind. Detached memory fragments that I can't really make anything out of, and I have tried my hardest not to let them surface. I feel panic and disgust.

Until now, I was confident that it was good for me to put together the bits and pieces. Now, I'm not so sure anymore. The last thing I want now is to remember anything in connection with those memory fragment flashes, I've experienced.

Two books - one book

I had a book once, from a scholar I really respect. It was a quite rare book, only one edition, with a unique dark blue cover.

I have lost that book (another story), and was very sad.

EF remembered the book, and how I missed it (it was partly his responsibility that I could not get that book back). So I received it as a present for Christmas, it was the same dark blue edition, but he had the author sign it for me. I was very happy. I showed it to DB, and also the author's signature.

We visited my FOO to have breakfast together and celebrate Easter. I was surprised to find a friend of my family there, it was unusual to see someone 'not family' visiting them during the holidays. But I was sort of happy because I was pretty sure that NM would try to act nice as long as anyone else sees her. DB and me got a book as a present for Easter. My book was a book from the scholar I respect. With a unique dark blue cover, signed by the author, for me.

Due to my conditioning, my first reaction was not to show any reaction and to hide that they did something weird or nasty (especially if what they did harmed me in any way). Especially because someone else was also there, their friend. So when they repeatedly asked whether I was happy, I said I was and I tried to act surprised. Even when at home, DB mentioned that he remembers me having something of that 'book series' already, and asked me to search for the other book, I told him that I did not want to look for it right now rather than admitting that something was going on.

I could only manage to tell him after a day has passed, that something was really weird and that I thought I got the same book as a present - twice in a row. (I still consider this as a progress, that I have managed to tell this to him, and not to cover for my FOO).

I asked DB whether I was completely crazy or he also remembered me getting the exact same book earlier as a present. He remembered.

I have checked whether I somehow got two identical books. Nope. No other dark blue book on the shelves.

I don't remember lending them the book I got earlier (that does not really mean anything, I tend to forget things easily, but I don't think I would have given this to them. I value it too much. However, I still have to consider the possibility that I could have 'forgot', the way I sometimes dissociate and 'black out' when NM is mentally torturing me).

1. I wonder whether one of them used the keys they have to my apartment and took the book.
2. Or I completely forgot lending them the book, and then they were either that senile to give the same book as a present to me in 4 months' time,
3. Or they really don't give a damn that much, which is basically the same for me
4. Or they are gaslighting the cr*p out of me (back to option #1)

WTF

Nevertheless, I have called the locksmiths, and I'm getting a new lock on my door.

My first run

I have decided to nurture myself and start running. I could not achieve much, and it was more walking than running, but I've still done 1.5 miles as a start. I even liked it. Until NM called me. I did not pick it up, because I did not want her to interrupt my first run ever (but she did already, anyway). She then sent a text message stating, that she already called twice.

I got home, was proud of myself that I could finally get out of my chair and do something for myself, took a good shower, and ordered my favorite 'lowcarb' food to have something for lunch tomorrow, as a little present for myself.

Then the phone rang again. And I have decided to pick it up.

I don't want to go into details, but most of the time NM cursed me for being a very bad person. She was heavily gaslighting, turning around everything I said (and I did not even say more than like 5 sentences). She told me I was crazy and evil, several times. The most triggering part was that this was mostly the reenactment of our phone conversation that I wrote about in The day when EF almost died, only ENGF being the 'protagonist' in hospital. Without the part when she told me I was killing EF. Although she did mentioned, that I would not know if they, NM and EF were dieing, because I was not picking up the phone, so I was basically killing both of them. I have managed to get the name of the hospital from her and 'this might be your last chance to see him alive' as a comment, but nothing else.

I told her that I did not need to be cursed, told how bad a person I was, and other stuff. NM commanded me to bring DB with me so that she could sit us both down and tell us how evil I was and how I cannot continue behaving this way. (I knew she wanted to do something to him, I knew it! My senses were right again!)

She completely negated that I, in fact, visited her, in person, last week. Then when I mentioned it, she did not accept it as a fact, or reality either. Gaslighting as its heaviest.

After I realized, that I was not going to learn anything new about ENGF, I hung up. I suppose her next move would have been sending EF at me as a flying monkey, since she was repeating my words to him, saying something like 'talk to her', but I did not wait for that.

After I hung up, I turned off all lights, and spent the following two hours crawled up into a ball, in the pitch-dark closet, crying. And I dreaded the moment when my food would have showed up at my doorstep and me having to open my door, giving a chance for NM to get to me, if she happened to peek out her front door. I finally got the food, without any interference.

I have talked to DB on the phone, he said I was not the crazy one and that he was sorry. At least he did not think I was crazy.

I have managed to refrain from starting to drink alcohol or smoking a cigarette, or eating what I have ordered instantly.

But I will leave my apartment between 6 and 7AM tomorrow. I feel a very strong urge to run away as far as possible, and going to work early seems the least self-harming option from it all.

I know, that this episode was a very heavy emotional flashback. I'm starting to feel less urge to self-harm, and less fear. I want to get better. I want to heal.

I am still capable of being proud of myself for going out to run today. And I will do it again, no matter how triggering it might be tomorrow.

Pink cupcakes

I have adored the pink cupcakes my FOO makes, since I was very little. ENGF's female relatives were especially awesome at making them, and NM has learned from them how to produce the exact same taste.

If there could be only one type of sweet food in the world, I would vote for my FOO's pink cupcakes.

Last week, I have planned to 'sleep in' a bit, since I was way too exhausted from working until midnight almost every day. Then the doorbell rang at 7AM. When I have realized what has happened, climbed out of my dream, crouched out of my bed and hobbled to the door, the person who has ringed my bell was already gone. So was my dream. I have heard a faint 'clank' which was fairly similar to the sound of NM's front door, so I thought that it was them. I was furious, but managed to sleep a bit more.

A few days after that, NM called. She informed me, that she had 'cupcakes with her', and that she tried to contact me 'several times', so that she could give some to me. Now I was sure that it was her, who woke me up. I did not tell her that I have heard the doorbell, nor that I knew she did not contact me 'several times', but only once. I had no unanswered calls on my phone. She was simply lying. Her next sentence was a question: 'Do I have to put them in a bag and put them in front of your door so that you would get them'?

It was not a question. It was an annoyed imperative. She. Wanted. To. Give. Me. Cupcakes. Period. And she was irritated, that she did not succeed. How fucked up is that? Forcing your 'gift' on someone, no matter if they are sleeping, working, taking  a 'nap' with their DB or anything else.

I told her, that if I have time, I will contact her about the cupcakes. She said hi then, so I hung up. (and I have heard that she still continued talking after she said goodbye, which is also her usual tactic of checking whether I could be held up for another four hours). I did not fall for that.

My problems with this (besides the obvious) are the following:

• She said 'cupcakes'. Not 'the pink cupcakes you adore', but 'cupcakes'. I think it was a way to make me think that it was the special pink ones, and then presenting me some shitty ordinary cupcakes (that I hate anyway) from the bakery. And then not being responsible for luring me into meeting her, with a lie. And putting all the responsibility on me, to decrypt her vague message, and then bear all the consequences.
• She knows that one of the things I consider serious is the Great Lent, before Easter. Not because of religious reasons (although it is also there in the background), but mainly because I consider it good for my health both physically and mentally, and because for some reason, this is the time of the year when fasting is the easiest. Since I am not really fond of meat anyway, I usually follow a low-carb, more veggies, more organic food, no sugar diet. She knows it, and she resents me for it. She spits out the word 'diet' like it was equal to kidnapping children. She does everything in her power to make me fail. She wants to be the thinner one, but she never works out, or eats healthy. Cupcakes are nothing but sugar and carbs. I love them, but not now, thanks. This is a clear boundary violation.
• She also knows, that I have explicitly told both her and EF not to ever ring my doorbell. Several times. This is a clear boundary violation.
• I hate getting presents from her. They always come with a price. And what I hate more is unwanted food. First, for the abovementioned reason. Second, because there is always a plate accompanying said food, that I have to wash and then return which forecasts one more compulsory contact with her. I do not want to do that. Third, it is a covert communication of 'you cannot even make food for yourself, you depend on me or you die, you are not a real woman because you cannot bake such things for DB but I can bake for him to show who the real woman is here, you are unlovable, you are worthless'. I know this, because I've heard these sentences enough, accompanying food gifts. And I'm not accepting it.
• I don't want anything that is forced on me. Even if it is the most delicious food on Earth, I do not want it. (and yes, it is difficult to resist even the thought)
• She knows, that I was working on all weekend (when I should have visited them for the 'cupcakes'). She also knew that DB was away all weekend, also working. Meaning that I was alone and there was no one around to protect or comfort me, if anything went wrong. A huge red flag again.

She called me again, yesterday evening. I did not pick it up. I then fought through a half-hour anxiety attack of what torture might come as a punishment for me not picking up the phone, but then it went away. I guess it would have been about the cupcakes again.

So, no for cupcakes. Even if they were the pink ones.

Covert interrogation

I have visited FOO for a short time. I could control the situation quite well, until I was getting ready to leave. I remember standing at the front door, suddenly 'waking up' to openly talking about very private details of my relationship with DB and our current situation. I have no clue how I got there, especially because I was focusing on not to talk about anything personal with NM.

What I remember that she tried to corner me alone a few times while I was there, suddenly asking about how our relationship was going, and I clearly remember ignoring these questions altogether.

How did I get in the position of unvoluntarily spilling the beans? It always happens when I 'black out' (I suppose I am dissociating then).

I know that when I was living with NM, she was never satisfied with her very long and very painful interrogation and torture processes with me, until she knew literally everything about me and my day she was interested in, including all my feelings, thoughts, minor details such as the pencil color I was using, what I ate for lunch, and everything about bowel movements, etc.

I know that I should somehow detect this dissociative phase before it happens, because after I'm in it, I don't even notice until the discussion takes some abhorrent turn that snaps me out of it.

I know that this mechanism was formed by me, at that time when it was a working method for protecting my life and my sanity, but now I do not need it anymore. I just don't know how to get rid of it.

I feel disgusted and embarrassed. I feel angry at myself for being too weak and falling in the same trap again. I feel angry at NM for doing this to me.

Note to self: her tactic is always to isolate me first and then attack. She very rarely does this when there is anyone around.

I have again realized, that I am not alert enough yet to stay alone with her in the same room. I am getting better, but in the end, I still lose the battle sometimes, always when I am alone with her. I don't want that. I don't want to stay alone with her. I wish I could ask DB to never ever leave my side, not even for a second, when NM is around. I'm unsure whether I should 'do this alone' and train myself to endure, or whether it is a reasonable thing to ask.

Another thing I have noticed though, is how badly she wants to see DB. I don't know the motives but I do feel a red flag waving each time she mentions that we should really really visit her together.

Not making everybody's problems go away

Another situation came up, where I had the great chance of make someone's problems go away.

It was an emergency situation, involving hospitals, authorities, and one of my best friends. Friend had psychological issues for a while now (though before last year was one of the strongest and most normal people I have known), and I was helping her whenever I could. In this emergency, my first thought was to jump right in and become the knight in shining armor.

Helping as such would have required devoting my life (including maybe sacrificing my work, my relationship, and everything else for nearly a week) to said friend and taking legal responsibility for friend's descendants.

I have casually mentioned the issue to DB, and his first reaction was one question.

"You do realize, that this is now the dividing line between helping your friend and taking your friend's problems onto you?"

This was all I needed.

Yes, I needed this nudge (and thank God for DB, and his clear mind), but at least, I suddenly saw the situation as it was. It was a problem (although a huge one) of someone else. It was my friend's responsibility to take, and my friend's problem to solve. Not mine. I could show empathy, I could offer supporting words, but I did not have any obligation to give my life up.

I knew that me saying no could have brought more difficulties to my friend. I also felt sorry for the present situation. But I do not feel sorry for saying no.

This help would not have been real help. It would have prevented my friend from experiencing that it was possible to get out of this situation without my help. Without any outside help. To experience inner strength. To learn from mistakes.

I helped my friend by saying no. I helped myself by saying no.

One step forward for me again.

Making everybody's problems go away

I think this could have been the motto or the perfect description of the reason of my existence for as long as I can remember.

I still have the disease of "perfection" as one of my favorite bloggers calls it. I constantly feel the urge of "fixing" everyone's problems, lives, whatevers. Even when I have absolutely nothing to do with them.

It's so difficult to distinguish between "my problems" and "their problems" since I was never taught the difference. "Their problems" were always "my problems" in a very internal way. If anyone near me was sad, angry, frustrated, or felt any negative feelings besides utter bliss, it was instantly interpreted as my fault. Either because I caused it by not wearing what NM wanted me to, by not pretending to be happy enough to participate in an event I did not want to, or by not showing gratitude after months for a present that clearly showed how NM did not know me. Or, because there was another cause for the person's unhappiness, but nevertheless, I have become magically appointed as the only one who could fix it.

This way, I was suddenly responsible for being for NM a devoted, loving and accepting father and a mother whom she never had, a devoted, loving, passionate and supportive husband who was always on business trips, a cheerful, fun, loving and supportive friend, whom she never had, and all other people that she needed at the moment. And at the same time, providing this be-whom-I-want-you-to-be service to everyone else who happened to be around. Switching between alternate selves, if that was required.

I still don't know how to say no to other people's desires, even if we are not even really connected. When I somehow still have the strength to do so (and it takes a LOT of strength to deny someone something, at least for me), I feel desperate. I feel that I have failed the other person. That I, myself, willingly have caused pain. That I am now responsible for making it right.

The original recipe was getting an unrealistic request, saying yes and hoping that the other person will not realize that I was not doing the thing they asked. This, of course, never really worked, but it at least bought me some time.
If it was inevitable, the other method was saying no, then instantly regretting it, saying yes, then yes again a thousand times, and going out of my way to make amends for saying no in the first place. This is who I do not want to be anymore.

I am now in a situation, where I had to say no to a person, to whom I am not really close to, but whom I still like a lot, about a project we both really care about. I know it is reasonable and logical to say no, and that it would have caused me a lot of extra work, difficulties with no real benefits to say yes. I still feel very sad, and helpless. My instincts still tell me to say yes. I have almost failed to resist, but I'm still sticking to my decision.

I want to be able to differentiate between my problems and other people's problems. Dealing with mine, and letting them deal with theirs.

I hate being conditioned as a very eager and willing doormat. I want to be me, whoever that is. I want to get to know the real me.

I hope this will get easier in time. Now, it is really difficult.

I have not talked to NM for a week now. I'm getting more and more balanced again.