Experiencing and reflecting on the world

During one of my latest therapy sessions, my therapist was describing how we sense the world around us with our five senses: sight, hearing, smell, taste and touch. That every one of them has a multitude of sub-senses that we experience and can reflect on. For example if I dip my hand into water: is it cold or warm? Is it still or flowing between my fingers? How does it feel? Do I like that feeling? If I see a work of art: is it black & white or colorful? Is it large or small? Is its surface shiny or not? How does it make me feel? Do I like that feeling? If I hear a sound: is it high-pitched or low? Is it a noise, a musical sound or a voice? If a voice, is it male or female? Is it hoarse or smooth? How does it make me feel? Do I like that feeling?

This was the point where I was already sobbing. I have realized that I never had the chance of experiencing the world on my own and forming my opinions and reflections on it. I was so extremely angry and disappointed and sad, that I was denied the wonderful opportunity of getting to know my relationship with the world when I was so little. It never occurred to me that I could explore things and form my opinion about them. I never thought that I felt anything when dipping my hand into water or touching a stone. I never knew I could decide whether I liked that feeling or not.

Anger is good. It shows me when something is not right for me. I have to take credit for being able to feel anger when I should feel anger.

When I met something that was new to me, NM already had an opinion about it and she made sure that I never even knew that I could have mine. She was always excited to show things to me, to teach me things (so I appeared smart and she could project her self onto me and appear smart as well) . So I had tons of experience, but never really my own. She loved to hike, so we went hiking, touched trees and flowers, sat on high ledges and looked down into the depths, collected stones and leaves. This sounds adventurous and wonderful right? It was. I loved hiking, because she said I loved hiking. I always climbed rock walls and never understood why it was weird. I was always told that I loved that. Turns out, I have fear of heights. When I much later told her, I was mocked: 'but you loved to climb rock walls'!

NM was always ready to let me know how I felt about anything. When I touched something it was always commented on 'it feels so awfully cold right'? 'It feels so rough doesn't it'? 'It feels so good to touch that right'? When I accompanied her to wherever she wanted to go (we always were going somewhere), it was always 'so fun' or 'so exciting' or 'oh, c'mon Scatha, you LOVE this or that, sure you want to come, it will be awesome you see'! So I was told that I loved to get up early and do stuff all day. Turns out that yes, I like going out sometimes, but most of the time I feel better to just read a good book at home for example. And I am definitely a night owl.

It is tearing me apart because I simply don't know now whether we really had cool times together when I was a kid, or whether I was just made to believe that we did. I remember constantly being told that I had the best mom in the world at that most children only got expensive toys but parents never played with them or went to places with them, and that my parents were so much better. And I was envied by other children because NM did everything with me. But they had friends. They had time. They knew about things out there in the world like cartoons and toys and swearwords and cool clothes. I knew nothing about these, since I had no life outside NM. I was kept under a bell jar, and she hovered over me.

I have never approached the world keeping in mind that I could decide how I feel about it. I have absolutely no idea how to do that at all. Sometimes I just knew that I didn't agree with NM (about clothes, or food, or movies, but that was already in my teens). With fundamental stuff like surfaces, weather conditions, or the like, I have no clue. I know what I was told about how I feel about things. But how do you know whether you really like it or not?

Aaaargh. I'm SO frustrated!

So I guess while trying to be a teenager the first time, I should also start being a 1-year-old, chewing on stuff and touching stuff and smelling stuff and listening to stuff and gazing at stuff? Gosh, people at my age have weddings and kids and puppies.

Pink cupcakes

I have adored the pink cupcakes my FOO makes, since I was very little. ENGF's female relatives were especially awesome at making them, and NM has learned from them how to produce the exact same taste.

If there could be only one type of sweet food in the world, I would vote for my FOO's pink cupcakes.

Last week, I have planned to 'sleep in' a bit, since I was way too exhausted from working until midnight almost every day. Then the doorbell rang at 7AM. When I have realized what has happened, climbed out of my dream, crouched out of my bed and hobbled to the door, the person who has ringed my bell was already gone. So was my dream. I have heard a faint 'clank' which was fairly similar to the sound of NM's front door, so I thought that it was them. I was furious, but managed to sleep a bit more.

A few days after that, NM called. She informed me, that she had 'cupcakes with her', and that she tried to contact me 'several times', so that she could give some to me. Now I was sure that it was her, who woke me up. I did not tell her that I have heard the doorbell, nor that I knew she did not contact me 'several times', but only once. I had no unanswered calls on my phone. She was simply lying. Her next sentence was a question: 'Do I have to put them in a bag and put them in front of your door so that you would get them'?

It was not a question. It was an annoyed imperative. She. Wanted. To. Give. Me. Cupcakes. Period. And she was irritated, that she did not succeed. How fucked up is that? Forcing your 'gift' on someone, no matter if they are sleeping, working, taking  a 'nap' with their DB or anything else.

I told her, that if I have time, I will contact her about the cupcakes. She said hi then, so I hung up. (and I have heard that she still continued talking after she said goodbye, which is also her usual tactic of checking whether I could be held up for another four hours). I did not fall for that.

My problems with this (besides the obvious) are the following:

• She said 'cupcakes'. Not 'the pink cupcakes you adore', but 'cupcakes'. I think it was a way to make me think that it was the special pink ones, and then presenting me some shitty ordinary cupcakes (that I hate anyway) from the bakery. And then not being responsible for luring me into meeting her, with a lie. And putting all the responsibility on me, to decrypt her vague message, and then bear all the consequences.
• She knows that one of the things I consider serious is the Great Lent, before Easter. Not because of religious reasons (although it is also there in the background), but mainly because I consider it good for my health both physically and mentally, and because for some reason, this is the time of the year when fasting is the easiest. Since I am not really fond of meat anyway, I usually follow a low-carb, more veggies, more organic food, no sugar diet. She knows it, and she resents me for it. She spits out the word 'diet' like it was equal to kidnapping children. She does everything in her power to make me fail. She wants to be the thinner one, but she never works out, or eats healthy. Cupcakes are nothing but sugar and carbs. I love them, but not now, thanks. This is a clear boundary violation.
• She also knows, that I have explicitly told both her and EF not to ever ring my doorbell. Several times. This is a clear boundary violation.
• I hate getting presents from her. They always come with a price. And what I hate more is unwanted food. First, for the abovementioned reason. Second, because there is always a plate accompanying said food, that I have to wash and then return which forecasts one more compulsory contact with her. I do not want to do that. Third, it is a covert communication of 'you cannot even make food for yourself, you depend on me or you die, you are not a real woman because you cannot bake such things for DB but I can bake for him to show who the real woman is here, you are unlovable, you are worthless'. I know this, because I've heard these sentences enough, accompanying food gifts. And I'm not accepting it.
• I don't want anything that is forced on me. Even if it is the most delicious food on Earth, I do not want it. (and yes, it is difficult to resist even the thought)
• She knows, that I was working on all weekend (when I should have visited them for the 'cupcakes'). She also knew that DB was away all weekend, also working. Meaning that I was alone and there was no one around to protect or comfort me, if anything went wrong. A huge red flag again.

She called me again, yesterday evening. I did not pick it up. I then fought through a half-hour anxiety attack of what torture might come as a punishment for me not picking up the phone, but then it went away. I guess it would have been about the cupcakes again.

So, no for cupcakes. Even if they were the pink ones.

Covert interrogation

I have visited FOO for a short time. I could control the situation quite well, until I was getting ready to leave. I remember standing at the front door, suddenly 'waking up' to openly talking about very private details of my relationship with DB and our current situation. I have no clue how I got there, especially because I was focusing on not to talk about anything personal with NM.

What I remember that she tried to corner me alone a few times while I was there, suddenly asking about how our relationship was going, and I clearly remember ignoring these questions altogether.

How did I get in the position of unvoluntarily spilling the beans? It always happens when I 'black out' (I suppose I am dissociating then).

I know that when I was living with NM, she was never satisfied with her very long and very painful interrogation and torture processes with me, until she knew literally everything about me and my day she was interested in, including all my feelings, thoughts, minor details such as the pencil color I was using, what I ate for lunch, and everything about bowel movements, etc.

I know that I should somehow detect this dissociative phase before it happens, because after I'm in it, I don't even notice until the discussion takes some abhorrent turn that snaps me out of it.

I know that this mechanism was formed by me, at that time when it was a working method for protecting my life and my sanity, but now I do not need it anymore. I just don't know how to get rid of it.

I feel disgusted and embarrassed. I feel angry at myself for being too weak and falling in the same trap again. I feel angry at NM for doing this to me.

Note to self: her tactic is always to isolate me first and then attack. She very rarely does this when there is anyone around.

I have again realized, that I am not alert enough yet to stay alone with her in the same room. I am getting better, but in the end, I still lose the battle sometimes, always when I am alone with her. I don't want that. I don't want to stay alone with her. I wish I could ask DB to never ever leave my side, not even for a second, when NM is around. I'm unsure whether I should 'do this alone' and train myself to endure, or whether it is a reasonable thing to ask.

Another thing I have noticed though, is how badly she wants to see DB. I don't know the motives but I do feel a red flag waving each time she mentions that we should really really visit her together.

Being the perfect child

I'm starting to realize that my feelings and my own self have both been forbidden from a very very young age, and this can be the reason behind all the family stories about how "perfectly behaved" and "special" I was. The stories about me were:

I was a baby that never cried. The explanation was that my mother was so perfect, that she paid attention to every sound I made, no matter how faint it was, and she attended to my every need, so I did not have to cry at all. Sometimes she mentioned that she never could bear when babies cried, and that she decided that if she would ever have a child, that child would never cry at all.

I was a toddler that no one noticed. Friends and relatives came to visit my parents and they always thought I was at my grandparents' house. Until NM proudly led them to me. I was usually sitting in a corner, silently minding my own business. I never ran around, I never destroyed any toy, I never unpacked my whole toy box and left them scattered around, I never touched anything that was not mine, I have never opened wardrobes or drawers, I never touched porcelain vases or valuable sculptures or any decoration, I never screamed, I have never been a "terrible two".

I was a kindergarten-aged child who hated everyone in her age. They were all like children. When they visited us, they unpacked and destroyed my toys, then left them scattered. They ran. They screamed. They opened all the wardrobes, pulled out the drawers, started playing with a toy and moved on to the next in two minutes. Before they came, NM made sure that I knew this would happen. When they left, NM always came into my room and told me: See, Scatha, how awful all they are? They are bad, bad kids, they are not good, they cannot behave. See, Scatha, how they destroyed your toys that you always take good care of? See, now all things that they have scattered around, now Scatha and NM has to pack away, to spend such a long time having to clean up the mess they made, to fix what they broke, and all is left to us, because they didn't even make the effort to pack away things, see? If we visited them, NM always told me after we left, how everyone thought that all rules applied to us. That I wasn't allowed to play as I wished when I was visiting someone, because I was the guest, and how they allowed themselves to do anything they pleased at our place, because they were the guests. And how unfair all of this was. I loathed children. I dreaded the time when they visited us. I looked forward the time when they left. In the meantime, sometimes I enjoyed playing with them, because they were company, and they seemed to like me. But the overall feeling was hatred, disgust, despair, sadness.

I preferred the company of adults and they did not want to be friends with me. The visiting parents wanted to talk to my parents, and "let children play". I did not want to play, I wanted to talk to the grownups about science, books, or anything like that. They did not understand my behavior and I was usually pushed away with "you are only a child, you don't know anything about [topic], don't talk into adults' business". I was trying to express my views on politics, or economy, talk about interesting biological facts or how the different cloud types influence the weather. I was still under 7. I felt isolated, I did not belong to the children, and I did not belong to the adults either.

The only love I got was when NM paraded around with my accomplishments. How I could read at the age of one and the half. Show Scatha, read this complex medicine description to NM's Friend. See, NM's Friend, how clever is Scatha? Now, Scatha, tell the doctor lady how many bones (I knew almost all of them) you can name in the human body. Show her the lifelike drawing of the human organs you made. Now, Scatha, tell the poems you wrote to Grampy, I am sure he would love to hear them.

• NM: Scatha, would you like to sing the song you wrote to Auntie, show him how talented you are. 
• Scatha: No, Mommy, I'd rather not, (thinking: I hate performing, I am not that confident, I just want to disappear)
• NM: Sure Scatha, you would like to sing to him
• Scatha: no please Mommy, I'd rather not sing now
• NM: But Auntie woud surely LOVE to hear you sing, don't you, Auntie?
• Auntie (everyone fell for this trick): Yes, NM, I would love Scatha sing, she must be cute
• NM: Hear, Scatha, he would love to hear you sing, you don't want to make Auntie and Mommy sad, do you?
• Scatha: pleaaaaase Mommyyyyyy pleaaaaase nooooo I dont waaaant tooo
• NM: You are rude, surly, impolite and inconsiderate. How can you do that to Auntie and Mommy. How can you want to deliberatly make Auntie sad. How cruel you must be to do this to her. You WILL sing.
• Scatha: :sings and hopes that she can disappear afterwards:
• NM: See, how impolite and bad you were, you did not want to sing for Auntie to show how good you are, now she is happy that you did sing for her, you ARE happy Auntie, aren't you?!
• Auntie: Yes, yes, it was wonderful, how talented your child is, amazing.

 And then, she harvested all the praise. Sometimes I was praised too, for what I could do, for my grades, for the things I knew, for being way more adult than my age. But I was never praised for my ability to love, my values, or for being myself.

The first one to believe me

I grew up with literally no one in my family believing what I said about NM. I was always told by other family members that it mustn't be true, what I say about her, that she was the most amazing mother in the world, that she is almost a saint, that she is always nice, and she loves me more than a human being can possibly love.

That I have a vivid imagination. That I am a child that loves exaggerating, and telling stories that are more "colorful" than how they have actually happened. That I am a teenager who obviously tries to "rebel" (I have never rebelled, I didn't even know what it was). That I don't understand motherly love. That I will learn what it is like to be a mother when I become one. That my poor mother only wants the best for me, I'll see. That I am a liar. I soon became the Pinocchio of the family. And I had to realize, that there never was and never will be anyone, who will believe anything I say about my life in my FOO, or NM.

And now, a miracle happened on my birthday.

I have talked to DGM and her husband, they said HBD and quickly changed the subject. They were very agitated. It turned out that they talked to NM the day before my birthday. I don't know what she told them but it really scared the sh*t out of them. They basically told me to escape as far as I can from her. They said something about how she must have something wrong in the head, and muttered about it not being right for a mother to expect her child to sacrifice herself for her mother. That if I have no other choice, they will give me shelter until I can find someplace else.

That they knew.

That they believed me.

That they were in my corner.

I never, ever have felt so light and so powerful in my life.

Someone, in my family, believes me.

Teenage diaries

I had a beautiful diary book with green paper, when I was at elementary school. I didn't know how to write one, but everyone in class had one, so I started writing too. It only consisted of what I had for homework and basically how I performed in class. I guess I was already preset to think that it was the only part of me worth noting.

I put it in the trash half year ago when I found it. It sounded so artificial and empty.

My third diary was rather a compilation of e-mails between me and my then boyfriend whom NM disapproved of. She found it, read it, screamed at me for a complete day and forced me to dump him. I didn't do so, but kept our relationship secret for four years. And then came out to them four years later, that we were still together. It resulted in hell breaking lose and consequences that I will write about later.

My second diary, I have found two weeks ago, in the week-end house. In the topmost drawer of NM's wardrobe. I know I didn't put it there. So I know that by now, she knows its content by heart. And she will do everything she can to use it against me.

I have read a few pages of it. I was between 16-18 years old, smart enough not to write anything about my parents. But all the other things that were in it... I didn't even remember how desperately sad and lonely I was all the time. It was unbearable even to only read through the pages. I didn't know how to connect with anyone, I didn't know how befriend anyone, the ones I thought were my friends constantly hurt me. The ones who didn't, hated visiting me (because of NM). If I wanted to see them, I was grounded. If I wanted to do anything that didn't involve NM, I was locked up. My only friend was DP. NM labeled it as sick and disgusting. I was so unhappy and vulnerable, you could almost feel the pain just by touching the written words. I am actually surprised why I didn't manage to kill myself in the end.

I have burnt it page by page.

I will never go through that again.

The day when EF almost died

I was at the beginning of my twenties. I lived with my FOO, and had a boyfriend for four years. (I have mentioned him before in one of the posts). NM found out about him at the beginning of our relationship, and my life turned into hell, until I promised to leave him. I secretly dated him for four years. And I finally decided to take control of my life. I sat down with NM and EF and told them that we were still together and intended to stay that way. (A half year later we broke up, but that is totally unrelated. We are still good friends though, both happy in our present relationships.)

In a week, EF was taken into hospital with an unknown but very severe illness and almost died within a day from dehydration. He stayed there for a month (or three? I don't remember). And I remained alone, at home, with NM. He was the only thing between me and EF and now he was gone. He almost never protected me but at least he never hurt me and I loved him. And I still believe that he does love me. I was horrified and scared to death, because I knew the worst hell was coming. And no, I didn't know that the 'worst hell' was way much worse than that.

I learned that EF was dying via phone. NM called me (I was at college which was unfortunately in our city, so I had to live with her). She briefly told me that EF was in the hospital and that he was dying and that it was because of me. And then she hung up. I called her back, and when I managed to talk to her, I asked her where he was. She refused to tell me. I had to beg her for days. She told me that she wouldn't tell me because the reason behind EF's mysterious illness was that I told them I was together with then-boyfriend.

I was devastated. NM kept on talking. She explained to me in detail, that EF admitted to her (before being taken to hospital) that it was my fault that he became ill. That the fact that I was together with then-boyfriend devastated him so much, that he almost died. Then she looked deeply into my eyes, and told me:

"He will die. You killed him. You killed your own father. It is all your fault. It is because you shocked him. You devastated him. You hurt him so much. He did not expect this abhorrent behavior from you. He could not take it to realize that his daughter was such an unimaginably horrible person. To know that you are with then-boyfriend."

I was crying so uncontrollably that I was rather screaming then crying, and was collapsed into a lump on the floor. She shook me up and forced me to stand up. When she ensured that I could not look away from her gaze, she continued.

"If he would survive your murder attempt, do not ever even think of trying to telling this to him. He is such a good man. He wouldn't ever admit that it is all your fault. So don't ask him. He will lie to you and tell you that it is not your fault, because he is so much better than the lowlife you are. He would want to spare you from knowing that he knows how horrible you are. That you wanted to kill him. Your own father."

The next thing I remember was hearing the following from NM:

"I wish Bro was alive. I wish he survived instead of you. At least, if both of you had to be alive, I could say that well, Scatha is irreparably broken and went wrong, she is the black sheep of the family, but at least we have Bro, who is nice and loveable. So I could toss Scatha away and turn towards Bro."

(Note: Bro was aborted before I was born.)

Then she forced me again to look her in the eye and said:

"I wish I wouldn't have to see you all the time, the way you are. I wish I wouldn't have to know day by day that you are like this. I wish you weren't alive. I wish you were dead. I want you to be dead so that I wouldn't have to go all through this."

After a few days, when I was completely broken, she told me where EF was. I could see him but only with NM present, watching my every move.

I don't remember too well, but I think almost half a year have passed until I managed to ask EF in private, whether he thought I was killing him. That I didn't know what to think because NM told me that he wouldn't tell me the truth anyway. He sent me away with a backhand wave telling me that I was stupid and it was not true. And that he didn't ever want to talk about it again.

He has recovered pretty quickly after he got home from the hospital and is now completely cured from that illness.

NM's words still echo in my head.

Being a teenager for the first time

The 'teenage' topic popped into my mind when I read Ruth's post Very late teens.

I've only heard about teenagers from NM (speaking about them with disgust and hate), the news, books, Internet, and I've seen some as they were my classmates. But I've never been one of them.

I guess I've skipped being a teenager. As soon as I've grown from a child to a teenager, I was transformed into an adult. I had to parent NM, tend to her every emotional need that she didn't get from her parents before, and fill the shoes of the husband she always wanted me to be. I was forced to be her parents, her brothers and sisters, and her spouse.

I wasn't allowed to have friends, to have my own personality, to make mistakes, to act as young people do, to be careless, to have feelings, to try anything.

I could only be at school, go to my music classes, or be at home, visibly studying (as NM helicoptered over me), and tend to her every unspoken emotional need. I had straight 'A'-s all the time, and it made her envious. I was everything to her, and I was still not enough. I didn't have any friends other than her, and everyone else was hated and pushed away from me. Even EF, my relationship with him made her jealous.

I had the wear the clothes and hairstyle she forced on me, I had to speak the way she allowed me to, I have never been to parties, I have never done anything 'insane' or 'silly', I didn't take risks, I didn't know any modern music bands other than Johann Sebastian Bach and the Beatles. I wasn't allowed to be in love, I was ridiculed instead. I wasn't allowed to learn how to clean the apartment, how to cook, how to mend my clothes, how to shave my legs and armpits, how to wear make-up or polish my nails, how to color my hair. When I found out that everyone in class mocked me because I looked like a yeti, and the boys were whispering how I must be a lesbian because I didn't have any 'girl' traits, I was devastated. I begged her to let me become a woman, and I met rage, hatred and more rage.

I see the little 'teen' relatives around DB, who wear awesome clothes, look like young beautiful women and men, who go to concerts with their friends and go on holiday with their significant others, and I secretly feel envy for the teenage years I never had.

I've started to go to concerts, wear insane clothes and shoes, do my own makeup, dye my hair, play in a 'rock band', etc. at my late twenties.

I'm going to visit my hairdresser next week, and will have awesome crazy colorful synthetic dreadlocks for the next few weeks, while I'm on holiday with DB. And I feel young, for the first time in my life :)

NM's most recent gaslighting session

I haven't seen NM since this incident (a month ago or so). Due to family reasons, I'll have to see her soon though. I'm not looking forward to it. I have called her today to talk about the details of our (me and DB) visit, which resulted in a stereotypical NM-backstabbing-me-with-every-word type of phone call. I would only quote one part.

"No, I'm not well at all. It is really difficult for me to put the bedsheets to their place..."
(My mind started racing at this point. What could be wrong with the bed? What the heck is this all about? Since I didn't produce the reaction instantly, that she wanted me to, she explained of course.)
"See, the shelves are too high for me, and I cannot reach them if I'm trying to stand on a chair..."
(And then it hit me. I've borrowed their stepstool ladder from them. And the chair NM mentioned was a folding chair, a real death trap to stand on, especially if you are trying to reach high from it.)

She didn't have to mention neither the ladder, nor death, but she knew I would get both messages. That it was a big mistake that I have dared to borrow anything of hers, and that I am responsible for causing her severe back pain and forcing her constantly risking death or severe injuries. Brilliant. Truly brilliant.

Another perfectly subtle out-of-the-big-book act. But what I wanted to describe in this post was the prequel of this, when we have last met in person. Well, here it comes:

I have visited my FOO. It seemed like a good idea at that time (the last sentence of all Darwin Award winners). I remember stepping inside the apartment, EF being visibly happy for seeing me. NM barely noticing me. Then mental blackout followed, and the next thing I remember was being completely convinced that I was mentally clinically insane and was unknowingly ruining my own and everyone else's life around me. I was there, exposed to NM for hours, feeling physically unable to move. It was pure horror. I'm mostly writing this down because I want to have it as a memento, to be able to prove myself that it really happened, and it was not only my 'vivid imagination', and also to ask about your opinion. So here's a list of what I've learned from her in 2,5 hours:

• I am insane. NM knew this from my childhood that I had serious mental problems.
• My former doomed relationships were a direct result of my mental illness.
• It was right, logical and I have to praise her that NM made my life a living hell, since she didn't have any other choice when I fell in love with someone she didn't think were appropriate for me.
• Obviously it is not different now, since I only choose people whom I'm unable to maintain a relationship with, such as DB.
• This is also my fault since I'm completely unable to care and to give.
• I only keep in touch with people whom I can benefit from, and who can tend to my selfish interests, because I'm egoistic and I only use others, and I discard everyone who doesn't exactly do what I want them to.
• I could have a working relationship now, but since I'm not the 'motherly' type who would be satisfied by serving others (like her, who is motherly), and since I'm not like that, no matter how kind and trustworthy DB is, I will be unable to maintain a working relationship with him, since I'm selfish down to the core, and what I need from others is to serve my every need.
• I will be completely alone in the end anyway.
• I neglect my FOO so much, that it will have very serious and irrevocable consequences in a few years.
• The worst will be that my own (yet unborn) children will hate me the most (and she will make sure they will do so), and that I'll get my devilish and hellish horror that I spread do everyone and NM back from my children, but a thousand times worse, in the most horrific way possible.
• I won't ever be able to become an appropriate mother.
• No one will ever want me as a woman, because no one needs someone who treats her FOO the way I do.
• DB thinks this way too, that he would not ever seriously want me because of this. But there is no reason to ask him, he wouldn't ever admit that he thinks about me this way. But still, family goes first for him, and this speaks volumes.
• If I was sane, I would have breakfast with FOO every morning, I would go home to their place and have lovely jovial chats about what happened at work, or on the public transport, or anywhere. If I don't do it, I'm insane.
• This is also true for grandchildren, they would have to do the same.
• It is very welcome that I'm not dealing with my hobby right now (the word hobby spat out as if I was sacrificing newborn goats for satanism and not playing a musical instrument) because of the summer break, so I must focus now on more worthy projects such as writing my fourth thesis to finally get my fourth master's degree.
• Since I will forever be mentally ill, and I cannot do anything against it ever, it is inevitable that my relationship, and all my friendships and other social connections will be ruined my be. To be honest, I've already irrevocably ruined all of them, just wasn't able to notice the fact.
• I want happiness so convulsively, that I destroy everyone around myself.
• I'm incapable of loving, or any other emotion since I'm a psychopath.
• My relationship is already doomed, since I myself have destroyed it. Obviously, I'm incapable of anything else.
• My previous relationship with EXNB only ended because of me. NM didn't have any problems with him, but I blew it, since I was already incapable of caring or loving him.
• I'm already this old, it's time to get myself together, of course, she remembers that I'm incapable of it, since I'm not normal, but I still would have to produce grandchildren for her, and she will spend all her time with them when they are young and cute and lovely. After that they will grow up anyway into evil abominable monsters who have friends, own interests and other stuff and ditch their families.
• Since we haven't spoken for two days, NM and EF have become deadly ill, that I obviously don't care about, but both of them will die in four years anyway.
• My grandmother, grandfather, and another elder relative will die also in a few months, and after that I will only be able to talk to them if I'm finally dead.
• It does not matter that ENGF does not talk to me and spits hate and rage at me every time I call him, I am obliged to talk to him, and genuinely love him, since he is family.
• The ideal family is my cousin's family, where everyone is perfectly happy. He spends all his time at his parents' house to borrow this or that, he does sports and hobbies with his parents, and performs chores at his parents' garden, and always brings his children along. And they rarely see his wife, but she is ugly and fat anyway, the most important is that he and his parents are constantly enmeshed. Oh and they work in the same office also.
• It is outrageous that NM and EF cannot come and go into my apartment as they please without prior announcement or even me being at home. This means that I don't love them at all and that I consider my FOO as hated and despised strangers.
• It is also outrageous that I ring the doorbell when I visit them. I should just walk in on them. And it is also disgusting that I text them when I arrive at home at midnight, since families work that way, that I would have to visit them at 3AM at dawn if that is when I have time for a chat, and should wake them up even if they are asleep.
• It is insulting, humiliating, callous and evil from me, that I consider it a sign of respect to ring the doorbell when I visit someone. Sending e-mails or texting is also such a thing. As well as not calling NM on a daily basis and not spending all my days there, freely, happily, in a natural and relaxed way.
• My hair is abominable anyway, of course I'm still basking in my early adolescent years instead of growing up already.
• NM understands that I have a workplace, but still, I can call her while I'm working, or should have happy breakfasts with them at 5AM if I have to go to work early.
• The fact that I don't have breakfast with them every morning, and moreover that I don't eat what she wants me to (white bread, heavy food, with artificial flavors and fat), and that I don't eat tons of food means that I'm mentally insane, and that I don't let my own birthmother to nourish her child, and that I obviously don't love them. And it is particularly sick that I have breakfast in the office, not to mention that with people who are not my parents.
• She is so desperately sad when she is somewhere, and I'm not with her, something happens to her and I don't witness it, she would talk and I'm not there to listen.
• She also knows that I don't know how to shave my legs properly, she also had lots of dark hair, but now that she does it properly, she has less dark hair on her legs.
• And the details of her sexual life and the method of contraception that they use (which I now wouldn't disclose) as well as creating theories about my sexual life.
• It was a great idea that I have agreed with EF that we could go to the family's week-end house with DB to relax and stuff, so NM has decided that they would come also, and we would be together as a happy family. Of course they would not disturb us, she has already planned all the events and places we will go together, and eating together. If we want privacy, we can still go to the other room, sure.
• I mustn't talk to DB about this, obviously he'd be delighted to learn that FOO will also come, everyone would be happy. It is outrageous and ill-mannered that I don't want to say yes to such a wonderful idea of hers, and want to discuss it with DB.
• I am not allowed to leave to my office, even if it results in me being fired until I'm not genuinely and honestly happy from all this conversation and does not hug NM with warm honest overflowing love.

Fortunately after a few days (and help from my therapist) I've managed to think clearly again and realize that I wasn't the insane one, but still, this was outright scary.

EF left the room when she started. He was in the next room all the way long and heard everything. When later I mentioned this scene to him he said that "yes, I've heard what she said, but you have also said some very nasty and horrible things".

Any input, comment or opinion is welcome.

The first transition from Jekyll to Hide

I clearly remember the day. It was the very first day when I was allowed to take the bus and go home alone, instead of one of my parents picking me up after school. The first day when I had my own keys to the apartment. And the first day when I had a friend. I was 12.

She was a cheerful girl, full of life, and suprisingly, she lived only a few blocks away. She was new in class, and for some reason, she sat next to me and started talking to me (it was a new experience for me, but I'll write later about my failures in making friends). When the schoolday ended, she still kept on talking to me, and I was happy. For the first time, I felt hope, hope that someone will be my friend.

She suggested that before taking the bus together and going home, we would walk a few blocks and have ice cream. I was more than happy. Going somewhere, even for a few blocks, on foot, unsupervised by my parents, with a friend, and eating yummy ice cream - it was Heaven. We went there, ate it, and then we went home.

I have stepped into the apartment, head still in the clouds... and what awaited me there was Hell. Pure Hell. The only thing I remember is NM screaming in my face, that they were worried about me because I didn't get home at 4PM when I told them to, but a bit later. That they have already called the police. That they, and especially she has lost all trust in me, forever. That I have done irrevocable damage to our relationship between me and my parents. That they could never ever see me as they did before. That what I have done is unforgivable.

And that the girl, my friend, she has a very bad influence on me, that I just wait and see until she will drag me down to "her level", that she is "no good" for me. That she won't be as a perfectionist in studying as I was. And that I will suffer, unbearably, if I will try to continue being friends with her. That on the very first day, NM already saw that she will be trouble for me.

EF just stood there, and said that he was also worried, and looked a bit angry.

I was confused and sad, beyond imagination. Before that, everything I did was perfect (I guess I was the Golden Child back then). And now, I was the scapegoat. I didn't understand why my first attempts at getting friends and being happy with them infuriated NM so much. I didn't understand why does happiness come with such a price. I felt that I had the obligation to choose. Between my parents' love, and my own happiness.

But I hoped. I still hoped that what NM told about my future with my new friend was not true. That NM would accept our friendship. She constantly cursed my friend behind her back, to me. And I tried to protect her.

After a while my friend got fed up that my NM constantly gave her "the looks". Then she began to mock me, just like all the others in class, for my clothes, my hair. And then she abandoned me, for another. They became friends. She left this other girl after a year also. And the "other girl" and me became close friends for several years. But this is another story. After she abandoned my friendship, I thought that after all everything NM said in the first place was true. That she somehow had the powers to predict the future. That it was a proof that she was perfect in every sense and that she was always right. Obviously after the girl left me, there was never a day, when I didn't hear these from NM. I was 13. Convinced that I should trust no-one. Convinced that NM was God. Convinced that the only friend I would ever need was NM and no-one else.

When I think back on that day, when I went home happy, and instead of getting support and shared happiness, I only got punished, I only received distrust, hate and anger... I still feel that pain.

It was the first day NM openly turned from Jekyll to Hide. Little did I know that there was more of this to come...