Contradictions

I have been talking to NM about some random stuff, like shopping, and she told me that she hates cashiers since they are always grumpy and rude. I told her that I did not share that experience, because they are always seem nice to me. She then commented that "of course they would be kind to such a good-looking little girl like you" and was winking and making all that sort of meta-communication as if she was implying that the cashiers were certainly all male who were only nice to me because they could ogle me or because they hoped for sexual advances from me.

I told her that this comment was extremely sexist and that I do not welcome it. And as a sidenote, I also told her that by the way, those said cashiers were all elderly ladies. Well, I shouldn't have.

She started screaming at me that I had no right to tell her off as sexist, or any other way, since she was, in fact, talking about elderly lady cashiers to begin with, and no one else, and how rude I was to label her nice elderly ladies as sexist. It didn't bother her at all, that I only mentioned elderly ladies after her first comment. Also, EF seemed to notice no logical fallacies in her reasoning.

I was like WTF, if this isn't gaslighting I don't know what is.

These surely are a crazy bunch of people.

Two books - one book

I had a book once, from a scholar I really respect. It was a quite rare book, only one edition, with a unique dark blue cover.

I have lost that book (another story), and was very sad.

EF remembered the book, and how I missed it (it was partly his responsibility that I could not get that book back). So I received it as a present for Christmas, it was the same dark blue edition, but he had the author sign it for me. I was very happy. I showed it to DB, and also the author's signature.

We visited my FOO to have breakfast together and celebrate Easter. I was surprised to find a friend of my family there, it was unusual to see someone 'not family' visiting them during the holidays. But I was sort of happy because I was pretty sure that NM would try to act nice as long as anyone else sees her. DB and me got a book as a present for Easter. My book was a book from the scholar I respect. With a unique dark blue cover, signed by the author, for me.

Due to my conditioning, my first reaction was not to show any reaction and to hide that they did something weird or nasty (especially if what they did harmed me in any way). Especially because someone else was also there, their friend. So when they repeatedly asked whether I was happy, I said I was and I tried to act surprised. Even when at home, DB mentioned that he remembers me having something of that 'book series' already, and asked me to search for the other book, I told him that I did not want to look for it right now rather than admitting that something was going on.

I could only manage to tell him after a day has passed, that something was really weird and that I thought I got the same book as a present - twice in a row. (I still consider this as a progress, that I have managed to tell this to him, and not to cover for my FOO).

I asked DB whether I was completely crazy or he also remembered me getting the exact same book earlier as a present. He remembered.

I have checked whether I somehow got two identical books. Nope. No other dark blue book on the shelves.

I don't remember lending them the book I got earlier (that does not really mean anything, I tend to forget things easily, but I don't think I would have given this to them. I value it too much. However, I still have to consider the possibility that I could have 'forgot', the way I sometimes dissociate and 'black out' when NM is mentally torturing me).

1. I wonder whether one of them used the keys they have to my apartment and took the book.
2. Or I completely forgot lending them the book, and then they were either that senile to give the same book as a present to me in 4 months' time,
3. Or they really don't give a damn that much, which is basically the same for me
4. Or they are gaslighting the cr*p out of me (back to option #1)

WTF

Nevertheless, I have called the locksmiths, and I'm getting a new lock on my door.

Because ENGF is family

I know that NGM used illness as means to get anything she wanted, and justify all evil she has done. NM is just doing the same. No matter who is ill, she uses it to justify things and to get her way.

I have decided not to visit ENGF, as it was only a means for NM to 1) show off her 'perfect family', to 2) show me a 'good example' of how elderly abusive parents should be taken care of (she is going out of her way in hoping that now ENGF is old and not too healthy, he will finally see the error of his ways and lift NM from being the Scapegoat to becoming the Golden Child which will never happen of course) that I must also follow according to her, if she gets old/ill, and to 3) be able to stay alone with me and abuse me.

I have called ENGF. I asked how he was, we spoke for around 2 minutes.

As I have suspected when I could think clearly after NM's last phone attack, ENGF is coming out of hospital already. No, he did not die. No, he was not on the verge of dieing. He has to take a few pills and he is good to go. As usual, NM was lying again.

To be honest, I don't give a damn about ENGF. He never cared about me. He never loved me. I never got to know him. He was never a 'grandfather' for me, I don't even have a clue what grandparents are. I only saw him a few times during my life, since NM never let me close to her parents (I would have done the same if I was her, they were even more narcs than she is), only under constant supervision.

I only had a sort of 'relationship' with him for like 1-2 years, when I was in college. I was extremely depressed, and we sometimes met for a coffee and talked about mundane stuff. This has abruptly ended when he had a new (heavily abusive) relationship. He has decided not to visit any of us again, and never talked to me after that, only if I called him, and even then, he was purposefully mean to me.

He is also a pathological liar, and gaslighter. I remember when I called to say happy birthday to him. A few weeks after, he was screaming at me in front of my family for not even caring to call him for his birthday (note: he never calls me on mine). EF just told him one thing: 'You know, I was standing right next to you when Scatha called, and I heard her saying happy birthday.' As you have already guessed, ENGF still sticked to his truth, yelling at EF also that he was lieing for my sake, and how ungrateful and inconsiderate I am. Guess where NM learned all this shit.

The only thing I know about ENGF is that he is biologically related to me. That he is the extremely abusive father of NM who still abuses the hell out of her. Who has nothing but expectations towards me, but never gives anything. I feel that he has never loved me. I feel no emotional connection to him. And 'because he is your grandfather' is far from enough for me. Especially because this sentence is supposed to mean 'be a well-behaved doormat, contact him on a weekly basis so that he could twist his knife in your emotional wounds that hurt the most, you must support him in abusing you, because he is your grandfather'.

He (and NM) has a quite extended family (who are either abusive, enmeshed with each other in a very sick way, or rapists) who became flying monkeys whenever I don't fit in with their insane sick enmeshments. So I expect to receive a few calls about me not visiting ENGF in the hospital.

EF sent me an email commanding me to call ENGF. I told him that I have already done so. Lol.

My first run

I have decided to nurture myself and start running. I could not achieve much, and it was more walking than running, but I've still done 1.5 miles as a start. I even liked it. Until NM called me. I did not pick it up, because I did not want her to interrupt my first run ever (but she did already, anyway). She then sent a text message stating, that she already called twice.

I got home, was proud of myself that I could finally get out of my chair and do something for myself, took a good shower, and ordered my favorite 'lowcarb' food to have something for lunch tomorrow, as a little present for myself.

Then the phone rang again. And I have decided to pick it up.

I don't want to go into details, but most of the time NM cursed me for being a very bad person. She was heavily gaslighting, turning around everything I said (and I did not even say more than like 5 sentences). She told me I was crazy and evil, several times. The most triggering part was that this was mostly the reenactment of our phone conversation that I wrote about in The day when EF almost died, only ENGF being the 'protagonist' in hospital. Without the part when she told me I was killing EF. Although she did mentioned, that I would not know if they, NM and EF were dieing, because I was not picking up the phone, so I was basically killing both of them. I have managed to get the name of the hospital from her and 'this might be your last chance to see him alive' as a comment, but nothing else.

I told her that I did not need to be cursed, told how bad a person I was, and other stuff. NM commanded me to bring DB with me so that she could sit us both down and tell us how evil I was and how I cannot continue behaving this way. (I knew she wanted to do something to him, I knew it! My senses were right again!)

She completely negated that I, in fact, visited her, in person, last week. Then when I mentioned it, she did not accept it as a fact, or reality either. Gaslighting as its heaviest.

After I realized, that I was not going to learn anything new about ENGF, I hung up. I suppose her next move would have been sending EF at me as a flying monkey, since she was repeating my words to him, saying something like 'talk to her', but I did not wait for that.

After I hung up, I turned off all lights, and spent the following two hours crawled up into a ball, in the pitch-dark closet, crying. And I dreaded the moment when my food would have showed up at my doorstep and me having to open my door, giving a chance for NM to get to me, if she happened to peek out her front door. I finally got the food, without any interference.

I have talked to DB on the phone, he said I was not the crazy one and that he was sorry. At least he did not think I was crazy.

I have managed to refrain from starting to drink alcohol or smoking a cigarette, or eating what I have ordered instantly.

But I will leave my apartment between 6 and 7AM tomorrow. I feel a very strong urge to run away as far as possible, and going to work early seems the least self-harming option from it all.

I know, that this episode was a very heavy emotional flashback. I'm starting to feel less urge to self-harm, and less fear. I want to get better. I want to heal.

I am still capable of being proud of myself for going out to run today. And I will do it again, no matter how triggering it might be tomorrow.