Hello again everyone. I missed you all. Good to be back here.
Update, sort of:
ENGF died. At last. I don't miss him at all. He was extremely abusive with me (well, tried to be) and especially my FOO (succeeded) for the past few years. NM has repeatedly exposed herself to his behavior, and tried to drag me into it as well "you are his only granddaughter, you must, you are related, etc etc", but I refused to play this game anymore. NM asked for my advice(!) once and was utterly shocked that I bluntly told her, that she should not accept his behavior and if I was her, I'd let him rot wherever he is with all his cruelty, which I actually did anyway. I had managed NM with at least one abusive relative, and I'm proud of it. Now he is gone and I have crossed out a name from my list of abusive relatives. Yay!
This also means that the last parental abuser of NM is no longer alive. She is still clearly terrified of GCU, but I don't give a damn. He is screaming nonsense at her and she lets him. What is more interesting is that she is now quite confused as of what to do with her life from now on. No one to get her daily abuse from, so now she is afraid and she has no idea what to do.
She is trying to hoover me in.
There were a few days when she seemed normal, and she lured me in. The next thing I know, she is screaming at me about illogical and insane things, and then explaining to me that I should have children even if I don't want to ("you owe it to the family", "you are not religious enough if you don't have children", "you are old already"), since she lives next door, so she will just take them from me and raise them. I was like what.the.hell.
We have talked about this with DB, and we came to the conclusion that if we ever decide to have children, our parents will have one, and only one shot. We will invite all of them to lunch, and tell them the rules. If they do as we say, it's great, if they don't, they have no more access to our children. I'm really happy that he has my back about this as well.
After that, a few years later, NM called me about some random shit involving her being tested as healthy again at the doctor's, and that she knows how anxious I always am about these tests, are you Scatha? And that I will have to send a card to one of my relatives to make her look good. Two days later, I meet EF, and he says: "please call NM, you should really call her sometimes, she claims that you two have not talked for a month, and I know that it is not true since you were at our place a week ago, but still". Oh.My.Goodness.They.Are.Crazy.
(this can be translated as: nothing new happened. lol.)
Still, it is scary how downright insane these people can get. Especially that I'm related to them. Geez.
(yes, as usual, I blacked out during NM screaming at me about my future children so I did not react to anything she said, and therefore I'm taking a long time off again before communicating with them again)
I will read what you all wrote, try to catch up. All in all, good to be back. :)
Showing posts with label Enabler Narcissistic Grandfather. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Enabler Narcissistic Grandfather. Show all posts
Monday, January 20, 2014
Monday, March 18, 2013
Because ENGF is family
I know that NGM used illness as means to get anything she wanted, and justify all evil she has done. NM is just doing the same. No matter who is ill, she uses it to justify things and to get her way.
I have decided not to visit ENGF, as it was only a means for NM to 1) show off her 'perfect family', to 2) show me a 'good example' of how elderly abusive parents should be taken care of (she is going out of her way in hoping that now ENGF is old and not too healthy, he will finally see the error of his ways and lift NM from being the Scapegoat to becoming the Golden Child which will never happen of course) that I must also follow according to her, if she gets old/ill, and to 3) be able to stay alone with me and abuse me.
I have called ENGF. I asked how he was, we spoke for around 2 minutes.
As I have suspected when I could think clearly after NM's last phone attack, ENGF is coming out of hospital already. No, he did not die. No, he was not on the verge of dieing. He has to take a few pills and he is good to go. As usual, NM was lying again.
To be honest, I don't give a damn about ENGF. He never cared about me. He never loved me. I never got to know him. He was never a 'grandfather' for me, I don't even have a clue what grandparents are. I only saw him a few times during my life, since NM never let me close to her parents (I would have done the same if I was her, they were even more narcs than she is), only under constant supervision.
I only had a sort of 'relationship' with him for like 1-2 years, when I was in college. I was extremely depressed, and we sometimes met for a coffee and talked about mundane stuff. This has abruptly ended when he had a new (heavily abusive) relationship. He has decided not to visit any of us again, and never talked to me after that, only if I called him, and even then, he was purposefully mean to me.
He is also a pathological liar, and gaslighter. I remember when I called to say happy birthday to him. A few weeks after, he was screaming at me in front of my family for not even caring to call him for his birthday (note: he never calls me on mine). EF just told him one thing: 'You know, I was standing right next to you when Scatha called, and I heard her saying happy birthday.' As you have already guessed, ENGF still sticked to his truth, yelling at EF also that he was lieing for my sake, and how ungrateful and inconsiderate I am. Guess where NM learned all this shit.
The only thing I know about ENGF is that he is biologically related to me. That he is the extremely abusive father of NM who still abuses the hell out of her. Who has nothing but expectations towards me, but never gives anything. I feel that he has never loved me. I feel no emotional connection to him. And 'because he is your grandfather' is far from enough for me. Especially because this sentence is supposed to mean 'be a well-behaved doormat, contact him on a weekly basis so that he could twist his knife in your emotional wounds that hurt the most, you must support him in abusing you, because he is your grandfather'.
He (and NM) has a quite extended family (who are either abusive, enmeshed with each other in a very sick way, or rapists) who became flying monkeys whenever I don't fit in with their insane sick enmeshments. So I expect to receive a few calls about me not visiting ENGF in the hospital.
EF sent me an email commanding me to call ENGF. I told him that I have already done so. Lol.
I have decided not to visit ENGF, as it was only a means for NM to 1) show off her 'perfect family', to 2) show me a 'good example' of how elderly abusive parents should be taken care of (she is going out of her way in hoping that now ENGF is old and not too healthy, he will finally see the error of his ways and lift NM from being the Scapegoat to becoming the Golden Child which will never happen of course) that I must also follow according to her, if she gets old/ill, and to 3) be able to stay alone with me and abuse me.
I have called ENGF. I asked how he was, we spoke for around 2 minutes.
As I have suspected when I could think clearly after NM's last phone attack, ENGF is coming out of hospital already. No, he did not die. No, he was not on the verge of dieing. He has to take a few pills and he is good to go. As usual, NM was lying again.
To be honest, I don't give a damn about ENGF. He never cared about me. He never loved me. I never got to know him. He was never a 'grandfather' for me, I don't even have a clue what grandparents are. I only saw him a few times during my life, since NM never let me close to her parents (I would have done the same if I was her, they were even more narcs than she is), only under constant supervision.
I only had a sort of 'relationship' with him for like 1-2 years, when I was in college. I was extremely depressed, and we sometimes met for a coffee and talked about mundane stuff. This has abruptly ended when he had a new (heavily abusive) relationship. He has decided not to visit any of us again, and never talked to me after that, only if I called him, and even then, he was purposefully mean to me.
He is also a pathological liar, and gaslighter. I remember when I called to say happy birthday to him. A few weeks after, he was screaming at me in front of my family for not even caring to call him for his birthday (note: he never calls me on mine). EF just told him one thing: 'You know, I was standing right next to you when Scatha called, and I heard her saying happy birthday.' As you have already guessed, ENGF still sticked to his truth, yelling at EF also that he was lieing for my sake, and how ungrateful and inconsiderate I am. Guess where NM learned all this shit.
The only thing I know about ENGF is that he is biologically related to me. That he is the extremely abusive father of NM who still abuses the hell out of her. Who has nothing but expectations towards me, but never gives anything. I feel that he has never loved me. I feel no emotional connection to him. And 'because he is your grandfather' is far from enough for me. Especially because this sentence is supposed to mean 'be a well-behaved doormat, contact him on a weekly basis so that he could twist his knife in your emotional wounds that hurt the most, you must support him in abusing you, because he is your grandfather'.
He (and NM) has a quite extended family (who are either abusive, enmeshed with each other in a very sick way, or rapists) who became flying monkeys whenever I don't fit in with their insane sick enmeshments. So I expect to receive a few calls about me not visiting ENGF in the hospital.
EF sent me an email commanding me to call ENGF. I told him that I have already done so. Lol.
Monday, March 11, 2013
My first run
I have decided to nurture myself and start running. I could not achieve much, and it was more walking than running, but I've still done 1.5 miles as a start. I even liked it. Until NM called me. I did not pick it up, because I did not want her to interrupt my first run ever (but she did already, anyway). She then sent a text message stating, that she already called twice.
I got home, was proud of myself that I could finally get out of my chair and do something for myself, took a good shower, and ordered my favorite 'lowcarb' food to have something for lunch tomorrow, as a little present for myself.
Then the phone rang again. And I have decided to pick it up.
I don't want to go into details, but most of the time NM cursed me for being a very bad person. She was heavily gaslighting, turning around everything I said (and I did not even say more than like 5 sentences). She told me I was crazy and evil, several times. The most triggering part was that this was mostly the reenactment of our phone conversation that I wrote about in The day when EF almost died, only ENGF being the 'protagonist' in hospital. Without the part when she told me I was killing EF. Although she did mentioned, that I would not know if they, NM and EF were dieing, because I was not picking up the phone, so I was basically killing both of them. I have managed to get the name of the hospital from her and 'this might be your last chance to see him alive' as a comment, but nothing else.
I told her that I did not need to be cursed, told how bad a person I was, and other stuff. NM commanded me to bring DB with me so that she could sit us both down and tell us how evil I was and how I cannot continue behaving this way. (I knew she wanted to do something to him, I knew it! My senses were right again!)
She completely negated that I, in fact, visited her, in person, last week. Then when I mentioned it, she did not accept it as a fact, or reality either. Gaslighting as its heaviest.
After I realized, that I was not going to learn anything new about ENGF, I hung up. I suppose her next move would have been sending EF at me as a flying monkey, since she was repeating my words to him, saying something like 'talk to her', but I did not wait for that.
After I hung up, I turned off all lights, and spent the following two hours crawled up into a ball, in the pitch-dark closet, crying. And I dreaded the moment when my food would have showed up at my doorstep and me having to open my door, giving a chance for NM to get to me, if she happened to peek out her front door. I finally got the food, without any interference.
I have talked to DB on the phone, he said I was not the crazy one and that he was sorry. At least he did not think I was crazy.
I have managed to refrain from starting to drink alcohol or smoking a cigarette, or eating what I have ordered instantly.
But I will leave my apartment between 6 and 7AM tomorrow. I feel a very strong urge to run away as far as possible, and going to work early seems the least self-harming option from it all.
I know, that this episode was a very heavy emotional flashback. I'm starting to feel less urge to self-harm, and less fear. I want to get better. I want to heal.
I am still capable of being proud of myself for going out to run today. And I will do it again, no matter how triggering it might be tomorrow.
I got home, was proud of myself that I could finally get out of my chair and do something for myself, took a good shower, and ordered my favorite 'lowcarb' food to have something for lunch tomorrow, as a little present for myself.
Then the phone rang again. And I have decided to pick it up.
I don't want to go into details, but most of the time NM cursed me for being a very bad person. She was heavily gaslighting, turning around everything I said (and I did not even say more than like 5 sentences). She told me I was crazy and evil, several times. The most triggering part was that this was mostly the reenactment of our phone conversation that I wrote about in The day when EF almost died, only ENGF being the 'protagonist' in hospital. Without the part when she told me I was killing EF. Although she did mentioned, that I would not know if they, NM and EF were dieing, because I was not picking up the phone, so I was basically killing both of them. I have managed to get the name of the hospital from her and 'this might be your last chance to see him alive' as a comment, but nothing else.
I told her that I did not need to be cursed, told how bad a person I was, and other stuff. NM commanded me to bring DB with me so that she could sit us both down and tell us how evil I was and how I cannot continue behaving this way. (I knew she wanted to do something to him, I knew it! My senses were right again!)
She completely negated that I, in fact, visited her, in person, last week. Then when I mentioned it, she did not accept it as a fact, or reality either. Gaslighting as its heaviest.
After I realized, that I was not going to learn anything new about ENGF, I hung up. I suppose her next move would have been sending EF at me as a flying monkey, since she was repeating my words to him, saying something like 'talk to her', but I did not wait for that.
After I hung up, I turned off all lights, and spent the following two hours crawled up into a ball, in the pitch-dark closet, crying. And I dreaded the moment when my food would have showed up at my doorstep and me having to open my door, giving a chance for NM to get to me, if she happened to peek out her front door. I finally got the food, without any interference.
I have talked to DB on the phone, he said I was not the crazy one and that he was sorry. At least he did not think I was crazy.
I have managed to refrain from starting to drink alcohol or smoking a cigarette, or eating what I have ordered instantly.
But I will leave my apartment between 6 and 7AM tomorrow. I feel a very strong urge to run away as far as possible, and going to work early seems the least self-harming option from it all.
I know, that this episode was a very heavy emotional flashback. I'm starting to feel less urge to self-harm, and less fear. I want to get better. I want to heal.
I am still capable of being proud of myself for going out to run today. And I will do it again, no matter how triggering it might be tomorrow.
Tuesday, October 30, 2012
NM visits ENGF
ENGF is ill. NM visits him a few days a week, to help him, cook him food, buy him stuff, keep him company, etc.
(Note: ENGF never wants to see or talk to us, and he refuses all invitations. NM is desperate to somehow gain his, or GCU's love, but she always gets ice-cold refusal.)
NM told me about her last visit at ENGF. I don't even remember all the details, but what boiled down to me was that NM did not notice, that ENGF was making a complete fool of her, using her and laughing at her behind her back.
Like sending her out from his apartment to buy some bread for him, then when she goes back to him, he claims that he 'accidentally' forgot to mention that he also needed sour cream flavored chips (that were actually sour cream and onion, just he didn't say that so NM spent like an hour searching for 'sour cream' chips). Then when NM brought back the chips, he started yelling at her that she brought the wrong ones and then was surprised when he realized that she actually managed to buy the right ones despite him misinforming her. Then she announced she had somewhere else to be and that she was leaving, only to hear that he 'accidentally' forgot to mention that he also needed some medicine, from a certain shop, since the one in the other shop was too expensive. He claimed the shop was to the right in the mall. It was to the left, as it turned out, and was closed on that day. So NM bought the medicine in the other shop, for double price, and then listened at ENGF yelling at her for buying it at the wrong place. So as a self-punishment, she offered him that he can have the medicine for free and she was paying for it. Then she also offered to visit him again on all days of the weekend, so that neither NM nor EF will be able to rest at all. EF was surprised to hear that since before this, they agreed to visit him on Wednesday.
I told NM that it was pretty clear that ENGF was using her and abusing her, and that she should have stood up for herself and not let him do that.
NM was first very surprised that I have noticed the abuse, and couldn't say a word. Then she managed to say that she helps him and endures him 'being a little bit difficult' because she wants to set a good example before me so that I don't abandon her when she becomes old. And that if she stood up for herself against ENGF, I would surely abandon her, the way she abandoned her father.
I told her that she should rather worry about showing an example of being a doormat rather than showing a good example of standing up for herself in case of abuse. She was now shocked with surprise and quickly dismissed the subject.
I don't want to end up like her. It's so pathetic.
I ended up dreaming about screaming at NM all night long. (I have never ever screamed at anyone in my whole life). DB woke me up several times at night, because I was tossing and turning and crying. I am so happy that he cares about me even when I sleep.
(Note: ENGF never wants to see or talk to us, and he refuses all invitations. NM is desperate to somehow gain his, or GCU's love, but she always gets ice-cold refusal.)
NM told me about her last visit at ENGF. I don't even remember all the details, but what boiled down to me was that NM did not notice, that ENGF was making a complete fool of her, using her and laughing at her behind her back.
Like sending her out from his apartment to buy some bread for him, then when she goes back to him, he claims that he 'accidentally' forgot to mention that he also needed sour cream flavored chips (that were actually sour cream and onion, just he didn't say that so NM spent like an hour searching for 'sour cream' chips). Then when NM brought back the chips, he started yelling at her that she brought the wrong ones and then was surprised when he realized that she actually managed to buy the right ones despite him misinforming her. Then she announced she had somewhere else to be and that she was leaving, only to hear that he 'accidentally' forgot to mention that he also needed some medicine, from a certain shop, since the one in the other shop was too expensive. He claimed the shop was to the right in the mall. It was to the left, as it turned out, and was closed on that day. So NM bought the medicine in the other shop, for double price, and then listened at ENGF yelling at her for buying it at the wrong place. So as a self-punishment, she offered him that he can have the medicine for free and she was paying for it. Then she also offered to visit him again on all days of the weekend, so that neither NM nor EF will be able to rest at all. EF was surprised to hear that since before this, they agreed to visit him on Wednesday.
I told NM that it was pretty clear that ENGF was using her and abusing her, and that she should have stood up for herself and not let him do that.
NM was first very surprised that I have noticed the abuse, and couldn't say a word. Then she managed to say that she helps him and endures him 'being a little bit difficult' because she wants to set a good example before me so that I don't abandon her when she becomes old. And that if she stood up for herself against ENGF, I would surely abandon her, the way she abandoned her father.
I told her that she should rather worry about showing an example of being a doormat rather than showing a good example of standing up for herself in case of abuse. She was now shocked with surprise and quickly dismissed the subject.
I don't want to end up like her. It's so pathetic.
I ended up dreaming about screaming at NM all night long. (I have never ever screamed at anyone in my whole life). DB woke me up several times at night, because I was tossing and turning and crying. I am so happy that he cares about me even when I sleep.
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