Not making everybody's problems go away

Another situation came up, where I had the great chance of make someone's problems go away.

It was an emergency situation, involving hospitals, authorities, and one of my best friends. Friend had psychological issues for a while now (though before last year was one of the strongest and most normal people I have known), and I was helping her whenever I could. In this emergency, my first thought was to jump right in and become the knight in shining armor.

Helping as such would have required devoting my life (including maybe sacrificing my work, my relationship, and everything else for nearly a week) to said friend and taking legal responsibility for friend's descendants.

I have casually mentioned the issue to DB, and his first reaction was one question.

"You do realize, that this is now the dividing line between helping your friend and taking your friend's problems onto you?"

This was all I needed.

Yes, I needed this nudge (and thank God for DB, and his clear mind), but at least, I suddenly saw the situation as it was. It was a problem (although a huge one) of someone else. It was my friend's responsibility to take, and my friend's problem to solve. Not mine. I could show empathy, I could offer supporting words, but I did not have any obligation to give my life up.

I knew that me saying no could have brought more difficulties to my friend. I also felt sorry for the present situation. But I do not feel sorry for saying no.

This help would not have been real help. It would have prevented my friend from experiencing that it was possible to get out of this situation without my help. Without any outside help. To experience inner strength. To learn from mistakes.

I helped my friend by saying no. I helped myself by saying no.

One step forward for me again.

10 Commandments of Dysfunctional Families, from Sanctuary for the Abused

I have found this post a few months ago and have realized that most of these were present in my FOO, disguised as love, kindness, devotion, etc. What really surprised me when I first read it was the reality reinterpretation part was. That I was raised to experience one reality, and re-imagine a completely different one in my head. And obviously believe and preach the latter.

I'm interested in your thoughts about the article.

10 Commandments of Dysfunctional Families

Healing mantra for today

• Living and feeling my grief does not have to result in making myself physically, mentally or emotionally disabled.
• I cannot change other people's decisions, but I can make my own decisions about how to deal with the current situation in my life.
• If I feel sad, I can allow myself to feel that sadness. I do not have to repress my feelings, as I used to do.
• If I feel better, and things get easier, I do not have to push myself back into depression again, as I used to do.
• Just because I am not happy, I do not have to give up the things I love. I can allow myself to have coping methods.
• I do not have to act like as if everything was OK, I do not have to act happy. I do not have to jump into action with full force, especially if I realize that doing so without healing would only hurt more.
• If dealing with the art project intensely, or any other mundane action causes me pain, I can give myself time and decide not to do it for another day.
• Just because someone has decided not to talk to me, it does not mean that I am less loveable or valuable for either him or anyone else. 
• I can decide to continue the art project, I can decide to show those who count on me that I am there for them. I can allow myself to be happy in it, even if my ex-friend does not participate in it anymore. I do not have to sabotage the project consciously, or on an unconscious level.
• I can allow myself to move on. And I can take as much time as I need for that.

Losing love and taking blame

I just wanted to say that I'm alive, just very, very sad.

I have lost one of my best friends. It was his decision, and there is no way he will change his mind. A few days ago, I was still sunbathing in the warm light of his love, and were happily and very excitedly planning our art project together. And yesterday, came the cold reality, that he will leave the project, and will stop talking to me. In order to save his already failed relationship.

The project consisted of several people who depended on him and me. Now everyone, including me are standing above the carcass of the unborn art we wanted to create together, petrified, not understanding what has happened. I bet there is something in the background, it just doesn't make sense for me.

I've spent so far two days with crying, completely unable to eat, feeling the end-of-the-world, grieving for our beloved project and my friend, whom I still love. And trying to find reasons for blaming myself. It must have been my fault. I've killed our friendship. I've killed the project. I'm unable to keep anyone's love and will lose everyone in the end.

I've talked to DB about this, and he empathized with me and also reassured me that it wasn't my fault. That it was the unexpected decision of my friend, and I couldn't have done nothing about it. That I didn't know about it either. That it was his problem that he couldn't handle his personal life, and blamed it on the project, and the co-leader: me. It sounded so rational.

But I'm still searching for my pieces on the floor. This project gave meaning to my life in the past year. It was something that I loved the most, above almost anything else. And to lead it together with a friend, who loved it as much as I did was simply heaven. Now it is all gone, and I have absolutely no clue about how to go on.

However, during the talks with DB, there were two things I've realized, and I guess they are common among ACONs.

• My greatest fear is being abandoned by someone whom I love, and/or losing their love. I am sort of able to handle disasters in my life, but this, I am unable to cope with. I've realized that behind most of the things I do, there is the underlying motive of being afraid of losing love. I can devote extreme amounts of energy into anything that I think can preserve someone's love towards me. I am ready to do anything, bear any kind of pain, give up anything from myself, just not to lose friends.
• If I'm in a deep pain because of someone else, who has hurt me or been unjust with me, no matter how much twisting I have to do in my mind, I try to turn the situation in my head so that I can realize that it was my fault. It has to be my fault. And I am the first to take the blame if someone hurts me. Because if I'm responsible, I can do something against it. I can try harder. Be better. Put more effort in it. Love more. Be more devoted. Sacrifice more of myself. But if it is not my fault, I cannot control it. And I have to realize that someone whom I love, and who I thought loved me, could intentionally cause me pain. And that is more unbearable than being responsible for all the wrongs in the world.

Did you ever have similar thoughts or experiences? Fear of losing love? Or blaming yourselves?

From Injunctions and Drivers to Autonomy

I have described in my previous post - Injunctions and Drivers - the most basic messages that the child receives in the early ages and interprets them as means to stay alive. I have to note here, that it is possible, that the message is conveyed without the parent's intention (for example if either of them has to spend a longer time in hospital, the child can interpret it as abandonment and acquire the "don't be, don't exist" injunction).

For moving towards autonomy (consciousness, spontaneity and intimity), the goal is not to over-analyze our life-script. Realizing our own injunctions and drivers is only the means of getting rid of the life-script once and for all.

It is difficult, because these were the ones, that we believe with every inch of our body, will save us from demise. Starting questioning them usually stirs shit up, but it worths it.

The most important fact is, that you are OK as you are. Even if you make mistakes, even if you are guilty, even if you are the archetypal villain. You can always correct your faults and improve yourself. Your core, your deepest definition is OK.

Permissions instead of Injunctions

If you have managed to identify your own injunctions and drivers, or have found at least some of them, it usually results in sadness or anger. This is a normal first reaction. What is more difficult to accept is, that these were our own, very rational decisions, based on what we knew best with the mind of a small child, of course. These were useful and good decisions back then. These ensured our very survival - which is only possible that time if our parents nurture us.

It was an adaptive decision, because it worked: you are alive and grew up, and here you are, reading.

What has changed since then is only one thing: you are not a young child anymore. You can survive and live your live even if your parents don't love you.

Therefore, the once rational and valid injunctions are now invalid. Give permission to yourself to do what the injunction has forbidden you to do before. This new decision will be made with your adult self and consciousness:

• Permissions for Don't be (Don't exist)
• You can exist. You have just the same right to live as anyone else. You will die one day, but you don't have to bring that date closer in any way. You cannot be obliged physically, emotionally or relationship-wise to harm or destroy yourself, neither partially nor completely. You can give up any self-harming behavior and still survive life and its difficulties. You are allowed to be noticed by other people. Your life is yours alone, and you are allowed to live it.

• Permissions for Don't be who you are (Don't be You)
• You are who you are, and you are completely OK that way. You are generally valuable and good, with your gender, sexual orientation, personality, qualities, abilities, skills, thoughts, beliefs and preferences. Other people are OK if they are different from you, but you are OK the way you are. There can be things that you would like to improve or change in yourself, but this does not change the fact, that you are OK this way.

• Permissions for Don't be a child
• You can be imperfect, and you can be uninformed. You don't have to instantly know everything and be proficient in everything. You don't have to provide the maximum in every situation. You can be as free and as happy as a carefree child. You can put aside consciousness, rationality and responsibility, and you can play freely, without any specific reason. You can do things that are ineffective, irrational or not tangibly useful, for your own enjoyment. You can enjoy life as such and value the little things.

• Permissions for Don't grow up
• You are an adult. You can separate physically and emotionally from your parents and live your own life. You can experience your sexuality based on your own norms. You can make independent, responsible, rational, conscious decisions and you can bear the consequences for your decisions. You are able to evaluate situations on your own and phrase your own opinion about them. You can take everything you can into account when deciding something. You are allowed to prioritize.

• Permissions for Don't make it in your life (Don't succeed)
• You can perform well, you can achieve things, and you can finish whatever you have started. You are able to be successful, and you are allowed to succeed. You have every possibility to work for your own achievements, and you are capable to do things on your own. You be proud of yourself for your successes even if others are less successful in that particular field or situation.

• Permissions for Don't do anything!
• You can make your own decisions. You are allowed to make risky or wrong decisions. You don't have to escape critical situations. Your personal value is not dependent on your decisions. You can learn from your own mistakes and improve yourself. You can do what you intend to do, and you don't have to report about it to anyone. You can be loved if you are active.

• Permissions for Don't be important
• You are just as important as anyone else. Your needs, desires and requests are as important as anyone else's. You can be in the center of attention, and you deserve to be listened to. You can be beautiful, successful, smart, popular, and you can be loved. You have the right to have physical, emotional and social needs, you can take steps to fulfill these, and you are allowed to reach your goals. You can pay attention to yourself.

• Permissions for Don't belong
• You can decide to partially give up your own freedom and belong to a family, society, team, minority, movement, culture, nation, religion, band or any other group. You can have your own social connections. By belonging to others, you can still be yourself, and don't have to be enmeshed with anyone else. You can have different points of view and still belong to groups. You are allowed to agree with ideas, beliefs, thoughts that certain groups agree with.

• Permissions for Don't be close
• You can form intimate relationships with others. You can decide to be open and honest while communicating. You are allowed to trust others. You have the possibility to think the best of another person without prior proof. You can express your needs, feelings and opinion. You can have close friends, you can be close to the members of your family, your spouse, your children, your colleagues, your neighbor, and anyone else you decide to open up to.

• Permissions for Don't be well (Don't be sane!)
• You can be healthy and sane. You don't need to get attention by having physical or psychological symptoms. You deserve attention, love, respect and caring even if you are not different from others, even if you are not extravagant. You can stand out, but you can also be like others. You can live a healthy life physically, psychologically and emotionally. You can blend in if you choose to.

• Permissions for Don't think
• You have the right to know the world, and to form theories about anything. You can have your own opinion. You can realize problems and find solutions for them. You can ask questions, find answers and draw conclusions. You are allowed to make mistakes and be wrong, you can reconsider your previous conclusions. You do not have to stick to your past thoughts and beliefs. You have the right to think what you think. You don't have to evaluate your thoughts as right or wrong based on other people's thoughts or belief systems. Your thoughts and beliefs are your own, and you do not have to disclose them to anyone if you don't want to.

• Permissions for Don't feel
• You have the right to feel, and to express these feelings. You are allowed to be happy and feel good if your need is satisfied. You are allowed to feel bad, if your need is not satisfied. You can be sad because of the past, you can be angry in the present and you can be afraid of the future. Your feelings cannot be invalidated, they are neither right nor wrong, they simply exist. Your feelings are valid, and yours. You do not have to disclose your feelings to anyone if you don't want to. You can express your feelings to any extent you choose to, and you can decide whom you share your emotions with.

It does not mean that if you reprogram your injunctions with permissions, that you will become unscrupulous, or a sociopath/psychopath. By becoming autonomous, you don't inevitably become selfish as well. Knowing that you are allowed to do something does not mean that you are obliged to do it. It is a possibility, that you can decide. Redefining the values that originate from your childhood does not necessarily result in being valueless, an anarchist, or being a nihilist. You can have your own personal values, and stick to them, and if you - as an adult - realize that in a given situation it is appropriate for you to do so, you can act differently also.

To be honest, when I have learned about some of these, it literally made me cry. It was such an overwhelming feeling to even think that there is a world somewhere, where I am allowed to do those and be like that. And that I can let myself heal.

I'm nowhere near that road yet (I'm practicing one of these right now, and it is really difficult for me to forget lifelong conditioning, but I am taking one step at a time).

Permissions instead of Drivers

Drivers are usually the behind your belief that you are in deep shit and that "something wrong will happen". That punishment will come. If you have these thoughts (usually it does not even have a source in your thoughts where the punishment, the shitstorm or the end-of-the-world will originate from), it is very likely, that one of your Drivers has started operating. And, as the name shows: it will drive you like mad, to escape the perceived all-hell-will-break-loose, demise, and all the other horror. It is usually not enough to simply remove the drivers, as it is possible with Injunctions. What can help is to redefine them.

• Permissions for Please me/others!
• Please yourself!
• You don't have to please your parents or others to deserve others' acceptance and love.

• Permissions for Be Perfect!
• You are OK as you are!
• You don't have to be perfect to deserve others' acceptance and love.

• Permissions for Be Strong!
• Express your needs!
• You don't have to hide your emotions and be strong deserve others' acceptance and love.

• Permissions for Try Hard!
• Do it!
• You don't have to burden yourself with unfinished projects to deserve others' acceptance and love.

• Permissions for Hurry Up!
• Give yourself time!
• You don't have to hurry and multitask to deserve others' acceptance and love.

These redefinitions are all long processes. After all it took a lifetime so far to realize your injunctions and drivers. But with practice, self-love, and help from a professional mental health specialist, therapist or even a spiritual leader, it is possible and reachable.

Note: I'm using Wikipedia, Sanctuary for the Abused, businessballs.com, Eric Berne's What Do You Say After You Say Hello book, my therapist's sessions and my own thoughts to write this blogpost.

Injunctions and Drivers

The Transactional Analysis theory distinguishes Injunctions and Drivers as the basis on which children (usually until the age of 7) build their life scripts. I will not go into details now about the theory, but rather enumerate the Injunctions and the Drivers. When I have first learned about them it was quite a revelation for me. I hope it also helps you to start identifying your own ones.

Narcissistic parents are especially adept at imposing all these (negative) injunctions and drivers onto their children. When the child is young, their most basic instinct is survival, and that survival solely depends on parents. Thus, to absorb these injunctions and drivers is a rational decision back then. However, they will not dissolve during the process of growing up, and can cause problems during adult life, when 'making parents happy' is not the only way of survival anymore.

I will use data from Wikipedia, Internet of the Mind, sessions with my therapist and my own knowledge.

Injunctions

Injunctions are parental messages that instruct the child what not to do. These beliefs are the "Should", "Must", "Have to" and "Ought" beliefs that we hold about how things are in the world.
Some Injunctions are good and helpful while others become limiting beliefs that can sabotage our relationships and life goals.

• Don't be (Don't exist)
• "If it weren’t for you children, I could divorce your father…"
• "You were a mistake"
• "See what you do, why do you put me through this!"
• "I wish you’d never been born!"
• The message can be delivered in a multitude of non-verbal ways such as how the parent cares for and holds the child, the facial expressions and tone of voice, frowns, scowls, etc.
• Those who have this injunction can indulge in several types of self-harming behavior, or substance abuse to shorten lifespan. Or they can simply 'cease to exist' by diving into an abusive relationship, not having social life, etc.

• Don't be who you are (Don't be You)
• Parents do not accept the personality of the child, they would prefer to see the miniaturized version of themselves, including looks, preferences, way of thinking, career, religion, etc. They communicate that the child is not 'OK' the way he/she is.
• An example is children who get the message they are not the sex that was preferred by their parents adopt this Injunction. A mother with four boys who wanted a girl may subconsciously make the youngest one her "daughter". Or a father with all girls may make one of them a "little buddy" by giving positive strokes for doing son-like activities.

• Don't be a child
• Parents communicate that the child has to be perfect and should provide the absolute maximum at all times. They have to instantly possess all knowledge. They are not allowed to 'not know' something, to be carefree, to play freely, to enjoy simple little things, to do something without a 'reasonable goal', to be free of problems.
• Children who have been assigned the role of taking care of the younger children may have lost or given up their own childhood. They continue to function without the childlike qualities they have not yet developed. Other methods of conveying this message include telling a five year-old to "grow up!" or giving a toddler positive strokes for being "little men" or "proper little ladies".

• Don't grow up
• Parents communicate that the child should not make adult decisions, should not be an autonomous human being. The child should not separate from the parents, nor have their own norms, life or sexuality.
• The baby of the family often is the recipient of this Injunction, especially when the empty nest is approaching. This is usually the case when there is not a lot of intimacy between the parents or in single parent situations. Fathers may send this message to their daughters when they refuse to allow make-up, dating, wearing certain clothes when it is really an age-appropriate thing to do.

• Don't make it in your life (Don't succeed)
• Parents communicate that children should not be successful on their own, or without their parents. They are rewarded for making efforts but not actually finishing projects. Or, failure. Parental jealousy is also predominant, especially if the child gets better in anything that the parent has ever done before. Attempts of being better are belittled, frowned upon and forbidden.
• A father may send the message to "not do better than me" by quitting when his son begins to win at the game they are playing. Expecting perfection or frequently saying things like "You can’t do anything right!" or "What the hell is wrong with you?" are other ways this message gets conveyed.

• Don't do anything!
• Fearful, over-protective parents say don’t climb trees, don’t run, don’t try, don’t go too far, don’t play rough, don’t go too high on the swings, etc. These parents also tend to do everything for (instead of) the child. 
• The child gets the message that they must be fragile, or incompetent, and/or every decision they face is critical and, therefore, has trouble making decisions. They especially fear to make wrong decisions. They feel that passivity is the safest way to live. They believe that the world is a fearful place, where they cannot ever be safe.

• Don't be important
• The message conveyed is that children should not be in the center of attention. They cannot be smart, beautiful or successful. They should not have any needs (social, physical, emotional or any other), or if they do have any, they should sacrifice their own needs on the altar of others' needs. If they take steps towards meeting their own needs, they are confronted.
• This injunction comes from messages like "kids are to be seen, not heard", "Keep your mouth shut at the dinner table", or other discounts about how they may nothing of importance to offer. Children who are made fun of because of how they look, their race, or their social status may experience this injunction.

• Don't belong
• Children are expected not to belong to any group or society that are not approved by parents. They are encouraged not to have social connections, and their preferred groups, religions, societies, movements, nations, bands are frowned upon. Their attempts to make friends are criticized and are forbidden.
• Children who move a lot are most often the ones who have learned not to attach to a social group because as soon as they make attachments they move again and have to start all over. Other circumstances include kids who were frequently put down or made fun of for one reason or another by other kids.

• Don't be close
• Parents usually convey the message that no one can be trusted (who is outside of the family). Everyone else has ulterior motives, and has a knife behind their back. Friends, spouses and any intimate relationship are made impossible by the family by not letting friends visit, convincing the child that the friends are not appropriate for them, and driving them away.
• Discouraging the child from coming close, a lack of attention and affection, lack of physical touching, and a lack of positive strokes all send signals that may be interpreted as "Don’t Be close". Also, losing several people who have been close may be enough for a child to decide it is not worth getting close because "People I care about always leave me".
• This is usually also a result of broken promises, unpredictability, emotional unavailability of the parents who are preoccupied with a problem or each other.

• Don't be well (Don't be sane!)
• Some children only experienced nurturing when they were sick. They grow up to use the sick role to gain attention of others and to self-nurture as well. Usually at a subconscious level, getting well would mean isolation and abandonment to someone with this Injunction. 
• Children who grow up with a parent or parents who have a mental illness can learn how to do mental illness through role modeling. They may also be negatively stroked for healthy thinking and positively stroked for silly or bizarre behaviors. Most often, double-bind messages from parent to child where the child is "damned if s/he does and damned if s/he doesn’t" can foster this injunction
• Being 'different' is also predominant with children who have this injunction. They think that they cannot be noticed nor loved if they are not different from others in some twisted way.

• Don't think
• Children are discouraged from asking questions, wanting to know the world (the early 'what's this' and 'why' questions especially), questioning parents' actions or belief systems. They are discouraged from drawing consequences on their own, their theories about the world are belittled and they are often labeled stupid. Their thoughts are measured by the parents' thoughts, and there is only one 'right' solution or way of thinking. They are not allowed to change their minds. They are often thought-policed, and parents communicate that they have every right to know about all the thoughts in the child's head.

• Don't feel
• Feeling and expressions of fear, sadness, anger, guilt, embarrassment, loneliness, happiness, joy, or any other are not allowed.
• Emotions are judged by parents as 'right' and 'wrong', emotional invalidation is predominant.
• Learning to emotionally "Numb Out" creates physical, emotional and psychological safety

In addition, there is the so-called episcript: "You should (or deserve to) have this happen in your life, so it doesn't have to happen to me." (Magical thinking on the part of the parent(s).)

Drivers

Against these, a child is often told other things he or she must do. There is debate as to whether there are five or six of these 'drivers':
The basic notion of these drivers is the assumption that you will be 'OK' as long as you let on one or more of the following drivers drive your life. If you stop living your life based on these, you will lose the love of your parents (and all other people in the world), you will not be able to function and you will cease to exist.

• Please me/others!
• You exist to serve (your parents) others, and others only. Your needs and desires have to be nonexistent. Other people's happiness are way more important than yours. If others are unhappy, or they did not reassure you that you made them happy, you have failed. You have to perform others' requests without critique and without any hesitation. You don't have the right to say no. You should feed others but you cannot eat, you should make others feel comfortable, but you cannot rest, you have to please others, but you cannot let yourself to be happy. You mustn't pay attention to yourself, nor let anyone do it for you. You have to be like a candle: provide light and warmth for others while consuming yourself. Die in cancer.

• Be perfect!
• You have to be perfect. If you achieve only 99%, it is the same as if you were doing nothing, and you are worthless. If you fail, or you miss a minor detail, you cease to exist. You have to be absolutely precise in everything: work, behavior, body, choice of words, sexual life, you even have to have fun and relax perfectly. You always have to win at everything.

• Be Strong!
• You have to be strong all the time. There is no time to feel anything or to express your emotions. You mustn't have any emotions at all, they are for the weak, the worthless. If you ever dare to feel anything, you are forbidden to show them. You must have the perfect poker face ever, at all times. You cannot be weak, you cannot be human. You must be invulnerable, and put up with everything other people cannot put up with. You have to refuse help.

• Try Hard!
• Life is hard, life is a constant battle. Try. Try hard. Try harder. You cannot refuse requests. You must always get better and do more. Do everything, and even more to reach the goals and finish projects, but always stop before the end. Never finish anything in your life. You can become terminally ill, you can go crazy, you can destroy your own relationships, you can choose tasks that you are unable to complete, you can forget what you were doing, but you must never finish.

• Hurry Up!
• You mustn't be lazy, you cannot take your time. You cannot focus on a task. You don't have time for anything, you mustn't rest, you always have to carry on and move forward. Thinking about things, looking at them from different angles or contemplating over them is a waste of time. You have to be able to do multiple things at once, and you must be ready with everything by yesterday. So much to do, so little time.

• Be Careful! (in dispute)

Thus in creating his script, a child will often attempt to juggle these, example: "It's okay for me to go on living (ignore don't exist) so long as I try hard".

In the next post I will describe a few 'mantras' that you can practice telling yourself to help countering these injunctions and drivers. However, I also recommend seeking a therapist (I am not one of them).