Another "gift" from EF

Hi all,

I'm currently struggling with severe depression and I can hardly go to work everyday, so my posting abilities are lacking. But at least I'm in therapy.

I still don't understand how can I fall for it every.fcking.time. But really this was the last one, EF is like a Trojan Horse when it comes to gift giving.

He knows that I have a cellphone that is nearly 10 years old and it is almost unusable, and that my job would require using a "modern" cellphone, because I'm starting to have difficulties due to not having one. So he started talking about how useful it would be for me to have a new cellphone. Since the one that has all the functions my work requires would cost around $800, I told him that I was planning saving up for it for several months, and then buying it when I could afford it without tossing myself into financial problems.

Then he started constantly talking about how he would like to help me in any way he could and how he realized that they were not paying attention to my genuine interests and needs when giving me "presents" (the usual narc presents - either something THEY would want, or something that I completely hate or it is visibly some cheap junk that they have been using for years and now have bought something better for themselves, or something that shows how little they know about me). After a few weeks of being all nicey-nice to me and describing how sincerely he wants to help me, he started talking really seriously about him buying me the cellphone as a present for a personal event.

I was honestly surprised and told him that it was a really expensive one that I intended to buy for myself and that I know that they don't have the money right now for that kind of thing (they are like some weird poor version of Ebenezer Scrooge anyway). So we sort of agreed on that I will "help" in with a few dollars, and he and DB will team up and will pay for the rest. I still didn't believe him, but in the end, he took me to the cellphone store and even helped me talking to the cashier (I'm having panic attacks when having to talk to strangers nowadays and it is really debilitating). When it came to paying he asked me, whether I could just pay for it and then he would give me the money together with DB during the celebration party. I said sure, it would be easier anyway if we did not have to juggle several credit cards.

The event celebration came, I thought it would be appropriate to take the cellphone with me to "show it to NM" since I figured she would demand to look at it anyway. She was completely surprised, asked me how I decided to suddenly buy a cellphone, and how much I paid for it (this is SO her) and then she was genuinely shocked when she heard how much I spent on it. Then EF arrived as well, and they gave me my present: two plain white $1 coffee mugs "because you said 8 years ago that you don't have any", some herbs from NM's garden, a 3-inch mini toy(!) frying pan and some booze. I was so dumbfounded that I didn't know what to say.

When I got home, I asked DB about whether EF ever contacted him about the cellphone and he said no. (I didn't talk to him about before because I didn't want to ruin his happiness by letting him know that I know about the "surprise"). It has been more than a week now and EF still haven't contacted me. I guess he realized that he doesn't have the guts to tell NM about the plan, so he threw me into the gutter instead to escape her wrath. What hurts me the most is not that now I don't have money to pay my bills for the month (which I have explicitly told EF and to which he reacted that he was really sad that I even brought up this subject since he was so sincere in his intent about paying for the cellphone). What hurts me the most is that I fell for his trap for the fourth time now. And that up until now, he tricked me into paying for things that were far beyond my paygrade with promises of him "helping" and then suddenly withdrawing at the last moment and NEVER talking about it again, or derailing the conversation with "you know we are very poor right now" (this is how I also "accidentally" bought my current apartment) and me struggling with starvation and begging to people for money for years as a result.

I feel so disappointed and tricked and stupid and gullible. How could have I been so stupid again? I wanted to believe so badly that now that he knows how deeply I am in depression he somehow felt sorry for me for the first time, and that he really wanted to help me. I wanted to believe so badly that he cared after all. He even said that "I know that you would not ever buy something so expensive for yourself, but I also know that it would help you greatly with your work, so let me help you please, I want to give you something you wouldn't think you deserve".

Fuck him.

So now, I have a brand new phone that at least I can work with, and no money to pay for electricity or water. Thanks EF. Again.

DB is there, I will not starve (again), but still. My stupidity hurts like hell.

p.s.: I bet he will turn up after a month or two with a $10 bill in his hand to "contribute". Just watch.

I'm back, and about ENGF

Hello again everyone. I missed you all. Good to be back here.

Update, sort of:

ENGF died. At last. I don't miss him at all. He was extremely abusive with me (well, tried to be) and especially my FOO (succeeded) for the past few years. NM has repeatedly exposed herself to his behavior, and tried to drag me into it as well "you are his only granddaughter, you must, you are related, etc etc", but I refused to play this game anymore. NM asked for my advice(!) once and was utterly shocked that I bluntly told her, that she should not accept his behavior and if I was her, I'd let him rot wherever he is with all his cruelty, which I actually did anyway. I had managed NM with at least one abusive relative, and I'm proud of it. Now he is gone and I have crossed out a name from my list of abusive relatives. Yay!

This also means that the last parental abuser of NM is no longer alive. She is still clearly terrified of GCU, but I don't give a damn. He is screaming nonsense at her and she lets him. What is more interesting is that she is now quite confused as of what to do with her life from now on. No one to get her daily abuse from, so now she is afraid and she has no idea what to do.

She is trying to hoover me in.

There were a few days when she seemed normal, and she lured me in. The next thing I know, she is screaming at me about illogical and insane things, and then explaining to me that I should have children even if I don't want to ("you owe it to the family", "you are not religious enough if you don't have children", "you are old already"), since she lives next door, so she will just take them from me and raise them. I was like what.the.hell.

We have talked about this with DB, and we came to the conclusion that if we ever decide to have children, our parents will have one, and only one shot. We will invite all of them to lunch, and tell them the rules. If they do as we say, it's great, if they don't, they have no more access to our children. I'm really happy that he has my back about this as well.

After that, a few years later, NM called me about some random shit involving her being tested as healthy again at the doctor's, and that she knows how anxious I always am about these tests, are you Scatha? And that I will have to send a card to one of my relatives to make her look good. Two days later, I meet EF, and he says: "please call NM, you should really call her sometimes, she claims that you two have not talked for a month, and I know that it is not true since you were at our place a week ago, but still". Oh.My.Goodness.They.Are.Crazy.

(this can be translated as: nothing new happened. lol.)

Still, it is scary how downright insane these people can get. Especially that I'm related to them. Geez.

(yes, as usual, I blacked out during NM screaming at me about my future children so I did not react to anything she said, and therefore I'm taking a long time off again before communicating with them again)

I will read what you all wrote, try to catch up. All in all, good to be back. :)

Two books - one book

I had a book once, from a scholar I really respect. It was a quite rare book, only one edition, with a unique dark blue cover.

I have lost that book (another story), and was very sad.

EF remembered the book, and how I missed it (it was partly his responsibility that I could not get that book back). So I received it as a present for Christmas, it was the same dark blue edition, but he had the author sign it for me. I was very happy. I showed it to DB, and also the author's signature.

We visited my FOO to have breakfast together and celebrate Easter. I was surprised to find a friend of my family there, it was unusual to see someone 'not family' visiting them during the holidays. But I was sort of happy because I was pretty sure that NM would try to act nice as long as anyone else sees her. DB and me got a book as a present for Easter. My book was a book from the scholar I respect. With a unique dark blue cover, signed by the author, for me.

Due to my conditioning, my first reaction was not to show any reaction and to hide that they did something weird or nasty (especially if what they did harmed me in any way). Especially because someone else was also there, their friend. So when they repeatedly asked whether I was happy, I said I was and I tried to act surprised. Even when at home, DB mentioned that he remembers me having something of that 'book series' already, and asked me to search for the other book, I told him that I did not want to look for it right now rather than admitting that something was going on.

I could only manage to tell him after a day has passed, that something was really weird and that I thought I got the same book as a present - twice in a row. (I still consider this as a progress, that I have managed to tell this to him, and not to cover for my FOO).

I asked DB whether I was completely crazy or he also remembered me getting the exact same book earlier as a present. He remembered.

I have checked whether I somehow got two identical books. Nope. No other dark blue book on the shelves.

I don't remember lending them the book I got earlier (that does not really mean anything, I tend to forget things easily, but I don't think I would have given this to them. I value it too much. However, I still have to consider the possibility that I could have 'forgot', the way I sometimes dissociate and 'black out' when NM is mentally torturing me).

1. I wonder whether one of them used the keys they have to my apartment and took the book.
2. Or I completely forgot lending them the book, and then they were either that senile to give the same book as a present to me in 4 months' time,
3. Or they really don't give a damn that much, which is basically the same for me
4. Or they are gaslighting the cr*p out of me (back to option #1)

WTF

Nevertheless, I have called the locksmiths, and I'm getting a new lock on my door.

Because ENGF is family

I know that NGM used illness as means to get anything she wanted, and justify all evil she has done. NM is just doing the same. No matter who is ill, she uses it to justify things and to get her way.

I have decided not to visit ENGF, as it was only a means for NM to 1) show off her 'perfect family', to 2) show me a 'good example' of how elderly abusive parents should be taken care of (she is going out of her way in hoping that now ENGF is old and not too healthy, he will finally see the error of his ways and lift NM from being the Scapegoat to becoming the Golden Child which will never happen of course) that I must also follow according to her, if she gets old/ill, and to 3) be able to stay alone with me and abuse me.

I have called ENGF. I asked how he was, we spoke for around 2 minutes.

As I have suspected when I could think clearly after NM's last phone attack, ENGF is coming out of hospital already. No, he did not die. No, he was not on the verge of dieing. He has to take a few pills and he is good to go. As usual, NM was lying again.

To be honest, I don't give a damn about ENGF. He never cared about me. He never loved me. I never got to know him. He was never a 'grandfather' for me, I don't even have a clue what grandparents are. I only saw him a few times during my life, since NM never let me close to her parents (I would have done the same if I was her, they were even more narcs than she is), only under constant supervision.

I only had a sort of 'relationship' with him for like 1-2 years, when I was in college. I was extremely depressed, and we sometimes met for a coffee and talked about mundane stuff. This has abruptly ended when he had a new (heavily abusive) relationship. He has decided not to visit any of us again, and never talked to me after that, only if I called him, and even then, he was purposefully mean to me.

He is also a pathological liar, and gaslighter. I remember when I called to say happy birthday to him. A few weeks after, he was screaming at me in front of my family for not even caring to call him for his birthday (note: he never calls me on mine). EF just told him one thing: 'You know, I was standing right next to you when Scatha called, and I heard her saying happy birthday.' As you have already guessed, ENGF still sticked to his truth, yelling at EF also that he was lieing for my sake, and how ungrateful and inconsiderate I am. Guess where NM learned all this shit.

The only thing I know about ENGF is that he is biologically related to me. That he is the extremely abusive father of NM who still abuses the hell out of her. Who has nothing but expectations towards me, but never gives anything. I feel that he has never loved me. I feel no emotional connection to him. And 'because he is your grandfather' is far from enough for me. Especially because this sentence is supposed to mean 'be a well-behaved doormat, contact him on a weekly basis so that he could twist his knife in your emotional wounds that hurt the most, you must support him in abusing you, because he is your grandfather'.

He (and NM) has a quite extended family (who are either abusive, enmeshed with each other in a very sick way, or rapists) who became flying monkeys whenever I don't fit in with their insane sick enmeshments. So I expect to receive a few calls about me not visiting ENGF in the hospital.

EF sent me an email commanding me to call ENGF. I told him that I have already done so. Lol.

Pink cupcakes

I have adored the pink cupcakes my FOO makes, since I was very little. ENGF's female relatives were especially awesome at making them, and NM has learned from them how to produce the exact same taste.

If there could be only one type of sweet food in the world, I would vote for my FOO's pink cupcakes.

Last week, I have planned to 'sleep in' a bit, since I was way too exhausted from working until midnight almost every day. Then the doorbell rang at 7AM. When I have realized what has happened, climbed out of my dream, crouched out of my bed and hobbled to the door, the person who has ringed my bell was already gone. So was my dream. I have heard a faint 'clank' which was fairly similar to the sound of NM's front door, so I thought that it was them. I was furious, but managed to sleep a bit more.

A few days after that, NM called. She informed me, that she had 'cupcakes with her', and that she tried to contact me 'several times', so that she could give some to me. Now I was sure that it was her, who woke me up. I did not tell her that I have heard the doorbell, nor that I knew she did not contact me 'several times', but only once. I had no unanswered calls on my phone. She was simply lying. Her next sentence was a question: 'Do I have to put them in a bag and put them in front of your door so that you would get them'?

It was not a question. It was an annoyed imperative. She. Wanted. To. Give. Me. Cupcakes. Period. And she was irritated, that she did not succeed. How fucked up is that? Forcing your 'gift' on someone, no matter if they are sleeping, working, taking  a 'nap' with their DB or anything else.

I told her, that if I have time, I will contact her about the cupcakes. She said hi then, so I hung up. (and I have heard that she still continued talking after she said goodbye, which is also her usual tactic of checking whether I could be held up for another four hours). I did not fall for that.

My problems with this (besides the obvious) are the following:

• She said 'cupcakes'. Not 'the pink cupcakes you adore', but 'cupcakes'. I think it was a way to make me think that it was the special pink ones, and then presenting me some shitty ordinary cupcakes (that I hate anyway) from the bakery. And then not being responsible for luring me into meeting her, with a lie. And putting all the responsibility on me, to decrypt her vague message, and then bear all the consequences.
• She knows that one of the things I consider serious is the Great Lent, before Easter. Not because of religious reasons (although it is also there in the background), but mainly because I consider it good for my health both physically and mentally, and because for some reason, this is the time of the year when fasting is the easiest. Since I am not really fond of meat anyway, I usually follow a low-carb, more veggies, more organic food, no sugar diet. She knows it, and she resents me for it. She spits out the word 'diet' like it was equal to kidnapping children. She does everything in her power to make me fail. She wants to be the thinner one, but she never works out, or eats healthy. Cupcakes are nothing but sugar and carbs. I love them, but not now, thanks. This is a clear boundary violation.
• She also knows, that I have explicitly told both her and EF not to ever ring my doorbell. Several times. This is a clear boundary violation.
• I hate getting presents from her. They always come with a price. And what I hate more is unwanted food. First, for the abovementioned reason. Second, because there is always a plate accompanying said food, that I have to wash and then return which forecasts one more compulsory contact with her. I do not want to do that. Third, it is a covert communication of 'you cannot even make food for yourself, you depend on me or you die, you are not a real woman because you cannot bake such things for DB but I can bake for him to show who the real woman is here, you are unlovable, you are worthless'. I know this, because I've heard these sentences enough, accompanying food gifts. And I'm not accepting it.
• I don't want anything that is forced on me. Even if it is the most delicious food on Earth, I do not want it. (and yes, it is difficult to resist even the thought)
• She knows, that I was working on all weekend (when I should have visited them for the 'cupcakes'). She also knew that DB was away all weekend, also working. Meaning that I was alone and there was no one around to protect or comfort me, if anything went wrong. A huge red flag again.

She called me again, yesterday evening. I did not pick it up. I then fought through a half-hour anxiety attack of what torture might come as a punishment for me not picking up the phone, but then it went away. I guess it would have been about the cupcakes again.

So, no for cupcakes. Even if they were the pink ones.