Injunctions and Drivers

The Transactional Analysis theory distinguishes Injunctions and Drivers as the basis on which children (usually until the age of 7) build their life scripts. I will not go into details now about the theory, but rather enumerate the Injunctions and the Drivers. When I have first learned about them it was quite a revelation for me. I hope it also helps you to start identifying your own ones.

Narcissistic parents are especially adept at imposing all these (negative) injunctions and drivers onto their children. When the child is young, their most basic instinct is survival, and that survival solely depends on parents. Thus, to absorb these injunctions and drivers is a rational decision back then. However, they will not dissolve during the process of growing up, and can cause problems during adult life, when 'making parents happy' is not the only way of survival anymore.

I will use data from Wikipedia, Internet of the Mind, sessions with my therapist and my own knowledge.

Injunctions

Injunctions are parental messages that instruct the child what not to do. These beliefs are the "Should", "Must", "Have to" and "Ought" beliefs that we hold about how things are in the world.
Some Injunctions are good and helpful while others become limiting beliefs that can sabotage our relationships and life goals.

• Don't be (Don't exist)
• "If it weren’t for you children, I could divorce your father…"
• "You were a mistake"
• "See what you do, why do you put me through this!"
• "I wish you’d never been born!"
• The message can be delivered in a multitude of non-verbal ways such as how the parent cares for and holds the child, the facial expressions and tone of voice, frowns, scowls, etc.
• Those who have this injunction can indulge in several types of self-harming behavior, or substance abuse to shorten lifespan. Or they can simply 'cease to exist' by diving into an abusive relationship, not having social life, etc.

• Don't be who you are (Don't be You)
• Parents do not accept the personality of the child, they would prefer to see the miniaturized version of themselves, including looks, preferences, way of thinking, career, religion, etc. They communicate that the child is not 'OK' the way he/she is.
• An example is children who get the message they are not the sex that was preferred by their parents adopt this Injunction. A mother with four boys who wanted a girl may subconsciously make the youngest one her "daughter". Or a father with all girls may make one of them a "little buddy" by giving positive strokes for doing son-like activities.

• Don't be a child
• Parents communicate that the child has to be perfect and should provide the absolute maximum at all times. They have to instantly possess all knowledge. They are not allowed to 'not know' something, to be carefree, to play freely, to enjoy simple little things, to do something without a 'reasonable goal', to be free of problems.
• Children who have been assigned the role of taking care of the younger children may have lost or given up their own childhood. They continue to function without the childlike qualities they have not yet developed. Other methods of conveying this message include telling a five year-old to "grow up!" or giving a toddler positive strokes for being "little men" or "proper little ladies".

• Don't grow up
• Parents communicate that the child should not make adult decisions, should not be an autonomous human being. The child should not separate from the parents, nor have their own norms, life or sexuality.
• The baby of the family often is the recipient of this Injunction, especially when the empty nest is approaching. This is usually the case when there is not a lot of intimacy between the parents or in single parent situations. Fathers may send this message to their daughters when they refuse to allow make-up, dating, wearing certain clothes when it is really an age-appropriate thing to do.

• Don't make it in your life (Don't succeed)
• Parents communicate that children should not be successful on their own, or without their parents. They are rewarded for making efforts but not actually finishing projects. Or, failure. Parental jealousy is also predominant, especially if the child gets better in anything that the parent has ever done before. Attempts of being better are belittled, frowned upon and forbidden.
• A father may send the message to "not do better than me" by quitting when his son begins to win at the game they are playing. Expecting perfection or frequently saying things like "You can’t do anything right!" or "What the hell is wrong with you?" are other ways this message gets conveyed.

• Don't do anything!
• Fearful, over-protective parents say don’t climb trees, don’t run, don’t try, don’t go too far, don’t play rough, don’t go too high on the swings, etc. These parents also tend to do everything for (instead of) the child. 
• The child gets the message that they must be fragile, or incompetent, and/or every decision they face is critical and, therefore, has trouble making decisions. They especially fear to make wrong decisions. They feel that passivity is the safest way to live. They believe that the world is a fearful place, where they cannot ever be safe.

• Don't be important
• The message conveyed is that children should not be in the center of attention. They cannot be smart, beautiful or successful. They should not have any needs (social, physical, emotional or any other), or if they do have any, they should sacrifice their own needs on the altar of others' needs. If they take steps towards meeting their own needs, they are confronted.
• This injunction comes from messages like "kids are to be seen, not heard", "Keep your mouth shut at the dinner table", or other discounts about how they may nothing of importance to offer. Children who are made fun of because of how they look, their race, or their social status may experience this injunction.

• Don't belong
• Children are expected not to belong to any group or society that are not approved by parents. They are encouraged not to have social connections, and their preferred groups, religions, societies, movements, nations, bands are frowned upon. Their attempts to make friends are criticized and are forbidden.
• Children who move a lot are most often the ones who have learned not to attach to a social group because as soon as they make attachments they move again and have to start all over. Other circumstances include kids who were frequently put down or made fun of for one reason or another by other kids.

• Don't be close
• Parents usually convey the message that no one can be trusted (who is outside of the family). Everyone else has ulterior motives, and has a knife behind their back. Friends, spouses and any intimate relationship are made impossible by the family by not letting friends visit, convincing the child that the friends are not appropriate for them, and driving them away.
• Discouraging the child from coming close, a lack of attention and affection, lack of physical touching, and a lack of positive strokes all send signals that may be interpreted as "Don’t Be close". Also, losing several people who have been close may be enough for a child to decide it is not worth getting close because "People I care about always leave me".
• This is usually also a result of broken promises, unpredictability, emotional unavailability of the parents who are preoccupied with a problem or each other.

• Don't be well (Don't be sane!)
• Some children only experienced nurturing when they were sick. They grow up to use the sick role to gain attention of others and to self-nurture as well. Usually at a subconscious level, getting well would mean isolation and abandonment to someone with this Injunction. 
• Children who grow up with a parent or parents who have a mental illness can learn how to do mental illness through role modeling. They may also be negatively stroked for healthy thinking and positively stroked for silly or bizarre behaviors. Most often, double-bind messages from parent to child where the child is "damned if s/he does and damned if s/he doesn’t" can foster this injunction
• Being 'different' is also predominant with children who have this injunction. They think that they cannot be noticed nor loved if they are not different from others in some twisted way.

• Don't think
• Children are discouraged from asking questions, wanting to know the world (the early 'what's this' and 'why' questions especially), questioning parents' actions or belief systems. They are discouraged from drawing consequences on their own, their theories about the world are belittled and they are often labeled stupid. Their thoughts are measured by the parents' thoughts, and there is only one 'right' solution or way of thinking. They are not allowed to change their minds. They are often thought-policed, and parents communicate that they have every right to know about all the thoughts in the child's head.

• Don't feel
• Feeling and expressions of fear, sadness, anger, guilt, embarrassment, loneliness, happiness, joy, or any other are not allowed.
• Emotions are judged by parents as 'right' and 'wrong', emotional invalidation is predominant.
• Learning to emotionally "Numb Out" creates physical, emotional and psychological safety

In addition, there is the so-called episcript: "You should (or deserve to) have this happen in your life, so it doesn't have to happen to me." (Magical thinking on the part of the parent(s).)

Drivers

Against these, a child is often told other things he or she must do. There is debate as to whether there are five or six of these 'drivers':
The basic notion of these drivers is the assumption that you will be 'OK' as long as you let on one or more of the following drivers drive your life. If you stop living your life based on these, you will lose the love of your parents (and all other people in the world), you will not be able to function and you will cease to exist.

• Please me/others!
• You exist to serve (your parents) others, and others only. Your needs and desires have to be nonexistent. Other people's happiness are way more important than yours. If others are unhappy, or they did not reassure you that you made them happy, you have failed. You have to perform others' requests without critique and without any hesitation. You don't have the right to say no. You should feed others but you cannot eat, you should make others feel comfortable, but you cannot rest, you have to please others, but you cannot let yourself to be happy. You mustn't pay attention to yourself, nor let anyone do it for you. You have to be like a candle: provide light and warmth for others while consuming yourself. Die in cancer.

• Be perfect!
• You have to be perfect. If you achieve only 99%, it is the same as if you were doing nothing, and you are worthless. If you fail, or you miss a minor detail, you cease to exist. You have to be absolutely precise in everything: work, behavior, body, choice of words, sexual life, you even have to have fun and relax perfectly. You always have to win at everything.

• Be Strong!
• You have to be strong all the time. There is no time to feel anything or to express your emotions. You mustn't have any emotions at all, they are for the weak, the worthless. If you ever dare to feel anything, you are forbidden to show them. You must have the perfect poker face ever, at all times. You cannot be weak, you cannot be human. You must be invulnerable, and put up with everything other people cannot put up with. You have to refuse help.

• Try Hard!
• Life is hard, life is a constant battle. Try. Try hard. Try harder. You cannot refuse requests. You must always get better and do more. Do everything, and even more to reach the goals and finish projects, but always stop before the end. Never finish anything in your life. You can become terminally ill, you can go crazy, you can destroy your own relationships, you can choose tasks that you are unable to complete, you can forget what you were doing, but you must never finish.

• Hurry Up!
• You mustn't be lazy, you cannot take your time. You cannot focus on a task. You don't have time for anything, you mustn't rest, you always have to carry on and move forward. Thinking about things, looking at them from different angles or contemplating over them is a waste of time. You have to be able to do multiple things at once, and you must be ready with everything by yesterday. So much to do, so little time.

• Be Careful! (in dispute)

Thus in creating his script, a child will often attempt to juggle these, example: "It's okay for me to go on living (ignore don't exist) so long as I try hard".

In the next post I will describe a few 'mantras' that you can practice telling yourself to help countering these injunctions and drivers. However, I also recommend seeking a therapist (I am not one of them).

The first transition from Jekyll to Hide

I clearly remember the day. It was the very first day when I was allowed to take the bus and go home alone, instead of one of my parents picking me up after school. The first day when I had my own keys to the apartment. And the first day when I had a friend. I was 12.

She was a cheerful girl, full of life, and suprisingly, she lived only a few blocks away. She was new in class, and for some reason, she sat next to me and started talking to me (it was a new experience for me, but I'll write later about my failures in making friends). When the schoolday ended, she still kept on talking to me, and I was happy. For the first time, I felt hope, hope that someone will be my friend.

She suggested that before taking the bus together and going home, we would walk a few blocks and have ice cream. I was more than happy. Going somewhere, even for a few blocks, on foot, unsupervised by my parents, with a friend, and eating yummy ice cream - it was Heaven. We went there, ate it, and then we went home.

I have stepped into the apartment, head still in the clouds... and what awaited me there was Hell. Pure Hell. The only thing I remember is NM screaming in my face, that they were worried about me because I didn't get home at 4PM when I told them to, but a bit later. That they have already called the police. That they, and especially she has lost all trust in me, forever. That I have done irrevocable damage to our relationship between me and my parents. That they could never ever see me as they did before. That what I have done is unforgivable.

And that the girl, my friend, she has a very bad influence on me, that I just wait and see until she will drag me down to "her level", that she is "no good" for me. That she won't be as a perfectionist in studying as I was. And that I will suffer, unbearably, if I will try to continue being friends with her. That on the very first day, NM already saw that she will be trouble for me.

EF just stood there, and said that he was also worried, and looked a bit angry.

I was confused and sad, beyond imagination. Before that, everything I did was perfect (I guess I was the Golden Child back then). And now, I was the scapegoat. I didn't understand why my first attempts at getting friends and being happy with them infuriated NM so much. I didn't understand why does happiness come with such a price. I felt that I had the obligation to choose. Between my parents' love, and my own happiness.

But I hoped. I still hoped that what NM told about my future with my new friend was not true. That NM would accept our friendship. She constantly cursed my friend behind her back, to me. And I tried to protect her.

After a while my friend got fed up that my NM constantly gave her "the looks". Then she began to mock me, just like all the others in class, for my clothes, my hair. And then she abandoned me, for another. They became friends. She left this other girl after a year also. And the "other girl" and me became close friends for several years. But this is another story. After she abandoned my friendship, I thought that after all everything NM said in the first place was true. That she somehow had the powers to predict the future. That it was a proof that she was perfect in every sense and that she was always right. Obviously after the girl left me, there was never a day, when I didn't hear these from NM. I was 13. Convinced that I should trust no-one. Convinced that NM was God. Convinced that the only friend I would ever need was NM and no-one else.

When I think back on that day, when I went home happy, and instead of getting support and shared happiness, I only got punished, I only received distrust, hate and anger... I still feel that pain.

It was the first day NM openly turned from Jekyll to Hide. Little did I know that there was more of this to come...

Coffee with EF

I love EF. I love talking to him, I love his company. I know he also loves me. I have tons of amazing memories with him together. Memories about talking, being close, generally having a great time, and NM lurking over us, like the Sword of Damocles waiting to strike. She either tortured me or him (only verbally, of course), or she only said her usual poisonous words: "You are plotting something against me." "I know that you both hate me." "I am sure I am not welcome here."

Over decades, NM installed fear in us. The fear of talking to each other when she knows about it, the fear of vengeance and retribution.

I have been planning this for a week. I needed one week to be able to talk to him at all (there was a very ugly incident with NM two weeks ago, and he was there, staying out of it as usual, but that's a different story), and then I have got myself together and proposed having coffee somewhere in town. He accepted it.

As the day approached, I was both extremely happy, and terrified. And I was wondering whether he would be himself (his true identity), or the co-narcissistic self (where he protects NM over everything else and tries to convince me of lying down to her, so that he wouldn't get tortured by her even more).

He was himself. We had a great time together, and talked, just as we always did, when NM wasn't around. When we arrived home (remember, they are my neighbors), he reverted into his co-narcissistic self.

He told me that his situation is quite unbearable with NM, since I haven't visited for weeks, and she is punishing him for it. He tried to convince me that I "have to" be smarter than NM, meaning that I should give in. That I should talk to her "just for a few minutes" (these usually last hours). That I have to this, and have to that.

And finally, I stood up to myself, while knowing that this will result in him being in further pain (and me being in pain because NM is purposefully hurting someone I love, she knows that this is one of my buttons she can push). I have told him, that I am an adult, and there is nothing that I have to do. I can decide to do or not to do things, but I don't have to. I have also told him to stand up for himself. I have explained, that I will not tolerate anything from NM that I find unacceptable. That I am absolutely not willing to be alone with her, even not for one single minute. And I have also emphasized, that if she dares to do anything, ANYTHING to my future children, I will go NC immediately. I told him that as long as she is able to act human, I will contact her also, sometimes.

I have emphasized again that I loved him, I loved talking to him, and wished to keep in touch with him no matter what NM does.

I know, that this wasn't nearly as difficult as standing up to NM will be, but it still exhausted me emotionally. And I am proud of myself now.

Hair issues

My NM was always (and still is) preoccupied with how I look. My clothes, my weight, my hair, my posture, my facial expressions. She always controlled every inch of my body, to project the perfect image of me - to others. If I was less then perfect for her, or - God forgive - had my own ideas or taste about how I wanted to look like, she blew up, and I was showered with hate, disgust and rage.

My NM was always obsessed with my hair - of course when I didn't wear it the way she wanted.
When I did so - back in elementary school, in very weird-looking old fashioned pigtails - I was constantly ridiculed by my classmates, they called me names (you look like a goat), etc. I have always considered myself disgusting when I had to wear my hear the way she wanted. Whenever I tried to let my hair down - I liked it that way, and I had beautiful golden brown hair, she became furious and started pulling my hair, screaming in my face that I looked like a whore. I was still a child. As a result, after that incident, she always pulled my hair back so hard when making my hair (I wasn't allowed to do it on my own), that it hurt even after a day has passed.

Once, my Darling Grandmother (DGM) (father's mother) took me to the hairdresser, and she cut my long hair, to a stylish short one. I was 12. She was screaming at both of us and stopped talking to my grandmother for months, and called her irresponsible.

In college, I have decided to dye my hair. She approved it as long as it was blonde (she dyed hers blonde as well). But I have realized, that I hated that color, and I went for black. And she made my life a living hell, where constant criticism was the best part.

When I have planned to buy my own apartment at the age of 24, she told me that with a hairstyle like that (it was black with red streaks, and everyone loved it on me, even my boss and colleagues), I don't deserve to live in my own apartment. And, as usual, that I looked like a whore, since only whores wear black or red. (she is all fluffy pink, all the time)

Nowadays, when I wear my hair in a ponytail for some reason (weather too hot, etc), and look in the mirror, I am disgusted of myself, and feel like throwing up.

Whenever we meet in person, she always, ALWAYS has to comment on my hair, its color, the way I wear it, and of course with so much hatred, that I start to feel dizzy.

I have tried to explain (I know now, a big NO with NPDs) that I never ever commented on her hair, and I have never tried to persuade her to dye it or wear it in any other way she does, I wouldn't do it even if she asked. But of course, in her case, it is different. She only wants good for me. She only points out the flaws I have that can make my life more difficult, or make me even less acceptable. Or the other way round, that I only do it to make her unhappy. To show her how I don't value and respect her feelings.

It starts

I would like to greet you all here with love.

It was a bit more than a year ago, when I have realized that my mother is a Narcissist. I have escaped from a destructive relationship just before that and was desperate to search for answers, any answer. And - ironically - it was my mother who drew my attention to the term 'narcissism'.

I began to read everything I could get my hands on about Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) and I have realized that my ex-narc boyfriend (EXNB), with whom I have been living together for almost 4 years was a textbook narcissist. It was shocking, frightening, I have to admit that I was terrified to death, but also in some way relieving. I have slowly began to understand what has happened to me during those years. I am sure, I will write more about this also.

And after a few months of being obsessed about learning everything I could about NPD, I have stumbled upon the article that I guess almost all ACON bloggers know now: Characteristics of Narcissistic Mothers. The room started to turn around me, and I have felt that the world I seemed to know was falling into pieces with only a gaping black void to remain. And I have learned that day, that my mother was a malignant narcissist.

I have sent the article to my Enabler Father (EF), whom I have always loved and adored, but who has never protected me from the unbearable verbal assaults that my mother showered me with. He deliberately did not answer. I have brought it up in a conversation with him the next day, and he wooshed the topic away, as if I have told him that I had a faerie dragon living in my closet. And since I still trusted his judgement blindly, I have tried to make myself forget the whole thing. It was less painful anyway, to hide the truth from myself. I was way too an expert in that, anyway.

And slowly, it all creeped back into my mind, I have started reading blogs, and here I am, trying to share my own experiences and thoughts in hope that it might help you. And that you do not feel alone.

I am still in contact with my Family of Origin (FOO), one reason being my cultural background, where family ties are strongly valued. Another reason being that I am their next-door neighbor (which is another 'nice' story).

More to come, soon.

DISCLAIMER

I am not a mental health professional, nor a medical expert. I have my deeply personal experiences regarding NPD, and I am happy to share all that I have read, heard or experienced, to help others who are walking in the same shoes.

I wish to remain anonymous. If you happen to know me IRL, or you think you know me, please do not reveal my identity. I intend my posts to be open and honest, and the only way I can do it is by not using any real names.

Comments whether agreeing or disagreeing are welcome. I am interested in your thoughts, opinions and experiences. However, trolling, inappropriate or rude comments are not welcome and will be deleted.