Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Two questions

EF forced me to call NM yesterday (my assumption is that he was tortured and threatened to convince me to call). She called me the day before but I did not answer, since I figured she would be yelling at me about some nonsense that involved my upcoming birthday.

I absolutely loathe my birthday. I remember having ones that I waited for. When I was little, and got toys as presents, and a cake. But most of them were about me getting some present that I never liked or wanted, and then I had to pay heavily for them. I learned that all presents have a very high price, one that I'm unable to pay. Such as being forced to repeat for months, every day, several times, how happy and grateful I am that I received such a wonderful gift from the best mother in the world, whom I bless and who must be a real angel, my sweet sweet mother. Yes I had to call NM sweet. I feel sick just by writing this down.

So I called her yesterday. She had two question: when we will visit them to celebrate me, and what special food should she cook. I answered 6PM and that I want nothing.

We talked for 1.5 hours. I will miss these hours so much at the end of my life.

She answered that no, we will not visit at 6PM, but at 5.30, since she loves me so much that she wants to see me more. I told her that IF she wants to know when I can visit, she has to accept what I say. If she knows beforehand that only a particular time frame is acceptable for her, she should phrase it in a statement and not a question. She did not even hear me.

Then she went on about how she will cook food A (that is actually both my and DB's favorite, but he mustn't eat it because of some meds he has to take for a while. The food would negate the effects of the medication and might put his health in severe danger. For the same reason, he mustn't consume any alcohol). I told her that as I have mentioned EVERY time I talk to her, he mustn't eat food A. Oh, she never knew that, she says, and sounds genuinely surprised.

I mentioned to her that the last time we had lunch, she made sweets with a lot of alcohol in them and was proud of it. And wanted to give him wine to accompany the meal. Oh, she didn't know that he cannot drink. How wonderful it is that we now talk about it, she says.

I still wonder whether she is that evil or that insane. I vote for both. My best guess is that she literally does not hear what I say.

I literally told her that she was killing DB. She didn't even react. Anything. At all.

She then decided to cook food B, which is acceptable by its components.

NM also kept saying that she really really wanted to see the two of us together. Especially DB. And that we so rarely visit together. I told her legitimate reasons why we are usually not even at home, and when we are, I want to see him, and no one else. And that 'no one else' includes them.

Only when I could finally hang up, I realized that she completely negated both my statements. I wanted no food for my birthday. And I told her that I was to visit at 6 PM. And I was stuck with special food and 5.30. And the main result was that I was cold, unloving, uncaring, distant, whereas she was waiting for me in her warm home with all her motherly love and all the wonders I ever wanted in the whole world.

When I hung up, I was so blind with rage, I thought I could smash something. I was shaking with fury.

When I woke up, I couldn't stop crying. I still can't. I feel like a complete failure.

No matter how hard I tried to stick to what I wanted, I still couldn't. How could she twist things around again, so that I only realize what happened when I'm already in it?

Tuesday, October 30, 2012

NM visits ENGF

ENGF is ill. NM visits him a few days a week, to help him, cook him food, buy him stuff, keep him company, etc.

(Note: ENGF never wants to see or talk to us, and he refuses all invitations. NM is desperate to somehow gain his, or GCU's love, but she always gets ice-cold refusal.)

NM told me about her last visit at ENGF. I don't even remember all the details, but what boiled down to me was that NM did not notice, that ENGF was making a complete fool of her, using her and laughing at her behind her back.

Like sending her out from his apartment to buy some bread for him, then when she goes back to him, he claims that he 'accidentally' forgot to mention that he also needed sour cream flavored chips (that were actually sour cream and onion, just he didn't say that so NM spent like an hour searching for 'sour cream' chips). Then when NM brought back the chips, he started yelling at her that she brought the wrong ones and then was surprised when he realized that she actually managed to buy the right ones despite him misinforming her. Then she announced she had somewhere else to be and that she was leaving, only to hear that he 'accidentally' forgot to mention that he also needed some medicine, from a certain shop, since the one in the other shop was too expensive. He claimed the shop was to the right in the mall. It was to the left, as it turned out, and was closed on that day. So NM bought the medicine in the other shop, for double price, and then listened at ENGF yelling at her for buying it at the wrong place. So as a self-punishment, she offered him that he can have the medicine for free and she was paying for it. Then she also offered to visit him again on all days of the weekend, so that neither NM nor EF will be able to rest at all. EF was surprised to hear that since before this, they agreed to visit him on Wednesday.

I told NM that it was pretty clear that ENGF was using her and abusing her, and that she should have stood up for herself and not let him do that.

NM was first very surprised that I have noticed the abuse, and couldn't say a word. Then she managed to say that she helps him and endures him 'being a little bit difficult' because she wants to set a good example before me so that I don't abandon her when she becomes old. And that if she stood up for herself against ENGF, I would surely abandon her, the way she abandoned her father.

I told her that she should rather worry about showing an example of being a doormat rather than showing a good example of standing up for herself in case of abuse. She was now shocked with surprise and quickly dismissed the subject.

I don't want to end up like her. It's so pathetic.

I ended up dreaming about screaming at NM all night long. (I have never ever screamed at anyone in my whole life). DB woke me up several times at night, because I was tossing and turning and crying. I am so happy that he cares about me even when I sleep.

Monday, October 29, 2012

The kitchen towel

The story of the kitchen towel is a great example of the reoccurring moments of getting a weird 'present' from NM.

We met, and NM became very cheerful, announcing that she intends to give me a kitchen towel as a gift.

(Note: It is difficult to find good kitchen towels. Most of them look nice, but don't absorb water, which I would want to use them for. I have only 2 that can be used for anything other than decoration.)

The kitchen towel she waves in front of me looks like the old-fashioned water-absorbing one, but I get suspicious. So I ask whether it is an old one from her collection of 'good kitchen towels' (which I would really like to have). I then tell her that I don't need another kitchen towel to consume space in my wardrobe, only if it serves its purpose.

NM is surprised. She becomes sad and wants to know why I refuse accepting a gift. I slowly repeat the sentence above.

She gets more confused and then proves me that it in fact does absorb water, by pouring water on a plate and then wiping it. I become even more suspicious.

I sort of blurt out OK and tell her that if that is the case, I do accept it, and think that I might get rid of it anyway.

The punchline: She explains that it must have belonged to someone else who hung it on a clothesline to dry, since she found it in the dirt. The proudly announces that she managed to wash it three times, so it must be clean. And adds, in an I-will-be-deeply-hurt-if-you-reject-my-wonderful-gift voice that of course if I don't trust her washing abilities, I can reject her gift, and she will be very sorry and sad.

Minus points for me: I took the freakin' towel.
Plus point for me: I will give it to the homeless, along with the clothes that she sometimes dumps on me.
To practice: Saying no for 'gifts' like this.

Why didn't it seem this weird when it was actually happening, as it seems now? I mean how disgusting this whole idea is? Giving your child a 'gift' that you actually stole from someone else (I know, it fell off, but still, what if they weren't home and would be looking for it? And now I sort of feel responsible), and it was on the ground, in the dirt, and you want them to use it on your clean dishes that you eat from? This is gross on so many levels.

Thursday, October 25, 2012

I'm back again

I've came back from my long holiday with DB, and it was awesome on so many levels.

One of the levels was, that I've realized, again, that I am capable of living on my own, without NM constantly sniffing my behind, begging and growling for breadcrumbs of attention, like a stray dog. Actually, life is much more enjoyable this way.

As soon as we got back, she tries to put on the same record again. What amazes me is how deeply she is unable to understand, imagine or even hear anything that is outside her mind.

I've become tired of explaining why I don't want to visit them and chit-chat, when I get home from work around 11PM. I simply don't explain and don't go. She invites, or tries to force, or anything related, I ignore.

We have been talking about economy and politics with EF, obviously NM had to bark in with all her negativity. EF escaped as usual and left me there with NM who constantly kept on whining about how the world will continuously get worse, including all the people, and showered us with conspiracy theories and negativity. Instead of trying to reflect on what she said, I asked her suggestions on changing the world's course. It soon turned out that she had absolutely no clue about what she was talking about. Since she did not expect this turn of events (being questioned instead of getting her usual dose of narcissistic supply), she unconsciously started exposing her uncertainty, how she is constantly in a state of 'learnt helplessness' and how alone and bitter she feels in the world, and her life

And I've just realized how much NM wanted to make me like her... I have been living in learned helplessness for so long, it still seems weird when I do something on my own, for myself.

I've bought some books for myself. In my FOO, buying something for yourself, for your own happiness, without asking for anyone's permission for it, without explaining it in detail why you would otherwise die/starve/freeze to death was a sin that was comparable to killing your own family members. It was a scary experience to buy something for myself. But also, a wonderful one.

It is so much easier to see the patterns, when I don't feel emotionally enmeshed with her.

Also, life seems more peaceful.

Keeping the Gestalt prayer in mind helps me.

"I do my thing and you do your thing.
I am not in this world to live up to your expectations,
And you are not in this world to live up to mine.
You are you, and I am I,
and if by chance we find each other, it's beautiful.
If not, it can't be helped."

(Fritz Perls, "Gestalt Therapy Verbatim", 1969)