Another "gift" from EF

Hi all,

I'm currently struggling with severe depression and I can hardly go to work everyday, so my posting abilities are lacking. But at least I'm in therapy.

I still don't understand how can I fall for it every.fcking.time. But really this was the last one, EF is like a Trojan Horse when it comes to gift giving.

He knows that I have a cellphone that is nearly 10 years old and it is almost unusable, and that my job would require using a "modern" cellphone, because I'm starting to have difficulties due to not having one. So he started talking about how useful it would be for me to have a new cellphone. Since the one that has all the functions my work requires would cost around $800, I told him that I was planning saving up for it for several months, and then buying it when I could afford it without tossing myself into financial problems.

Then he started constantly talking about how he would like to help me in any way he could and how he realized that they were not paying attention to my genuine interests and needs when giving me "presents" (the usual narc presents - either something THEY would want, or something that I completely hate or it is visibly some cheap junk that they have been using for years and now have bought something better for themselves, or something that shows how little they know about me). After a few weeks of being all nicey-nice to me and describing how sincerely he wants to help me, he started talking really seriously about him buying me the cellphone as a present for a personal event.

I was honestly surprised and told him that it was a really expensive one that I intended to buy for myself and that I know that they don't have the money right now for that kind of thing (they are like some weird poor version of Ebenezer Scrooge anyway). So we sort of agreed on that I will "help" in with a few dollars, and he and DB will team up and will pay for the rest. I still didn't believe him, but in the end, he took me to the cellphone store and even helped me talking to the cashier (I'm having panic attacks when having to talk to strangers nowadays and it is really debilitating). When it came to paying he asked me, whether I could just pay for it and then he would give me the money together with DB during the celebration party. I said sure, it would be easier anyway if we did not have to juggle several credit cards.

The event celebration came, I thought it would be appropriate to take the cellphone with me to "show it to NM" since I figured she would demand to look at it anyway. She was completely surprised, asked me how I decided to suddenly buy a cellphone, and how much I paid for it (this is SO her) and then she was genuinely shocked when she heard how much I spent on it. Then EF arrived as well, and they gave me my present: two plain white $1 coffee mugs "because you said 8 years ago that you don't have any", some herbs from NM's garden, a 3-inch mini toy(!) frying pan and some booze. I was so dumbfounded that I didn't know what to say.

When I got home, I asked DB about whether EF ever contacted him about the cellphone and he said no. (I didn't talk to him about before because I didn't want to ruin his happiness by letting him know that I know about the "surprise"). It has been more than a week now and EF still haven't contacted me. I guess he realized that he doesn't have the guts to tell NM about the plan, so he threw me into the gutter instead to escape her wrath. What hurts me the most is not that now I don't have money to pay my bills for the month (which I have explicitly told EF and to which he reacted that he was really sad that I even brought up this subject since he was so sincere in his intent about paying for the cellphone). What hurts me the most is that I fell for his trap for the fourth time now. And that up until now, he tricked me into paying for things that were far beyond my paygrade with promises of him "helping" and then suddenly withdrawing at the last moment and NEVER talking about it again, or derailing the conversation with "you know we are very poor right now" (this is how I also "accidentally" bought my current apartment) and me struggling with starvation and begging to people for money for years as a result.

I feel so disappointed and tricked and stupid and gullible. How could have I been so stupid again? I wanted to believe so badly that now that he knows how deeply I am in depression he somehow felt sorry for me for the first time, and that he really wanted to help me. I wanted to believe so badly that he cared after all. He even said that "I know that you would not ever buy something so expensive for yourself, but I also know that it would help you greatly with your work, so let me help you please, I want to give you something you wouldn't think you deserve".

Fuck him.

So now, I have a brand new phone that at least I can work with, and no money to pay for electricity or water. Thanks EF. Again.

DB is there, I will not starve (again), but still. My stupidity hurts like hell.

p.s.: I bet he will turn up after a month or two with a $10 bill in his hand to "contribute". Just watch.

Contradictions

I have been talking to NM about some random stuff, like shopping, and she told me that she hates cashiers since they are always grumpy and rude. I told her that I did not share that experience, because they are always seem nice to me. She then commented that "of course they would be kind to such a good-looking little girl like you" and was winking and making all that sort of meta-communication as if she was implying that the cashiers were certainly all male who were only nice to me because they could ogle me or because they hoped for sexual advances from me.

I told her that this comment was extremely sexist and that I do not welcome it. And as a sidenote, I also told her that by the way, those said cashiers were all elderly ladies. Well, I shouldn't have.

She started screaming at me that I had no right to tell her off as sexist, or any other way, since she was, in fact, talking about elderly lady cashiers to begin with, and no one else, and how rude I was to label her nice elderly ladies as sexist. It didn't bother her at all, that I only mentioned elderly ladies after her first comment. Also, EF seemed to notice no logical fallacies in her reasoning.

I was like WTF, if this isn't gaslighting I don't know what is.

These surely are a crazy bunch of people.

No to abuse

I've talked to EF. Told him that me and DB would not be attending his birthday if NM was there. I offered to invite him to dinner with us to a restaurant of his choice, and give presents to him there. I told him that the abuse I had to endure from NM during every single 'family celebration' was now coming to an end, and that I won't participate in that anymore.

He claimed he did not know about any abuse and that he didn't care about presents anyway, and that he would not celebrate without NM because he didn't want to 'have problems because of that'.

I told him that if that was the truth, I was happy that at least he did not feel as awful as I did for my whole life. And also that whether or not it is true, but what is true is that he never protected me. He didn't refute that.

I said I accepted that and asked if he had any suggestion for celebrating, if not on that day but any other day, but without NM.

We agreed that the three of us could go to a chocolate bar someday.

When I got home from talking to EF, I felt suicidal again, but now I have managed to recognize it as something that I was conditioned to feel whenever I said a firm no against letting NM abuse me. (I still think that it is disgusting and scary that someone could condition their child to this.)

Sometimes I feel like the worst daughter, sometimes I could cry like a baby 'I want my mommyyyyy', sometimes I feel that I'm making the worst mistake of my life, and sometimes I feel brave. I want to cling to the latter.

First step towards creating boundaries and protecting them.

Met NM today accidentally. DB was invited for a snack over at their place. She knew I had somewhere else to be so I was out of the question. He politely turned the invitation down and we went on with our business.

One more step.

Family celebrations and professions

First there was DB's birthday. I reminded my FOO beforehand so that they remember when it was, and I also told them what to buy so that they wouldn't give some crap to him. After we agreed on everything (and we even visited them on that day), they conveniently 'forgot' it, and asked me after several days have passed, about the date of DB's birthday. And of course, NM baked the cake that she knows I hate. What a surprise.

Then, I attended to a family celebration with my FOO. I was quite reluctant to participate at all, but it was supposed to be about me, and I arranged it with DB before, that we would only stay for a short time and then leave.

It was the usual narc get-together. I got presents that I would have never wanted for myself and that did not make me happy at all. NM even told me that she knew what I would have liked to get as a present, but she was not getting it for me, because she 'could not compete with DB in buying those kinds of presents for me anyway'.

The whole event was about NM talking (meaning spitting venom) about a certain subject that she knows nothing about and that she loathes (and that happens to be DB's profession and hobby as well). She kept flooding DB with 'information' and 'knowledge', while saying that well, she knew nothing about the subject, but anyway, she knew 'how these things worked' and that 'it is nothing else but conspiracy and money laundry'. She kept attacking DB and twisting every sentence he said, she kept confronting him with sentences like 'you said A about a subject before and now you say B about a completely different subject, so you have contradicted yourself' - waiting for DB to take the bait.

I'm extremely proud of DB, because he was all the while confident about his expertise and his knowledge, he did not get into meaningless fights with NM, and kept his emotional distance.

After this, he asked me 'what the hell was this all about?' and 'where did she even want to get with all this?', and we did not seem to find any answer. And then we realized: EF brought up the subject in the first place (I don't know his opinion on this field because it was one of the 'forbidden' topics that was never allowed to be talked about in the family, since NM loathed it). He showed interest in it, and it seemed that he was happy that he could finally talk to someone (DB) about it, especially because DB knew so much about it. They had a really great time talking to each other, for a few sentences - and this was when NM interrupted and stole the show for herself.

When we left, NM told us that she hoped that for the next event (EF's birthday is coming soon) we would not 'run away so fast', and that we could have a 'real family event' with spending lot of time together, eating lot of food, etc. (I told them that they should not prepare food for me because we had plans for having dinner at a restaurant afterwards). I was so enraged by this time that I couldn't even answer properly, but I felt like exploding. I walked out of the door, when she ran after me, jumped on me and force-kissed me, while cursing me because I left without kissing her. The whole thing was so disgusting.

So, while still being half-blind from rage, I told DB that I would not attend EF's birthday at all, because I'm not going through this shit again. He was trying to comfort me and telling me that NM did not harm him at all and that he did not take her attacks on his career choice and hobby personally, but I am still enraged. How dare she!

And now, I'm scared out of my mind, because somehow I would have to tell EF that I will not be visiting them on his birthday, nor his celebration of his professional successes that he was looking forward a lot (which would also be an evening with NM and him and nobody else). I know I could offer giving him his presents somewhere else in private (and he would refuse and be extremely offended). It has always been the most important thing in my FOO to attend family events and to act like as if we had any connection to each other whatsoever. Missing any of these is taboo, and postponing it by even one single day (even if it is my birthday) is close to blasphemy.

I feel nothing but disgust. I want to celebrate EF, but I don't want NM anywhere near me. And he does not want to be celebrated without her. I feel stuck.

Relief - guilt

EF has called me, sobbing, telling me that 'Mom has died'.

My first reaction was to rush to the place where he was, to be there, to comfort him.

My heart was thumping as fast as never before, and I've tried to search my soul as quickly as I could to find something inside myself. A feeling, a thought, anything that would have been appropriate. The only thing I've found was...

Relief. Safety. And happiness. And pity for EF.

It took minutes until I've realized that EF was babbling about DGM and not NM.

Suddenly I felt the deepest disappointment rushing through me.

All my thoughts and feelings are gone now. I feel nothing but guilt.

I am the worst person in the world.

Coffee with a spoonful of honesty

I've had my coffee with EF.

Sorry if I will be rambling incoherently.

I was asked about the locks. I said the truth: that they did not work. He did not want to dig into the subject any further.

We talked about NM and that I was not willing to see her more frequently. EF claimed that he did not understand the whys. I asked him whether he felt he could handle my honesty and stay open-minded, because we both know he has a history of walling up inside when being confronted or hearing something that did not fit his view of the world.

He said yes, and I have tried to be as honest to him as possible, while staying in an adult state, focused, calm, loving, warm, firm and persistent. I have managed to stay this way until he left.

He claimed that he believed me, and that I was honest with him, but he did not know anything about all of this. He acted as if I was talking about my repeated encounters with UFOs, but he also tried really hard to be open. What I sensed was that he, for the first time in my life, believed me, despite that he had a completely different reality from mine. I assured him that I loved him and loved talking to him, but I stated that I was intent on focusing on my life, my relationship and my healing, and that being in touch with NM constantly is not an option for me anymore.

His only question was a bit frightened, confused, and completely clueless 'what the hell can I do now with all this?' And he answered it with a 'It seems that there is nothing that I can do'. The 'this' referred to NM and her attitude, behavior and all the related results.

I told him that being a narc is like being an addict, only worse. The first step is admitting that there is a problem, realizing that said problem has overgrown her, and that she needs professional help. I also told him that unlike being an addict, being a narc is mostly incurable (he knows that), and that therapists specialized in treating narcs are really really rare in our region, if not completely nonexistent.

He was completely puzzled when I told him about my life and experiences with NM (well, it wasn't much, you can't really explain narcissism and a lifetime of gaslighting, emotional incest and suffering in a few hours), repeatedly stating that he knew absolutely nothing about all this, although he admitted that he perceived some of my memories as his own, claiming that 'I also disagreed with her actions at that time'.

I told him that he might not have known these on a conscious level - knowing his history of escaping inside his head when anything confrontational happened, but that I also knew that he was enabling NM's actions by not protecting me, or leaving me alone with her. I also told him that the reason why he rarely witnessed anything was that she has always been extremely careful to ensure that she was alone with me when she abused me. That this was the whole point.

He told me how strongly NM wanted not to become like NGM. That she did everything she could to avoid that. I told him that doing the exact opposite of a certain kind of abuse leaded to an equal amount of abuse of a different, but similarly unbearable (or worse) kind. That I considered this tragic, but that this does not change the fact that she should have sought professional help and spend years in therapy before even thinking about having a child.

He left with acting accepting and believing towards me. I also sensed he was sad.

Since I have managed to stay in my adult state, I have also experienced his own blackouts. They were vaguely visible for the naked eye, but I was consciously searching for clues when he would wall up or feel an irresistible desire to run away. I have counted at least three instances: gazing into the distance with dreamy, unfocused eyes for blackouts, and becoming wide-eyed and extremely twitchy when feeling the desire to run.

He claimed that he is now not getting all the abuse that I got (which I tend to believe), but I also think that he does not consciously realize that he is being abused.

I reassured him that there are several people who know what is going on, and that they care about him and me.

He told me one thing about the lock incident: that when NM barged in, neither me, nor DB said hello to her, and that this impoliteness and rudeness made her cry for a whole day. That she was devastated. He also added that he was standing too far from her to hear what was or was not going on (conveniently out of the blast range, I added in my head).

When he left, and I stayed there for a while to pay the bill and gather my thoughts, I had a few really bad moments that included the thoughts of:

• I was killing my father. He would die in a heart attack because I was honest with him.
• I am crazy. The whole thing I told him never was and is not real. I was misinterpreting reality that was that I had a good and loving mother. I was overreacting.
• That now my lies, overreacting and crazyness were killing my father.
• That on my way home, I will certainly meet NM and she will abuse the living soul out of me.
• That I was stupid because I forgot to tell him the most important part: the engulfing, all-consuming, suffocating, you-must-not-have-your-own-identity, love-equals-no-boundaries part. And that because of my miscommunication he will not understand anything. That despite all my efforts, I have failed miserably.

I'm more or less over these now. I have talked to DB who has confirmed my memory that we both said hello to NM. He also reassured me that I was not the crazy one and that this is again one more proof to that. I love that he sees what I see. That he sees gaslighting for what it is.

I am proud of myself for staying in an adult state, for being open and honest, for realizing some more truths. Also for not having high hopes for EF to believe me completely, or for anything to change in my FOO. The change is in me.

Changing locks

I've changed the locks. Of course, my NM and EF just happened to wander around the time I have made it done. NM knocked in and shouted HELLOOO. I bet there will be 'consequences'. They will demand answers and stuff.

I'm so happy with my new locks. I love them. Yay.

Another story from the past weekend (when the books-stuff happened). First, EF cancelled our lunch, sending me a text saying that 'Your mom is gone. I'm cancelling all programs today.' I've called him to ask wtf, he said that she was simply gone, he did not want to talk to anyone. I instantly knew what this was about, but also knew that this was no way over, and we did not receive the 'gift' of not having to visit for Easter.

This was a very theatrical move. NM felt she was not getting enough attention, so she turned into a hysterical diva and stormed out. She has done this before (EF did not remember this, but oh, I do). My guess is, she thought we would visit them for lunch (and not talk to EF), EF would have had to admit that she was gone, we would have all felt guilty and maybe also corner EF for what he must have done to poor NM, or maybe we would have been cornered also, DB would have been there as an outsider witness to tell me and EF how awful we were behaving towards NM, and then she would have come back and we would have been groveling on our knees begging for forgiveness, so that she could trample over all three of us.

LOL. This did not turn out the way she planned.

I told DB that they now will have three options and she will definitely choose one. Either NM will arrive exactly after we have had lunch on our own and demand our visit. Or she would call in the evening to invite us for dinner and behave as nothing had ever happened. Or wait until DB was gone, and bombard me with text messages demanding me to visit without DB.

She chose all three options. She arrived back at noon (I have heard their door lock), invited us cheerfully for dinner (where the book incident happened), and then bombarded me with text messages to visit them for breakfast every weekday after that.

EF called me yesterday with the 'We need to talk' speech. I told him that I will be available for him, in a coffee house, on Wednesday.

I'm considering this as an opportunity for practicing my new skills of resisting NM's demands and EF's suffering and puppy eyes and trying to act as an authoritarian father.

I don't feel fear. What I suppose the topics will be are my new locks, that I do not visit frequently enough, and my general selfishness, me being unloving, inconsiderate, ingrate, and me destroying our family, and they nevertheless missing me and loving me.

I wish I could tell him that though I like talking to him about science, arts, or the-meaning-of-life, I have no respect for him. That I see him as nothing more but NM's puppet. That I know he never hesitated sacrificing me for saving himself from NM's wrath. That their marriage is their own responsibility and I'm not dealing with it anymore. That their emotional state is also their own responsibility. That my responsibility is my own life and nothing else. That I decide who I spend my time with, and as I can handle situations when people I care about decide to no longer be a part of my life, they can also do that, or get professional help. I wish he would not wall up inside the moment I start being honest. I wish he would really hear me.

I know that I have tried a million times. I know, this has failed a million times. So honesty and being open does not work. But I am not willing to keep up a false facade that is not true either. If I play his game by saying 'I'm not discussing this right now' over and over again will not get me anywhere either.

I don't feel fear. I feel a sort of sadness. And I feel stuck. I have stopped wanting them as parent figures in my life. I have realized that it is not and never have been possible. (I guess it is also unwise to tell him this). I just feel the human need of laying down foundations.

I don't even know what my question is.

Two books - one book

I had a book once, from a scholar I really respect. It was a quite rare book, only one edition, with a unique dark blue cover.

I have lost that book (another story), and was very sad.

EF remembered the book, and how I missed it (it was partly his responsibility that I could not get that book back). So I received it as a present for Christmas, it was the same dark blue edition, but he had the author sign it for me. I was very happy. I showed it to DB, and also the author's signature.

We visited my FOO to have breakfast together and celebrate Easter. I was surprised to find a friend of my family there, it was unusual to see someone 'not family' visiting them during the holidays. But I was sort of happy because I was pretty sure that NM would try to act nice as long as anyone else sees her. DB and me got a book as a present for Easter. My book was a book from the scholar I respect. With a unique dark blue cover, signed by the author, for me.

Due to my conditioning, my first reaction was not to show any reaction and to hide that they did something weird or nasty (especially if what they did harmed me in any way). Especially because someone else was also there, their friend. So when they repeatedly asked whether I was happy, I said I was and I tried to act surprised. Even when at home, DB mentioned that he remembers me having something of that 'book series' already, and asked me to search for the other book, I told him that I did not want to look for it right now rather than admitting that something was going on.

I could only manage to tell him after a day has passed, that something was really weird and that I thought I got the same book as a present - twice in a row. (I still consider this as a progress, that I have managed to tell this to him, and not to cover for my FOO).

I asked DB whether I was completely crazy or he also remembered me getting the exact same book earlier as a present. He remembered.

I have checked whether I somehow got two identical books. Nope. No other dark blue book on the shelves.

I don't remember lending them the book I got earlier (that does not really mean anything, I tend to forget things easily, but I don't think I would have given this to them. I value it too much. However, I still have to consider the possibility that I could have 'forgot', the way I sometimes dissociate and 'black out' when NM is mentally torturing me).

1. I wonder whether one of them used the keys they have to my apartment and took the book.
2. Or I completely forgot lending them the book, and then they were either that senile to give the same book as a present to me in 4 months' time,
3. Or they really don't give a damn that much, which is basically the same for me
4. Or they are gaslighting the cr*p out of me (back to option #1)

WTF

Nevertheless, I have called the locksmiths, and I'm getting a new lock on my door.

Second run

I am really proud of myself, because I have managed to go running despite the traumatic phone call with NM that followed my first. And I will go again today. Yay. I'm doing something good for myself without anyone knowing. Just because I want to take care of ME. No one ever told me this can be so awesome.

EF is trying to contact me, yesterday I got a very short info request about a website, which I replied, and some other 'fun' stuff that I did not.

Today I have received an email again. It was very brief, with one question. My translation will be a bit weird in English, but this is how I can best convey the subtle content. 'Maybe we can (phrased as is it possible, but also meaning are we allowed to, or can be interpreted as a very sarcastic and commanding demand, or scolding, depending on the vocal tone) see You Both in the weekend?'

My guess is: he has been appointed as the official Flying Monkey again, to lure me in. Either with kindness, 'strict parental force', or even by displaying suffering that could only end if I was willing to become a doormat and sacrifice myself.

I'm still debating myself what to answer.

What I would really wish to answer is: NO, YOU CAN NOT. We are busy. And after the way NM behaved during her last phone call, I wouldn't visit even if we had the time.

I have told DB that I would like to discuss our answer to this invite before I do anything.

I am really interested in your opinion. (besides installing an axe in their front door, or somewhere else).

Renovation - invasion

We have agreed with EF long ago (5 years) that he would help me do the things in my apartment that I am physically unable to, and that are essential to living as such. He is the archetype of procrastination, and I was so far the "oh well, maybe next time then" - type. So I'm still living with undone stuff.

NM also promised me to help me finish creating a few very necessary things - to which it was a prerequisite to have EF's part finished.

(I would have done these a thousand times without them, but the problem is that the issue is a very special one and they happen to own everything that is required)

At last, EF came over to do at least a part of what he has promised ages ago. He dragged NM along, so that "she can measure what she has to, to finish creating what she started", for me.

I had a few large boxes in a few rooms that had presents for them, and since they were so large, we could not hide them anywhere. We did not want my FOO to see them before their big event either.

So in the meantime, I could not help EF a thing, because I had to babysit NM (to prevent her from opening the boxes), who was talking, whining, and constantly nosing around the rooms, touching everything, asking a tons of questions about each and every piece of furniture, book, decoration, and dust bunny. She was loudly making nasty remarks about EF (how bad he was at doing what he did, how slow he was, how unprofessional he was). And when she was not cursing EF, she was after me, snapping hideous comments here and there, and of course criticizing everything about my apartment, my life, and generally, me.

I feel my progress: I did not black out, I did not even hear most of what NM said, nor cared about them. But I still feel her presence lingering in the rooms.

She could have just did her thing in two minutes, and leave. But no, she had to ruin all. She purposefully separated me from EF and DB, as always, and attempted to get at me. She failed.

I still feel my own safe haven invaded though. I know, that I will have to endure at least one more of this with both NM and EF included. I hate receiving ANYTHING from them. I loathe needing their assistance or help. There is always a price, much higher than what I can, or intend to pay. I hate to be dependent on them.

I have got a very beautiful and rare present from one of my friends. EF offered his help to get me to the meeting point in time, so that she could give it to me before she boarded her plane. He forgot it, of course, I was almost late, and had to take a last minute cab. He arrived after that, apologized and helped me take the present home. Then he made me promise that I would never tell NM that he saw the thing, and that he never saw me, and that I would kindly contact NM to ask her to view my property and to invite him along.

Why the hell does he always want ME to lie for HIM? How pathetic is that, that he has to keep it a secret that he talks to his own daughter? And why the hell would I have to invite NM over to show her that I have got anything?

And yes, they will be in my apartment again to finish what they have started, and I hate it from my gut already.

I feel invaded again on so many levels.

A free weekend

I haven't heard of NM since the last phone-related event. I feel lighter and closer to my own self every passing minute. There is a tangible difference between not having to even think about her for days, and between being constantly bombarded and smothered by her emails, text messages, phone calls, visits, or other attempts at completely occupying my every thought.

Yesterday morning I knew that I would hear of her soon, and that with each passing day that I spend with something else than groveling at her feet will add to the pile of sh*tstorm that she intends to hurl at me as soon as she figures out the cruelest way possible. But I couldn't care less now. She had the chance of saying what she wanted, now she has the chance to contemplate on why I did not return her calls. I bet she will not ever do that though.

She did send her one and only flying monkey though: EF, who sent me a short email including some music (we both love music, whereas NM not really), I guess it was a way of saying hi, and then he added "I hope you are well, kisses". A bit before midnight, when I got home, I sent some music back to him, added that I just got home and as a result was tired, but otherwise nothing special, kisses.

If he only wanted to know whether I was alive, and whether we are okay, he knows now. If he wanted to spy for NM, I will know soon, since there was no useful information for NM in my mail, and she will be furious.

I feel much better without her constantly devouring me.

My therapist and DB have both told me that I am making a huge progress in my reactions to NM's behavior, and now I give myself the pleasure of being proud of myself for getting this far.

I don't have any illusions, she will attack me soon. And I intend to remain myself instead of being dragged back to her psycho-play.

Holidays, phone issues

We have spent Christmas with DB's family due to health issues. The first thing his mother told us, when we told them that we could be either here or there was, that she loves us no matter what, and we do what is best for us now. NM started with accusing us that we didn't spend the holidays there and started guilt tripping.

I have called her that night to wish happy holidays, but she was cold and claimed that she had to spend the holidays completely alone (despite EF standing next to her).

After that, we were there almost every day until New Year's Day.

Yesterday she called me and I didn't want to deal with her (since we met already in the morning), so I didn't pick the phone up. And as it has happened before, in a few hours I became suicidal, and could do nothing more than sit in my room and pray not to kill myself.

Today, EF whammed at me as her best flying monkey, that I was rude and impolite lately, because I didn't call on New Year's Eve, didn't return NM's yesterday, and her text message today at dawn. That I texted her on New Year's Eve, that we spent half day there on New Year's Day, that I spent two hours at their place yesterday did not matter.

Today, I have called NM to ask why she called yesterday. Guess what. I was guilt tripped, emotional blackmailed, she was sobbing, claiming that I was cold as ice, that I was not loving, not kind, that I was commanding her like some policeman, that she can never reach me, that she wants some solution that she could always reach me whenever she wanted to and that she would leave notes on my door if I don't pick up the phone at 7AM. And also asked me whether I use my phone only for them to reach me or whether anyone else knows my number (I didn't even understand this question). I replied that I wanted respect, that I am asleep at night and that I have done nothing else but listen to her in all my life. And that I do not have time for this since I have to work, so either she tells me what she wanted yesterday, or I have to go back to my responsibilities. Of course she didn't tell me, just went on with how inaccessible, unloving and cruel I was. I told her that I had no more time for this, that I had to go and hung up. Not five minutes have passed, and NM has already called me twice.

Again, I'm the evil one.

I'm completely freaked out. This is downright scary, and I have absolutely no idea what to do. I have goosebumps all over and I'm shaking and panicking.

I have this feeling in my gut that she will attempt suicide today.

The worst two dreams

These are the two dreams that are on my top worst dreams list. There was so much gore in them, along with all the sheer panic, helplessness, desperation and fear of death that I felt inside these dreams, that it almost literally scared the living sh*t out of me.

My first worst was, when I was still living with my FOO. After waking up, I have realized that there must be something really, seriously wrong. This was the time when I was an alcoholic, left for college each day around 4AM at dawn to avoid meeting NM, EF was in hospital, I was severely depressed, suicidal, and I had absolutely no hope.

My second dream was approximately a few weeks ago.

Dream #1

I somehow tied NM to a bed, and I was so desperate to end all the pain inside me, that I have decided to end her life. To do that, I started chewing her heart out, with nothing else than my own teeth. It was a very long process, there was way too much blood, and she was screaming. And when I almost got there, I have realized, that there was the rib cage between me and the heart. That besides all her pain, agony and screaming that I have caused for her, and the extrapolated version of what she was feeling, all her pain, and also my emotional pain inside me, being so desperate that I was to do that to my own birth mother, I still cannot get rid of her.

Dream #2

I lived at my FOO again. I went home and found EF tied to a chair, his hands twisted back from his shoulders. I knew that NM did that to him. Without hesitation I freed him. NM came in, and realized that I have freed EF, she started screaming at us, and wanted to kill both of us. EF somehow signaled to me that we have to end this for all, and that I have to drown her in the bathtub. I knew that it was her life, or ours and there was no time for negotiations. So I pushed her into the bathtub that was only half-full with water and held her down. And I was terrified of my actions. EF prepared me that it would take at least an hour to drown, so I must prepare that it will be very long, and if I fail, I will have to start over again. And as he said it, bubbles came up, and formed the words: I really love you Scatha, I genuinely, truly, deeply love you. I knew it was a trick, and that she would lie anything to survive, but still... it resonated so deeply within me that I started crying uncontrollably and released her up. She attacked me again. Realizing that she lied to me, again, I pushed her back, still crying like I have never cried before. Then she transformed into some sort of seed or bean or something, but I still had like half an hour to continue the drowning. I have never felt as guilty as that before, to commit the ultimate sin and to hurt someone that much. EF came in and admitted that the 'World Police' was looking for her and that they want to give me a medal of honor for putting such a threat down. We put her 'seed form' into a glass of water and I still had to hold her down, while EF was driving me to the police station for my celebration. And I still felt worse than ever before.

Both times, when I woke up, I felt so disgusted of myself, I cannot even describe. I truly loathed myself. Side note: while awake, I'm unable to even kill a fly or a spider. I rather help them get out my apartment. Why am I dreaming about such violence then?

If there is hell, these dreams are there. I am still uncontrollably shaking and my stomach is turned upside down. I feel terrified.

Another blow to my insomnia. I have been terrified of going to sleep since I was 16, because of my nightmares. This does not help.

I want a drink so bad. But I am not giving up being sober. No way.

Comments are welcome, as always. Did you ever have dreams like that?

The others

I am practicing the art of honesty, and I feel really embarrassed about what I am going to post now. But please, be honest with me. I am open for advice, criticism, analysis, and well... also compassion :)

I wonder if I am really seriously f***ed up, and whether I intentionally sabotage my chances to any healthy relationship.

I have considered myself completely monogamous and a firm believer in fidelity, marriage for most of my life.

However, there was a point, where I have failed myself and my value system. I have been living with EXNB for four years. We moved together after a few months, and from the day it happened, he stopped talking to me, spending quality time together and having sex with me. Also, he refused all my attempts at getting close to him, or even trying to touch his face. He always had reasons: being tired, the weather, side-effects, depression, problems with work, problems with anything. I have accepted the reasons, but it drained me and my self-esteem in every possible way.

To cut the long story short, I have decided not to sit at home all day long looking at his back playing computer games, and I started to make friends again (I have lost almost all of them because I focused on nothing else but his needs). I got closer to one of the new friends than I should have, and we started to have an affair. Soon after that I have realized that I would not do this to either of them, broke up with EXNB, and went on with the relationship with the friend, then broke up with him also when I have realized that he was unhappy with me and that all I could do anyway was being a sobbing lump of depression 24/7.

After this, I couldn't forgive myself, besides all my friends telling me that after four years of neglect and celibacy I had no one to be faithful to, and thus it was acceptable that I cheated on EXNB even if for a very brief period.

It still haunts me. How I could throw everything that I believed in away just because someone, at last, wanted me.

Since then, I do feel f***ed up. Especially because I feel that I cannot get away from that pattern anymore. When DB and I had problems, I had a huge crush (love?) on one of my friends and when said friend realized he felt the same, he broke all contacts with me. Nothing ever happened between us, but I still miss him like hell, and (I still love him)

I am still in touch with the other friend, who was my boyfriend after EXNB, and I am still not made of stone... meaning that I don't find him unattractive, and that he is not unlovable to me. I know he is still in love with me, after all these years, and it still hurts him that we are not together. And sometimes, memories start flooding me, and I sort of think that I feel the same about him as I used to...

When I look back on my earlier life, I remember that with my boyfriend before EXNB (also for four years, also he was completely unavailable, with a wife and children, feeding me with lies that he wanted to be with me), I also had shorter episodes of having a crush on someone else, but back then, I could control myself.

And I do remember my second boyfriend in my life, who was so innocent and young and inexperienced (I wasn't really that experienced either) that he barely ever kissed me (again, unavailable), and I had a very good friend, who became more than a friend for me, and then disappeared from my life. I didn't feel any regret then, though, which bothers me now.

I start to recognize that there is a pattern here, me being in long relationships with unavailable men, starting to panic when I realize that there is a problem in said relationship, suddenly turning into a femme fatale and then selecting someone to fall head over heels for.

Now, I feel that I simply cannot deal with men who "are there". Like DB. I love him deeply, but still... what the hell should I do with someone who is there for me and loves me? I miss the powerful, napalm-like burning inside myself, the thrill of the "hunt", the uncertainty, the anticipation, the all-engulfing passion and obsession, for someone, whose thoughts and dreams I can completely possess, but whom I cannot really have. Or the secrecy. The thought that I am wanted, truly, deeply wanted by more people.

That one, simple, normal, harmonious, loving, working relationship is very far from enough.

Once, I phrased this feeling as that "I collect souls". I feel the best when more than one men (especially a certain type: who have beautiful souls, thoughts, moral values, are great to talk to, have a sort of underlying attractiveness that is rather deep charisma than beauty, and some hidden but deep pain inside them) are completely obsessed by me. The downside is, that I am unable to "unlove" them or forget them no matter what happens after it.

I feel a deep hunger inside me, that can only be fulfilled by one single person when he holds me really close, entangles me, and constantly showers me with love, affection, desire, and words, loving words.

(A side note, EF, the first "man" in my life had traveled a lot when I was little. I loved him more than anyone, and he was never there. But I could spend all my months, waiting for him, preparing presents, dedicating all my thoughts to him, waiting for the wonderful day of his arrival. One of my theories now is that I am reenacting this in my adult life)

I do NOT want to mess up my relationship with DB. I do love him, and I want to keep him. I want to be normal and faithful and normal. And normal. And I don't want to spend most of my days obsessing about the thought of obsessing about someone obsessing about me.

Am I seriously f***ed up?

(am I a narc, like NM?)

The day when EF almost died

I was at the beginning of my twenties. I lived with my FOO, and had a boyfriend for four years. (I have mentioned him before in one of the posts). NM found out about him at the beginning of our relationship, and my life turned into hell, until I promised to leave him. I secretly dated him for four years. And I finally decided to take control of my life. I sat down with NM and EF and told them that we were still together and intended to stay that way. (A half year later we broke up, but that is totally unrelated. We are still good friends though, both happy in our present relationships.)

In a week, EF was taken into hospital with an unknown but very severe illness and almost died within a day from dehydration. He stayed there for a month (or three? I don't remember). And I remained alone, at home, with NM. He was the only thing between me and EF and now he was gone. He almost never protected me but at least he never hurt me and I loved him. And I still believe that he does love me. I was horrified and scared to death, because I knew the worst hell was coming. And no, I didn't know that the 'worst hell' was way much worse than that.

I learned that EF was dying via phone. NM called me (I was at college which was unfortunately in our city, so I had to live with her). She briefly told me that EF was in the hospital and that he was dying and that it was because of me. And then she hung up. I called her back, and when I managed to talk to her, I asked her where he was. She refused to tell me. I had to beg her for days. She told me that she wouldn't tell me because the reason behind EF's mysterious illness was that I told them I was together with then-boyfriend.

I was devastated. NM kept on talking. She explained to me in detail, that EF admitted to her (before being taken to hospital) that it was my fault that he became ill. That the fact that I was together with then-boyfriend devastated him so much, that he almost died. Then she looked deeply into my eyes, and told me:

"He will die. You killed him. You killed your own father. It is all your fault. It is because you shocked him. You devastated him. You hurt him so much. He did not expect this abhorrent behavior from you. He could not take it to realize that his daughter was such an unimaginably horrible person. To know that you are with then-boyfriend."

I was crying so uncontrollably that I was rather screaming then crying, and was collapsed into a lump on the floor. She shook me up and forced me to stand up. When she ensured that I could not look away from her gaze, she continued.

"If he would survive your murder attempt, do not ever even think of trying to telling this to him. He is such a good man. He wouldn't ever admit that it is all your fault. So don't ask him. He will lie to you and tell you that it is not your fault, because he is so much better than the lowlife you are. He would want to spare you from knowing that he knows how horrible you are. That you wanted to kill him. Your own father."

The next thing I remember was hearing the following from NM:

"I wish Bro was alive. I wish he survived instead of you. At least, if both of you had to be alive, I could say that well, Scatha is irreparably broken and went wrong, she is the black sheep of the family, but at least we have Bro, who is nice and loveable. So I could toss Scatha away and turn towards Bro."

(Note: Bro was aborted before I was born.)

Then she forced me again to look her in the eye and said:

"I wish I wouldn't have to see you all the time, the way you are. I wish I wouldn't have to know day by day that you are like this. I wish you weren't alive. I wish you were dead. I want you to be dead so that I wouldn't have to go all through this."

After a few days, when I was completely broken, she told me where EF was. I could see him but only with NM present, watching my every move.

I don't remember too well, but I think almost half a year have passed until I managed to ask EF in private, whether he thought I was killing him. That I didn't know what to think because NM told me that he wouldn't tell me the truth anyway. He sent me away with a backhand wave telling me that I was stupid and it was not true. And that he didn't ever want to talk about it again.

He has recovered pretty quickly after he got home from the hospital and is now completely cured from that illness.

NM's words still echo in my head.

Two questions

EF forced me to call NM yesterday (my assumption is that he was tortured and threatened to convince me to call). She called me the day before but I did not answer, since I figured she would be yelling at me about some nonsense that involved my upcoming birthday.

I absolutely loathe my birthday. I remember having ones that I waited for. When I was little, and got toys as presents, and a cake. But most of them were about me getting some present that I never liked or wanted, and then I had to pay heavily for them. I learned that all presents have a very high price, one that I'm unable to pay. Such as being forced to repeat for months, every day, several times, how happy and grateful I am that I received such a wonderful gift from the best mother in the world, whom I bless and who must be a real angel, my sweet sweet mother. Yes I had to call NM sweet. I feel sick just by writing this down.

So I called her yesterday. She had two question: when we will visit them to celebrate me, and what special food should she cook. I answered 6PM and that I want nothing.

We talked for 1.5 hours. I will miss these hours so much at the end of my life.

She answered that no, we will not visit at 6PM, but at 5.30, since she loves me so much that she wants to see me more. I told her that IF she wants to know when I can visit, she has to accept what I say. If she knows beforehand that only a particular time frame is acceptable for her, she should phrase it in a statement and not a question. She did not even hear me.

Then she went on about how she will cook food A (that is actually both my and DB's favorite, but he mustn't eat it because of some meds he has to take for a while. The food would negate the effects of the medication and might put his health in severe danger. For the same reason, he mustn't consume any alcohol). I told her that as I have mentioned EVERY time I talk to her, he mustn't eat food A. Oh, she never knew that, she says, and sounds genuinely surprised.

I mentioned to her that the last time we had lunch, she made sweets with a lot of alcohol in them and was proud of it. And wanted to give him wine to accompany the meal. Oh, she didn't know that he cannot drink. How wonderful it is that we now talk about it, she says.

I still wonder whether she is that evil or that insane. I vote for both. My best guess is that she literally does not hear what I say.

I literally told her that she was killing DB. She didn't even react. Anything. At all.

She then decided to cook food B, which is acceptable by its components.

NM also kept saying that she really really wanted to see the two of us together. Especially DB. And that we so rarely visit together. I told her legitimate reasons why we are usually not even at home, and when we are, I want to see him, and no one else. And that 'no one else' includes them.

Only when I could finally hang up, I realized that she completely negated both my statements. I wanted no food for my birthday. And I told her that I was to visit at 6 PM. And I was stuck with special food and 5.30. And the main result was that I was cold, unloving, uncaring, distant, whereas she was waiting for me in her warm home with all her motherly love and all the wonders I ever wanted in the whole world.

When I hung up, I was so blind with rage, I thought I could smash something. I was shaking with fury.

When I woke up, I couldn't stop crying. I still can't. I feel like a complete failure.

No matter how hard I tried to stick to what I wanted, I still couldn't. How could she twist things around again, so that I only realize what happened when I'm already in it?

NM visits ENGF

ENGF is ill. NM visits him a few days a week, to help him, cook him food, buy him stuff, keep him company, etc.

(Note: ENGF never wants to see or talk to us, and he refuses all invitations. NM is desperate to somehow gain his, or GCU's love, but she always gets ice-cold refusal.)

NM told me about her last visit at ENGF. I don't even remember all the details, but what boiled down to me was that NM did not notice, that ENGF was making a complete fool of her, using her and laughing at her behind her back.

Like sending her out from his apartment to buy some bread for him, then when she goes back to him, he claims that he 'accidentally' forgot to mention that he also needed sour cream flavored chips (that were actually sour cream and onion, just he didn't say that so NM spent like an hour searching for 'sour cream' chips). Then when NM brought back the chips, he started yelling at her that she brought the wrong ones and then was surprised when he realized that she actually managed to buy the right ones despite him misinforming her. Then she announced she had somewhere else to be and that she was leaving, only to hear that he 'accidentally' forgot to mention that he also needed some medicine, from a certain shop, since the one in the other shop was too expensive. He claimed the shop was to the right in the mall. It was to the left, as it turned out, and was closed on that day. So NM bought the medicine in the other shop, for double price, and then listened at ENGF yelling at her for buying it at the wrong place. So as a self-punishment, she offered him that he can have the medicine for free and she was paying for it. Then she also offered to visit him again on all days of the weekend, so that neither NM nor EF will be able to rest at all. EF was surprised to hear that since before this, they agreed to visit him on Wednesday.

I told NM that it was pretty clear that ENGF was using her and abusing her, and that she should have stood up for herself and not let him do that.

NM was first very surprised that I have noticed the abuse, and couldn't say a word. Then she managed to say that she helps him and endures him 'being a little bit difficult' because she wants to set a good example before me so that I don't abandon her when she becomes old. And that if she stood up for herself against ENGF, I would surely abandon her, the way she abandoned her father.

I told her that she should rather worry about showing an example of being a doormat rather than showing a good example of standing up for herself in case of abuse. She was now shocked with surprise and quickly dismissed the subject.

I don't want to end up like her. It's so pathetic.

I ended up dreaming about screaming at NM all night long. (I have never ever screamed at anyone in my whole life). DB woke me up several times at night, because I was tossing and turning and crying. I am so happy that he cares about me even when I sleep.

I'm back again

I've came back from my long holiday with DB, and it was awesome on so many levels.

One of the levels was, that I've realized, again, that I am capable of living on my own, without NM constantly sniffing my behind, begging and growling for breadcrumbs of attention, like a stray dog. Actually, life is much more enjoyable this way.

As soon as we got back, she tries to put on the same record again. What amazes me is how deeply she is unable to understand, imagine or even hear anything that is outside her mind.

I've become tired of explaining why I don't want to visit them and chit-chat, when I get home from work around 11PM. I simply don't explain and don't go. She invites, or tries to force, or anything related, I ignore.

We have been talking about economy and politics with EF, obviously NM had to bark in with all her negativity. EF escaped as usual and left me there with NM who constantly kept on whining about how the world will continuously get worse, including all the people, and showered us with conspiracy theories and negativity. Instead of trying to reflect on what she said, I asked her suggestions on changing the world's course. It soon turned out that she had absolutely no clue about what she was talking about. Since she did not expect this turn of events (being questioned instead of getting her usual dose of narcissistic supply), she unconsciously started exposing her uncertainty, how she is constantly in a state of 'learnt helplessness' and how alone and bitter she feels in the world, and her life

And I've just realized how much NM wanted to make me like her... I have been living in learned helplessness for so long, it still seems weird when I do something on my own, for myself.

I've bought some books for myself. In my FOO, buying something for yourself, for your own happiness, without asking for anyone's permission for it, without explaining it in detail why you would otherwise die/starve/freeze to death was a sin that was comparable to killing your own family members. It was a scary experience to buy something for myself. But also, a wonderful one.

It is so much easier to see the patterns, when I don't feel emotionally enmeshed with her.

Also, life seems more peaceful.

Keeping the Gestalt prayer in mind helps me.

"I do my thing and you do your thing.
I am not in this world to live up to your expectations,
And you are not in this world to live up to mine.
You are you, and I am I,
and if by chance we find each other, it's beautiful.
If not, it can't be helped."

(Fritz Perls, "Gestalt Therapy Verbatim", 1969)

Holiday

I will be away on holiday with DB. Only the two of us, without my FOO nearby. It will be two weeks, away from my everyday life.

I've said NO again to NM. She asked me to water their plants while the father of EXNB will be staying at their apartment renovating the kitchen. I told them no. (I made the mistake of explaining the whys though). A few days after this, EF tried to convince me to celebrate a family holiday with them by visiting them in the very same apartment (where father of EXNB still is). I said no, without an explanation. He then expressed his disagreement, and I didn't care. So as a result, NM came over (EF thought it would be too 'embarrassing' for them to come together, since 'how could they tell EXNB's father, that I don't want to see him', so he stayed at home), I gave her the presents and she left. Well, they couldn't force me to meet EXNB's father. I'm happy this way.

I've got my synthetic dreads yesterday and went to my workplace in them today. I thought I would be frowned or laughed at, but I didn't care. And to my surprise, everyone said that I looked beautiful, and they all gathered around me and said that it was cool. Yaaaay! The CEO said that it was 'f***ing awesome and that I should wear them all the time'. Wow.

This is such a new experience to me. To be loved, to be in the centre of attention... just because I am who I am. To receive positive feedback for being me.

It really feels good.

If you haven't tried it before, try it. It is fascinating how powerful it can be if you stop acting like someone whom you think others would accept and like and start being yourself.

When I get back from abroad with DB, I will post again :)

Being a teenager for the first time

The 'teenage' topic popped into my mind when I read Ruth's post Very late teens.

I've only heard about teenagers from NM (speaking about them with disgust and hate), the news, books, Internet, and I've seen some as they were my classmates. But I've never been one of them.

I guess I've skipped being a teenager. As soon as I've grown from a child to a teenager, I was transformed into an adult. I had to parent NM, tend to her every emotional need that she didn't get from her parents before, and fill the shoes of the husband she always wanted me to be. I was forced to be her parents, her brothers and sisters, and her spouse.

I wasn't allowed to have friends, to have my own personality, to make mistakes, to act as young people do, to be careless, to have feelings, to try anything.

I could only be at school, go to my music classes, or be at home, visibly studying (as NM helicoptered over me), and tend to her every unspoken emotional need. I had straight 'A'-s all the time, and it made her envious. I was everything to her, and I was still not enough. I didn't have any friends other than her, and everyone else was hated and pushed away from me. Even EF, my relationship with him made her jealous.

I had the wear the clothes and hairstyle she forced on me, I had to speak the way she allowed me to, I have never been to parties, I have never done anything 'insane' or 'silly', I didn't take risks, I didn't know any modern music bands other than Johann Sebastian Bach and the Beatles. I wasn't allowed to be in love, I was ridiculed instead. I wasn't allowed to learn how to clean the apartment, how to cook, how to mend my clothes, how to shave my legs and armpits, how to wear make-up or polish my nails, how to color my hair. When I found out that everyone in class mocked me because I looked like a yeti, and the boys were whispering how I must be a lesbian because I didn't have any 'girl' traits, I was devastated. I begged her to let me become a woman, and I met rage, hatred and more rage.

I see the little 'teen' relatives around DB, who wear awesome clothes, look like young beautiful women and men, who go to concerts with their friends and go on holiday with their significant others, and I secretly feel envy for the teenage years I never had.

I've started to go to concerts, wear insane clothes and shoes, do my own makeup, dye my hair, play in a 'rock band', etc. at my late twenties.

I'm going to visit my hairdresser next week, and will have awesome crazy colorful synthetic dreadlocks for the next few weeks, while I'm on holiday with DB. And I feel young, for the first time in my life :)