Family celebrations and professions

First there was DB's birthday. I reminded my FOO beforehand so that they remember when it was, and I also told them what to buy so that they wouldn't give some crap to him. After we agreed on everything (and we even visited them on that day), they conveniently 'forgot' it, and asked me after several days have passed, about the date of DB's birthday. And of course, NM baked the cake that she knows I hate. What a surprise.

Then, I attended to a family celebration with my FOO. I was quite reluctant to participate at all, but it was supposed to be about me, and I arranged it with DB before, that we would only stay for a short time and then leave.

It was the usual narc get-together. I got presents that I would have never wanted for myself and that did not make me happy at all. NM even told me that she knew what I would have liked to get as a present, but she was not getting it for me, because she 'could not compete with DB in buying those kinds of presents for me anyway'.

The whole event was about NM talking (meaning spitting venom) about a certain subject that she knows nothing about and that she loathes (and that happens to be DB's profession and hobby as well). She kept flooding DB with 'information' and 'knowledge', while saying that well, she knew nothing about the subject, but anyway, she knew 'how these things worked' and that 'it is nothing else but conspiracy and money laundry'. She kept attacking DB and twisting every sentence he said, she kept confronting him with sentences like 'you said A about a subject before and now you say B about a completely different subject, so you have contradicted yourself' - waiting for DB to take the bait.

I'm extremely proud of DB, because he was all the while confident about his expertise and his knowledge, he did not get into meaningless fights with NM, and kept his emotional distance.

After this, he asked me 'what the hell was this all about?' and 'where did she even want to get with all this?', and we did not seem to find any answer. And then we realized: EF brought up the subject in the first place (I don't know his opinion on this field because it was one of the 'forbidden' topics that was never allowed to be talked about in the family, since NM loathed it). He showed interest in it, and it seemed that he was happy that he could finally talk to someone (DB) about it, especially because DB knew so much about it. They had a really great time talking to each other, for a few sentences - and this was when NM interrupted and stole the show for herself.

When we left, NM told us that she hoped that for the next event (EF's birthday is coming soon) we would not 'run away so fast', and that we could have a 'real family event' with spending lot of time together, eating lot of food, etc. (I told them that they should not prepare food for me because we had plans for having dinner at a restaurant afterwards). I was so enraged by this time that I couldn't even answer properly, but I felt like exploding. I walked out of the door, when she ran after me, jumped on me and force-kissed me, while cursing me because I left without kissing her. The whole thing was so disgusting.

So, while still being half-blind from rage, I told DB that I would not attend EF's birthday at all, because I'm not going through this shit again. He was trying to comfort me and telling me that NM did not harm him at all and that he did not take her attacks on his career choice and hobby personally, but I am still enraged. How dare she!

And now, I'm scared out of my mind, because somehow I would have to tell EF that I will not be visiting them on his birthday, nor his celebration of his professional successes that he was looking forward a lot (which would also be an evening with NM and him and nobody else). I know I could offer giving him his presents somewhere else in private (and he would refuse and be extremely offended). It has always been the most important thing in my FOO to attend family events and to act like as if we had any connection to each other whatsoever. Missing any of these is taboo, and postponing it by even one single day (even if it is my birthday) is close to blasphemy.

I feel nothing but disgust. I want to celebrate EF, but I don't want NM anywhere near me. And he does not want to be celebrated without her. I feel stuck.