Tuesday, August 28, 2012

Half a loaf is better then none for NM

It seems that NM is quite desperate to have someone around who is not EF, at the secluded week-end house.

We have visited them with DB for the birthday of EF. During our visit, she constantly kept asking me questions like:
  • "When will you visit us at our week-end house? You never visit."
  • "When will we talk?" 
  • "Will it ever be possible that you come and spend time with us?"
  • "We never see you."
  • etc
I have informed her that I was standing right in front of her, at their week-end house, talking to her, spending time with her, right now. But she went on with these, like a broken record nevertheless.


So we were invited again for some "big party" (that included historical lectures, culinary treats and concerts all around the city of the week-end house) for the next weekend. I have told NM that I was unavailable, since I was in another city the whole weekend, doing important stuff. Then she turned to DB and started trying to convince him to visit them and "party together" the next weekend, since he wouldn't see me anyway, so why not. He politely avoided answering and later during the week texted her that he was not going (after NM explicitly told me that she definitely expected at least some answer from DB whether he was going or not).

Even more creepy.

I wonder whether this was an attempt to try to turn DB into her "pet boyfriend" as she did so with EXNB (they once went to theater together and were both delighted by the envious looks they got, EXNB often visited NM for a cup of tea, lunch, or just a little chat while I was away working, etc.). I am happy that he didn't go without me.

Thursday, August 16, 2012

Music as emotional amplitude modulator

While growing up, I was forbidden to feel. Anything. If I was happy, I was emotionally trampled into the ground by NM. And she made sure I stayed there. My joy was ridiculed, my interests were laughed at, if I smiled, she mocked me and interrogated me for hours and then rained on me. Hard. If I was sad, she emotionally tortured me until the pain was unbearable. She always knew how to make me feel a lot worse than I initially did.

I developed this numb shell around me. I dread happiness, because I feel that something extremely bad will happen to me as soon as I dare to feel good. And when I am sad, if I'm really sad, I become numb and my mind literally shuts down. I don't feel, I don't think, I don't notice the world around myself, and I am literally unable to move. This was the only way I could survive my teens, when NM had these emotional torture sessions with me that lasted for 5-6 hours each. My therapist told me that it seems, that I revert to my half-one year old self.

I had maniac depression for years during my early twenties. Then another period, that ended almost a year ago now, and I barely survived it. The only thing that kept me from killing myself for almost a decade was listening to music.

I had interesting discussions about the types of music people listen to when they are down. I always felt alone with listening to deeply sad, depressing or disturbing music when I was depressed. Everyone around me listened to cheerful happy music when they were sad. For me, listening to uplifting music when I can barely stop myself from suicide is mere torture.

I never understood why I was so different from anyone else, until I have realized from the discussions on your blogs, that it might be because I was otherwise forbidden to feel. Music was the only way for me to express the feelings I couldn't. To live the feelings that I couldn't display on my face through other people's feelings, through their art.

Somehow I always feel a certain urge to listen to music that pushes my emotional amplitudes way out of the normal borders. And that is the only way I could find to survive, or to be able to function normally. So, if I feel abandoned, I listen to songs about abandonment. If I feel depressed, I listen to songs about depression. If I feel lonely, I listen to songs about loneliness. And it somehow puts everything in the right place in my head after a while. (While can equal to months sometimes, but still...)

Some people even called me a masochist for doing that. But it works for me. Even if the music is triggering, or makes my feelings stronger or more extreme, it soothes me.

I wanted to share a song with you. I have found this artist when we separated with EXNB. I believe that her songs (especially the lyrics) are ones that people with narcissistic parents or partners can deeply understand and relate to:

Unter Null - Broken Heart Cliche

Do you have the same experience/feelings with music? Listening to something that amplifies your feelings rather than listening to something that is the opposite of your feelings?

I have had a very deep connection with music for as long as I can remember. Partly this was an unfulfilled dream for my parents: NM wanted to learn to play some instrument, but since she was the scapegoat and her GC brother didn't have any talents whatsoever, NGM forbade her to do anything like that in order not to upset GCU with her talents. EF has learned to play an instrument, but for some reason he didn't continue his studies.

I was a child prodigy at a very young age, and they decided to take me to music school. I had two lives from kindergarten: the "normal" life - school, and the "music" life - the music studies. For some reason back then I was allowed tp decide what instrument to start to learn playing.

I was otherwise a social outcast. Since I didn't have any time to make friends after school (I had all these extracurricular activities that I chose for myself: playing two instruments, musical theory classes, orchestra, writing, pottery, ballet - I was 9 back then). I had an IQ a lot higher than that of my peers, and I wanted to learn everything in the world. I didn't realize that it also made it impossible to make friends. I didn't know how to do so anyway, and my parents did not warn me that having 7 separate extracurricular classes was somewhat unhealthy.

EF loved music. I grew up on Beatles, Bee Gees, Electric Light Orchesra, ABBA, Deep Purple, Pink Floyd, and a lot others. NM hated music, so it was not allowed around her. This resulted in me and EF growing close to each other, talking about music. And she couldn't participate. Then I slowly developed my very wide own musical taste (ranging from classical music to hardcore industrial noise), and she hated all. I introduced new bands and styles to EF and he loved them. NM claimed that we formed a secret alliance against her and were laughing at her behind her back, plotting evil plans against her.

When I reached the age of 14, I still didn't know how to make friends, and was planning to become a musician. I had to change teachers for personal reasons, and NM, using my emotional turmoil, managed to convince me to go to a "normal" highschool, where I would not become a "dumb musician and could actually make a living". But I continued my music classes along with highschool.

And now here I am, playing in a reknown classical orchestra, and leading my own rock band at my workplace. The meaning of my life. The reason for me to live. My love. My dream come true. My everything.

NM refers to these projects, especially my own, with hatred, disgust and spits venom every time I mention them. EF is proud of me and listens to every song I compose.

And when I play, those are the "true happiness and peace" moments of my life.

Tuesday, August 7, 2012

Not being a proxy and stories of someone I don't know

I have visited my FOO, after they have come home from the week-end house. We had quite a normal chat until the topic of weight came. DB has always been very thin, but now due to some medical issues, he has lost a lot of weight from that, and is now around my weight. NM immediately had to comment that when she met EF, he was 2 pounds less than DB is now. And then went on to explain how fat EF is now, and that he should really lose a lot of weight, and would look much better. And that I have to tell him to lose weight. I told her no. I said it is none of my business. She blew up and started stating that it shows how I not consider myself a part of the family anymore, and that I should comment on EF being fat, if I consider myself a daughter. I stood up, calmly told her that their relationship issues are not mine, and that I am neither a postman, nor a proxy or a firewall, so if they have anything to talk about, they should do it among themselves. And that I did not come to listen to anything like this, and that I was leaving. She started saying something, but EF told her to stop. I started walking towards the door and she shouted after me that I should at least kiss her. I said bye and went home.

I consider this a success.

The next time I've seen them (this morning), she started with telling me that I should really not 'behave that way' as I did when I told her no. And that she was really only asking for my help. I told her, that it is still their issue, not mine, and went to the kitchen. She dropped the subject.

A few normal topics later, she started telling me about the old lady who runs the grocery store in the countryside, and that NM has learned that the old woman sometimes had her grandchildren visit. And that she said that the grandkids were around since the second child was 'too much' for their mother, and that she wasn't able to handle them. And went on explaining how some mothers just simply are unable to take the burden of having children around and how they are not the type who can handle kids (and of course how selfish they must be). That there are moms who are simply not the 'mother types', and who cannot deal with children no matter what they do, because they just cannot focus on anything else than their own interests and 'wanting to have fun'. So thus, the mother in the story ditched her children to a poor grandmother, where the kids were bored to death, because 'there is nothing fun to do at a grocery store anyway', and how awful this was. Obviously, poor grandma was only the victim of the vicious mother, who has abandoned her children because she wanted to have fun.

I have sensed she expected some reaction from me, but I just didn't react. She realized that she couldn't trigger me into saying anything, so she went on throwing words around such as 'mother', 'inappropriate', 'unable', and the like.

There was no rational reason behind her talking about someone she has only seen like four times in her life in such a detailed way. I am absolutely sure that this was one of her usual 'just talking about someone else' meaning that she was talking directly to me, about me.

Got the message, NM wants to take my children, because I will be an inappropriate mother.

No way.

When I left, she literally jumped on me and kissed me, before I could even resist.

Saturday, August 4, 2012

Text message from NM at midnight

I guess this is the other shoe. A hook. I've received this text at midnight(!) while we were spending our last night together (before his travel) with DB.

"We are waiting for you, to spend a 'party weekend' together at the family week-end house! Take the bus and come! Contact us, by all means! :D Kisses"

My FOO knows that DB is leaving today. NM tries to convince me, us, every week that we should go to the week-end house together and spend the weekend there. When we wanted to spend the weekend there, alone, she sabotaged our plans, despite the fact that I had an agreement with EF that we could go, and they wouldn't.

And now, she couldn't even wait for him to leave. I guess she thinks that now DB is 'out of the way', she can lure me in and
  1. prove that he prevents me and NM from seeing each other 
  2. do whatever she wants to do to me, because DB would not be there to intervene, (EF does not intervene, ever) and we would be secluded at a godforsaken place in the countryside (which is really romantic and peaceful and beautiful, without her), with no transportation means other than their car, and a bus that only stops there once a day.

And all these exclamation marks, and the smiley at the end, the imperative voice of the sirens. Even in a text message she can make me feel that I have absolutely no choice but to do what she wants me to.

Another thought was that she sent the message at midnight to purposefully interrupt either us having sex, or our sleep (and DB told her yesterday, that he would be leaving at dawn and would not have enough time to sleep anyway), or whatever we were trying to do with our last moments together.

DB has been thinking about the message all night long, and in the morning, he told me that both the timing and the location are very fishy, and that he is worried about me, that she would want to hurt me. And that I could go if I wanted to, but he doesn't think it would be the best idea.

I tend to agree with him. And still, I hear the voices at the back of my brain (maybe she only wants to have a good time with you, maybe she won't do anything to you, you'll hurt them if you say no, it'll only get worse later if you say no).

Argh! I hate this. I hate this.

Friday, August 3, 2012

Waiting for the other shoe to drop

NM has been acting very nice lately (after those really nasty attacks). I'm prepared.

I have visited her and EF together with DB for a few minutes. She started screaming at EF, so we left them.

DB is going abroad for a bit more than a week. I already have separation anxiety and miss him.

And I still miss my ex-friend. A lot.

I guess I'll lose another friend soon. She is moving abroad, permanently.

Am I losing everyone around me whom I love?

Wednesday, August 1, 2012

Crying openly and shame

A few years ago I have realized that for me, crying in front of someone is one of the most humiliating things I can experience. Even if that someone is a close friend, a therapist, or a boyfriend. I was searching for reasons why, especially because when I rarely found myself in a situation like that, I always got extremely puzzled reactions to my behavior (hiding behind anything I could and holding back tears, sobbing and anything that could reveal that I was crying). Everyone who has seen me like that tried to assure me that there was nothing to be ashamed of, that I was loved, that I was safe, and that I could express my sadness and that there was nothing wrong about that.

Now I'm sort of able to cry in front of DB, but the extreme shame and humiliation inside still persists. And I still start hiding, as the pain (the reason for crying) grows.

My first memories of crying are all the same, and I guess this can be the reason behind my feelings or reactions.

I remember falling, or something happening to one of my favorite toys, bruising myself, or anything like that, that can make a small child (around the age of 2-3) cry. And then I would run to my NM, cuddle up in her lap, crying. First, she would hug me and stroke my hair, for a few minutes, and then I always felt that she became more and more annoyed that I was still crying. And then, she started either telling me jokes or funny stories, or making fun of the whole situation, or acting extremely happy, laughing, and acting like as if nothing has happened, or at least that it wasn't important. And I remember explaining her, that I didn't need jokes, I didn't need being ridiculed or laughed at, that I didn't need invalidation. That I needed comforting, compassion and needed her to make me feel better again. She then explained that she was trying to do that, making me feel better with the means of somehow diverting my thoughts from the event that made me sad. I have tried to tell her a few times that that really did not work for me, because I remembered exactly that I fell, because it hurt. And that I did not need anything else but her comfort, and then I would be OK in a few minutes. And then, she started to make word jokes from the word 'comfort', which is quite easy in my language.

Then I realized, that I had no chance for receiving any comfort from her. And every time I cried, I have tried begging for it nonetheless. And felt more and more humiliated, because I just couldn't 'decide' to stop crying, and I felt that it was an obligation that I could not fulfill.

In my teens, I was forced to cry in front of her, until I learned how not to cry even in the saddest situations. She would sense that I was desperate, that tears were forming in my eyes, and started staring right in my face (if I hid my face, she forced me to look at here), and asking in a mocking and condescending tone, loud enough for everyone around to hear: "Oh my, do I see that you are crying? You ARE crying!

And then everyone would stare at me, and I wished I could just disappear.

And no comfort followed, no validation. Only her fake surprised face, that 1) I was crying at all, and 2) that I was crying over such nonsense as my boyfriend unexpectedly breaking up with me, losing one of my best friends, or failing an exam that was very important for me.

The last two times she saw me crying and the telling me "are you STILL crying? oh my god, you can't be serious, c'mon, get over it already" was
  1. A week after EXNB (I was still madly in love with him) and I have been separated, he moved out of my apartment where we have been living together for 4 years and me learning that he was cheating on me while claiming that he was still deeply in love with me, wanted to marry me and have a family together.
  2. A week after the death of DP, whom I lived together with for 12 years, and who was THE most important and most loved person in my life.

Never, again.