Tuesday, August 28, 2012

Half a loaf is better then none for NM

It seems that NM is quite desperate to have someone around who is not EF, at the secluded week-end house.

We have visited them with DB for the birthday of EF. During our visit, she constantly kept asking me questions like:
  • "When will you visit us at our week-end house? You never visit."
  • "When will we talk?" 
  • "Will it ever be possible that you come and spend time with us?"
  • "We never see you."
  • etc
I have informed her that I was standing right in front of her, at their week-end house, talking to her, spending time with her, right now. But she went on with these, like a broken record nevertheless.


So we were invited again for some "big party" (that included historical lectures, culinary treats and concerts all around the city of the week-end house) for the next weekend. I have told NM that I was unavailable, since I was in another city the whole weekend, doing important stuff. Then she turned to DB and started trying to convince him to visit them and "party together" the next weekend, since he wouldn't see me anyway, so why not. He politely avoided answering and later during the week texted her that he was not going (after NM explicitly told me that she definitely expected at least some answer from DB whether he was going or not).

Even more creepy.

I wonder whether this was an attempt to try to turn DB into her "pet boyfriend" as she did so with EXNB (they once went to theater together and were both delighted by the envious looks they got, EXNB often visited NM for a cup of tea, lunch, or just a little chat while I was away working, etc.). I am happy that he didn't go without me.


  1. Hugs. They don't seem to change their scripts. My NM complains I never see her but 10 minutes after arriving she leaves to run on errands. The craziness seems to never end. Take care. :)

  2. scatha, She's in competition with you-in EVERY way. See the pattern?

    1. I know that she is in constant competition with me for EF (which I never understood, since he is her husband, not mine).

      But this shocks me.

  3. I want to make sure I have the initials all straight: As I understand it, your mother wants to party with your boyfriend while you are out of town on business... and she previously went to the theatre with your ex narcissistic boyfriend and enjoyed "the envious looks" they got. Is that what we are talking about here? Ewww that is so sick. And, it is so like my momster.

    I used to say that my ex husband got my mother in the divorce. Not that he waited for the actual ending of our marriage, to "get" my mother, if you get my drift. I don't know for sure if they actually "slept" together, but my momster did sit on my then-husband's lap right in front of me on my birthday in our home, hugging him and telling him she loved him.

    After that, my husband kept telling me, with a dreamy far-away lustful look in his eyes, that he had always had a "thing" for older women.

    I would rather die than ever sit on my daughter's husband's lap. How can any "mother" be so sick and evil as to do these things with her own daughter's boyfriend or husband, ex or otherwise? Party with him? Go the the theater with him? Brag about getting envious looks while she's out with him? That is beyond narcissistic, that is EVIL.

    This... person.... does not deserve to be called your mother. She does not deserve YOU at all. My heart goes out to you. I know the pain. It's crazy-making, only you aren't crazy, she is.

    1. Yes, Charity, you got it right.

      I remember, since she didn't approve of my first boyfriends, I was extremely happy that she finally wanted to see my EXNB and spend time with him.

      It only became weird for me when it was always him who wanted to visit my parents and not me. And when we could have some private time together, without coworkers or friends, he always wanted to spend that time with my parents rather than with me.

      And now, she's after DB. No way.

      Oh my... your mom sitting on the lap of your husband??!? Ugh. I cannot imagine ever doing this. Yuck.

      You are very strong that you have survived this. I'm sending you comforting vibes.

      Since these topics are taboos, I don't know how widespread this is. But as far as I've heard from the ACoN community, parents trying to get unhealthy attention from their children's spouse, or the children themselves seems to be scarily common.


    2. Thank you for the good vibes and hugs! I could use them, I had dental surgery 2 days ago and now feel feverish, taking an antibiotic but sick and in PAIN.

      Dear Scatha, I am sending good vibes and hugs to you in return. You mother is not a mother.

      I am probably older than your mother, my eldest child is 41, my daughter is 37. I will be seeing her in a couple of days, can't wait, meeting her new husband-to-be for the first time. He is being very good to her, and that means everything to me. I want above all that my grown children be happy and well.

      When my daughter was going through her divorce 9 years ago, my momster called my daughter's number to talk to her, not knowing my daughter had just moved out and filed for divorce. So my momster talked to my daughter's estranged husband, whom she never met, and after hearing his hurt angry tale of woe, i.e. "She left me! How dare she do that!", my momster offered him her sympathy and then she called me and said: "Have you called (my son-in-law) and offered him your emotional support?"

      I said, "No. He already has a mother. My daughter needs me to be HER mother as she goes through this tough time."

      Replied my momster: "Oh. I never thought of that."

      No kidding.

      I am no longer in contact with my elderly momster. These narcissistics get WORSE with age. Last year my newly widowed momster wrote a 62-page hate letter to me, full of lies and crazy twisted one-sided "truths," and she sent copies of that letter to others in the family. 62 handwritten pages of lies and HATE.

      I used to dream of someday having a normal relationship with her. I gave it all I had, tried again and again and again to win her love and approval. It was nothing but a waste of time, and all my efforts did was set me up to be heartbroken again and again.

      If you have a "mother" who wants to party with your boyfriend without you, and who basically "dated" your now-ex Nboyfriend, you have a mother who is scarily like mine. Look into the crystal ball of my life, this is what probably lies ahead. (I say probably because medical science is coming up with amazing things all the time, maybe they will find a drug to cure narcissism? Or a way to do a personality transplant?)

  4. Jeeeez Scatha and Charity, this is unspeakably creepy behavior. Charity, I just read your new post about your momster sitting on ex-hubby's lap and his "drop-by" visits. This is exceptionally creepy behavior on too many levels to even count. Both of you have mothers who are openly jealous of you (mine is more cloaked about it, although plagiarism comes close). There is nothing that will cure a Malignant Narc. Nothing.

    1. Agreed, CS. My momster also did the classic projection thing of accusing me of being after my stepfather. Which was never anywhere in the realm of reality.

      Projection and gaslighting are my momster's specialties.

      Plagiarism by your mother is very weird, too. What, does she figure that because she brought you into the world, anything you produce ultimately came through her? That seems to be my momster's line of thinking: she birthed me, she owns me. Like she wasn't also birthed, as were all the other billions of people populating the planet. Giving birth makes these Narcissistic momsters so freaking special and entitled.

      According to my aunt, who received and read a copy of my momster's 62 page hate letter to me (my hubby got the mail that day so I never saw the letter) - in my momster's insanely long hate letter she complained that I have never asked her to forgive me for being her daughter! And then she magnanimously went on to say that she forgives me, anyway, despite this glaring oversight of mine. She forgives me for, you know, being born.

      I am truly most sincerely sorry for being her daughter, let me assure you.


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