Monday, March 18, 2013

Because ENGF is family

I know that NGM used illness as means to get anything she wanted, and justify all evil she has done. NM is just doing the same. No matter who is ill, she uses it to justify things and to get her way.

I have decided not to visit ENGF, as it was only a means for NM to 1) show off her 'perfect family', to 2) show me a 'good example' of how elderly abusive parents should be taken care of (she is going out of her way in hoping that now ENGF is old and not too healthy, he will finally see the error of his ways and lift NM from being the Scapegoat to becoming the Golden Child which will never happen of course) that I must also follow according to her, if she gets old/ill, and to 3) be able to stay alone with me and abuse me.

I have called ENGF. I asked how he was, we spoke for around 2 minutes.

As I have suspected when I could think clearly after NM's last phone attack, ENGF is coming out of hospital already. No, he did not die. No, he was not on the verge of dieing. He has to take a few pills and he is good to go. As usual, NM was lying again.

To be honest, I don't give a damn about ENGF. He never cared about me. He never loved me. I never got to know him. He was never a 'grandfather' for me, I don't even have a clue what grandparents are. I only saw him a few times during my life, since NM never let me close to her parents (I would have done the same if I was her, they were even more narcs than she is), only under constant supervision.

I only had a sort of 'relationship' with him for like 1-2 years, when I was in college. I was extremely depressed, and we sometimes met for a coffee and talked about mundane stuff. This has abruptly ended when he had a new (heavily abusive) relationship. He has decided not to visit any of us again, and never talked to me after that, only if I called him, and even then, he was purposefully mean to me.

He is also a pathological liar, and gaslighter. I remember when I called to say happy birthday to him. A few weeks after, he was screaming at me in front of my family for not even caring to call him for his birthday (note: he never calls me on mine). EF just told him one thing: 'You know, I was standing right next to you when Scatha called, and I heard her saying happy birthday.' As you have already guessed, ENGF still sticked to his truth, yelling at EF also that he was lieing for my sake, and how ungrateful and inconsiderate I am. Guess where NM learned all this shit.

The only thing I know about ENGF is that he is biologically related to me. That he is the extremely abusive father of NM who still abuses the hell out of her. Who has nothing but expectations towards me, but never gives anything. I feel that he has never loved me. I feel no emotional connection to him. And 'because he is your grandfather' is far from enough for me. Especially because this sentence is supposed to mean 'be a well-behaved doormat, contact him on a weekly basis so that he could twist his knife in your emotional wounds that hurt the most, you must support him in abusing you, because he is your grandfather'.

He (and NM) has a quite extended family (who are either abusive, enmeshed with each other in a very sick way, or rapists) who became flying monkeys whenever I don't fit in with their insane sick enmeshments. So I expect to receive a few calls about me not visiting ENGF in the hospital.

EF sent me an email commanding me to call ENGF. I told him that I have already done so. Lol.

Wednesday, March 13, 2013

Second run

I am really proud of myself, because I have managed to go running despite the traumatic phone call with NM that followed my first. And I will go again today. Yay. I'm doing something good for myself without anyone knowing. Just because I want to take care of ME. No one ever told me this can be so awesome.

EF is trying to contact me, yesterday I got a very short info request about a website, which I replied, and some other 'fun' stuff that I did not.

Today I have received an email again. It was very brief, with one question. My translation will be a bit weird in English, but this is how I can best convey the subtle content. 'Maybe we can (phrased as is it possible, but also meaning are we allowed to, or can be interpreted as a very sarcastic and commanding demand, or scolding, depending on the vocal tone) see You Both in the weekend?'

My guess is: he has been appointed as the official Flying Monkey again, to lure me in. Either with kindness, 'strict parental force', or even by displaying suffering that could only end if I was willing to become a doormat and sacrifice myself.

I'm still debating myself what to answer.

What I would really wish to answer is: NO, YOU CAN NOT. We are busy. And after the way NM behaved during her last phone call, I wouldn't visit even if we had the time.

I have told DB that I would like to discuss our answer to this invite before I do anything.

I am really interested in your opinion. (besides installing an axe in their front door, or somewhere else).

Monday, March 11, 2013

My first run

I have decided to nurture myself and start running. I could not achieve much, and it was more walking than running, but I've still done 1.5 miles as a start. I even liked it. Until NM called me. I did not pick it up, because I did not want her to interrupt my first run ever (but she did already, anyway). She then sent a text message stating, that she already called twice.

I got home, was proud of myself that I could finally get out of my chair and do something for myself, took a good shower, and ordered my favorite 'lowcarb' food to have something for lunch tomorrow, as a little present for myself.

Then the phone rang again. And I have decided to pick it up.

I don't want to go into details, but most of the time NM cursed me for being a very bad person. She was heavily gaslighting, turning around everything I said (and I did not even say more than like 5 sentences). She told me I was crazy and evil, several times. The most triggering part was that this was mostly the reenactment of our phone conversation that I wrote about in The day when EF almost died, only ENGF being the 'protagonist' in hospital. Without the part when she told me I was killing EF. Although she did mentioned, that I would not know if they, NM and EF were dieing, because I was not picking up the phone, so I was basically killing both of them. I have managed to get the name of the hospital from her and 'this might be your last chance to see him alive' as a comment, but nothing else.

I told her that I did not need to be cursed, told how bad a person I was, and other stuff. NM commanded me to bring DB with me so that she could sit us both down and tell us how evil I was and how I cannot continue behaving this way. (I knew she wanted to do something to him, I knew it! My senses were right again!)

She completely negated that I, in fact, visited her, in person, last week. Then when I mentioned it, she did not accept it as a fact, or reality either. Gaslighting as its heaviest.

After I realized, that I was not going to learn anything new about ENGF, I hung up. I suppose her next move would have been sending EF at me as a flying monkey, since she was repeating my words to him, saying something like 'talk to her', but I did not wait for that.

After I hung up, I turned off all lights, and spent the following two hours crawled up into a ball, in the pitch-dark closet, crying. And I dreaded the moment when my food would have showed up at my doorstep and me having to open my door, giving a chance for NM to get to me, if she happened to peek out her front door. I finally got the food, without any interference.

I have talked to DB on the phone, he said I was not the crazy one and that he was sorry. At least he did not think I was crazy.

I have managed to refrain from starting to drink alcohol or smoking a cigarette, or eating what I have ordered instantly.

But I will leave my apartment between 6 and 7AM tomorrow. I feel a very strong urge to run away as far as possible, and going to work early seems the least self-harming option from it all.

I know, that this episode was a very heavy emotional flashback. I'm starting to feel less urge to self-harm, and less fear. I want to get better. I want to heal.

I am still capable of being proud of myself for going out to run today. And I will do it again, no matter how triggering it might be tomorrow.

Pink cupcakes

I have adored the pink cupcakes my FOO makes, since I was very little. ENGF's female relatives were especially awesome at making them, and NM has learned from them how to produce the exact same taste.

If there could be only one type of sweet food in the world, I would vote for my FOO's pink cupcakes.

Last week, I have planned to 'sleep in' a bit, since I was way too exhausted from working until midnight almost every day. Then the doorbell rang at 7AM. When I have realized what has happened, climbed out of my dream, crouched out of my bed and hobbled to the door, the person who has ringed my bell was already gone. So was my dream. I have heard a faint 'clank' which was fairly similar to the sound of NM's front door, so I thought that it was them. I was furious, but managed to sleep a bit more.

A few days after that, NM called. She informed me, that she had 'cupcakes with her', and that she tried to contact me 'several times', so that she could give some to me. Now I was sure that it was her, who woke me up. I did not tell her that I have heard the doorbell, nor that I knew she did not contact me 'several times', but only once. I had no unanswered calls on my phone. She was simply lying. Her next sentence was a question: 'Do I have to put them in a bag and put them in front of your door so that you would get them'?

It was not a question. It was an annoyed imperative. She. Wanted. To. Give. Me. Cupcakes. Period. And she was irritated, that she did not succeed. How fucked up is that? Forcing your 'gift' on someone, no matter if they are sleeping, working, taking  a 'nap' with their DB or anything else.

I told her, that if I have time, I will contact her about the cupcakes. She said hi then, so I hung up. (and I have heard that she still continued talking after she said goodbye, which is also her usual tactic of checking whether I could be held up for another four hours). I did not fall for that.

My problems with this (besides the obvious) are the following:
  • She said 'cupcakes'. Not 'the pink cupcakes you adore', but 'cupcakes'. I think it was a way to make me think that it was the special pink ones, and then presenting me some shitty ordinary cupcakes (that I hate anyway) from the bakery. And then not being responsible for luring me into meeting her, with a lie. And putting all the responsibility on me, to decrypt her vague message, and then bear all the consequences.
  • She knows that one of the things I consider serious is the Great Lent, before Easter. Not because of religious reasons (although it is also there in the background), but mainly because I consider it good for my health both physically and mentally, and because for some reason, this is the time of the year when fasting is the easiest. Since I am not really fond of meat anyway, I usually follow a low-carb, more veggies, more organic food, no sugar diet. She knows it, and she resents me for it. She spits out the word 'diet' like it was equal to kidnapping children. She does everything in her power to make me fail. She wants to be the thinner one, but she never works out, or eats healthy. Cupcakes are nothing but sugar and carbs. I love them, but not now, thanks. This is a clear boundary violation.
  • She also knows, that I have explicitly told both her and EF not to ever ring my doorbell. Several times. This is a clear boundary violation.
  • I hate getting presents from her. They always come with a price. And what I hate more is unwanted food. First, for the abovementioned reason. Second, because there is always a plate accompanying said food, that I have to wash and then return which forecasts one more compulsory contact with her. I do not want to do that. Third, it is a covert communication of 'you cannot even make food for yourself, you depend on me or you die, you are not a real woman because you cannot bake such things for DB but I can bake for him to show who the real woman is here, you are unlovable, you are worthless'. I know this, because I've heard these sentences enough, accompanying food gifts. And I'm not accepting it.
  • I don't want anything that is forced on me. Even if it is the most delicious food on Earth, I do not want it. (and yes, it is difficult to resist even the thought)
  • She knows, that I was working on all weekend (when I should have visited them for the 'cupcakes'). She also knew that DB was away all weekend, also working. Meaning that I was alone and there was no one around to protect or comfort me, if anything went wrong. A huge red flag again.
She called me again, yesterday evening. I did not pick it up. I then fought through a half-hour anxiety attack of what torture might come as a punishment for me not picking up the phone, but then it went away. I guess it would have been about the cupcakes again.

So, no for cupcakes. Even if they were the pink ones.

Tuesday, March 5, 2013

Covert interrogation

I have visited FOO for a short time. I could control the situation quite well, until I was getting ready to leave. I remember standing at the front door, suddenly 'waking up' to openly talking about very private details of my relationship with DB and our current situation. I have no clue how I got there, especially because I was focusing on not to talk about anything personal with NM.

What I remember that she tried to corner me alone a few times while I was there, suddenly asking about how our relationship was going, and I clearly remember ignoring these questions altogether.

How did I get in the position of unvoluntarily spilling the beans? It always happens when I 'black out' (I suppose I am dissociating then).

I know that when I was living with NM, she was never satisfied with her very long and very painful interrogation and torture processes with me, until she knew literally everything about me and my day she was interested in, including all my feelings, thoughts, minor details such as the pencil color I was using, what I ate for lunch, and everything about bowel movements, etc.

I know that I should somehow detect this dissociative phase before it happens, because after I'm in it, I don't even notice until the discussion takes some abhorrent turn that snaps me out of it.

I know that this mechanism was formed by me, at that time when it was a working method for protecting my life and my sanity, but now I do not need it anymore. I just don't know how to get rid of it.

I feel disgusted and embarrassed. I feel angry at myself for being too weak and falling in the same trap again. I feel angry at NM for doing this to me.

Note to self: her tactic is always to isolate me first and then attack. She very rarely does this when there is anyone around.

I have again realized, that I am not alert enough yet to stay alone with her in the same room. I am getting better, but in the end, I still lose the battle sometimes, always when I am alone with her. I don't want that. I don't want to stay alone with her. I wish I could ask DB to never ever leave my side, not even for a second, when NM is around. I'm unsure whether I should 'do this alone' and train myself to endure, or whether it is a reasonable thing to ask.

Another thing I have noticed though, is how badly she wants to see DB. I don't know the motives but I do feel a red flag waving each time she mentions that we should really really visit her together.

Friday, March 1, 2013

Not making everybody's problems go away

Another situation came up, where I had the great chance of make someone's problems go away.

It was an emergency situation, involving hospitals, authorities, and one of my best friends. Friend had psychological issues for a while now (though before last year was one of the strongest and most normal people I have known), and I was helping her whenever I could. In this emergency, my first thought was to jump right in and become the knight in shining armor.

Helping as such would have required devoting my life (including maybe sacrificing my work, my relationship, and everything else for nearly a week) to said friend and taking legal responsibility for friend's descendants.

I have casually mentioned the issue to DB, and his first reaction was one question.

"You do realize, that this is now the dividing line between helping your friend and taking your friend's problems onto you?"

This was all I needed.

Yes, I needed this nudge (and thank God for DB, and his clear mind), but at least, I suddenly saw the situation as it was. It was a problem (although a huge one) of someone else. It was my friend's responsibility to take, and my friend's problem to solve. Not mine. I could show empathy, I could offer supporting words, but I did not have any obligation to give my life up.

I knew that me saying no could have brought more difficulties to my friend. I also felt sorry for the present situation. But I do not feel sorry for saying no.

This help would not have been real help. It would have prevented my friend from experiencing that it was possible to get out of this situation without my help. Without any outside help. To experience inner strength. To learn from mistakes.

I helped my friend by saying no. I helped myself by saying no.

One step forward for me again.