My first run

I have decided to nurture myself and start running. I could not achieve much, and it was more walking than running, but I've still done 1.5 miles as a start. I even liked it. Until NM called me. I did not pick it up, because I did not want her to interrupt my first run ever (but she did already, anyway). She then sent a text message stating, that she already called twice.

I got home, was proud of myself that I could finally get out of my chair and do something for myself, took a good shower, and ordered my favorite 'lowcarb' food to have something for lunch tomorrow, as a little present for myself.

Then the phone rang again. And I have decided to pick it up.

I don't want to go into details, but most of the time NM cursed me for being a very bad person. She was heavily gaslighting, turning around everything I said (and I did not even say more than like 5 sentences). She told me I was crazy and evil, several times. The most triggering part was that this was mostly the reenactment of our phone conversation that I wrote about in The day when EF almost died, only ENGF being the 'protagonist' in hospital. Without the part when she told me I was killing EF. Although she did mentioned, that I would not know if they, NM and EF were dieing, because I was not picking up the phone, so I was basically killing both of them. I have managed to get the name of the hospital from her and 'this might be your last chance to see him alive' as a comment, but nothing else.

I told her that I did not need to be cursed, told how bad a person I was, and other stuff. NM commanded me to bring DB with me so that she could sit us both down and tell us how evil I was and how I cannot continue behaving this way. (I knew she wanted to do something to him, I knew it! My senses were right again!)

She completely negated that I, in fact, visited her, in person, last week. Then when I mentioned it, she did not accept it as a fact, or reality either. Gaslighting as its heaviest.

After I realized, that I was not going to learn anything new about ENGF, I hung up. I suppose her next move would have been sending EF at me as a flying monkey, since she was repeating my words to him, saying something like 'talk to her', but I did not wait for that.

After I hung up, I turned off all lights, and spent the following two hours crawled up into a ball, in the pitch-dark closet, crying. And I dreaded the moment when my food would have showed up at my doorstep and me having to open my door, giving a chance for NM to get to me, if she happened to peek out her front door. I finally got the food, without any interference.

I have talked to DB on the phone, he said I was not the crazy one and that he was sorry. At least he did not think I was crazy.

I have managed to refrain from starting to drink alcohol or smoking a cigarette, or eating what I have ordered instantly.

But I will leave my apartment between 6 and 7AM tomorrow. I feel a very strong urge to run away as far as possible, and going to work early seems the least self-harming option from it all.

I know, that this episode was a very heavy emotional flashback. I'm starting to feel less urge to self-harm, and less fear. I want to get better. I want to heal.

I am still capable of being proud of myself for going out to run today. And I will do it again, no matter how triggering it might be tomorrow.