Monday, March 11, 2013

My first run

I have decided to nurture myself and start running. I could not achieve much, and it was more walking than running, but I've still done 1.5 miles as a start. I even liked it. Until NM called me. I did not pick it up, because I did not want her to interrupt my first run ever (but she did already, anyway). She then sent a text message stating, that she already called twice.

I got home, was proud of myself that I could finally get out of my chair and do something for myself, took a good shower, and ordered my favorite 'lowcarb' food to have something for lunch tomorrow, as a little present for myself.

Then the phone rang again. And I have decided to pick it up.

I don't want to go into details, but most of the time NM cursed me for being a very bad person. She was heavily gaslighting, turning around everything I said (and I did not even say more than like 5 sentences). She told me I was crazy and evil, several times. The most triggering part was that this was mostly the reenactment of our phone conversation that I wrote about in The day when EF almost died, only ENGF being the 'protagonist' in hospital. Without the part when she told me I was killing EF. Although she did mentioned, that I would not know if they, NM and EF were dieing, because I was not picking up the phone, so I was basically killing both of them. I have managed to get the name of the hospital from her and 'this might be your last chance to see him alive' as a comment, but nothing else.

I told her that I did not need to be cursed, told how bad a person I was, and other stuff. NM commanded me to bring DB with me so that she could sit us both down and tell us how evil I was and how I cannot continue behaving this way. (I knew she wanted to do something to him, I knew it! My senses were right again!)

She completely negated that I, in fact, visited her, in person, last week. Then when I mentioned it, she did not accept it as a fact, or reality either. Gaslighting as its heaviest.

After I realized, that I was not going to learn anything new about ENGF, I hung up. I suppose her next move would have been sending EF at me as a flying monkey, since she was repeating my words to him, saying something like 'talk to her', but I did not wait for that.

After I hung up, I turned off all lights, and spent the following two hours crawled up into a ball, in the pitch-dark closet, crying. And I dreaded the moment when my food would have showed up at my doorstep and me having to open my door, giving a chance for NM to get to me, if she happened to peek out her front door. I finally got the food, without any interference.

I have talked to DB on the phone, he said I was not the crazy one and that he was sorry. At least he did not think I was crazy.

I have managed to refrain from starting to drink alcohol or smoking a cigarette, or eating what I have ordered instantly.

But I will leave my apartment between 6 and 7AM tomorrow. I feel a very strong urge to run away as far as possible, and going to work early seems the least self-harming option from it all.

I know, that this episode was a very heavy emotional flashback. I'm starting to feel less urge to self-harm, and less fear. I want to get better. I want to heal.

I am still capable of being proud of myself for going out to run today. And I will do it again, no matter how triggering it might be tomorrow.


  1. Running is one of the few things I do that clears out my mind. It makes me feel more connected with myself. I hope you're able to go out again soon. If you're interested, there are some great training apps out there for smartphones that can help you move from mostly walking to running in a reasonable manner. Or, for kicks, there's one called Zombie Run 5k that has a mini story that goes with the training.

    1. I am definitely interested in them :) the Zombie Run sounds especially cool!

  2. I started running again after over 30 years. I wonder what it is about taking care of ourselves that send a narcissistic into rage. It is a trigger for them, in my opinion. Choosing what is least harmful to yourself is a great first step. One of many you are taking. You can do this. I learned to stop talking to my NM on the phone. I see her once a week then she tells people that I never come to see her. Allowing yourself to cry and feel the hurt allows you to decide if this is where you want to be. Not answering the phone more often will not lessen her rages but will decrease your exposure. Back to the running, I found several online training programs. I had no idea how much is online to help you to take care of your body. Enjoy the run.

  3. Scatha, I think Ruth is right. Whether you answer the phone or not your NM will still find an excuse to rage at you. Regardless of how often or regularly you visit, just as Ruth says, you'll still be wrong.

    In the final months of my "relationship" with my NPs, the harder I tried to please them the angrier and more abusive my NF became. It was as if he wanted to see how just how much crap I could take. I came to believe that with NM's help the plan was to destroy my sanity. Then at least when they told everyone their daughter was mentally ill, for a change, they would have been telling the truth.

    IMO The biggest roadblock to your "recovery" is that you live in such close proximity to your parents.

    1. Yes, I consider living too close a definite roadblock. I am currently in a financial situation so that I cannot move, but in a few years, I will have the opportunity to do so.

      I still sometimes argue within myself about which option would be best. I really love my apartment, it is at a very good location in every sense (except NM living close). Our former 'agreement' with my FOO was that they would move to the countryside when they are retired. If I would give up my home, I would feel like abandoning something I love and cowardly running away instead of standing up for it and defending it.

      Other times, I just want to get to the other end of the world without letting them know my address.

      I am absolutely sure that NM wants me to go crazy. Hence her constantly repeating that I am crazy, and the massive gaslighting and flipping of reality.

  4. Good gawd, Scatha! IF ONLY we COULD "kill them" by not answering the phone!!! Sigh. We can still dream, right? ;)
    I'm still waiting for the weather to clear up to start walking again. It does feel so good to get out and actually use our bodies, eh? Enjoy! Once you establish a time frame to leave, wanna bet your bat-shit crazy "mother" is gonna ambush you the second you step out the door? No warm ups/stretches-start running as soon as she's in front of you!


Comments are welcome!