I have visited FOO for a short time. I could control the situation quite well, until I was getting ready to leave. I remember standing at the front door, suddenly 'waking up' to openly talking about very private details of my relationship with DB and our current situation. I have no clue how I got there, especially because I was focusing on not to talk about anything personal with NM.
What I remember that she tried to corner me alone a few times while I was there, suddenly asking about how our relationship was going, and I clearly remember ignoring these questions altogether.
How did I get in the position of unvoluntarily spilling the beans? It always happens when I 'black out' (I suppose I am dissociating then).
I know that when I was living with NM, she was never satisfied with her very long and very painful interrogation and torture processes with me, until she knew literally everything about me and my day she was interested in, including all my feelings, thoughts, minor details such as the pencil color I was using, what I ate for lunch, and everything about bowel movements, etc.
I know that I should somehow detect this dissociative phase before it happens, because after I'm in it, I don't even notice until the discussion takes some abhorrent turn that snaps me out of it.
I know that this mechanism was formed by me, at that time when it was a working method for protecting my life and my sanity, but now I do not need it anymore. I just don't know how to get rid of it.
I feel disgusted and embarrassed. I feel angry at myself for being too weak and falling in the same trap again. I feel angry at NM for doing this to me.
Note to self: her tactic is always to isolate me first and then attack. She very rarely does this when there is anyone around.
I have again realized, that I am not alert enough yet to stay alone with her in the same room. I am getting better, but in the end, I still lose the battle sometimes, always when I am alone with her. I don't want that. I don't want to stay alone with her. I wish I could ask DB to never ever leave my side, not even for a second, when NM is around. I'm unsure whether I should 'do this alone' and train myself to endure, or whether it is a reasonable thing to ask.
Another thing I have noticed though, is how badly she wants to see DB. I don't
know the motives but I do feel a red flag waving each time she mentions
that we should really really visit her together.