Monday, March 11, 2013

Pink cupcakes

I have adored the pink cupcakes my FOO makes, since I was very little. ENGF's female relatives were especially awesome at making them, and NM has learned from them how to produce the exact same taste.

If there could be only one type of sweet food in the world, I would vote for my FOO's pink cupcakes.

Last week, I have planned to 'sleep in' a bit, since I was way too exhausted from working until midnight almost every day. Then the doorbell rang at 7AM. When I have realized what has happened, climbed out of my dream, crouched out of my bed and hobbled to the door, the person who has ringed my bell was already gone. So was my dream. I have heard a faint 'clank' which was fairly similar to the sound of NM's front door, so I thought that it was them. I was furious, but managed to sleep a bit more.

A few days after that, NM called. She informed me, that she had 'cupcakes with her', and that she tried to contact me 'several times', so that she could give some to me. Now I was sure that it was her, who woke me up. I did not tell her that I have heard the doorbell, nor that I knew she did not contact me 'several times', but only once. I had no unanswered calls on my phone. She was simply lying. Her next sentence was a question: 'Do I have to put them in a bag and put them in front of your door so that you would get them'?

It was not a question. It was an annoyed imperative. She. Wanted. To. Give. Me. Cupcakes. Period. And she was irritated, that she did not succeed. How fucked up is that? Forcing your 'gift' on someone, no matter if they are sleeping, working, taking  a 'nap' with their DB or anything else.

I told her, that if I have time, I will contact her about the cupcakes. She said hi then, so I hung up. (and I have heard that she still continued talking after she said goodbye, which is also her usual tactic of checking whether I could be held up for another four hours). I did not fall for that.

My problems with this (besides the obvious) are the following:
  • She said 'cupcakes'. Not 'the pink cupcakes you adore', but 'cupcakes'. I think it was a way to make me think that it was the special pink ones, and then presenting me some shitty ordinary cupcakes (that I hate anyway) from the bakery. And then not being responsible for luring me into meeting her, with a lie. And putting all the responsibility on me, to decrypt her vague message, and then bear all the consequences.
  • She knows that one of the things I consider serious is the Great Lent, before Easter. Not because of religious reasons (although it is also there in the background), but mainly because I consider it good for my health both physically and mentally, and because for some reason, this is the time of the year when fasting is the easiest. Since I am not really fond of meat anyway, I usually follow a low-carb, more veggies, more organic food, no sugar diet. She knows it, and she resents me for it. She spits out the word 'diet' like it was equal to kidnapping children. She does everything in her power to make me fail. She wants to be the thinner one, but she never works out, or eats healthy. Cupcakes are nothing but sugar and carbs. I love them, but not now, thanks. This is a clear boundary violation.
  • She also knows, that I have explicitly told both her and EF not to ever ring my doorbell. Several times. This is a clear boundary violation.
  • I hate getting presents from her. They always come with a price. And what I hate more is unwanted food. First, for the abovementioned reason. Second, because there is always a plate accompanying said food, that I have to wash and then return which forecasts one more compulsory contact with her. I do not want to do that. Third, it is a covert communication of 'you cannot even make food for yourself, you depend on me or you die, you are not a real woman because you cannot bake such things for DB but I can bake for him to show who the real woman is here, you are unlovable, you are worthless'. I know this, because I've heard these sentences enough, accompanying food gifts. And I'm not accepting it.
  • I don't want anything that is forced on me. Even if it is the most delicious food on Earth, I do not want it. (and yes, it is difficult to resist even the thought)
  • She knows, that I was working on all weekend (when I should have visited them for the 'cupcakes'). She also knew that DB was away all weekend, also working. Meaning that I was alone and there was no one around to protect or comfort me, if anything went wrong. A huge red flag again.
She called me again, yesterday evening. I did not pick it up. I then fought through a half-hour anxiety attack of what torture might come as a punishment for me not picking up the phone, but then it went away. I guess it would have been about the cupcakes again.

So, no for cupcakes. Even if they were the pink ones.


  1. I hate when NM and EF sabotage me with food! It's always something I like. Then they turn around and tell me I need to lose weight. Wait... What? They give me food. Expect gratitude. Want to watch me eat it. (Wow, that's the first time the creepiness factor really hit me.) Then complain about my weight. And it's my fault for being fat. Which it is, but I can honestly state that they started it. I'm learning to end it. Good for you for taking care of you!

    1. I had the same experience with the process with NM.

      Giving me food.
      Expecting gratitude.
      Wanting to watch me eat it
      Wanting me to request more and eat it again.
      Expecting gratitude and praising of the food.
      Telling everyone 'well, she is... well you see she is a bit fat (disgusted-condescending face)'
      Collecting compliments on perfect shape and how she is more beautiful than me
      In the same sentence triangulating others into telling me how I'm not eating enough and that they worry that I do not love NM enough because I don't eat the food she prepares. 'Is it not tasty? Isn't it Scatha's favorite food? Does Scatha want mommy feel sad? See how much mommy has worked with said food. See how much she loves Scatha for cooking food for her.'
      Guilting me when others are not there, that 'it is the greatest shame that if others ask, NM will have to tell them that Scatha does not want the food NM cooks for her'.
      And then the ultimate, which really really creeped me out: "Scatha, why don't you let me, the mother, feed my own baby, nourish my own baby, give food to my baby?"

      I don't know whether you have also experienced it, but I've heard it from other ACONs (and have experienced it myself for a while) that since Nparents condition us to equate being guilted and annoyed to death with not eating, and at least giving us some peace when eating a lot more than healthyy - we tend to associate eating with being calm. Or substitute eating with smoking, alcohol, or other substances that are consumed orally.

  2. With my NPs food was either a club or an enticement. Either way, I paid dearly.

    Never had to worry about unwanted phone calls because it is a child's responsibility/obligation to contact THEM. Back in the day, when I DID phone I'd be chastised for not calling often enough and NM would try to make me feel guilty by telling me how worried she'd been because they hadn't heard from me. Finally, I told the old girl she should get a phone like mine that worked both ways!

    You've come a long way Scatha!


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