Tuesday, February 26, 2013

Making everybody's problems go away

I think this could have been the motto or the perfect description of the reason of my existence for as long as I can remember.

I still have the disease of "perfection" as one of my favorite bloggers calls it. I constantly feel the urge of "fixing" everyone's problems, lives, whatevers. Even when I have absolutely nothing to do with them.

It's so difficult to distinguish between "my problems" and "their problems" since I was never taught the difference. "Their problems" were always "my problems" in a very internal way. If anyone near me was sad, angry, frustrated, or felt any negative feelings besides utter bliss, it was instantly interpreted as my fault. Either because I caused it by not wearing what NM wanted me to, by not pretending to be happy enough to participate in an event I did not want to, or by not showing gratitude after months for a present that clearly showed how NM did not know me. Or, because there was another cause for the person's unhappiness, but nevertheless, I have become magically appointed as the only one who could fix it.

This way, I was suddenly responsible for being for NM a devoted, loving and accepting father and a mother whom she never had, a devoted, loving, passionate and supportive husband who was always on business trips, a cheerful, fun, loving and supportive friend, whom she never had, and all other people that she needed at the moment. And at the same time, providing this be-whom-I-want-you-to-be service to everyone else who happened to be around. Switching between alternate selves, if that was required.

I still don't know how to say no to other people's desires, even if we are not even really connected. When I somehow still have the strength to do so (and it takes a LOT of strength to deny someone something, at least for me), I feel desperate. I feel that I have failed the other person. That I, myself, willingly have caused pain. That I am now responsible for making it right.

The original recipe was getting an unrealistic request, saying yes and hoping that the other person will not realize that I was not doing the thing they asked. This, of course, never really worked, but it at least bought me some time.
If it was inevitable, the other method was saying no, then instantly regretting it, saying yes, then yes again a thousand times, and going out of my way to make amends for saying no in the first place. This is who I do not want to be anymore.

I am now in a situation, where I had to say no to a person, to whom I am not really close to, but whom I still like a lot, about a project we both really care about. I know it is reasonable and logical to say no, and that it would have caused me a lot of extra work, difficulties with no real benefits to say yes. I still feel very sad, and helpless. My instincts still tell me to say yes. I have almost failed to resist, but I'm still sticking to my decision.

I want to be able to differentiate between my problems and other people's problems. Dealing with mine, and letting them deal with theirs.

I hate being conditioned as a very eager and willing doormat. I want to be me, whoever that is. I want to get to know the real me.

I hope this will get easier in time. Now, it is really difficult.

I have not talked to NM for a week now. I'm getting more and more balanced again.

Tuesday, February 19, 2013

Renovation - invasion

We have agreed with EF long ago (5 years) that he would help me do the things in my apartment that I am physically unable to, and that are essential to living as such. He is the archetype of procrastination, and I was so far the "oh well, maybe next time then" - type. So I'm still living with undone stuff.

NM also promised me to help me finish creating a few very necessary things - to which it was a prerequisite to have EF's part finished.

(I would have done these a thousand times without them, but the problem is that the issue is a very special one and they happen to own everything that is required)

At last, EF came over to do at least a part of what he has promised ages ago. He dragged NM along, so that "she can measure what she has to, to finish creating what she started", for me.

I had a few large boxes in a few rooms that had presents for them, and since they were so large, we could not hide them anywhere. We did not want my FOO to see them before their big event either.

So in the meantime, I could not help EF a thing, because I had to babysit NM (to prevent her from opening the boxes), who was talking, whining, and constantly nosing around the rooms, touching everything, asking a tons of questions about each and every piece of furniture, book, decoration, and dust bunny. She was loudly making nasty remarks about EF (how bad he was at doing what he did, how slow he was, how unprofessional he was). And when she was not cursing EF, she was after me, snapping hideous comments here and there, and of course criticizing everything about my apartment, my life, and generally, me.

I feel my progress: I did not black out, I did not even hear most of what NM said, nor cared about them. But I still feel her presence lingering in the rooms.

She could have just did her thing in two minutes, and leave. But no, she had to ruin all. She purposefully separated me from EF and DB, as always, and attempted to get at me. She failed.

I still feel my own safe haven invaded though. I know, that I will have to endure at least one more of this with both NM and EF included. I hate receiving ANYTHING from them. I loathe needing their assistance or help. There is always a price, much higher than what I can, or intend to pay. I hate to be dependent on them.

I have got a very beautiful and rare present from one of my friends. EF offered his help to get me to the meeting point in time, so that she could give it to me before she boarded her plane. He forgot it, of course, I was almost late, and had to take a last minute cab. He arrived after that, apologized and helped me take the present home. Then he made me promise that I would never tell NM that he saw the thing, and that he never saw me, and that I would kindly contact NM to ask her to view my property and to invite him along.

Why the hell does he always want ME to lie for HIM? How pathetic is that, that he has to keep it a secret that he talks to his own daughter? And why the hell would I have to invite NM over to show her that I have got anything?

And yes, they will be in my apartment again to finish what they have started, and I hate it from my gut already.

I feel invaded again on so many levels.

Wednesday, February 6, 2013

Calm or the storm

So far, everything is ok. I rarely see or talk to NM, and I'm happy this way. I wonder how long I can go on like this before the sh*tstorm comes. Anyway, I'm calmer, happier and more content in general. It feels good. I'm still constantly looking over my shoulders in anticipation of something coming from my FOO's direction.

I'm starting to realize, that my life has never been calm at all. I had always lived with trying to survive turbulent emotions, either on one extreme or the other: Heaven or Hell. It was a constant mixture of yearning for the unreachable, waiting for another thrill-dose of a few hours spent with an unavailable love interest, then forcing myself to show no emotions at all when I got home to my FOO. Then withstanding another hell-on-earth session with NM while forcing myself not to show any emotions. Then spending the rest of the night doing anything that helped me avoiding killing myself. Either drinking, smoking, music, reading, computer. Then waking up crying from horrible nightmares, and realizing that they were still better than my life.

I don't know what to do with calm. I have my tools for surviving the extremes. I know how to survive hatred, unacceptance, accusations, gaslighting, emotional blackmail, threats. I know how to survive being unloved, rejected, tossed aside. I know how to survive being engulfed. I know how to survive being the third one in a relationship; being in a relationship where I am constantly cheated on; living with a full-blown narc spouse; falling madly in love with people whom I not in a relationship with, while having someone waiting for me at home.

Normal. Ordinary. Calm. What the hell am I supposed to do with this?

I have never done drugs thanks God, but I feel like as if I was constantly in need of my daily fix. That is, the emotional rollercoaster. I constantly feel the urge to do something insane, to wreak havoc on my own life, to keep others falling in love with me, to deal with my art projects until dawn, to stay out until dawn, to party, to talk to people and change the world, to be bad.

And if I don't keep myself constantly on very strong and conflicting emotions, I feel like I'm exploding, or falling apart.

For so long, I wanted nothing else but to have a calm, ordinary, normal life, with someone who loves me and whom I love, to go home and cook lunch, to do happy things together, to get married, have children, and live happily ever after.

Now, I don't have a freaking clue.

The only time I really feel alive is when I'm extremely energetic, full with life, madly in love with DB, while also madly in love with at least one someone else, severely depressed, feel completely alone, and extremely tired. All at the same time.