A narc ghost of the past

I have run into my EXNB's photos by accident. We have been living together for years, and I was madly, insanely in love with him, and I was completely addicted to him. For me, he was my personal drug. He was THE love of my life. It was me, who ended the relationship, while I was still deeply in love with him. It took all my strength, it took my sanity, and it almost took my life.

(I slept at my FOO's place after he left, since I thought I would find support and family and the like there. All I got was teaching NM that no boyfriend meant me living with her again (I could bang my head in the wall all day long for this). And all I got as 'comfort' was getting told a few days later by her to 'get over it already' because my sadness annoyed her)

And back then, I didn't even know that he was a narc (or that NM was a narc).

After a few days he left, I begged on my knees for him to come back to me. It lasted for a few months more.

When I found out that he was a full-blown narc, who consciously hunted me down and made me his brainless, dribbling slave, who gaslighted the living cr*p out of me and who almost drove me insane, we were already separated, because he has kicked my ass out with some vague lie of 'needing some time apart'. (yeah, he already had a new victim to pursue, and I was in his way).

I spent my days and nights with reading about narcissism, and the whole puzzle just got solved. And I decided to run like hell and never to look back and never ever to see him or talk to him or even think about him. I knew that if I ever did that, I would be on my knees before him again without thinking, and that I would be the happiest person in the world to sacrifice myself for someone who didn't even exist in the first place. He just replicated me and wore my personality as a Scatha-coat to make me believe that he was just like me. That we were like twins in heart and soul. (I realized that when he started wearing the skin of his new victim who was nothing like me, and he turned into her in an instant. It was horrifying to watch).

So I made my vows of abstinence, which he sensed (he always did) and called in the first second I was sober from my delirium with him. He told me the exact words I ever wanted to hear in my life. I didn't have the strength to say no, but I told him that I would contact him when I had the time. I never did.

Last week, I accidentally bumped into some photos of him circling around his newest prey (it was completely by accident, I expected puppy photos in the puppy photo album of this woman on FB, and ended up seeing his face). It completely threw me off balance. He still has this unique otherworldly beauty that no woman can resist (not even NM, but that's another story, she always loved to try to take my boyfriends away from me). I guess the reason why he looks so handsome and forever young is that he sucks the living soul out of everyone he lays his eyes on, like a real life vampire.

It hurt like hell. And I needed all my strength to resist contacting him or at least stalking him. I miss him madly. Well, not him, he never was and never will be. I miss the image that he wore around me. I miss the feverish love, the addiction, the high, the infatuation, the madness, that neverending thirst, and the knowledge that the love of the most perfect being on Earth is mine. And then I realized that these were not my own feelings, but automatic reactions to the trigger of seeing him, and echoes of memories. I am not like this anymore.

And this whole sh*t has never ever existed.

What I've realized now are the following:

• I am done with illusions and lies. I am not interested in having any relationship with projected images. I want someone who is real and human
• I am a f*cking superhero for getting out of this sh*t on my own and staying out of it.
• I never ever ever want to be back in that situation again. I choose love over addiction. I choose honesty over gaslighting and mind-tricks. I choose healthy over crazy. I choose me over abuse.
• I'm proud of myself, and it feels SO F*CKING GOOD to be me.

No to abuse

I've talked to EF. Told him that me and DB would not be attending his birthday if NM was there. I offered to invite him to dinner with us to a restaurant of his choice, and give presents to him there. I told him that the abuse I had to endure from NM during every single 'family celebration' was now coming to an end, and that I won't participate in that anymore.

He claimed he did not know about any abuse and that he didn't care about presents anyway, and that he would not celebrate without NM because he didn't want to 'have problems because of that'.

I told him that if that was the truth, I was happy that at least he did not feel as awful as I did for my whole life. And also that whether or not it is true, but what is true is that he never protected me. He didn't refute that.

I said I accepted that and asked if he had any suggestion for celebrating, if not on that day but any other day, but without NM.

We agreed that the three of us could go to a chocolate bar someday.

When I got home from talking to EF, I felt suicidal again, but now I have managed to recognize it as something that I was conditioned to feel whenever I said a firm no against letting NM abuse me. (I still think that it is disgusting and scary that someone could condition their child to this.)

Sometimes I feel like the worst daughter, sometimes I could cry like a baby 'I want my mommyyyyy', sometimes I feel that I'm making the worst mistake of my life, and sometimes I feel brave. I want to cling to the latter.

First step towards creating boundaries and protecting them.

Met NM today accidentally. DB was invited for a snack over at their place. She knew I had somewhere else to be so I was out of the question. He politely turned the invitation down and we went on with our business.

One more step.

Drama opportunities

We travelled to the place where the funeral was to happen. It was quite a long trip. My FOO and I have stayed with DGM's husband for a few days, to help out and to keep him company. DB couldn't attend, but I knew this was the case.

So I was prepared to spend days locked up together with NM and EF. The only reason why I chose this because I was doing this for DGM, and because I wanted to test how firm my new boundaries were.

I also knew that these sad events would be like an amusement park for NM. All the sadness, all the drama, and all these grandiose events that she could twist and turn so that she would be the star.

I managed to watch her from an emotional distance, and from this angle, what she does is really pathetic and ridiculous. It was sometimes infuriating and disgusting too, but I just didn't care. All I cared about was DGM and her widowed husband.

And yes, NM has tried to stab through my boundaries, she tried everything that she could think of. And she failed.

For her, drama was everywhere, and she did everything she could to turn all eyes and all attention on here. (sarcastic remarks from me in brackets)

• The means of travel we used was too uncomfortable for her.
• She had to sit next to people. Whoah.
• She could not get free spirits or wine to drink, to calm her down (since this whole thing was soooo stressful for her)
• The bed DGM's husband provided was way too uncomfortable (but she did not want to pay for a hotel room of course).
• She had to listen to DGM's husband crying over his beloved wife's death. It was impolite, improper and upsetting of him. He was not being considerate of her enough, that she needed her sleep. She was genuinely surprised that he was mourning, he didn't even love DGM anyway, he was lying about loving her for decades. So why bother at all?
• That DGM's husband was mourning and crying, made her feel very uncomfortable. She wanted to go home. She could not take all this stress. How boring and upsetting it was to keep listening to him sobbing or talking about his recently deceased wife. How irritating this whole thing was to her, and she was such a hero to endure it.
• The funeral sounded so scary. She hates funerals, they remind her of death (guess her own demise, huh?)
• At the funeral, there were other relatives (what a surprise). And she couldn't chat with all of them. (wow... what a surprise again... what did you expect? a house party?)
• Some of the relatives didn't even want to chat with her (how rude that they were too busy mourning than to discuss her successes that she wanted to brag about)
• None of the children were enthusiastic (they haven't seen her for a decade or more and I doubt they even knew who she was) to being dragged through the funeral home by her, to me, while she bragged to me about how successful they were in their studies at high school or college and how they were so much better than me in choosing their future professions that must be paying more than mine does. When I told her that a funeral was probably not the best time to jump them and aggressively interrogate them about school and money, she was genuinely surprised.
• The coffee was way too hot, and not strong enough.
• Also, there was not enough quality food.
• She had to see images of DGM and how shocking that was, that she had to look at the images of someone who was deceased.
• She was genuinely disgusted by mourning people, or sad people. How uncomfortable that was, that she had to see sad and ugly red-eyed people.
• She was constantly worried about the way she looked. She wanted to look elegant and beautiful, so she wore a light dress.
• She then complained about being cold because of the AC, and how she was going to have kidney failure or lung problems. It was all the AC's fault, not her, being under-dressed.
• She forbade me to wear my (bit worn) sweater, because it was 'not appropriate enough for a funeral'. It was black, and it was warm. But no, I would have made her look bad, if I turned up wearing that cr*p, standing beside her.
• She hated everyone else's clothes. They were not appropriate, elegant, nice, decent, beautiful, or black enough. She was the only one apparently who knew how to dress.
• We knew that part of the funeral would be held at an open air place, with ground and grass. She nevertheless wore high heels than complained about the difficulty of walking in high heels in grass.
• She thought it was inappropriate that EF had to participate in the main parts of the funeral (being DGM's son, and closest relative). She considered it weird and unnecessary. Also us, being considered closest relatives (she never liked her).
• DGM's husband was so grief-stricken that he did not want to have dinner together with relatives and friends after the funeral. He just wanted to go home and be alone. NM considered this disrespectful and exclaimed that he was throwing temper tantrums like a 2-years-old.
• She offered to make breakfast for him. He refused. She was offended. (she wanted to act like a replacement wife for him, to prove that it didn't matter to him that DGM died, that he didn't love her at all and just needed her as a slave to cook for him, and as long as he got food, he wasn't even grieving... this didn't work)
• She cooked lunch for him, then complained that she constantly has to cook for him and do stuff for him, while he was doing useless stuff like crying.
• She was genuinely offended when he was talking about his deceased wife during lunch. How boring that was, constantly having to have DGM as a topic.
• He went to buy some groceries and he left his money at home (gosh, I wouldn't be able to find the store at all if I was in his shoes) so she had to pay for them. This must have been an evil plan to rip her off with money.
• I could go on, but you see the point.

I purposefully booked seats so that we would sit as far from each other as possible. So my travel was very pleasant.

NM attempted to freak out about this, and attempted to accuse me about not wanting to 'sit next to each other and chat pleasantly all the way long', but I shrugged her off.

I had meaningful and deep conversations with DGM's husband. We even hugged each other. I could console him a bit, and he said that it helped him a lot that I was with him during these difficult days. It was also good that we shared our love towards DGM and we could talk about our happy times together, and that she was a very good and loving person.

I got some really personal items from DGM's, that dated back to my early childhood. NM demanded that I show them to her. I firmly said no. She was furious, then accused, then demanded, then cried, so attempted the whole scale, to get what she wanted. I told her no again and said that it was too personal and painful for me to discuss, so no matter what she did, I would not be showing them to her. She then wanted to hug me. She literally chased me around the house, while I kept telling her that I would not hug her either. That I did not want to be hugged. By. Her. She went through her whole repertoire again. When she attempted to literally jump me, I stepped aside, and said NO in a very calm, but very firm and authoritative manner. She was shocked, started screaming and crying that I hated her and now she knew it. I left her there.

After this, she arrived a few minutes later as if nothing has happened. So that's how her 'I'm dying from desperation because my daughter does not love me' act was genuine.

I've managed to really experience how she was all about herself and nothing else, how she was a complete emotional illiterate, and how she had absolutely no clue about empathy or grief. I've also managed to keep my boundaries. I'm getting to know the new me.

Coffee with a spoonful of honesty

I've had my coffee with EF.

Sorry if I will be rambling incoherently.

I was asked about the locks. I said the truth: that they did not work. He did not want to dig into the subject any further.

We talked about NM and that I was not willing to see her more frequently. EF claimed that he did not understand the whys. I asked him whether he felt he could handle my honesty and stay open-minded, because we both know he has a history of walling up inside when being confronted or hearing something that did not fit his view of the world.

He said yes, and I have tried to be as honest to him as possible, while staying in an adult state, focused, calm, loving, warm, firm and persistent. I have managed to stay this way until he left.

He claimed that he believed me, and that I was honest with him, but he did not know anything about all of this. He acted as if I was talking about my repeated encounters with UFOs, but he also tried really hard to be open. What I sensed was that he, for the first time in my life, believed me, despite that he had a completely different reality from mine. I assured him that I loved him and loved talking to him, but I stated that I was intent on focusing on my life, my relationship and my healing, and that being in touch with NM constantly is not an option for me anymore.

His only question was a bit frightened, confused, and completely clueless 'what the hell can I do now with all this?' And he answered it with a 'It seems that there is nothing that I can do'. The 'this' referred to NM and her attitude, behavior and all the related results.

I told him that being a narc is like being an addict, only worse. The first step is admitting that there is a problem, realizing that said problem has overgrown her, and that she needs professional help. I also told him that unlike being an addict, being a narc is mostly incurable (he knows that), and that therapists specialized in treating narcs are really really rare in our region, if not completely nonexistent.

He was completely puzzled when I told him about my life and experiences with NM (well, it wasn't much, you can't really explain narcissism and a lifetime of gaslighting, emotional incest and suffering in a few hours), repeatedly stating that he knew absolutely nothing about all this, although he admitted that he perceived some of my memories as his own, claiming that 'I also disagreed with her actions at that time'.

I told him that he might not have known these on a conscious level - knowing his history of escaping inside his head when anything confrontational happened, but that I also knew that he was enabling NM's actions by not protecting me, or leaving me alone with her. I also told him that the reason why he rarely witnessed anything was that she has always been extremely careful to ensure that she was alone with me when she abused me. That this was the whole point.

He told me how strongly NM wanted not to become like NGM. That she did everything she could to avoid that. I told him that doing the exact opposite of a certain kind of abuse leaded to an equal amount of abuse of a different, but similarly unbearable (or worse) kind. That I considered this tragic, but that this does not change the fact that she should have sought professional help and spend years in therapy before even thinking about having a child.

He left with acting accepting and believing towards me. I also sensed he was sad.

Since I have managed to stay in my adult state, I have also experienced his own blackouts. They were vaguely visible for the naked eye, but I was consciously searching for clues when he would wall up or feel an irresistible desire to run away. I have counted at least three instances: gazing into the distance with dreamy, unfocused eyes for blackouts, and becoming wide-eyed and extremely twitchy when feeling the desire to run.

He claimed that he is now not getting all the abuse that I got (which I tend to believe), but I also think that he does not consciously realize that he is being abused.

I reassured him that there are several people who know what is going on, and that they care about him and me.

He told me one thing about the lock incident: that when NM barged in, neither me, nor DB said hello to her, and that this impoliteness and rudeness made her cry for a whole day. That she was devastated. He also added that he was standing too far from her to hear what was or was not going on (conveniently out of the blast range, I added in my head).

When he left, and I stayed there for a while to pay the bill and gather my thoughts, I had a few really bad moments that included the thoughts of:

• I was killing my father. He would die in a heart attack because I was honest with him.
• I am crazy. The whole thing I told him never was and is not real. I was misinterpreting reality that was that I had a good and loving mother. I was overreacting.
• That now my lies, overreacting and crazyness were killing my father.
• That on my way home, I will certainly meet NM and she will abuse the living soul out of me.
• That I was stupid because I forgot to tell him the most important part: the engulfing, all-consuming, suffocating, you-must-not-have-your-own-identity, love-equals-no-boundaries part. And that because of my miscommunication he will not understand anything. That despite all my efforts, I have failed miserably.

I'm more or less over these now. I have talked to DB who has confirmed my memory that we both said hello to NM. He also reassured me that I was not the crazy one and that this is again one more proof to that. I love that he sees what I see. That he sees gaslighting for what it is.

I am proud of myself for staying in an adult state, for being open and honest, for realizing some more truths. Also for not having high hopes for EF to believe me completely, or for anything to change in my FOO. The change is in me.

Changing locks

I've changed the locks. Of course, my NM and EF just happened to wander around the time I have made it done. NM knocked in and shouted HELLOOO. I bet there will be 'consequences'. They will demand answers and stuff.

I'm so happy with my new locks. I love them. Yay.

Another story from the past weekend (when the books-stuff happened). First, EF cancelled our lunch, sending me a text saying that 'Your mom is gone. I'm cancelling all programs today.' I've called him to ask wtf, he said that she was simply gone, he did not want to talk to anyone. I instantly knew what this was about, but also knew that this was no way over, and we did not receive the 'gift' of not having to visit for Easter.

This was a very theatrical move. NM felt she was not getting enough attention, so she turned into a hysterical diva and stormed out. She has done this before (EF did not remember this, but oh, I do). My guess is, she thought we would visit them for lunch (and not talk to EF), EF would have had to admit that she was gone, we would have all felt guilty and maybe also corner EF for what he must have done to poor NM, or maybe we would have been cornered also, DB would have been there as an outsider witness to tell me and EF how awful we were behaving towards NM, and then she would have come back and we would have been groveling on our knees begging for forgiveness, so that she could trample over all three of us.

LOL. This did not turn out the way she planned.

I told DB that they now will have three options and she will definitely choose one. Either NM will arrive exactly after we have had lunch on our own and demand our visit. Or she would call in the evening to invite us for dinner and behave as nothing had ever happened. Or wait until DB was gone, and bombard me with text messages demanding me to visit without DB.

She chose all three options. She arrived back at noon (I have heard their door lock), invited us cheerfully for dinner (where the book incident happened), and then bombarded me with text messages to visit them for breakfast every weekday after that.

EF called me yesterday with the 'We need to talk' speech. I told him that I will be available for him, in a coffee house, on Wednesday.

I'm considering this as an opportunity for practicing my new skills of resisting NM's demands and EF's suffering and puppy eyes and trying to act as an authoritarian father.

I don't feel fear. What I suppose the topics will be are my new locks, that I do not visit frequently enough, and my general selfishness, me being unloving, inconsiderate, ingrate, and me destroying our family, and they nevertheless missing me and loving me.

I wish I could tell him that though I like talking to him about science, arts, or the-meaning-of-life, I have no respect for him. That I see him as nothing more but NM's puppet. That I know he never hesitated sacrificing me for saving himself from NM's wrath. That their marriage is their own responsibility and I'm not dealing with it anymore. That their emotional state is also their own responsibility. That my responsibility is my own life and nothing else. That I decide who I spend my time with, and as I can handle situations when people I care about decide to no longer be a part of my life, they can also do that, or get professional help. I wish he would not wall up inside the moment I start being honest. I wish he would really hear me.

I know that I have tried a million times. I know, this has failed a million times. So honesty and being open does not work. But I am not willing to keep up a false facade that is not true either. If I play his game by saying 'I'm not discussing this right now' over and over again will not get me anywhere either.

I don't feel fear. I feel a sort of sadness. And I feel stuck. I have stopped wanting them as parent figures in my life. I have realized that it is not and never have been possible. (I guess it is also unwise to tell him this). I just feel the human need of laying down foundations.

I don't even know what my question is.

Not making everybody's problems go away

Another situation came up, where I had the great chance of make someone's problems go away.

It was an emergency situation, involving hospitals, authorities, and one of my best friends. Friend had psychological issues for a while now (though before last year was one of the strongest and most normal people I have known), and I was helping her whenever I could. In this emergency, my first thought was to jump right in and become the knight in shining armor.

Helping as such would have required devoting my life (including maybe sacrificing my work, my relationship, and everything else for nearly a week) to said friend and taking legal responsibility for friend's descendants.

I have casually mentioned the issue to DB, and his first reaction was one question.

"You do realize, that this is now the dividing line between helping your friend and taking your friend's problems onto you?"

This was all I needed.

Yes, I needed this nudge (and thank God for DB, and his clear mind), but at least, I suddenly saw the situation as it was. It was a problem (although a huge one) of someone else. It was my friend's responsibility to take, and my friend's problem to solve. Not mine. I could show empathy, I could offer supporting words, but I did not have any obligation to give my life up.

I knew that me saying no could have brought more difficulties to my friend. I also felt sorry for the present situation. But I do not feel sorry for saying no.

This help would not have been real help. It would have prevented my friend from experiencing that it was possible to get out of this situation without my help. Without any outside help. To experience inner strength. To learn from mistakes.

I helped my friend by saying no. I helped myself by saying no.

One step forward for me again.

Calm or the storm

So far, everything is ok. I rarely see or talk to NM, and I'm happy this way. I wonder how long I can go on like this before the sh*tstorm comes. Anyway, I'm calmer, happier and more content in general. It feels good. I'm still constantly looking over my shoulders in anticipation of something coming from my FOO's direction.

I'm starting to realize, that my life has never been calm at all. I had always lived with trying to survive turbulent emotions, either on one extreme or the other: Heaven or Hell. It was a constant mixture of yearning for the unreachable, waiting for another thrill-dose of a few hours spent with an unavailable love interest, then forcing myself to show no emotions at all when I got home to my FOO. Then withstanding another hell-on-earth session with NM while forcing myself not to show any emotions. Then spending the rest of the night doing anything that helped me avoiding killing myself. Either drinking, smoking, music, reading, computer. Then waking up crying from horrible nightmares, and realizing that they were still better than my life.

I don't know what to do with calm. I have my tools for surviving the extremes. I know how to survive hatred, unacceptance, accusations, gaslighting, emotional blackmail, threats. I know how to survive being unloved, rejected, tossed aside. I know how to survive being engulfed. I know how to survive being the third one in a relationship; being in a relationship where I am constantly cheated on; living with a full-blown narc spouse; falling madly in love with people whom I not in a relationship with, while having someone waiting for me at home.

Normal. Ordinary. Calm. What the hell am I supposed to do with this?

I have never done drugs thanks God, but I feel like as if I was constantly in need of my daily fix. That is, the emotional rollercoaster. I constantly feel the urge to do something insane, to wreak havoc on my own life, to keep others falling in love with me, to deal with my art projects until dawn, to stay out until dawn, to party, to talk to people and change the world, to be bad.

And if I don't keep myself constantly on very strong and conflicting emotions, I feel like I'm exploding, or falling apart.

For so long, I wanted nothing else but to have a calm, ordinary, normal life, with someone who loves me and whom I love, to go home and cook lunch, to do happy things together, to get married, have children, and live happily ever after.

Now, I don't have a freaking clue.

The only time I really feel alive is when I'm extremely energetic, full with life, madly in love with DB, while also madly in love with at least one someone else, severely depressed, feel completely alone, and extremely tired. All at the same time.

Proud of myself

I feel proud for two reasons.

The first is, that after one and a half weeks of not talking to my mother, she called me (and acted as if nothing has happened, this still weirds me out). We talked about the weather, she foreshadowed that she and EF will both die, I did not react the way she expected me to, and then I hung up. Before that, she told me that she would call me again in the evening to inform me that they are safe (there was nothing threatening their life, but she loves to create drama to feel more important and get more narcissistic supply). I told her that if I don't pick up, I am busy, and she should text me if she wants to tell me anything. I didn't ever intend to answer the phone, and so when she called, I let it ring. After a few hours, she texted me, and I did not answer that either (it included them being OK and an invitation for breakfast). I answered the text the next day, around noon, stating that I'm happy that they are OK, and I'm at work.

I have managed to stay myself. Yay!
I know that she will attempt to reach me, and that I might or might not be successful in protecting myself, but I do consider this as a thumbs up. I consider this as a success, and if I relapse, if I stumble, even if I fall, I will not consider it as a failure, but merely as another step.

The other reason is quite weird, but I still feel good for some reason. We have discovered, with my therapist, that there is simply no aspect in my childhood, that was healthy, normal or functional. I think I feel proud because

• I'm the "best" at something, even if it is something very sad.
• I feel validated, I feel that all my feelings from my early childhood that something was "off" in my family, are supported by measurable facts now.
• Despite all of that, I am still here, and I am still capable of working on myself and raising myself.

A free weekend

I haven't heard of NM since the last phone-related event. I feel lighter and closer to my own self every passing minute. There is a tangible difference between not having to even think about her for days, and between being constantly bombarded and smothered by her emails, text messages, phone calls, visits, or other attempts at completely occupying my every thought.

Yesterday morning I knew that I would hear of her soon, and that with each passing day that I spend with something else than groveling at her feet will add to the pile of sh*tstorm that she intends to hurl at me as soon as she figures out the cruelest way possible. But I couldn't care less now. She had the chance of saying what she wanted, now she has the chance to contemplate on why I did not return her calls. I bet she will not ever do that though.

She did send her one and only flying monkey though: EF, who sent me a short email including some music (we both love music, whereas NM not really), I guess it was a way of saying hi, and then he added "I hope you are well, kisses". A bit before midnight, when I got home, I sent some music back to him, added that I just got home and as a result was tired, but otherwise nothing special, kisses.

If he only wanted to know whether I was alive, and whether we are okay, he knows now. If he wanted to spy for NM, I will know soon, since there was no useful information for NM in my mail, and she will be furious.

I feel much better without her constantly devouring me.

My therapist and DB have both told me that I am making a huge progress in my reactions to NM's behavior, and now I give myself the pleasure of being proud of myself for getting this far.

I don't have any illusions, she will attack me soon. And I intend to remain myself instead of being dragged back to her psycho-play.

Therapeutic goals and the knight in shining armor

We have checked my therapeutic goals with my therapist, and realized that I have reached almost all of them. Yay! I am proud of myself now.

DB is a knight in shining armor. Despite all my positive experiences with him, I still firmly believed that I'm the only one whom I can really count on, and that no matter how sick or disabled I might become, I would still have to do everything by myself, because no one will help me. This sounds quite mean, and I have only recently realized that I have serious trust issues.

And still, I start to believe in DB. My blood pressure suddenly dropped and I found myself lying on the floor, in pain I have never felt before, and the only thing I could tell him was to find help. And then I fainted. I was in and out of consciousness, and woke up in the hospital. He managed to take me there, without any instructions or help from me (I know that this should be normal, but in my head these scenarios didn't exist before), told them everything they needed to know and the result was that I felt a lot better, the pain faded, and I stopped fainting. What I woke up to was that he was slowly stroking my back and talking to the doctor, and I felt comforted and safe.

This is what trust and safety must feel like. It is a wonderful feeling.

He was really there for me when I was in trouble and needed help.

The first one to believe me

I grew up with literally no one in my family believing what I said about NM. I was always told by other family members that it mustn't be true, what I say about her, that she was the most amazing mother in the world, that she is almost a saint, that she is always nice, and she loves me more than a human being can possibly love.

That I have a vivid imagination. That I am a child that loves exaggerating, and telling stories that are more "colorful" than how they have actually happened. That I am a teenager who obviously tries to "rebel" (I have never rebelled, I didn't even know what it was). That I don't understand motherly love. That I will learn what it is like to be a mother when I become one. That my poor mother only wants the best for me, I'll see. That I am a liar. I soon became the Pinocchio of the family. And I had to realize, that there never was and never will be anyone, who will believe anything I say about my life in my FOO, or NM.

And now, a miracle happened on my birthday.

I have talked to DGM and her husband, they said HBD and quickly changed the subject. They were very agitated. It turned out that they talked to NM the day before my birthday. I don't know what she told them but it really scared the sh*t out of them. They basically told me to escape as far as I can from her. They said something about how she must have something wrong in the head, and muttered about it not being right for a mother to expect her child to sacrifice herself for her mother. That if I have no other choice, they will give me shelter until I can find someplace else.

That they knew.

That they believed me.

That they were in my corner.

I never, ever have felt so light and so powerful in my life.

Someone, in my family, believes me.

I'm back again

I've came back from my long holiday with DB, and it was awesome on so many levels.

One of the levels was, that I've realized, again, that I am capable of living on my own, without NM constantly sniffing my behind, begging and growling for breadcrumbs of attention, like a stray dog. Actually, life is much more enjoyable this way.

As soon as we got back, she tries to put on the same record again. What amazes me is how deeply she is unable to understand, imagine or even hear anything that is outside her mind.

I've become tired of explaining why I don't want to visit them and chit-chat, when I get home from work around 11PM. I simply don't explain and don't go. She invites, or tries to force, or anything related, I ignore.

We have been talking about economy and politics with EF, obviously NM had to bark in with all her negativity. EF escaped as usual and left me there with NM who constantly kept on whining about how the world will continuously get worse, including all the people, and showered us with conspiracy theories and negativity. Instead of trying to reflect on what she said, I asked her suggestions on changing the world's course. It soon turned out that she had absolutely no clue about what she was talking about. Since she did not expect this turn of events (being questioned instead of getting her usual dose of narcissistic supply), she unconsciously started exposing her uncertainty, how she is constantly in a state of 'learnt helplessness' and how alone and bitter she feels in the world, and her life

And I've just realized how much NM wanted to make me like her... I have been living in learned helplessness for so long, it still seems weird when I do something on my own, for myself.

I've bought some books for myself. In my FOO, buying something for yourself, for your own happiness, without asking for anyone's permission for it, without explaining it in detail why you would otherwise die/starve/freeze to death was a sin that was comparable to killing your own family members. It was a scary experience to buy something for myself. But also, a wonderful one.

It is so much easier to see the patterns, when I don't feel emotionally enmeshed with her.

Also, life seems more peaceful.

Keeping the Gestalt prayer in mind helps me.

"I do my thing and you do your thing.
I am not in this world to live up to your expectations,
And you are not in this world to live up to mine.
You are you, and I am I,
and if by chance we find each other, it's beautiful.
If not, it can't be helped."

(Fritz Perls, "Gestalt Therapy Verbatim", 1969)

Holiday

I will be away on holiday with DB. Only the two of us, without my FOO nearby. It will be two weeks, away from my everyday life.

I've said NO again to NM. She asked me to water their plants while the father of EXNB will be staying at their apartment renovating the kitchen. I told them no. (I made the mistake of explaining the whys though). A few days after this, EF tried to convince me to celebrate a family holiday with them by visiting them in the very same apartment (where father of EXNB still is). I said no, without an explanation. He then expressed his disagreement, and I didn't care. So as a result, NM came over (EF thought it would be too 'embarrassing' for them to come together, since 'how could they tell EXNB's father, that I don't want to see him', so he stayed at home), I gave her the presents and she left. Well, they couldn't force me to meet EXNB's father. I'm happy this way.

I've got my synthetic dreads yesterday and went to my workplace in them today. I thought I would be frowned or laughed at, but I didn't care. And to my surprise, everyone said that I looked beautiful, and they all gathered around me and said that it was cool. Yaaaay! The CEO said that it was 'f***ing awesome and that I should wear them all the time'. Wow.

This is such a new experience to me. To be loved, to be in the centre of attention... just because I am who I am. To receive positive feedback for being me.

It really feels good.

If you haven't tried it before, try it. It is fascinating how powerful it can be if you stop acting like someone whom you think others would accept and like and start being yourself.

When I get back from abroad with DB, I will post again :)

Healing mantra for today

• Living and feeling my grief does not have to result in making myself physically, mentally or emotionally disabled.
• I cannot change other people's decisions, but I can make my own decisions about how to deal with the current situation in my life.
• If I feel sad, I can allow myself to feel that sadness. I do not have to repress my feelings, as I used to do.
• If I feel better, and things get easier, I do not have to push myself back into depression again, as I used to do.
• Just because I am not happy, I do not have to give up the things I love. I can allow myself to have coping methods.
• I do not have to act like as if everything was OK, I do not have to act happy. I do not have to jump into action with full force, especially if I realize that doing so without healing would only hurt more.
• If dealing with the art project intensely, or any other mundane action causes me pain, I can give myself time and decide not to do it for another day.
• Just because someone has decided not to talk to me, it does not mean that I am less loveable or valuable for either him or anyone else. 
• I can decide to continue the art project, I can decide to show those who count on me that I am there for them. I can allow myself to be happy in it, even if my ex-friend does not participate in it anymore. I do not have to sabotage the project consciously, or on an unconscious level.
• I can allow myself to move on. And I can take as much time as I need for that.