Tuesday, April 9, 2013

Changing locks

I've changed the locks. Of course, my NM and EF just happened to wander around the time I have made it done. NM knocked in and shouted HELLOOO. I bet there will be 'consequences'. They will demand answers and stuff.

I'm so happy with my new locks. I love them. Yay.

Another story from the past weekend (when the books-stuff happened). First, EF cancelled our lunch, sending me a text saying that 'Your mom is gone. I'm cancelling all programs today.' I've called him to ask wtf, he said that she was simply gone, he did not want to talk to anyone. I instantly knew what this was about, but also knew that this was no way over, and we did not receive the 'gift' of not having to visit for Easter.

This was a very theatrical move. NM felt she was not getting enough attention, so she turned into a hysterical diva and stormed out. She has done this before (EF did not remember this, but oh, I do). My guess is, she thought we would visit them for lunch (and not talk to EF), EF would have had to admit that she was gone, we would have all felt guilty and maybe also corner EF for what he must have done to poor NM, or maybe we would have been cornered also, DB would have been there as an outsider witness to tell me and EF how awful we were behaving towards NM, and then she would have come back and we would have been groveling on our knees begging for forgiveness, so that she could trample over all three of us.

LOL. This did not turn out the way she planned.

I told DB that they now will have three options and she will definitely choose one. Either NM will arrive exactly after we have had lunch on our own and demand our visit. Or she would call in the evening to invite us for dinner and behave as nothing had ever happened. Or wait until DB was gone, and bombard me with text messages demanding me to visit without DB.

She chose all three options. She arrived back at noon (I have heard their door lock), invited us cheerfully for dinner (where the book incident happened), and then bombarded me with text messages to visit them for breakfast every weekday after that.

EF called me yesterday with the 'We need to talk' speech. I told him that I will be available for him, in a coffee house, on Wednesday.

I'm considering this as an opportunity for practicing my new skills of resisting NM's demands and EF's suffering and puppy eyes and trying to act as an authoritarian father.

I don't feel fear. What I suppose the topics will be are my new locks, that I do not visit frequently enough, and my general selfishness, me being unloving, inconsiderate, ingrate, and me destroying our family, and they nevertheless missing me and loving me.

I wish I could tell him that though I like talking to him about science, arts, or the-meaning-of-life, I have no respect for him. That I see him as nothing more but NM's puppet. That I know he never hesitated sacrificing me for saving himself from NM's wrath. That their marriage is their own responsibility and I'm not dealing with it anymore. That their emotional state is also their own responsibility. That my responsibility is my own life and nothing else. That I decide who I spend my time with, and as I can handle situations when people I care about decide to no longer be a part of my life, they can also do that, or get professional help. I wish he would not wall up inside the moment I start being honest. I wish he would really hear me.

I know that I have tried a million times. I know, this has failed a million times. So honesty and being open does not work. But I am not willing to keep up a false facade that is not true either. If I play his game by saying 'I'm not discussing this right now' over and over again will not get me anywhere either.

I don't feel fear. I feel a sort of sadness. And I feel stuck. I have stopped wanting them as parent figures in my life. I have realized that it is not and never have been possible. (I guess it is also unwise to tell him this). I just feel the human need of laying down foundations.

I don't even know what my question is.


  1. There isn't really a question because you're searching for reasonable, understandable answers, and there aren't any. Do what you need to in order to create peace in your own life.

  2. "I wish he would not wall up inside the moment I start being honest. I wish he would really hear me."

    That's how I feel too. I wish they could just hear us.

    I'm glad you are feeling stronger and hope you continue speaking your truth. All you can do is be true to yourself.

    Let us know how the meeting goes.

    Oh, and good for you with the locks!

  3. My sister used to have the spare key to my home, I "borrowed" it from her so a friend who was staying could use it. I never returned the key back to her. I didn't give her any explanations as to why I wasn't giving her the key back either. If they ask why you changed the locks, just say: because I wanted to. Don't give them any explanations. That's how they get us. xx

  4. As long as you *know* you won't be heard, IMO, let it rip, Scatha. And then when he starts his, "Butt, buttt" stuff, you get up and walk out.
    Let him pay the bill. Your's was paid in full long ago.
    And CONGRATULATIONS, Scatha! The first behavioral steps you take-and there have been several on your part-are IMO the most difficult. Mon Dieu, you're really, really getting how it is: With all the sadness for what might have been, what should have been and the reality of what it's NOT.
    You're facing reality full-on. What courage this takes!

    1. I've gotta agree with T-Dub. If you're in the mood to let it out (and as long as you already understand you're not going to be heard anyway) then go for it. You've got nothing to lose, as far as I can see. They aren't going to "hear" you, but this stuff needs to be said.

      Right on.

  5. Answer a question with a question:
    Why have you changed your locks?
    What makes you ask?

    Drive 'em crazy...or crazier!

    Turn the tables and have some fun, Scatha!

  6. About two years ago, I went through a lot of what you wrote about in this post, including the sadness and the realization that speaking with honesty and sincerity went on deaf ears. For me, going NC was the best option. I feel so much less stress now. The sadness and some anger linger, but it's not an active presence in my life any longer.

    I wish you well in your dealings with your parents. I kind of likeTW's idea (she's one smart cookie!). As long as you know your father won't respond like a proper parent, it might be cathartic. Hugs!


Comments are welcome!