Wednesday, April 3, 2013

Two books - one book

I had a book once, from a scholar I really respect. It was a quite rare book, only one edition, with a unique dark blue cover.

I have lost that book (another story), and was very sad.

EF remembered the book, and how I missed it (it was partly his responsibility that I could not get that book back). So I received it as a present for Christmas, it was the same dark blue edition, but he had the author sign it for me. I was very happy. I showed it to DB, and also the author's signature.

We visited my FOO to have breakfast together and celebrate Easter. I was surprised to find a friend of my family there, it was unusual to see someone 'not family' visiting them during the holidays. But I was sort of happy because I was pretty sure that NM would try to act nice as long as anyone else sees her. DB and me got a book as a present for Easter. My book was a book from the scholar I respect. With a unique dark blue cover, signed by the author, for me.

Due to my conditioning, my first reaction was not to show any reaction and to hide that they did something weird or nasty (especially if what they did harmed me in any way). Especially because someone else was also there, their friend. So when they repeatedly asked whether I was happy, I said I was and I tried to act surprised. Even when at home, DB mentioned that he remembers me having something of that 'book series' already, and asked me to search for the other book, I told him that I did not want to look for it right now rather than admitting that something was going on.

I could only manage to tell him after a day has passed, that something was really weird and that I thought I got the same book as a present - twice in a row. (I still consider this as a progress, that I have managed to tell this to him, and not to cover for my FOO).

I asked DB whether I was completely crazy or he also remembered me getting the exact same book earlier as a present. He remembered.

I have checked whether I somehow got two identical books. Nope. No other dark blue book on the shelves.

I don't remember lending them the book I got earlier (that does not really mean anything, I tend to forget things easily, but I don't think I would have given this to them. I value it too much. However, I still have to consider the possibility that I could have 'forgot', the way I sometimes dissociate and 'black out' when NM is mentally torturing me).
  1. I wonder whether one of them used the keys they have to my apartment and took the book.
  2. Or I completely forgot lending them the book, and then they were either that senile to give the same book as a present to me in 4 months' time,
  3. Or they really don't give a damn that much, which is basically the same for me
  4. Or they are gaslighting the cr*p out of me (back to option #1)

Nevertheless, I have called the locksmiths, and I'm getting a new lock on my door.


  1. Holy crap, Scatha. That is just messed up. I go with option 4. Maybe they are starting to sense you are changing, and are upping the ante?

    Never, ever give them a key to your apartment again. That is creepy.

  2. I'm with Jessie. No, that book was too special, too out of the ordinary for you to have "forgotten." And DB backs up your recollections.
    You're a quick learner in terms of deciphering what's up and when you're being gamed. The only thing you "need" so to speak, is confidence and confirmation. Your gut is right on. Again, I agree with your and Jessie's assessment, FWIW.

  3. Glad you're having your locks changed. It's amazing how knowing they can't invade one physical space starts to translate to not allowing them into other spaces, like my head.

  4. Good for you for changing the locks. I had a really hard time when I started remembering for myself. It was like the abusers depend on me not remembering clearly. When I do remember, I start to question what is happening. I think one of the reasons I like photography is it is evidence. Hugs.

  5. They stole the book using your key. There is no other explanation. Here, once again, is proof that your father is an equal partner in your mother's dysfunction.

    The friend's presence was a calculated move on their part to stop you from confronting them on what they'd done.

    Don't tell them you're changing the locks. The next time they try to sneak in to your apartment you can bet they'll reveal themselves by asking why their key won't work. Then, without a doubt you'll have your questions answered.

  6. Thank you all!

    I also tend to believe the gaslighting option.
    I have changed the locks. More about it in the next post.


Comments are welcome!