Tuesday, August 27, 2013

A narc ghost of the past

I have run into my EXNB's photos by accident. We have been living together for years, and I was madly, insanely in love with him, and I was completely addicted to him. For me, he was my personal drug. He was THE love of my life. It was me, who ended the relationship, while I was still deeply in love with him. It took all my strength, it took my sanity, and it almost took my life.

(I slept at my FOO's place after he left, since I thought I would find support and family and the like there. All I got was teaching NM that no boyfriend meant me living with her again (I could bang my head in the wall all day long for this). And all I got as 'comfort' was getting told a few days later by her to 'get over it already' because my sadness annoyed her)

And back then, I didn't even know that he was a narc (or that NM was a narc).

After a few days he left, I begged on my knees for him to come back to me. It lasted for a few months more.

When I found out that he was a full-blown narc, who consciously hunted me down and made me his brainless, dribbling slave, who gaslighted the living cr*p out of me and who almost drove me insane, we were already separated, because he has kicked my ass out with some vague lie of 'needing some time apart'. (yeah, he already had a new victim to pursue, and I was in his way).

I spent my days and nights with reading about narcissism, and the whole puzzle just got solved. And I decided to run like hell and never to look back and never ever to see him or talk to him or even think about him. I knew that if I ever did that, I would be on my knees before him again without thinking, and that I would be the happiest person in the world to sacrifice myself for someone who didn't even exist in the first place. He just replicated me and wore my personality as a Scatha-coat to make me believe that he was just like me. That we were like twins in heart and soul. (I realized that when he started wearing the skin of his new victim who was nothing like me, and he turned into her in an instant. It was horrifying to watch).

So I made my vows of abstinence, which he sensed (he always did) and called in the first second I was sober from my delirium with him. He told me the exact words I ever wanted to hear in my life. I didn't have the strength to say no, but I told him that I would contact him when I had the time. I never did.

Last week, I accidentally bumped into some photos of him circling around his newest prey (it was completely by accident, I expected puppy photos in the puppy photo album of this woman on FB, and ended up seeing his face). It completely threw me off balance. He still has this unique otherworldly beauty that no woman can resist (not even NM, but that's another story, she always loved to try to take my boyfriends away from me). I guess the reason why he looks so handsome and forever young is that he sucks the living soul out of everyone he lays his eyes on, like a real life vampire.

It hurt like hell. And I needed all my strength to resist contacting him or at least stalking him. I miss him madly. Well, not him, he never was and never will be. I miss the image that he wore around me. I miss the feverish love, the addiction, the high, the infatuation, the madness, that neverending thirst, and the knowledge that the love of the most perfect being on Earth is mine. And then I realized that these were not my own feelings, but automatic reactions to the trigger of seeing him, and echoes of memories. I am not like this anymore.

And this whole sh*t has never ever existed.

What I've realized now are the following:
  • I am done with illusions and lies. I am not interested in having any relationship with projected images. I want someone who is real and human
  • I am a f*cking superhero for getting out of this sh*t on my own and staying out of it.
  • I never ever ever want to be back in that situation again. I choose love over addiction. I choose honesty over gaslighting and mind-tricks. I choose healthy over crazy. I choose me over abuse.
  • I'm proud of myself, and it feels SO F*CKING GOOD to be me.


  1. Yay, Scatha! You are a superhero, a regular narc-fighter.
    It's so good to hear you are doing so well. Cheers to you!

  2. You are an amazing super hero. Hurray for you.

  3. I felt the same in the narc. relationship .. (now 5 years no contact).. in some way greatful that I was the chosen one...Today I just can´t relate to that woman that I was... I´ve come a long way .. therapy, groups, books, anything and everything...and now I know why I was attracted to a narcissist ... because my mom is one...
    Wish you the best ...


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