I've talked to EF. Told him that me and DB would not be attending his birthday if NM was there. I offered to invite him to dinner with us to a restaurant of his choice, and give presents to him there. I told him that the abuse I had to endure from NM during every single 'family celebration' was now coming to an end, and that I won't participate in that anymore.
He claimed he did not know about any abuse and that he didn't care about presents anyway, and that he would not celebrate without NM because he didn't want to 'have problems because of that'.
I told him that if that was the truth, I was happy that at least he did not feel as awful as I did for my whole life. And also that whether or not it is true, but what is true is that he never protected me. He didn't refute that.
I said I accepted that and asked if he had any suggestion for celebrating, if not on that day but any other day, but without NM.
We agreed that the three of us could go to a chocolate bar someday.
When I got home from talking to EF, I felt suicidal again, but now I have managed to recognize it as something that I was conditioned to feel whenever I said a firm no against letting NM abuse me. (I still think that it is disgusting and scary that someone could condition their child to this.)
Sometimes I feel like the worst daughter, sometimes I could cry like a baby 'I want my mommyyyyy', sometimes I feel that I'm making the worst mistake of my life, and sometimes I feel brave. I want to cling to the latter.
First step towards creating boundaries and protecting them.
Met NM today accidentally. DB was invited for a snack over at their place. She knew I had somewhere else to be so I was out of the question. He politely turned the invitation down and we went on with our business.
One more step.