Wednesday, August 7, 2013

No to abuse

I've talked to EF. Told him that me and DB would not be attending his birthday if NM was there. I offered to invite him to dinner with us to a restaurant of his choice, and give presents to him there. I told him that the abuse I had to endure from NM during every single 'family celebration' was now coming to an end, and that I won't participate in that anymore.

He claimed he did not know about any abuse and that he didn't care about presents anyway, and that he would not celebrate without NM because he didn't want to 'have problems because of that'.

I told him that if that was the truth, I was happy that at least he did not feel as awful as I did for my whole life. And also that whether or not it is true, but what is true is that he never protected me. He didn't refute that.

I said I accepted that and asked if he had any suggestion for celebrating, if not on that day but any other day, but without NM.

We agreed that the three of us could go to a chocolate bar someday.

When I got home from talking to EF, I felt suicidal again, but now I have managed to recognize it as something that I was conditioned to feel whenever I said a firm no against letting NM abuse me. (I still think that it is disgusting and scary that someone could condition their child to this.)

Sometimes I feel like the worst daughter, sometimes I could cry like a baby 'I want my mommyyyyy', sometimes I feel that I'm making the worst mistake of my life, and sometimes I feel brave. I want to cling to the latter.

First step towards creating boundaries and protecting them.

Met NM today accidentally. DB was invited for a snack over at their place. She knew I had somewhere else to be so I was out of the question. He politely turned the invitation down and we went on with our business.

One more step.


  1. One step at a time. You didn't land where you are overnight. You endured years of painful training. You're making great progress toward healthy boundaries. Keep fighting for you!

  2. I get that deep gut, "I want my mommy" feeling too, especially when I am frightened or in pain. It takes the grown up in me to realize what I want is what I should've had, but can never get.

    It's awful you were conditioned to want to die when denying your mother her whims. Hopefully understanding your feeling will help you conquer it.

  3. This post is painful to read, and I can only imagine how hard it must be for you.

    I think you are doing an amazing job. It's hard, but like Judy said, you'll get there, one step at a time.

    If it helps, I've had similar feelings. I felt suicidal too for not being able to do everything and be everything for all of the narcs around me. It was a losing battle, one I was set up to lose. One in which I felt that being me and putting me first for once was destroying those around me. I've come a long way from those feelings, and I hope you will too soon find a way to move away from them. You are not a horrible daughter, you are not a horrible person for setting boundaries, and you deserve to have your own life.

  4. Three things jump out at me in this post:

    Even at 67, I occasionally have an "I want my mommy" moment but then I remind myself, I don't want MY mommy, I want A mommy. A mommy who will love and respect me!

    This part: "he didn't want to 'have problems because of that'." is where your father flat out admitted that he enables your mother!

    Best part: The amazing progress you have made!

  5. mulderfan noticed the same things I did. The feelings of being suicidal because you are stopping the abuse and setting healthy boundaries I found subsides with practice. I am sorry you experienced this type of conditioning. Your father's comment underlines his awareness that something is off. Also the person on the receiving end of abuse has a much different view than a bystander, your father like mine, chose to stand aside and let you take the brunt of our mother's nasty side. I don't understand it still and like mulderfan I sometimes wish I had a 'mommy' to hug me and stroke my hair and tell me everything is all right. My mother just is not that mommy. Sounds like yours isn't either...not your fault. Your progress is visible, You may want to go back and read what you wrote last year. You are an amazingly strong woman. You are gathering strength with each healthy choice. Cheering you on from my computer.

  6. I'm so sorry it's come to this, Scatha. They just don't understand how difficult it is to come to a decision of NC. We would try anything to have a mommy, in any way, rather than realize we have NO mommy.

    We're all behind you. We all see it, we all get it. Hang in there. Props to DH - he's being a rock for you, that's awesome.

  7. Scatha, The loss of our illusions, our dreams *is* a metaphorical death. You are accepting what is, and yes, it is a horribly, brutally painful experience. How we grieve and how very much it hurts! I am so sorry you didn't have the Mom or Dad so many others seem to take for granted.
    With time, you'll see the loss of an unattainable relationship over which you had no control will be replaced by new dreams, new realities which ARE attainable and are worthy of your gift of love and your efforts. We do end up de facto being our own "Mothers" and "Fathers." It took me a long time to realize I actually was my own "Mom" and had been for years. Of course I have wished for a real Mom-actually, I would have done just about anything to have one and I demonstrated that for years, to no avail.
    You have a wonderfully supportive DB. Of course, no one "replaces" a parent. Sharing your life with a partner who loves you unconditionally is a gift many people never experience either. Love one another, take care of one another, dream together. A new world is opening in place of the old one that will be grieved. We're walking with you too (((Scatha.)))

  8. Suh good comments here- I can add agreement and hugs. You are getting there- it's painful at times, but it's worth it. Keep strong on those boundaries, and don't let any guilt fear or obligation buttons get pressed. xxxxx


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