The first is, that after one and a half weeks of not talking to my mother, she called me (and acted as if nothing has happened, this still weirds me out). We talked about the weather, she foreshadowed that she and EF will both die, I did not react the way she expected me to, and then I hung up. Before that, she told me that she would call me again in the evening to inform me that they are safe (there was nothing threatening their life, but she loves to create drama to feel more important and get more narcissistic supply). I told her that if I don't pick up, I am busy, and she should text me if she wants to tell me anything. I didn't ever intend to answer the phone, and so when she called, I let it ring. After a few hours, she texted me, and I did not answer that either (it included them being OK and an invitation for breakfast). I answered the text the next day, around noon, stating that I'm happy that they are OK, and I'm at work.
I have managed to stay myself. Yay!
I know that she will attempt to reach me, and that I might or might not be successful in protecting myself, but I do consider this as a thumbs up. I consider this as a success, and if I relapse, if I stumble, even if I fall, I will not consider it as a failure, but merely as another step.
The other reason is quite weird, but I still feel good for some reason. We have discovered, with my therapist, that there is simply no aspect in my childhood, that was healthy, normal or functional. I think I feel proud because
- I'm the "best" at something, even if it is something very sad.
- I feel validated, I feel that all my feelings from my early childhood that something was "off" in my family, are supported by measurable facts now.
- Despite all of that, I am still here, and I am still capable of working on myself and raising myself.