Wednesday, January 16, 2013

Proud of myself

I feel proud for two reasons.

The first is, that after one and a half weeks of not talking to my mother, she called me (and acted as if nothing has happened, this still weirds me out). We talked about the weather, she foreshadowed that she and EF will both die, I did not react the way she expected me to, and then I hung up. Before that, she told me that she would call me again in the evening to inform me that they are safe (there was nothing threatening their life, but she loves to create drama to feel more important and get more narcissistic supply). I told her that if I don't pick up, I am busy, and she should text me if she wants to tell me anything. I didn't ever intend to answer the phone, and so when she called, I let it ring. After a few hours, she texted me, and I did not answer that either (it included them being OK and an invitation for breakfast). I answered the text the next day, around noon, stating that I'm happy that they are OK, and I'm at work.

I have managed to stay myself. Yay!
I know that she will attempt to reach me, and that I might or might not be successful in protecting myself, but I do consider this as a thumbs up. I consider this as a success, and if I relapse, if I stumble, even if I fall, I will not consider it as a failure, but merely as another step.

The other reason is quite weird, but I still feel good for some reason. We have discovered, with my therapist, that there is simply no aspect in my childhood, that was healthy, normal or functional. I think I feel proud because
  • I'm the "best" at something, even if it is something very sad.
  • I feel validated, I feel that all my feelings from my early childhood that something was "off" in my family, are supported by measurable facts now.
  • Despite all of that, I am still here, and I am still capable of working on myself and raising myself.


  1. Wow! Such progress, Scatha! Good for you!
    That whole acting like nothing happened game? Mulderfan calls it the "Let's Pretend" Game and I've also heard this maneuver referred to as "Pressing the Re-Set Button." It's not an uncommon tactic.
    You responded beautifully IMO. Sounds like you're finding your way "out" and feeling far more confident than you were just a few months ago.

  2. You have a right to be proud and of course your parents are going to die because everyone dies! My mother has played the death card since before she was my age (67) and at 90 she still around!

    I quite often just let the phone ring these day and remind myself, "I own the phone, it doesn't own ME!" This way I get to control communication and am available when I CHOOSE to be. Texts and emails are easily controlled as well by reading them when I feel like it.

    I'm so glad to read that you are learning to take back your life at such a young age. The world is waiting for you. Go get it kiddo!

  3. Go you!! Congratulations on not jumping when she said jump. That is so huge. It's sad to realize how messed up your childhood is, but it's also a relief to know it really was awful. And doesn't that sound crazy? Yes, it's a relief to know you're not unreasonable in thinking there was something wrong. Keep fighting for you!

  4. I totally get the feeling of being proud when validated!! Even for such a weird, bad thing. Because it IS validation.

    You weren't wrong! You were right all along! Shit was weird your whole life! YOU WERE RIGHT!

    You were right to feel frightened, sad, lonely, depressed - even though THEY told you it was wrong, YOU WERE RIGHT ALL ALONG!

    I'm feeling proud and happy for you too. Validation and Relief are the BEST feelings.

  5. Knowing my childhood was a mess felt like a huge relief. Yup it is weird but oh so validating. I accepted that I wasn't a weird little kid. I was a little kid trying to survive in a weird world. Good for you deciding when and how you will take communication. Cheering at my computer. :)

  6. Awesome, all around. And I like your attitude about potential setbacks, too... just another step. :)


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