Friday, January 4, 2013

Holidays, phone issues

We have spent Christmas with DB's family due to health issues. The first thing his mother told us, when we told them that we could be either here or there was, that she loves us no matter what, and we do what is best for us now. NM started with accusing us that we didn't spend the holidays there and started guilt tripping.

I have called her that night to wish happy holidays, but she was cold and claimed that she had to spend the holidays completely alone (despite EF standing next to her).

After that, we were there almost every day until New Year's Day.

Yesterday she called me and I didn't want to deal with her (since we met already in the morning), so I didn't pick the phone up. And as it has happened before, in a few hours I became suicidal, and could do nothing more than sit in my room and pray not to kill myself.

Today, EF whammed at me as her best flying monkey, that I was rude and impolite lately, because I didn't call on New Year's Eve, didn't return NM's yesterday, and her text message today at dawn. That I texted her on New Year's Eve, that we spent half day there on New Year's Day, that I spent two hours at their place yesterday did not matter.

Today, I have called NM to ask why she called yesterday. Guess what. I was guilt tripped, emotional blackmailed, she was sobbing, claiming that I was cold as ice, that I was not loving, not kind, that I was commanding her like some policeman, that she can never reach me, that she wants some solution that she could always reach me whenever she wanted to and that she would leave notes on my door if I don't pick up the phone at 7AM. And also asked me whether I use my phone only for them to reach me or whether anyone else knows my number (I didn't even understand this question). I replied that I wanted respect, that I am asleep at night and that I have done nothing else but listen to her in all my life. And that I do not have time for this since I have to work, so either she tells me what she wanted yesterday, or I have to go back to my responsibilities. Of course she didn't tell me, just went on with how inaccessible, unloving and cruel I was. I told her that I had no more time for this, that I had to go and hung up. Not five minutes have passed, and NM has already called me twice.

Again, I'm the evil one.

I'm completely freaked out. This is downright scary, and I have absolutely no idea what to do. I have goosebumps all over and I'm shaking and panicking.

I have this feeling in my gut that she will attempt suicide today.


  1. First, no one is responsible for another person's happiness or suicide. Her behaviour seems way beyond engulfing and is more like smothering. NO ONE has a a right to demand access to you 24/7 via phone or otherwise.

    IMO: Block her number, unplug the phone, change your number and email, do what is needed to protect YOURSELF from both your NM and your EF.

    Have you moved out of their building yet?

  2. Scatha, this sounds awful. I wish I had something to offer you. I'm thinking of you.

  3. Repeat to yourself: "I am not responsible for my mother's behavior or out-of-whack feelings."

    You need to take care of yourself. Should she attempt suicide, of bet it would be a faux act intended to grab your sympathy and attention. Nothing you could do or say, even if you bent over and took everything from her and became her kowtowing slave, would be enough. And you'd lose yourself in the process. Don't blame yourself for her insanity. It's not your job to take care of her lack of self-awareness.

    I understand how spending time dealing with your mother could take you back to suicidal thoughts. Whenever I used to deal withy parents, it would take weeks for my ramped up anxiety to come back down. It made my husband nuts to see how they affected me. But he also knew telling me to "get over it" was not helpful. Time away from them usually brought me back to more even-keel.

    Hang in there. It's not you; it's them.

  4. Scatha, I'm so pleased you hung up on her (that's progress!) and hope she didn't rattle you too much. You do realize her demands re: your time/attention are outrageous, right? Typically when you start to pull away from NPs and establish your autonomy there is a back-lash in an attempt to keep you enmeshed. In my experience, LC (Limited Contact) was more challenging than NC; as a result I cut off the phone route for communication because I'd always get ambushed. The letter writing allowed me to ponder my response or ignore all together.
    The suicide thing? Oh c'mon. Typical emotional manipulation that gets pulled out by the NP-how transparent. You're not responsible for her life-or death-in ANY way. It's like a tantrum-throwing child saying, "I'm gonna hold my breath until I die!"
    Uh huh ;) Sounds like you've been down this route/threat with her before?

    1. I went the LC, letter writing route for a year and it omly served to delay the inevitable NC. The written responses were not responses at all, just more guilt and gaslighting.

  5. Thank you for all your answers. I start to agree with you that no one has right to have access to me 24/7, nor my energy or resources. I think this is a progress, that I'm now capable of thinking that not being available all the time is a valid option for me. DB has also reinforced that I am progressing, and this means a lot to me.

    It struck me how many of you wrote that her well-being is not my responsibility. I have been living my whole life knowing this as a fact, that I was responsible for everyone's emotions, mental state and even physical illnesses. I still have to internalize this.

    The suicide part: It has always been an upcoming issue, that I was responsible for my parents' lives. I was accused of killing EF (he is still alive and OK though), I was accused of causing EF and NM a terminal illness, and I am repeatedly told that I am the sole cause, meaning and goal of NM's life, well, not "I" am, but the person she wants me to be. Every time I did something she did not like (wearing my hear differently, loving a boy she did not approve of, etc) she theatrically took some pills she referred to as "crazy pills" and made sure that I knew that she was depressed and going insane because of me. She never said it, she just implied, as usual.

    I am still struggling with normal contact, or at least trying to find out what normal would mean for me.

    And to be honest, I start to get more and more anxious that neither of them tried to contact me yet. This usually means something unbearable coming.


Comments are welcome!