I have been bombarded with requests from NM during the past few weeks.
They are renovating a kitchen and since they are living in a very small apartment (just as I do), it will be full with dust, etc. NM told me that they will ask their friend down the street to be able to sleep at their place, but she wants to cook their food at my place. Additional fun: the people who will be renovating their kitchen are the parents of EXNB. I guess cooking at my place will involve inviting them over for happy family lunches and dinners. Without my consent. And my whole apartment will be constantly criticized.
I was told that I have two days to take my piano from their living room wherever I want to (until now they were quite happy to have it) or they will throw it away, or it will be ruined by the dust anyway. It is a very old grand piano, so now I have to pay a lot for it to be transferred to my place, and had to spend the whole weekend with DB rearranging furniture and other stuff to make a space for it. Before I was informed about this short deadline, we were under an agreement, that we have a year to transfer it, and to prepare everything beforehand.
(for the last part, a bit of background info:)
(Legally, I'm only a co-owner at NM and EF's company. That means that I don't have any
responsibility for what NM and EF do, but I don't get any money out of
it either. I don't work there, I don't really get any benefits out of it
(other than it might be useful to have some background if I don't find a
job after maternity leave, if ever). They do work there and make all
the decisions.
NM is the owner. She has cancelled the contract with her last client a few days ago because she was 'fed up with them', so now only EF has clients. This decision has put them in a really bad financial situation. Moreover, they still have to pay tax after NM even if she does not get any income, since she does not have any other job.)
For the last request, NM sent EF to communicate it with me, I guess she didn't have the guts for it. They want me to take over the official ownership of their small company for a year, because then they wouldn't have to pay tax after NM. The official ownership would mean that I would still not get any benefits, or money, but I would have to be financially responsible for all their decisions. And in this company form, 'financially responsible' means that if they make a mistake, everything that I own (house, car, deposits, clothes, you name it) can be taken away, and more. Oh, and this responsibility lasts for five more years even after I resign.
I am absolutely sure that when I will say no for this, I will be the black sheep who forces her parents to starve to death, and into poverty. This will be held against me, until I die. Maybe even after that.
But I will not take the risk of her messing something up in the company and losing everything I have. No way. Fortunately, DB supports me in this decision also. He said that if they really need help, we can give them food, or a few dollars, but that it would be suicide to take the company ownership. I agree with him.
But I still feel overwhelmed.
Scatha, of course 'no" to taking financial responsibility for the company. Of course. And NO, they cannot "cook food" at your place. They can eat out for a few weeks or eat at friends. Honestly, this is crazy to expect to be able to prepare their meals at your small apartment. It's their decision to renovate their kitchen. My NF asked me once if I would take ownership of his small airplane (he and plane live in another state) in case he crashed, so his NW wouldn't be "liable" in a lawsuit for damages. They are "deep pockets" and he wanted to "protect our estate." I am pocket lint. If I owned it, and he crashed it, I could be sued and go bankrupt. He said, and I quote verbatim "NW would set you back up financially." I said "Jesus, Dad, I could be prosecuted for fraud!" He hemmed and hawed and said we'd discuss it later. Needless to say, I said "no." SAY NO SCATHA
ReplyDeleteGeez... They really are alike.
DeleteI'm happy for you that you could also say no. :)
Can you believe that? If I'd owned the plane on paper, living in another state, and he crashed it and I got sued, not only would it destroy my reputation and bankrupt me, and garner my future earnings, but it would complicate the grief I would have over the crash. I pointed this out to him. He really just kind of changed the subject, saying we'd 'revisit' the topic. I was gobsmacked that he could ask me such a thing, and not care about what it would do my life, my career, my LIFE. jaaaayyysssusss
DeleteA few years later he flew it into telephone wires, miraculously managed not to crash (he was a good pilot), and the plane was damaged. He was traumatized and sold the thing. But this was after he'd asked me to take ownership (ie, liability). jeeeeeeeeeessssssussssss
Learning that "NO" is a complete sentence was a tough one for me, but one that has changed my life. In other words, I say "NO" without any accompanying explanation which gives people no chance to argue with my reasoning.
ReplyDeleteMaybe you'll be lucky like I was and they'll never speak to you again.
BTW If they're as broke as they like to let on, how are they paying for the reno?
^^There it is, courtesy of CS and mulderfan.
ReplyDeleteMN did NOT send EF because she is a gutless wonder: Remember, this is the woman who is the World Record Holder for the longest Colonoscopy because there was just so much of it, it took WEEKS to get through the entire length. She sent EF figuring he was a better manipulator than her in view of the fact you're closer to him which she resents the hell out of unless she can use it to her advantage. This was to HER advantage. And when she starts the "starve into poverty/death" she will be speaking to your departing back/dead phone line/closed door.
They can stay at the cottage while renovations are underway. No, they are NOT coming to your place for ANYTHING and while you're moving the piano, grab anything else you have there and vow to NEVER darken their doorstep again. Yes, I realize you live in a duplex set-up. Lots of people do and they do NOT freely enter one another's places. That's in part because doors have locks on them and they're used regularly.
As long as you're practicing the magic word "NO" with the company stuff, just keep saying it: It gets easier with practice. You started saying this when you were about 2 or 3 and haven't had an opportunity since, so you're making up for lost time. ;)
TW
I totally forgot the poor destitute pair have a cottage! TW is spot on on!
Delete"NO, and if cooking/sleeping is a problem go to your cottage!"
Please, please tell me they don't have a key to your apartment! But if they do, get the locks changed. It would be even better if, while your were moving the piano, you moved yourself to another apartment building.
If this was a date you could at least expect dinner and drinks and maybe even a smoke afterwards.
ReplyDeleteI like all these suggestions... 'No' works wonders. It is amazing what they will whine about and if you step back magically another solution will appear. May I suggest be kind to yourself, don't let them make you their fall guy. Hugs...It does get easier. :)
ReplyDeleteRestaurants are great for providing food, and they are paid for the time and trouble and clean up. If you benefit in no way being part owner of the business, why are you invested at all? Cheering for you to take care of you and say, "No."
ReplyDeleteJust want to add my 2 cents on "no" being a complete sentence.
ReplyDeleteJust Say No. Or if you prefer, Hell NO.
ReplyDeleteRequests? N's don't make requests! Demands, OtOH....
ReplyDeleteThank you for all the comments and support!
ReplyDeleteYesterday, I've talked to EF and said NO.
He asked me about the whys, I've told him that if I can, we will help them with DB, but no way will we risk everything we have.
mulderfan: My best guess is that they go with their usual scenario: getting loan from someone and then having a very hard time paying it back because they don't have the necessary income for that. And then whining to everyone how poor they are. But since NM likes to act as if she had more money than she does, she cannot resist these things.
I've had to listen to her whining last December about how they will not be able to renovate the kitchen for the rest of their lives because they gave me money as a gift to pay back some loan for my apartment. So I was quite surprised that they got the money for the renovations so fast.
And yes, they have keys to my apartment. I'm going to change at least one of the locks.
Good on YOU , scatha!
ReplyDeleteJust a hint: After the "No," that's the END of the "discussion" and here's why: If you don't end it there, it gives them more to "work with." In this case you followed up with, "If I CAN we will help them with the DB..." That was "heard" as, "They WILL help us." And DB is now roped into "Helping" so NM can pick his pocket as well. You didn't commit yourself to helping, but you've BEEN committed to help in their world of selective hearing/interpreting. That's why you don't want to JADE (Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain) because that's what they'll use to keep the "discussion" going to wear you down, guilt you into something you don't want to do, twist your response into what they want to hear etc. See mulderfan's response from Sept. 3rd, 1:56PM on this; IMO, it's really an important point. As an adult, you don't owe anyone an explanation for any of your decisions. This is a real challenge. Having that "NO" hang in the air followed by silence takes practice, but you're on your way. If I felt I HAD to say something to shut down the whining (when I was first practicing this "NO" word) I just snapped, "Because I SAID SO!" and walked away. (Whew, they surely were NOT expecting that from the normally polite TW!)
Hey, as long as you're lock changing, why not go for broke? They/NM won't be any more angry/upset/indignant over one lock than they will be over all of them. So that way you can get the "outrage" over in one N-Explosion! ;) Sounds like NM is quite the typically demanding, entitled spend-thrift. Her fiscal irresponsibility is not your problem to "fix" either.
Again, Congrats scatha. It really does get easier over time and that "NO" word is your "best friend vocabulary word" for dealing with all kinds of demanding people especially the Ns, the Kings and Queens of Demand-On-Command.
TW
TW
The "NO" is a complete sentence definitely takes a bit of practice, so I started by using it with "normal" people and worked my way up (down may be more appropriate). Now, it's my favourite word!
DeleteYou're right TW, any explanation is either twisted, seen as a weakness or used as an opening for an argument or rage. Might as well get "doormat" tattooed on your forehead!
After I told them no, (with the additional doormat-explanation, as mulderfan depicted it - pretty correctly actually), I went home and I was literally shaking with anxiety. I had to focus for hours so that I don't call them and tell them that I was happy to take over the company. I was terrified. And then it slowly became less intense.
ReplyDeleteIt is a huge step for me, that I didn't take every "no" back that I've said.
They wanted me to water the flowers for them when EXNB's father is there, working in the kitchen (and they will be on holiday, as it seems). I've said no.
I still have to learn to say NO without further explanation. It is more difficult than I thought.
scatha, This is going to be IMO one of the greatest challenges you'll face. At least it was for me. Yes, I shook with anxiety as well and as you experienced it dissipated over a few hours. (That's our bodies in their "Fight or Flight" mode biochemically.)
ReplyDeleteHow "convenient" they'll be "on holiday" during the renovations! So much for "poverty" no?! ;)
TW