I developed this numb shell around me. I dread happiness, because I feel that something extremely bad will happen to me as soon as I dare to feel good. And when I am sad, if I'm really sad, I become numb and my mind literally shuts down. I don't feel, I don't think, I don't notice the world around myself, and I am literally unable to move. This was the only way I could survive my teens, when NM had these emotional torture sessions with me that lasted for 5-6 hours each. My therapist told me that it seems, that I revert to my half-one year old self.
I had maniac depression for years during my early twenties. Then another period, that ended almost a year ago now, and I barely survived it. The only thing that kept me from killing myself for almost a decade was listening to music.
I had interesting discussions about the types of music people listen to when they are down. I always felt alone with listening to deeply sad, depressing or disturbing music when I was depressed. Everyone around me listened to cheerful happy music when they were sad. For me, listening to uplifting music when I can barely stop myself from suicide is mere torture.
I never understood why I was so different from anyone else, until I have realized from the discussions on your blogs, that it might be because I was otherwise forbidden to feel. Music was the only way for me to express the feelings I couldn't. To live the feelings that I couldn't display on my face through other people's feelings, through their art.
Somehow I always feel a certain urge to listen to music that pushes my emotional amplitudes way out of the normal borders. And that is the only way I could find to survive, or to be able to function normally. So, if I feel abandoned, I listen to songs about abandonment. If I feel depressed, I listen to songs about depression. If I feel lonely, I listen to songs about loneliness. And it somehow puts everything in the right place in my head after a while. (While can equal to months sometimes, but still...)
Some people even called me a masochist for doing that. But it works for me. Even if the music is triggering, or makes my feelings stronger or more extreme, it soothes me.
I wanted to share a song with you. I have found this artist when we separated with EXNB. I believe that her songs (especially the lyrics) are ones that people with narcissistic parents or partners can deeply understand and relate to:
Unter Null - Broken Heart Cliche
Do you have the same experience/feelings with music? Listening to something that amplifies your feelings rather than listening to something that is the opposite of your feelings?
I was a child prodigy at a very young age, and they decided to take me to music school. I had two lives from kindergarten: the "normal" life - school, and the "music" life - the music studies. For some reason back then I was allowed tp decide what instrument to start to learn playing.
I was otherwise a social outcast. Since I didn't have any time to make friends after school (I had all these extracurricular activities that I chose for myself: playing two instruments, musical theory classes, orchestra, writing, pottery, ballet - I was 9 back then). I had an IQ a lot higher than that of my peers, and I wanted to learn everything in the world. I didn't realize that it also made it impossible to make friends. I didn't know how to do so anyway, and my parents did not warn me that having 7 separate extracurricular classes was somewhat unhealthy.
EF loved music. I grew up on Beatles, Bee Gees, Electric Light Orchesra, ABBA, Deep Purple, Pink Floyd, and a lot others. NM hated music, so it was not allowed around her. This resulted in me and EF growing close to each other, talking about music. And she couldn't participate. Then I slowly developed my very wide own musical taste (ranging from classical music to hardcore industrial noise), and she hated all. I introduced new bands and styles to EF and he loved them. NM claimed that we formed a secret alliance against her and were laughing at her behind her back, plotting evil plans against her.
When I reached the age of 14, I still didn't know how to make friends, and was planning to become a musician. I had to change teachers for personal reasons, and NM, using my emotional turmoil, managed to convince me to go to a "normal" highschool, where I would not become a "dumb musician and could actually make a living". But I continued my music classes along with highschool.
And now here I am, playing in a reknown classical orchestra, and leading my own rock band at my workplace. The meaning of my life. The reason for me to live. My love. My dream come true. My everything.
NM refers to these projects, especially my own, with hatred, disgust and spits venom every time I mention them. EF is proud of me and listens to every song I compose.
And when I play, those are the "true happiness and peace" moments of my life.