Now I'm sort of able to cry in front of DB, but the extreme shame and humiliation inside still persists. And I still start hiding, as the pain (the reason for crying) grows.
My first memories of crying are all the same, and I guess this can be the reason behind my feelings or reactions.
I remember falling, or something happening to one of my favorite toys, bruising myself, or anything like that, that can make a small child (around the age of 2-3) cry. And then I would run to my NM, cuddle up in her lap, crying. First, she would hug me and stroke my hair, for a few minutes, and then I always felt that she became more and more annoyed that I was still crying. And then, she started either telling me jokes or funny stories, or making fun of the whole situation, or acting extremely happy, laughing, and acting like as if nothing has happened, or at least that it wasn't important. And I remember explaining her, that I didn't need jokes, I didn't need being ridiculed or laughed at, that I didn't need invalidation. That I needed comforting, compassion and needed her to make me feel better again. She then explained that she was trying to do that, making me feel better with the means of somehow diverting my thoughts from the event that made me sad. I have tried to tell her a few times that that really did not work for me, because I remembered exactly that I fell, because it hurt. And that I did not need anything else but her comfort, and then I would be OK in a few minutes. And then, she started to make word jokes from the word 'comfort', which is quite easy in my language.
Then I realized, that I had no chance for receiving any comfort from her. And every time I cried, I have tried begging for it nonetheless. And felt more and more humiliated, because I just couldn't 'decide' to stop crying, and I felt that it was an obligation that I could not fulfill.
In my teens, I was forced to cry in front of her, until I learned how not to cry even in the saddest situations. She would sense that I was desperate, that tears were forming in my eyes, and started staring right in my face (if I hid my face, she forced me to look at here), and asking in a mocking and condescending tone, loud enough for everyone around to hear: "Oh my, do I see that you are crying? You ARE crying!
And then everyone would stare at me, and I wished I could just disappear.
And no comfort followed, no validation. Only her fake surprised face, that 1) I was crying at all, and 2) that I was crying over such nonsense as my boyfriend unexpectedly breaking up with me, losing one of my best friends, or failing an exam that was very important for me.
The last two times she saw me crying and the telling me "are you STILL crying? oh my god, you can't be serious, c'mon, get over it already" was
- A week after EXNB (I was still madly in love with him) and I have been separated, he moved out of my apartment where we have been living together for 4 years and me learning that he was cheating on me while claiming that he was still deeply in love with me, wanted to marry me and have a family together.
- A week after the death of DP, whom I lived together with for 12 years, and who was THE most important and most loved person in my life.