Saturday, August 4, 2012

Text message from NM at midnight

I guess this is the other shoe. A hook. I've received this text at midnight(!) while we were spending our last night together (before his travel) with DB.

"We are waiting for you, to spend a 'party weekend' together at the family week-end house! Take the bus and come! Contact us, by all means! :D Kisses"

My FOO knows that DB is leaving today. NM tries to convince me, us, every week that we should go to the week-end house together and spend the weekend there. When we wanted to spend the weekend there, alone, she sabotaged our plans, despite the fact that I had an agreement with EF that we could go, and they wouldn't.

And now, she couldn't even wait for him to leave. I guess she thinks that now DB is 'out of the way', she can lure me in and
  1. prove that he prevents me and NM from seeing each other 
  2. do whatever she wants to do to me, because DB would not be there to intervene, (EF does not intervene, ever) and we would be secluded at a godforsaken place in the countryside (which is really romantic and peaceful and beautiful, without her), with no transportation means other than their car, and a bus that only stops there once a day.

And all these exclamation marks, and the smiley at the end, the imperative voice of the sirens. Even in a text message she can make me feel that I have absolutely no choice but to do what she wants me to.

Another thought was that she sent the message at midnight to purposefully interrupt either us having sex, or our sleep (and DB told her yesterday, that he would be leaving at dawn and would not have enough time to sleep anyway), or whatever we were trying to do with our last moments together.

DB has been thinking about the message all night long, and in the morning, he told me that both the timing and the location are very fishy, and that he is worried about me, that she would want to hurt me. And that I could go if I wanted to, but he doesn't think it would be the best idea.

I tend to agree with him. And still, I hear the voices at the back of my brain (maybe she only wants to have a good time with you, maybe she won't do anything to you, you'll hurt them if you say no, it'll only get worse later if you say no).

Argh! I hate this. I hate this.


  1. "it'll only get worse if I say no." Wow have I ever felt that way. I also hate the feeling of no matter what I do the consequences will be unpleasant. I view these as a pick your problems situation. Hope you have a great weekend while missing DB. Took me a while to realize that sadness could intermingle with happiness. Strange feeling.

  2. "prove that he prevents me and NM from seeing each other" and
    "do whatever she wants to do to me, because DB would not be there to intervene"
    My NM went to extremes with this. Her reaction when I called to tell her my husband had just died was, "Good. Now you can see us more often." and then the abuse escalated beyond anything I had experienced since before my marriage.

    Remember there is no such thing as "have to" in a healthy relationship. This stems from the guilt feelings laid on you by people who plan to use and abuse you. Life is far too short and fragile to waste it on anything other than "want to".

    So go ahead and say NO! Things will get worse either way but at least you'll have your "self" intact and you won't be stuck with your NM's company.

  3. I second Mulderfan. Say no. I well remember these tactics with NMIL, in fact, she's still pulling them, well over a year after we've gone NC. ("Oh you guys can use my timeshare if you want! No strings attached! We won't be there, of course, but I just thought you might want to use it! LOVEEEEE YOUUOUUUU, MOOOMMMMMY") Uck. I wanted to say, "Take your "vacation house" and shove it, Lady."

    And always with the tricks to try and get DH alone, and then turning it around and saying I'M the one who isn't "allowing" DH to see them.

    They don't leave you too many "fair" choices do they? It's either, don't do what they want and get badmouthed, blamed, and conned; or do what they want and lose your own self-respect and happiness (because they'll find ways to make you miserable anyway.)

    My thought is that you're right about all of it: the completely inappropriate timing of the text message (midnight? Come on, NO ONE has the right to do that); the fact that she knew DB would be leaving (NMIL once sent DH an email about how much she "missed" him just moments before he had to leave for a long business doubt she was hoping he'd get it, not tell me about it, and then call her/email her/text her, whatever once he was no longer around me).

    She's backed you into a corner, but there is a way out. And I think that way out is by saying "Thanks, but no thanks." To all of it: the manipulation, the boundary crossing, and the "offer" for you to go on a little weekend trip with her.

  4. My parents did something similar last year. They had been promising to visit our house for years. They cancelled or never committed until I mentioned that in 3 days my husband would be going out of town for the weekend. Suddenly they were on the way. My mother hates last minute plans but not that time.

    It was predictable. I knew the minute I wrote that husband would be out of town, they'd be available.

    My mother couldn't leave fast enough when she knew he was on his way home.

    1. So typical. Their MO is always to get their targets alone. They want you at your "weakest," and without your best supporter around to help you.

  5. You are absolutely correct in your analysis. But I'm interested in " will only get worse later if you say no."
    Would you feel comfortable expanding on this thought a bit? Everything in your life has bought you to where you are today: All those experiences, all those "scenes," all your FEELINGS and PERCEPTIONS are here to inform your thinking, Little One.
    The future is not guaranteed for any of us. The present informs our reality in all it's unvarnished truth. I ignored that reality at my peril, every single time. But that's just my experience and we're all different and dare I add, unique?
    So what would be "worse" for you? I don't mean to be intrusive at all. It always helped me if I could "horrible-ize" in good, understanding "company." ;)

    1. Worse meaning endless verbal abuse, or her abusing EF, threatening me and my unborn children and trying to do everything to undermine my relationship with DB and everyone else around me.

      The 'death by thousand (verbal) needles'

      She usually still manages to surprise me and even if I expect the worst and if I'm prepared to her attacks, she comes up with something new.

    2. What could be worse than being caught in an never ending cycle of abuse? I speak from experience, when I tell you having FINALLY broken that cycle I have NEVER been more self-confident and happy!

    3. That's the fear that they've taught you - that the punishment for saying "no" will be far worse than what you'll have to deal with if you just collude with whatever the hell they want...

      "threatening me and my unborn children and trying to do everything to undermine my relationship with DB and everyone else around me." In my opinion, she's already doing those things, just undercover. What she'll do if you say "no" to her tactics of manipulation is make those tactics more overt.

  6. Thanks for the comments and the encouragement.

    I have texted back to her, saying NO, thanking her for the invite, and lying to her about being out of town. She doesn't need to know where I am or what I am doing.

    I guess she'll still try to 'punish' me on Sunday night, when she knows I have to be at home, since I'm working on Monday, but I don't give a sh*t. I'll have a nice weekend without her.

    1. When you say NO to a narcissist never explain. They see it as a sign of weakness. Bonus: No need to sink to their level by lying.

      I've recently realized NO is a complete sentence!

    2. I guess I still need plenty of practice here. Thanks for all these. :)

    3. Mulderfan is so right...the best thing to do is be honest...and start to learn that no means no, and you don't have to explain it! It's just, "No thank you." (Period).

      But keep practicing. No doubt you'll get plenty of opportunities and you'll keep getting better at it.

      If you're interested, I'd love to recommend a book to you that really helped me deal with the narcs in my life: Who's Pulling Your Strings by Harriet B. Braiker. It was (almost literally) a life saver for me and I think it might help you as well.

  7. Yk, you CAN turn off the electronics Sun. night. That really IS a viable option. Get a good night's sleep before the beginning of the work week.
    You sound really fearful of her and what she "might do."
    Thoughts? Feelings?

    1. Last time she threatened me, that she will make my children hate me and love her instead. And I know she is capable of it. What she did to me, her own daughter, what will she do to them?

      I'm trapped between wanting my kids to know their grandfather and that she is there.

      No, I don't have kids yet. But we are talking about it with DB.

      I'm afraid for them, and my relationship with DB. She made it very clear, that she will do everything to undermine our relationship.

    2. After a good night's sleep, I suggest you calmly reread and reflect on what you have written here. Ask yourself if you would tolerate the stalking and threats from an acquaintance or would you end the relationship?

      IMO You would not only run like hell in the other direction, you'd probably also seek a restraining order.

      When you have children, it will be your job to protect them from toxic people like your NM AND EF. Yes, I include your EF! Any man who would enable a sick bitch like your NM in order to protect himself is not entitled to be called a grandfather!

      If your relationship with DB is solid, I doubt that your NM can interfere. She knows that better than you do or she would not be trying to get you alone.

      The sooner you disentangle from this sick pair the easier it will be!

  8. I also felt like no required an explanation. Very empowering to learn that no means just that, explanation not required. It does take practice. Saying no to small unemotional situations with a safe person is a great start. I practiced with waitresses at a restaurant. If they took my no politely, I paid extra on the tip. Kind of a reward for allowing me to practice no without an excuse. Most of them were very gracious. Good for you to claim your weekend as your own. Enjoy. :)

  9. Please don't take offense.
    But.... if this was from my mother. "Party Week-end" would be code for...
    don't worry, no matter what old boyfriend's of yours I invite over from before he showed up and ruined things between us, and no matter how drunk I get you, I won't allow you to do anything stupid like end up in bed with one of the guys I approved of and pushed on you before he came along and screwed up everything by being a kind and attentive husband.
    But there is only so much I can do. If you get over whelmed by the vast superiority of the men I picked out for you from your better days (the ones when HE wasn't around) and you do something stupid that I will lord over your head and your marriage for ever more, don't blame me.
    I did all I could to sabotage you guys from the beginning and damned if you didn't end up married any way.
    You know me for what I am, and you'll have only yourself to blame for getting close enough for me to take another shot at ruining your life.

    I am not trying being a smart ass. I mentioned one time about my mothers mental time bombs. This would be one.

    And even if all that went on is that the two of you play scrabble alone all week-end, my mother would find a way to make it sound cheap and tawdry. And present it in a way that prevents your husband from taking any delight that his wife had a nice time catching up with her mother.
    I doubt if your mother is the loose cannon mine is.
    But don't count on it.

  10. I would like to strike the last line of my comment. If your mother is mean enough to tell you she will make your kids hate you and love her instead, that's about as low as you can go.
    And crazy too.
    Don't you want to stop them mid sentence and ask them to listen to themselves?
    Listen and actually hear the words they are spewing.
    Even if it is a bunch of hot air from an old wind bag, the best you can make from it is she wants to cut you to the bone with her words.
    I know the week end is about over and you expressed no intent to go see her.
    But this will never be over. She lost this battle, but for her, this is a long and strategic war. If she has her way, the first prisoners she will eventually take are going to be your children.

    1. Well said Q: "You know me for what I am" and "this will never be over".

      A counselor explained it this way: If you knock on your neighbour's door and they surprise you with a punch in the face, who is at fault? If you go back the next day and the next and the next...each time getting punched in the face, now who is at fault?

      Problem is BOTH of your parents have conditioned you to believe you deserve an emotional punch in the face! Your future children will be conditioned exactly the same way.

      My daughter was always the "golden" grandchild but as soon as she showed signs of being an independent adult my NPs started emotionally punching her in the face. Thankfully, she sees right through them and has walked away.

      You DESERVE to be happy simply by virtue of being born!

      BTW, Q my NF doesn't need to be told to listen to himself. He carefully chooses words to maximize the hurt they inflict on his "loved" ones. I know this because he is never cruel or unkind to those outside of the family. NF is seen as a kindly, gentle old man with an unfeeling monster for a daughter. Ask me if I care!

  11. Mulderfan. Do you care? HAHAHA I think not!

  12. She will "Make your children HATE YOU?" scatha, Are these the WORDS of a LOVING PARENT? She is attempting to undermine/sabotage your relationship with your BF? Are these the ACTIONS of a LOVING PARENT? Or one that is remotely NORMAL? To stand by and WATCH your SPOUSE attempt to DESTROY YOUR CHILD? Is EF NOT equally CULPABLE?

    scatha, The ONLY "Power" either of these people have is that which YOU have RELINQUISHED to THEM. And you can reclaim it when ever you get ready. The future prospect of exposing ANY child to these two is to ensure your child/children will endure the same pattern of behavior and maltreatment as you have. scatha, When you were a little girl, she WAS the "all-powerful" figure. You are now an ADULT. She has none of that power to force you to do a damn thing-without your consent. Please just think on that last sentence for awhile, Little One: It IS true, no?


Comments are welcome!