I don't even know what to say about it or how to phrase it. For some, it might mean nothing. For me, it meant the whole world and it has happened a very long time ago.
It is a mutual burden and blessing at the same time, that I share with a person whom I haven't seen for more than half of my life. NM knew about it because back then I didn't know I wasn't supposed to share deeply personal things with her. I was very sad at that time, and she, instead of showing empathy or compassion, was screaming at me.
I thought this person has forgot it a long time ago. I built my whole life (and my insecurities and walls and many of my dysfunctions) around this thought. I've learned recently that this person has cared about this as much as I did, if not more, and that it was never forgotten.
This new knowledge made my world turn completely upside down and it almost crashed me. I was extremely happy and extremely devastated at the same time. I have realized that all this time, while I was thinking that we were not communicating because of the sad parts, it was never forgotten. I was never forgotten. I was never alone. And someone cared about me all that time. And I did care, as well.
I thought that was it and I was to go on with my life, and I could build my new foundations on this newly received peace, forgiveness and redemption. I didn't know however, that NM would learn about it.
This person was as shocked and as happy and as puzzled and as relieved as I am, and really really needed to tell this to someone after years and years of silence: someone who can be trusted. And just happened to meet NM after a long time, and spend time together, without knowing that she could cause more harm than good to me. And as a result, NM now knows about this secret. She acted as a very understanding and empathic and loving woman when she heard it, and gave her promise not to ever mention this conversation to me.
I called her after learning that she knows, but she acted as nothing happened. She didn't even mention it. So she might have been honest, or she might have other plans.
Me and DB, we will meet NM soon in person. I wonder whether she is really capable of some empathy and spare me, just once in my lifetime, or...
...or whether she realized that now has the perfect weapon to ruin my life forever, including my relationship with DB. And for this, she only has to tell him what she learned.
The only thing I can protect myself with is that DB knows she cannot be trusted, so he trusts me more. And therefore, I can hope that she does tell him, and then I tell him that she was lying, he would believe.
This would be the last thing I would ever want to do. I have promised myself that he would know everything about me and that I would always want to be honest with him. And I never ever thought that this past event would come and haunt me. I can say that I could almost make myself believe that it never existed.
I can't tell you what the secret is, because it would reveal my
identity. It is nothing illegal, nothing wrong, it was just a situation that is very
personal and that I wanted to forget forever. And that now affects my
present, even though I thought it never would.
I'll know in a few days, whether NM is capable of empathy towards me or whether she really wants to destroy me.
I'm trying to hope that NM will not talk about this, but deep inside, I'm scared sh*tless.