Thursday, July 11, 2013

The lifelong secret

I don't even know what to say about it or how to phrase it. For some, it might mean nothing. For me, it meant the whole world and it has happened a very long time ago.

It is a mutual burden and blessing at the same time, that I share with a person whom I haven't seen for more than half of my life. NM knew about it because back then I didn't know I wasn't supposed to share deeply personal things with her. I was very sad at that time, and she, instead of showing empathy or compassion, was screaming at me.

I thought this person has forgot it a long time ago. I built my whole life (and my insecurities and walls and many of my dysfunctions) around this thought. I've learned recently that this person has cared about this as much as I did, if not more, and that it was never forgotten.

This new knowledge made my world turn completely upside down and it almost crashed me. I was extremely happy and extremely devastated at the same time. I have realized that all this time, while I was thinking that we were not communicating because of the sad parts, it was never forgotten. I was never forgotten. I was never alone. And someone cared about me all that time. And I did care, as well.

I thought that was it and I was to go on with my life, and I could build my new foundations on this newly received peace, forgiveness and redemption. I didn't know however, that NM would learn about it.

This person was as shocked and as happy and as puzzled and as relieved as I am, and really really needed to tell this to someone after years and years of silence: someone who can be trusted. And just happened to meet NM after a long time, and spend time together, without knowing that she could cause more harm than good to me. And as a result, NM now knows about this secret. She acted as a very understanding and empathic and loving woman when she heard it, and gave her promise not to ever mention this conversation to me.

I called her after learning that she knows, but she acted as nothing happened. She didn't even mention it. So she might have been honest, or she might have other plans.

Me and DB, we will meet NM soon in person. I wonder whether she is really capable of some empathy and spare me, just once in my lifetime, or...

...or whether she realized that now has the perfect weapon to ruin my life forever, including my relationship with DB. And for this, she only has to tell him what she learned.

The only thing I can protect myself with is that DB knows she cannot be trusted, so he trusts me more. And therefore, I can hope that she does tell him, and then I tell him that she was lying, he would believe.

This would be the last thing I would ever want to do. I have promised myself that he would know everything about me and that I would always want to be honest with him. And I never ever thought that this past event would come and haunt me. I can say that I could almost make myself believe that it never existed.

I can't tell you what the secret is, because it would reveal my identity. It is nothing illegal, nothing wrong, it was just a situation that is very personal and that I wanted to forget forever. And that now affects my present, even though I thought it never would.

I'll know in a few days, whether NM is capable of empathy towards me or whether she really wants to destroy me.

I'm trying to hope that NM will not talk about this, but deep inside, I'm scared sh*tless.


  1. Hugs...something I learned from my marriage counselor that may or may not be helpful to this situation. There are things about my past that I finally remembered. I believe some of them would harm my relationship with my husband. My counselor advised to only tell him if it would strengthen our relationship since the events were in my past. Past events need not define who you are today. Your choice. I am hoping your NM shows some compassion but I also know that is not always the case with narcissistic parents.

  2. If you are counting on a narc to take the high road you will be disappointed.

  3. I think Ruth's advice is great, IF no one who wishes to hurt you knows your secret. Sadly, I think Q is most likely to be right.

    I suggest that you give consideration to being proactive by talking to DB and beating NM to the punch. Otherwise, even if your NM doesn't tell him the 1st time you see her, you'll spend the rest of her life wondering when the shoe will drop.

    To try to convince him that NM is a liar puts you in the position of living with a lie of your own creation. IMO Lies always come back to bite you in the ass!

  4. Ruth is right, so is Q. Mulderfan is also right. Perhaps you can decide how much you can live with sharing and tell DB that much. It took me a long time to learn that every single tiny detail is not required. It came from a deep sense of needing to be completely honest. It took a while to learn being completely honest did not mean an information dump. If NM says anything, DB has your story first. You won't be on the defensive trying to combat NM's version. If she tells, she will give it her own special twist.

  5. Also, your NM could at any time try to tell your DB her version behind your back, and try to get him to not tell you whatever she told him.--quartz

  6. Scatha, I lived my own version of this as well. My late DH never met Psychob as I was very LC and well on my way to NC, which I was by the time we got married. I KNEW she would do everything possible to destroy my relationship with him, just as she had systematically destroyed everything good, positive and loving in my life. It was really hard for him to understand why I no longer had a relationship with my "mother." I understand his perspective; after all, he came from a normal family. I did not discuss in any detail the "whys" or what she did etc. Instead I said something to the effect of, "Look, DH. You KNOW me. You've seen me at my very worst and at my best. When I tell you I want nothing to do with that woman, there's a lifetime of reasons, years of experiences for my decision." And left it at that. Psychob did the rest herself by her actions/words etc. DH was horrified.
    Scatha, we're all adults. We all have pasts. I've screwed up BADLY at times in my life. Even if you had absolutely nothing in your past to feel sad/uncomfortable etc. about, your "mother" would make something up, believe me. If they're breathing, they're lying. They are such prolific liars I have no doubt your "mother's" words and behaviors will show your DB exactly who and what she's about. Others who have not grown up with the Crazy often see it much more clearly than we do! The question was no longer, "Why would you terminate your relationship with your mother?" but, "How can a "mother" say and do such horrible stuff to her daughter????"

  7. TW is so right if you do nothing wrong it doesn't matter. They'll just make it up as they go along.

  8. I completely agree with you, Q. I don't believe that she has compassion or empathy in her. And I do expect that she would use this information at the worst time, against me.

    I also don't want to lie anymore just to defend myself from her tactics. I took mulderfan's and Judy's advice and told DB as much of the story as I could.

    I think this was the best. I also told him that I would be open to answer any questions he had about this, and assured him that I loved him.

    Thank you all for your comments and insights. Thank you for keeping me rational and for helping me be myself.


  9. Scatha, good for you! Now you have her beat before she even opens her mouth! If she does spill your secret to DB, it will give him a much better understanding of what you're up against.

    IMO Yourself is a pretty nice person to be!

  10. Oh, pretty Scatha - you did the right thing. Secrets are power in the wrong hands - you took her power away from her! Not only that, but you took that power and used it to strengthen your bond with your DB. She will prove your point when she tries to tell him her version - you have armed him with his own shield of truth.

    I would love to be a fly on the wall when he gets a chance to say "oh, pshhht. Scatha already told me about that. Could you please pass the salt?" pure. glee.


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