I wonder if I am really seriously f***ed up, and whether I intentionally sabotage my chances to any healthy relationship.
I have considered myself completely monogamous and a firm believer in fidelity, marriage for most of my life.
However, there was a point, where I have failed myself and my value system. I have been living with EXNB for four years. We moved together after a few months, and from the day it happened, he stopped talking to me, spending quality time together and having sex with me. Also, he refused all my attempts at getting close to him, or even trying to touch his face. He always had reasons: being tired, the weather, side-effects, depression, problems with work, problems with anything. I have accepted the reasons, but it drained me and my self-esteem in every possible way.
To cut the long story short, I have decided not to sit at home all day long looking at his back playing computer games, and I started to make friends again (I have lost almost all of them because I focused on nothing else but his needs). I got closer to one of the new friends than I should have, and we started to have an affair. Soon after that I have realized that I would not do this to either of them, broke up with EXNB, and went on with the relationship with the friend, then broke up with him also when I have realized that he was unhappy with me and that all I could do anyway was being a sobbing lump of depression 24/7.
After this, I couldn't forgive myself, besides all my friends telling me that after four years of neglect and celibacy I had no one to be faithful to, and thus it was acceptable that I cheated on EXNB even if for a very brief period.
It still haunts me. How I could throw everything that I believed in away just because someone, at last, wanted me.
Since then, I do feel f***ed up. Especially because I feel that I cannot get away from that pattern anymore. When DB and I had problems, I had a huge crush (love?) on one of my friends and when said friend realized he felt the same, he broke all contacts with me. Nothing ever happened between us, but I still miss him like hell, and
I am still in touch with the other friend, who was my boyfriend after EXNB, and I am still not made of stone... meaning that I don't find him unattractive, and that he is not unlovable to me. I know he is still in love with me, after all these years, and it still hurts him that we are not together. And sometimes, memories start flooding me, and I sort of think that I feel the same about him as I used to...
When I look back on my earlier life, I remember that with my boyfriend before EXNB (also for four years, also he was completely unavailable, with a wife and children, feeding me with lies that he wanted to be with me), I also had shorter episodes of having a crush on someone else, but back then, I could control myself.
And I do remember my second boyfriend in my life, who was so innocent and young and inexperienced (I wasn't really that experienced either) that he barely ever kissed me (again, unavailable), and I had a very good friend, who became more than a friend for me, and then disappeared from my life. I didn't feel any regret then, though, which bothers me now.
I start to recognize that there is a pattern here, me being in long relationships with unavailable men, starting to panic when I realize that there is a problem in said relationship, suddenly turning into a femme fatale and then selecting someone to fall head over heels for.
Now, I feel that I simply cannot deal with men who "are there". Like DB. I love him deeply, but still... what the hell should I do with someone who is there for me and loves me? I miss the powerful, napalm-like burning inside myself, the thrill of the "hunt", the uncertainty, the anticipation, the all-engulfing passion and obsession, for someone, whose thoughts and dreams I can completely possess, but whom I cannot really have. Or the secrecy. The thought that I am wanted, truly, deeply wanted by more people.
That one, simple, normal, harmonious, loving, working relationship is very far from enough.
Once, I phrased this feeling as that "I collect souls". I feel the best when more than one men (especially a certain type: who have beautiful souls, thoughts, moral values, are great to talk to, have a sort of underlying attractiveness that is rather deep charisma than beauty, and some hidden but deep pain inside them) are completely obsessed by me. The downside is, that I am unable to "unlove" them or forget them no matter what happens after it.
I feel a deep hunger inside me, that can only be fulfilled by one single person when he holds me really close, entangles me, and constantly showers me with love, affection, desire, and words, loving words.
(A side note, EF, the first "man" in my life had traveled a lot when I was little. I loved him more than anyone, and he was never there. But I could spend all my months, waiting for him, preparing presents, dedicating all my thoughts to him, waiting for the wonderful day of his arrival. One of my theories now is that I am reenacting this in my adult life)
I do NOT want to mess up my relationship with DB. I do love him, and I want to keep him. I want to be normal and faithful and normal. And normal. And I don't want to spend most of my days obsessing about the thought of obsessing about someone obsessing about me.
Am I seriously f***ed up?
(am I a narc, like NM?)
Some of this sounds familiar and part of the reason I chose to be alone rather than risk compromising my principles. Came too close too often. What concerns me the most in this whole thing is this:
ReplyDelete"The need to be fulfilled by one single person..."
No human can do this. It isn't healthy to expect this of another person.
It is a narcissistic trait, but that doesn't make you a narc. The fact that you are asking is a clear indicator you're not. A narc wouldn't ask.
You can't change the past, but you alone will choose how to proceed into the future. No matter what you choose, it won't be easy. Reading through, you seem to have a clear idea of what is healthy and what isn't. You've chosen unhealthy in the past and didn't like how it left you. Why choose it again?
When children are denied something as basic as parental love it is bound to effect relationships later in liFe. Also, from your past posts I gather your parents didn't exactly provide you with a shining example of what a mutually supportive and loving relationship looks like.
ReplyDeleteWe ACoNs go looking to fill the void. I filled it with alcohol and maybe you fillED it with "souls". If you can sit back and honestly examine the pattern you describe, IMO you are taking the 1st step toward self-knowledge and healing.
Damn. Do you have my email addy?
ReplyDelete"I collect souls"? Sister you hit a vein with me on that one.
One thing you can't change is how you handled things in the past. Like Judy said, if you don't like how your past actions made you feel, don't repeat them.
ReplyDeleteI can tell you one thing. In the big scheme of things in the world wide theater of hedonism, on a scale from one to ten, ten being the most selfish and unrepentant user of others, you are ranking about a .05 in my estimation.
Quit beating yourself up about things you can't change and be more guarded as you go forward from today.
This post is still lingering with me.
ReplyDeleteI've got some men in my life, beautiful people who make me feel beautiful. Sadly, my husband isn't one of them. And he doesn't like his face touched either. WTF is that about?
I'm not a cheater. I don't think I could do that to someone. But emotionally, oh, I've been a cheater. I think I'm just so damn lonely. And I don't know how to fix it.
Thank you all for your comments.
ReplyDeleteI do not want to choose unhealthy again.
It is damn difficult, but at least I can look into the mirror.
vicariousrising: I know the loneliness you are talking about. :hugs:
I also start to think that face touching seems to be more intimate than touching anything else.