Friday, November 23, 2012

The wonders of honesty

As I've mentioned before, I'm practicing honesty. And oh boy, the wonders that follow after being honest.

Last time I've decided to be very open and honest with one of my friends whom we had a subject that we did not talk to. I realized that the truth would hurt him, and might end with him not wanting to be friends with me after that. But I have also realized that I cannot have a deep connection with someone, if I have to lie about one of the most important things in my life, just to protect him from having to deal with his own emotions.

Hell, I've been doing this all the time with NM, having to hide everything I was just to protect her from realizing I'm not her salvation, nor the fulfiller of her unfulfilled childhood dreams, and definitely not her substitute husband. I was the main actor in her private theater of make believe, along with EF and all the cheerleaders and flying monkeys around. It has been my second nature, since I was born to deny myself and twist reality for everyone else, to know all their secret thoughts without asking anything, and to concoct the most beautiful realization of all their dreams. The only thing I knew was, that if I am myself, their worlds shatter, and I am the cause of their illness, despair, conflicts, and even the thunderstorm outside (yes, she actually made me believe that me being myself was making the rain fall with thunders and lightning, to emphasize that I made NM sad).

To think this through made me realize that this was, in fact, narcissistic thinking. To believe I was powerful enough that I was making everyone happy or unhappy just by being alive, and that I could influence the weather. That it was my responsibility only to save the day. Geez.

I don't want to create dream worlds to people anymore. I can show empathy if they are struggling with their own problems, I help if I have the means or the time, but I don't want to save everyone around me from their own lives and solve everything for them. I don't want to be the fairy godmother anymore.

So I sat down with him, and then 5-6 awful hours passed until I was capable of telling the truth. It basically was that I was with DB and there is no way that we can be anything else but friends. I also added that it does not mean that I don't like him or his company, or the things we do together, but there is a line that I cannot, and will not cross.

And then the miracle happened. He still talks to me, we still do stuff together, the world didn't collapse, there were no earthquakes or innocent kittens dying. It also seemed that he was somewhat relieved (despite that he was the one explicitly asking me not to talk about anything like this). I am myself, and the world is still here. Wow.

The other part:

My friend-who-broke-contact-with-me-before.

I have decided not to hide in the corners anymore and do what I think, instead of doing what I think is expected of me.

We had to go to a business event together that supposedly lasted 3 hours (but in the end it turned out to be a 8-hours-long one). I asked him if I could sit next to him. He said yes. Then we had business lunch with the others, and he sat next to me. He talked to me. We even had a cigarette together, just like old times, talking, laughing. And in the end, I asked whether he would visit the big event of my project (that he was part of in the beginning, but then decided to quit). It was my greatest fear that he would simply say no. I was scared as hell.

And he said yes.

I expressed that I was more than happy that even if not participating actively, but he will visit us at the event. He smiled. And yes. This means a lot to me.

Ah, the wonders of honesty. The miracles of being true to myself. Of being me. Wow.


  1. As members of AA we are expected to "practice vigorous honesty" and I've found that most normal people appreciate honesty! I was such a people pleaser I was terrified that they might be mad at me or stop being my friend. Now I know that the ones who can't handle the truth are not meant to be in my life.

    I'm so glad things are working out for you!

    1. I'm starting to realize that there are people who can handle the truth. I didn't know before that these types of people could exist. It's amazing.

  2. Taking those first steps, especially when they've been discouraged, are terrifying. I'm happy for you!


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