Monday, November 5, 2012

Teenage diaries

I had a beautiful diary book with green paper, when I was at elementary school. I didn't know how to write one, but everyone in class had one, so I started writing too. It only consisted of what I had for homework and basically how I performed in class. I guess I was already preset to think that it was the only part of me worth noting.

I put it in the trash half year ago when I found it. It sounded so artificial and empty.

My third diary was rather a compilation of e-mails between me and my then boyfriend whom NM disapproved of. She found it, read it, screamed at me for a complete day and forced me to dump him. I didn't do so, but kept our relationship secret for four years. And then came out to them four years later, that we were still together. It resulted in hell breaking lose and consequences that I will write about later.

My second diary, I have found two weeks ago, in the week-end house. In the topmost drawer of NM's wardrobe. I know I didn't put it there. So I know that by now, she knows its content by heart. And she will do everything she can to use it against me.

I have read a few pages of it. I was between 16-18 years old, smart enough not to write anything about my parents. But all the other things that were in it... I didn't even remember how desperately sad and lonely I was all the time. It was unbearable even to only read through the pages. I didn't know how to connect with anyone, I didn't know how befriend anyone, the ones I thought were my friends constantly hurt me. The ones who didn't, hated visiting me (because of NM). If I wanted to see them, I was grounded. If I wanted to do anything that didn't involve NM, I was locked up. My only friend was DP. NM labeled it as sick and disgusting. I was so unhappy and vulnerable, you could almost feel the pain just by touching the written words. I am actually surprised why I didn't manage to kill myself in the end.

I have burnt it page by page.

I will never go through that again.


  1. My mom used to go through my personal belongings and read my diaries. I didn't write about my parents either. Mostly it was my teenaged hopes, trials, heartbreaks. It took me a long time to realize that my mother read them, shared the info with my father, then sneakily used the info to control me without letting slip that they knew some of my most private thoughts.

    1. My... it must have been painful and scary when you realized it.

      I was always surprised how NM knew things about me I didn't even know about myself. And I never ever thought that she read them.

      It also took me a long time to realize that I mistook her lack of respecting my (nonexistent anyway) boundaries and privacy for love.

  2. I don't think NM read my journals. I did take the whole stack from 6th grade to middle twenties and dumped them all in the trash. I didn't want to revisit those events. I do remember reading a bit before I did the purge, and I didn't remember any of the events I wrote about. I decided to sacrifice all the memories so I didn't have to remember anymore of the bad stuff. I sometimes wish I'd burned them.

    1. I would really like to hug you now.

      I think I know how you feel about your journals. I felt exactly the same what you have described here. I rather sacrificed my memories, than to have to revisit them again.

  3. scatha, There's enough pain there to have gone up in flames without you ever even having to light it yourself.
    You were a POSSESSION, Little One, no more, no less. Of course you were NOT "allowed" to demonstrate any autonomy, any personal thoughts/feelings etc. Neither is a curtain rod: It's positioned "just so" to hold up a shade, a curtain, a means to keep the "prying eyes" of the outside world OUT, the Inside world free from examination. Even though you "knew better" than to write anything re: NM/FOO in your second diary the pain was unmistakable. And unbearable.
    ALL OF THAT bought you to where you are TODAY. You are STILL viewed as a "Possession" to your NM. Think about this a bit: If you SURVIVED all THAT, what on this beautiful earth would lead you to believe for one second you don't possess within yourself, all you *need* to "repossess" yourself? To open the shades, curtains, windows and let in the fresh air and sunshine of honesty and scatha's reality IN?

    1. Thank you. Thank you very much TW. The world is a better place, because you are in it.

      Because all of you are.

      And I'm starting to learn that it is a better place also because I'm still here.


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