Saturday, November 24, 2012

The worst two dreams

These are the two dreams that are on my top worst dreams list. There was so much gore in them, along with all the sheer panic, helplessness, desperation and fear of death that I felt inside these dreams, that it almost literally scared the living sh*t out of me.

My first worst was, when I was still living with my FOO. After waking up, I have realized that there must be something really, seriously wrong. This was the time when I was an alcoholic, left for college each day around 4AM at dawn to avoid meeting NM, EF was in hospital, I was severely depressed, suicidal, and I had absolutely no hope.

My second dream was approximately a few weeks ago.

Dream #1

I somehow tied NM to a bed, and I was so desperate to end all the pain inside me, that I have decided to end her life. To do that, I started chewing her heart out, with nothing else than my own teeth. It was a very long process, there was way too much blood, and she was screaming. And when I almost got there, I have realized, that there was the rib cage between me and the heart. That besides all her pain, agony and screaming that I have caused for her, and the extrapolated version of what she was feeling, all her pain, and also my emotional pain inside me, being so desperate that I was to do that to my own birth mother, I still cannot get rid of her.

Dream #2

I lived at my FOO again. I went home and found EF tied to a chair, his hands twisted back from his shoulders. I knew that NM did that to him. Without hesitation I freed him. NM came in, and realized that I have freed EF, she started screaming at us, and wanted to kill both of us. EF somehow signaled to me that we have to end this for all, and that I have to drown her in the bathtub. I knew that it was her life, or ours and there was no time for negotiations. So I pushed her into the bathtub that was only half-full with water and held her down. And I was terrified of my actions. EF prepared me that it would take at least an hour to drown, so I must prepare that it will be very long, and if I fail, I will have to start over again. And as he said it, bubbles came up, and formed the words: I really love you Scatha, I genuinely, truly, deeply love you. I knew it was a trick, and that she would lie anything to survive, but still... it resonated so deeply within me that I started crying uncontrollably and released her up. She attacked me again. Realizing that she lied to me, again, I pushed her back, still crying like I have never cried before. Then she transformed into some sort of seed or bean or something, but I still had like half an hour to continue the drowning. I have never felt as guilty as that before, to commit the ultimate sin and to hurt someone that much. EF came in and admitted that the 'World Police' was looking for her and that they want to give me a medal of honor for putting such a threat down. We put her 'seed form' into a glass of water and I still had to hold her down, while EF was driving me to the police station for my celebration. And I still felt worse than ever before.

Both times, when I woke up, I felt so disgusted of myself, I cannot even describe. I truly loathed myself. Side note: while awake, I'm unable to even kill a fly or a spider. I rather help them get out my apartment. Why am I dreaming about such violence then?

If there is hell, these dreams are there. I am still uncontrollably shaking and my stomach is turned upside down. I feel terrified.

Another blow to my insomnia. I have been terrified of going to sleep since I was 16, because of my nightmares. This does not help.

I want a drink so bad. But I am not giving up being sober. No way.

Comments are welcome, as always. Did you ever have dreams like that?


  1. To be honest, no. My nightmares consist of being happily married to a wonderful man, with children, a home of my own, pets, safe at last, and then I wake up to the nightmare of still living with NM and EF. This doesn't keep me from daydreaming about retaliating, but I've come to realize when I do it's because I'm feeling violated in one way or another and also feeling helpless. When I change either the feeling of being helpless or manage to re-establish the boundary, the retaliatory fantasies recede.

    1. Yeah, I used to have those types of nightmares, too. When the nightmare part is to wake up and realize how awful reality is.
      :lots of hugs:
      I wish you strength to make your dreams come true.

  2. Yeah, I've always had horrific nightmares. I remember most of my dreams. I hate the time after I've just awakened after one of those. Everything is surreal and I feel alien and rubberized.

  3. Yeah, and I've found that the disturbing over the top details are symbols of the issues that I'm aware of on some level but are too distressing to deal with consciously, so the more reluctant I am to face them in waking life, the more graphic and gross and attention-getting the red alert warning signals in my dreams become.

    If I have nasty and gross situations in my waking life that I am completely facing, I don't seem to have such extreme dreams about them. --quartz

  4. Same sort of nightmares here too. I once dreamed of repeatedly running NF over with a truck after I chased him and ran him down. I'm totally non-violent in real life.

    You can't control your dreams so no need for the guilt. Maybe they're telling you to kill the relationship not NM.

    1. I came to the same conclusion. It seems that most of the time in these dreams I try to make the pain go away, that she caused, and I'm also trying to save EF.

  5. I had my first dream of attacking my mother at age 4. She had come at me, and in the struggle I squeezed her around the the neck and her head popped off, kind of like I used to do with dandelion flowers. It was a bloodless act, but I was haunted by my evil act in dreams for years.

    Now when I dream of offing my parents, it's always in self-defense and they keep dreaming coming back no matter what I do to them. And they're always mockingly laughing at me as I try to get them to just leave me alone.


Comments are welcome!