Monday, June 10, 2013

Relief - guilt

EF has called me, sobbing, telling me that 'Mom has died'.

My first reaction was to rush to the place where he was, to be there, to comfort him.

My heart was thumping as fast as never before, and I've tried to search my soul as quickly as I could to find something inside myself. A feeling, a thought, anything that would have been appropriate. The only thing I've found was...

Relief. Safety. And happiness. And pity for EF.

It took minutes until I've realized that EF was babbling about DGM and not NM.

Suddenly I felt the deepest disappointment rushing through me.

All my thoughts and feelings are gone now. I feel nothing but guilt.

I am the worst person in the world.


  1. I'm sorry about the passing of your DGM

    But you should not feel like the worst person in the world! Why should you feel guilty for feeling relief? The guilt should be on the one who made you feel unsafe, unloved and not good enough.

    Be kinder to yourself.

  2. No. You're just a human being tired of enduring the cruelty inflicted by someone who was supposed to love you unconditionally and doesn't. My sister and I went through something similar only it was a doctor's appointment, and we were both so disappointed it went well. I've made one promise about my NM's funeral: For the sake of those attending, I will not dance in plain view. I'm very sorry for the loss of you DGM. Be gentle with you.

  3. Who wouldn't feel relief after hearing about the death of the person who has made your life hell? What you had was a perfectly normal reaction to such an event!

    When my abusive older brother was killed, I felt nothing but relief! His threats had gotten so bad that the last time I moved I made sure he couldn't find me, but he did! Suddenly, I no longer had to worry about answering my own front door, so yeah, I was relieved!

    Sorry about your DGM but WRT your mother, remember we reap what we sow and a daughter who feels relief at her passing is exactly what she deserves.

  4. I'm sorry for your loss, Scatha, and I'm sorry you are feeling poorly. Sending you kind thoughts.

    If you are the worst person in the world, well, so am I. I've recently thought a lot about my NM's death and my sister's death. And how I would be finally be able to quit holding my breath. How can we not think about feeling relief? About finally having some peace?

  5. Scatha, You'll have to mud wrestle me for that title!!! I had it first! ;)
    I *did* feel relief when my biological Walking Cluster B "mother" died. Profound relief. I had been totally NC for almost 2 decades prior to her death to this world. However, I had long since worked through the guilt of NC over those years. I well remember the over-whelming guilt I felt the first time I started taking behavioral steps to limit her ability to reach out and poke me at will by lying (gasp! lying!! to my MOTHER!!) and telling her I could not afford a phone as a poor student so our contact was limited to snail mail only.
    That guilt was rather quickly replaced by relief: No more DWI (Dialing While Insane) phone calls at all hours of the night courtesy of Psychobitch! No more faux "medical emergencies" like a broken little toe at 3 AM. (That happened a couple of days previously, I was living several hundred miles away and she was a Medical Professional.) No more raging in my ear and me dissolved in a sobbing, snotting puddle on the floor, holding that phone handset in a death grip while she verbally eviscerated me. Etc. and etc.
    Yk, FOG runs deep, Scatha. Guilt in my experience is a very painful feeling and it's meant to be: It means we've transgressed our own morals, values, ethics in some way, it's our conscience calling us out on our own stuff. It's screaming, "Shame on YOU!" Remember, a Cluster B parent takes our very best human qualities-love, care, compassion, empathy etc.-and perverts them for the parent's edification. They distort our very humanity to destroy us and who we are most fundamentally.
    I agree absolutely with the Posters above: Your "mother" elicited your normal, human response to years of abuse and manipulation. And for that *she* is entirely responsible.

  6. I sometimes feel seriously heavy guilt over the fact that I do not feel any guilt or obligation. I have thought of what would happen when my elderly mother dies, and the first thought is "hey, possibly a chunk of money!" and the second thought is "oh MAN, this is going to be a pain in my ass" - nowhere in there is any *WAHHH* thought, and that's where my guilt comes in.

    I liken the feeling of relief when you find out your abuser is dead to that feeling of waking up certain you were late for school! ahhh! again! and then remembering no, it's SUMMER VACATION, I'm FREE! and however sad that may be for some people to hear, that feeling of relief is palpable - it can feel like a disease has left your body. That's an elementary example (<--see what I did there) but still.

    And then? DAMN - you find out no, she's still alive. FU*K. You have to go through all of that roller coaster again. THAT is a mind-fu*k in itself - now you get all the guilt and none of the relief to temper it.

    I'm sorry you are going through all of this. We're right here. hang on.


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