I will be away on holiday with DB. Only the two of us, without my FOO nearby. It will be two weeks, away from my everyday life.
I've said NO again to NM. She asked me to water their plants while the father of EXNB will be staying at their apartment renovating the kitchen. I told them no. (I made the mistake of explaining the whys though). A few days after this, EF tried to convince me to celebrate a family holiday with them by visiting them in the very same apartment (where father of EXNB still is). I said no, without an explanation. He then expressed his disagreement, and I didn't care. So as a result, NM came over (EF thought it would be too 'embarrassing' for them to come together, since 'how could they tell EXNB's father, that I don't want to see him', so he stayed at home), I gave her the presents and she left. Well, they couldn't force me to meet EXNB's father. I'm happy this way.
I've got my synthetic dreads yesterday and went to my workplace in them today. I thought I would be frowned or laughed at, but I didn't care. And to my surprise, everyone said that I looked beautiful, and they all gathered around me and said that it was cool. Yaaaay! The CEO said that it was 'f***ing awesome and that I should wear them all the time'. Wow.
This is such a new experience to me. To be loved, to be in the centre of attention... just because I am who I am. To receive positive feedback for being me.
It really feels good.
If you haven't tried it before, try it. It is fascinating how powerful it can be if you stop acting like someone whom you think others would accept and like and start being yourself.
When I get back from abroad with DB, I will post again :)
Thursday, September 13, 2012
Thursday, September 6, 2012
Being a teenager for the first time
The 'teenage' topic popped into my mind when I read Ruth's post Very late teens.
I've only heard about teenagers from NM (speaking about them with disgust and hate), the news, books, Internet, and I've seen some as they were my classmates. But I've never been one of them.
I guess I've skipped being a teenager. As soon as I've grown from a child to a teenager, I was transformed into an adult. I had to parent NM, tend to her every emotional need that she didn't get from her parents before, and fill the shoes of the husband she always wanted me to be. I was forced to be her parents, her brothers and sisters, and her spouse.
I wasn't allowed to have friends, to have my own personality, to make mistakes, to act as young people do, to be careless, to have feelings, to try anything.
I could only be at school, go to my music classes, or be at home, visibly studying (as NM helicoptered over me), and tend to her every unspoken emotional need. I had straight 'A'-s all the time, and it made her envious. I was everything to her, and I was still not enough. I didn't have any friends other than her, and everyone else was hated and pushed away from me. Even EF, my relationship with him made her jealous.
I had the wear the clothes and hairstyle she forced on me, I had to speak the way she allowed me to, I have never been to parties, I have never done anything 'insane' or 'silly', I didn't take risks, I didn't know any modern music bands other than Johann Sebastian Bach and the Beatles. I wasn't allowed to be in love, I was ridiculed instead. I wasn't allowed to learn how to clean the apartment, how to cook, how to mend my clothes, how to shave my legs and armpits, how to wear make-up or polish my nails, how to color my hair. When I found out that everyone in class mocked me because I looked like a yeti, and the boys were whispering how I must be a lesbian because I didn't have any 'girl' traits, I was devastated. I begged her to let me become a woman, and I met rage, hatred and more rage.
I see the little 'teen' relatives around DB, who wear awesome clothes, look like young beautiful women and men, who go to concerts with their friends and go on holiday with their significant others, and I secretly feel envy for the teenage years I never had.
I've started to go to concerts, wear insane clothes and shoes, do my own makeup, dye my hair, play in a 'rock band', etc. at my late twenties.
I'm going to visit my hairdresser next week, and will have awesome crazy colorful synthetic dreadlocks for the next few weeks, while I'm on holiday with DB. And I feel young, for the first time in my life :)
I've only heard about teenagers from NM (speaking about them with disgust and hate), the news, books, Internet, and I've seen some as they were my classmates. But I've never been one of them.
I guess I've skipped being a teenager. As soon as I've grown from a child to a teenager, I was transformed into an adult. I had to parent NM, tend to her every emotional need that she didn't get from her parents before, and fill the shoes of the husband she always wanted me to be. I was forced to be her parents, her brothers and sisters, and her spouse.
I wasn't allowed to have friends, to have my own personality, to make mistakes, to act as young people do, to be careless, to have feelings, to try anything.
I could only be at school, go to my music classes, or be at home, visibly studying (as NM helicoptered over me), and tend to her every unspoken emotional need. I had straight 'A'-s all the time, and it made her envious. I was everything to her, and I was still not enough. I didn't have any friends other than her, and everyone else was hated and pushed away from me. Even EF, my relationship with him made her jealous.
I had the wear the clothes and hairstyle she forced on me, I had to speak the way she allowed me to, I have never been to parties, I have never done anything 'insane' or 'silly', I didn't take risks, I didn't know any modern music bands other than Johann Sebastian Bach and the Beatles. I wasn't allowed to be in love, I was ridiculed instead. I wasn't allowed to learn how to clean the apartment, how to cook, how to mend my clothes, how to shave my legs and armpits, how to wear make-up or polish my nails, how to color my hair. When I found out that everyone in class mocked me because I looked like a yeti, and the boys were whispering how I must be a lesbian because I didn't have any 'girl' traits, I was devastated. I begged her to let me become a woman, and I met rage, hatred and more rage.
I see the little 'teen' relatives around DB, who wear awesome clothes, look like young beautiful women and men, who go to concerts with their friends and go on holiday with their significant others, and I secretly feel envy for the teenage years I never had.
I've started to go to concerts, wear insane clothes and shoes, do my own makeup, dye my hair, play in a 'rock band', etc. at my late twenties.
I'm going to visit my hairdresser next week, and will have awesome crazy colorful synthetic dreadlocks for the next few weeks, while I'm on holiday with DB. And I feel young, for the first time in my life :)
Monday, September 3, 2012
NM's requests
I have been bombarded with requests from NM during the past few weeks.
They are renovating a kitchen and since they are living in a very small apartment (just as I do), it will be full with dust, etc. NM told me that they will ask their friend down the street to be able to sleep at their place, but she wants to cook their food at my place. Additional fun: the people who will be renovating their kitchen are the parents of EXNB. I guess cooking at my place will involve inviting them over for happy family lunches and dinners. Without my consent. And my whole apartment will be constantly criticized.
I was told that I have two days to take my piano from their living room wherever I want to (until now they were quite happy to have it) or they will throw it away, or it will be ruined by the dust anyway. It is a very old grand piano, so now I have to pay a lot for it to be transferred to my place, and had to spend the whole weekend with DB rearranging furniture and other stuff to make a space for it. Before I was informed about this short deadline, we were under an agreement, that we have a year to transfer it, and to prepare everything beforehand.
(for the last part, a bit of background info:)
(Legally, I'm only a co-owner at NM and EF's company. That means that I don't have any responsibility for what NM and EF do, but I don't get any money out of it either. I don't work there, I don't really get any benefits out of it (other than it might be useful to have some background if I don't find a job after maternity leave, if ever). They do work there and make all the decisions.
NM is the owner. She has cancelled the contract with her last client a few days ago because she was 'fed up with them', so now only EF has clients. This decision has put them in a really bad financial situation. Moreover, they still have to pay tax after NM even if she does not get any income, since she does not have any other job.)
For the last request, NM sent EF to communicate it with me, I guess she didn't have the guts for it. They want me to take over the official ownership of their small company for a year, because then they wouldn't have to pay tax after NM. The official ownership would mean that I would still not get any benefits, or money, but I would have to be financially responsible for all their decisions. And in this company form, 'financially responsible' means that if they make a mistake, everything that I own (house, car, deposits, clothes, you name it) can be taken away, and more. Oh, and this responsibility lasts for five more years even after I resign.
I am absolutely sure that when I will say no for this, I will be the black sheep who forces her parents to starve to death, and into poverty. This will be held against me, until I die. Maybe even after that.
But I will not take the risk of her messing something up in the company and losing everything I have. No way. Fortunately, DB supports me in this decision also. He said that if they really need help, we can give them food, or a few dollars, but that it would be suicide to take the company ownership. I agree with him.
But I still feel overwhelmed.
They are renovating a kitchen and since they are living in a very small apartment (just as I do), it will be full with dust, etc. NM told me that they will ask their friend down the street to be able to sleep at their place, but she wants to cook their food at my place. Additional fun: the people who will be renovating their kitchen are the parents of EXNB. I guess cooking at my place will involve inviting them over for happy family lunches and dinners. Without my consent. And my whole apartment will be constantly criticized.
I was told that I have two days to take my piano from their living room wherever I want to (until now they were quite happy to have it) or they will throw it away, or it will be ruined by the dust anyway. It is a very old grand piano, so now I have to pay a lot for it to be transferred to my place, and had to spend the whole weekend with DB rearranging furniture and other stuff to make a space for it. Before I was informed about this short deadline, we were under an agreement, that we have a year to transfer it, and to prepare everything beforehand.
(for the last part, a bit of background info:)
(Legally, I'm only a co-owner at NM and EF's company. That means that I don't have any responsibility for what NM and EF do, but I don't get any money out of it either. I don't work there, I don't really get any benefits out of it (other than it might be useful to have some background if I don't find a job after maternity leave, if ever). They do work there and make all the decisions.
NM is the owner. She has cancelled the contract with her last client a few days ago because she was 'fed up with them', so now only EF has clients. This decision has put them in a really bad financial situation. Moreover, they still have to pay tax after NM even if she does not get any income, since she does not have any other job.)
For the last request, NM sent EF to communicate it with me, I guess she didn't have the guts for it. They want me to take over the official ownership of their small company for a year, because then they wouldn't have to pay tax after NM. The official ownership would mean that I would still not get any benefits, or money, but I would have to be financially responsible for all their decisions. And in this company form, 'financially responsible' means that if they make a mistake, everything that I own (house, car, deposits, clothes, you name it) can be taken away, and more. Oh, and this responsibility lasts for five more years even after I resign.
I am absolutely sure that when I will say no for this, I will be the black sheep who forces her parents to starve to death, and into poverty. This will be held against me, until I die. Maybe even after that.
But I will not take the risk of her messing something up in the company and losing everything I have. No way. Fortunately, DB supports me in this decision also. He said that if they really need help, we can give them food, or a few dollars, but that it would be suicide to take the company ownership. I agree with him.
But I still feel overwhelmed.
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