Tuesday, July 17, 2012

Celebrations and family chit-chat

Thus, we visited FOO to give them a chance to celebrate DB's birthday the day before he had it, because they "had other program". And we were happy that they wouldn't ruin that day for him anyway.

Before that, I have talked to NM via phone to discuss the details. It was hilarious.

  • NM explained to me that they are so 'broke' that they could not really afford gifts. For the Christmas before, I bought a present so that they could give it to DB as a present. They have decided to give something else instead. I have suggested that they give him that present, so it would be free anyway.
  • NM asked me what to cook. I told her not to make a big deal about it and cook whatever she wanted. She told me that she didn't intend to make a big deal about DB's birthday anyway. Great. As a result the food was something she knew I hated. I wasn't surprised at all.
  • I suggested that I would bake the cake for him, and bring it over, so NM wouldn't have to bother with baking. She said alright, until I explained that it would be the 'family specialty' that she always used to bake for me when I was little, and that I always baked for her for her birthday. She told me that she hated that cake, and so that I shouldn't bake that type of cake for HER for DB's birthday.
    WTF. And thanks for making me realize that you have always hated the cake I made especially for you. Great.
    I have decided not to bake anything for that day and baked the cake on his "real" birthday, the day after. He was more than happy and told me that he loved the cake.
  • NM asked me when would we be able to talk. I told her that when we'd visit together with DB, we could. She said, "I see, so we won't talk again". She was furious because I blew her chance to be alone with me.
On the day of the family gathering, NM has quickly realized that she wouldn't be alone with me, so she rather
  • Kicked one or two into DB, so that he would know his place.
  • Also told him to tell me (while I was sitting next to him) to visit her more, because it is not "polite" or "loving" that I don't visit my own mother.
  • Then NM explained to me that I was laying the table wrong, because I didn't choose the appropriate cutlery.
  • She tossed him the gift with the comment "happy birthday, love us all". We have the habit of hiding the gift from sight so that it would be a greater surprise. Of course it was not hidden, it was displayed on the central table.
  • And then during lunch, NM explained to DB, in details, how hideous DP was, how evil and vengeful he was, and how he made everyone's life impossible, and the 'evil tricks' he intentionally invented to ruin our life. How he maliciously sabotaged everything she wanted to do, how annoying he was all the time (she never, ever said this before, she always claimed she loved him). How awful it was for NM when DP was dying, because she had to participate in taking care of him while I was working, and how difficult it was for her. She never ever mentioned how painful it must have been for DP himself. Or understood why I still couldn't get over his death.
    Another thing to hurt me with, deeply. It was personal. She knew how much I loved DP above anyone else. How he was my only friend, my only brother, my only confidante, my only connection to the human world for more than a decade, my love, my life, my everything. Everyone who knew him said that he was more than human, the most loving, kind living soul on Earth. Who taught me that telepathy really does exist. Who loved me when no one else did, who stayed beside me when I was very ill. Who has literally saved my life several times. He was my cat.
    If you ever grew up with a dog or a cat whom you had a deeply personal relationship with - and had narc parents, I think you can imagine what I'm talking about.
    Speaking ill of the dead and lying about them is the new game I guess.
Yesterday, NM called me, cheerful, she was very artificially nice and kind, and asked about how I am, how DB is, etc. Of course, she wanted me to do some stuff for her today.


  1. A wasted day, except it reminds you, once again, your NM will never change. These memories will add up and finally give you the strength to walk away.

    Love the way narcs just keep pounding nails into their own coffins until the lid is completely hammered shut!

    1. That nails-coffin parallel is very descriptive. She surely does that.

  2. Sad how a narcs need for being a martyr trumps all politeness. Hugs. Glad you had your own day with DB on his birthday.

    1. Sure, everything has to be about them, all the time.
      That day with DB and me celebrating really was very beautiful. He always reminds me that there is "normality" out there, outside my FOO. Also his parents, refreshingly normal.

  3. Scatha, don't you hate how fake and "treacly" NM's voices get when they're pretending they weren't harpies from hell the day before? Their capacity to pretend that yesterday didn't happen is always amazing.

    1. I feel sick every time I hear that kind of voice. It is so artificial and melting sugar drops from every word. It makes me shiver.
      And yes, it is amazing how they can act like the exact opposite of their yesterday self.

      It doesn't have to be yesterday, there are narcs (EXNB for example) who can change from Jekyll to Hyde and then back to Jekyll in minutes, and be puzzled over why I am "acting weird" and being alert.

    2. I often cringe at my mother's voice when she's trying to hide that she feels threatened in some situation. It goes up in pitch, and tone (making herself more "feminine" maybe before plunging the knife?), and becomes falsely "girlish." I always take it as an early warning sign that she's putting on a show. It's the voice that's on her voicemail.

  4. It's the "Let's Pretend" (I'm normal, that did NOT happen) "voice" of authority.
    And she still managed to make DB's "Birthday Meal" ALL about....HER!! Wow, what a surprise, no?! I'm with mulderfan: We don't even have to supply the hammer, nails OR coffin: They do that all by their lil' ol nasty selves.
    And how nice you were able to spend his day together. It sounds like a lovely day after the massive storm swept through.


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