NM called yesterday. I didn't want to pick it up. I called her back today, for only three minutes. She managed to tell me that they, have been thinking about someone whom they could contact if something bad happened since they surely cannot count on me.
I've received a long email today from NM right after this. Just a few parts from it:
"I always hope that you are really interested in how I, we are. And then I am sad to realize, that you don't have time. As if you were saying don't bother me. You never answer my calls. I feel that we have become a nuisance for you. Why do you make us feel that you don't want to contact us anymore? I would like to invite you over, have lunch together, talk, just naturally. What should I do to change this? Is it only a dream? Have you decided not to meet us anymore? I hoped it was not only me who thought that family was important. Please don't neglect your parents. If I'm wrong just tell me, that you can meet more frequently. I don't want to tell you what to do with your life, but I beg you for your love. It hurts so much, I cry so much. Do I have to live my life without you? I don't believe it and I don't accept it. Please help to change this. I hope that we can find a solution. We love you so much, with Dad. Mum."
I feel awful. I feel betrayed. I feel abandoned. I feel so alone. This feels like a living nightmare. It hurts... so bad I can't even describe it.
I borrowed a cigarette from a co-worker after this. I don't even smoke normally.