"No, I'm not well at all. It is really difficult for me to put the bedsheets to their place..."
(My mind started racing at this point. What could be wrong with the bed? What the heck is this all about? Since I didn't produce the reaction instantly, that she wanted me to, she explained of course.)
"See, the shelves are too high for me, and I cannot reach them if I'm trying to stand on a chair..."
(And then it hit me. I've borrowed their stepstool ladder from them. And the chair NM mentioned was a folding chair, a real death trap to stand on, especially if you are trying to reach high from it.)
She didn't have to mention neither the ladder, nor death, but she knew I would get both messages. That it was a big mistake that I have dared to borrow anything of hers, and that I am responsible for causing her severe back pain and forcing her constantly risking death or severe injuries. Brilliant. Truly brilliant.
Another perfectly subtle out-of-the-big-book act. But what I wanted to describe in this post was the prequel of this, when we have last met in person. Well, here it comes:
I have visited my FOO. It seemed like a good idea at that time (the last sentence of all Darwin Award winners). I remember stepping inside the apartment, EF being visibly happy for seeing me. NM barely noticing me. Then mental blackout followed, and the next thing I remember was being completely convinced that I was mentally clinically insane and was unknowingly ruining my own and everyone else's life around me. I was there, exposed to NM for hours, feeling physically unable to move. It was pure horror. I'm mostly writing this down because I want to have it as a memento, to be able to prove myself that it really happened, and it was not only my 'vivid imagination', and also to ask about your opinion. So here's a list of what I've learned from her in 2,5 hours:
- I am insane. NM knew this from my childhood that I had serious mental problems.
- My former doomed relationships were a direct result of my mental illness.
- It was right, logical and I have to praise her that NM made my life a living hell, since she didn't have any other choice when I fell in love with someone she didn't think were appropriate for me.
- Obviously it is not different now, since I only choose people whom I'm unable to maintain a relationship with, such as DB.
- This is also my fault since I'm completely unable to care and to give.
- I only keep in touch with people whom I can benefit from, and who can tend to my selfish interests, because I'm egoistic and I only use others, and I discard everyone who doesn't exactly do what I want them to.
- I could have a working relationship now, but since I'm not the 'motherly' type who would be satisfied by serving others (like her, who is motherly), and since I'm not like that, no matter how kind and trustworthy DB is, I will be unable to maintain a working relationship with him, since I'm selfish down to the core, and what I need from others is to serve my every need.
- I will be completely alone in the end anyway.
- I neglect my FOO so much, that it will have very serious and irrevocable consequences in a few years.
- The worst will be that my own (yet unborn) children will hate me the most (and she will make sure they will do so), and that I'll get my devilish and hellish horror that I spread do everyone and NM back from my children, but a thousand times worse, in the most horrific way possible.
- I won't ever be able to become an appropriate mother.
- No one will ever want me as a woman, because no one needs someone who treats her FOO the way I do.
- DB thinks this way too, that he would not ever seriously want me because of this. But there is no reason to ask him, he wouldn't ever admit that he thinks about me this way. But still, family goes first for him, and this speaks volumes.
- If I was sane, I would have breakfast with FOO every morning, I would go home to their place and have lovely jovial chats about what happened at work, or on the public transport, or anywhere. If I don't do it, I'm insane.
- This is also true for grandchildren, they would have to do the same.
- It is very welcome that I'm not dealing with my hobby right now (the word hobby spat out as if I was sacrificing newborn goats for satanism and not playing a musical instrument) because of the summer break, so I must focus now on more worthy projects such as writing my fourth thesis to finally get my fourth master's degree.
- Since I will forever be mentally ill, and I cannot do anything against it ever, it is inevitable that my relationship, and all my friendships and other social connections will be ruined my be. To be honest, I've already irrevocably ruined all of them, just wasn't able to notice the fact.
- I want happiness so convulsively, that I destroy everyone around myself.
- I'm incapable of loving, or any other emotion since I'm a psychopath.
- My relationship is already doomed, since I myself have destroyed it. Obviously, I'm incapable of anything else.
- My previous relationship with EXNB only ended because of me. NM didn't have any problems with him, but I blew it, since I was already incapable of caring or loving him.
- I'm already this old, it's time to get myself together, of course, she remembers that I'm incapable of it, since I'm not normal, but I still would have to produce grandchildren for her, and she will spend all her time with them when they are young and cute and lovely. After that they will grow up anyway into evil abominable monsters who have friends, own interests and other stuff and ditch their families.
- Since we haven't spoken for two days, NM and EF have become deadly ill, that I obviously don't care about, but both of them will die in four years anyway.
- My grandmother, grandfather, and another elder relative will die also in a few months, and after that I will only be able to talk to them if I'm finally dead.
- It does not matter that ENGF does not talk to me and spits hate and rage at me every time I call him, I am obliged to talk to him, and genuinely love him, since he is family.
- The ideal family is my cousin's family, where everyone is perfectly happy. He spends all his time at his parents' house to borrow this or that, he does sports and hobbies with his parents, and performs chores at his parents' garden, and always brings his children along. And they rarely see his wife, but she is ugly and fat anyway, the most important is that he and his parents are constantly enmeshed. Oh and they work in the same office also.
- It is outrageous that NM and EF cannot come and go into my apartment as they please without prior announcement or even me being at home. This means that I don't love them at all and that I consider my FOO as hated and despised strangers.
- It is also outrageous that I ring the doorbell when I visit them. I should just walk in on them. And it is also disgusting that I text them when I arrive at home at midnight, since families work that way, that I would have to visit them at 3AM at dawn if that is when I have time for a chat, and should wake them up even if they are asleep.
- It is insulting, humiliating, callous and evil from me, that I consider it a sign of respect to ring the doorbell when I visit someone. Sending e-mails or texting is also such a thing. As well as not calling NM on a daily basis and not spending all my days there, freely, happily, in a natural and relaxed way.
- My hair is abominable anyway, of course I'm still basking in my early adolescent years instead of growing up already.
- NM understands that I have a workplace, but still, I can call her while I'm working, or should have happy breakfasts with them at 5AM if I have to go to work early.
- The fact that I don't have breakfast with them every morning, and moreover that I don't eat what she wants me to (white bread, heavy food, with artificial flavors and fat), and that I don't eat tons of food means that I'm mentally insane, and that I don't let my own birthmother to nourish her child, and that I obviously don't love them. And it is particularly sick that I have breakfast in the office, not to mention that with people who are not my parents.
- She is so desperately sad when she is somewhere, and I'm not with her, something happens to her and I don't witness it, she would talk and I'm not there to listen.
- She also knows that I don't know how to shave my legs properly, she also had lots of dark hair, but now that she does it properly, she has less dark hair on her legs.
- And the details of her sexual life and the method of contraception that they use (which I now wouldn't disclose) as well as creating theories about my sexual life.
- It was a great idea that I have agreed with EF that we could go to the family's week-end house with DB to relax and stuff, so NM has decided that they would come also, and we would be together as a happy family. Of course they would not disturb us, she has already planned all the events and places we will go together, and eating together. If we want privacy, we can still go to the other room, sure.
- I mustn't talk to DB about this, obviously he'd be delighted to learn that FOO will also come, everyone would be happy. It is outrageous and ill-mannered that I don't want to say yes to such a wonderful idea of hers, and want to discuss it with DB.
- I am not allowed to leave to my office, even if it results in me being fired until I'm not genuinely and honestly happy from all this conversation and does not hug NM with warm honest overflowing love.
Fortunately after a few days (and help from my therapist) I've managed to think clearly again and realize that I wasn't the insane one, but still, this was outright scary.
EF left the room when she started. He was in the next room all the way long and heard everything. When later I mentioned this scene to him he said that "yes, I've heard what she said, but you have also said some very nasty and horrible things".
Any input, comment or opinion is welcome.