Thursday, July 12, 2012

NM's most recent gaslighting session

I haven't seen NM since this incident (a month ago or so). Due to family reasons, I'll have to see her soon though. I'm not looking forward to it. I have called her today to talk about the details of our (me and DB) visit, which resulted in a stereotypical NM-backstabbing-me-with-every-word type of phone call. I would only quote one part.

"No, I'm not well at all. It is really difficult for me to put the bedsheets to their place..."
(My mind started racing at this point. What could be wrong with the bed? What the heck is this all about? Since I didn't produce the reaction instantly, that she wanted me to, she explained of course.)
"See, the shelves are too high for me, and I cannot reach them if I'm trying to stand on a chair..."
(And then it hit me. I've borrowed their stepstool ladder from them. And the chair NM mentioned was a folding chair, a real death trap to stand on, especially if you are trying to reach high from it.)

She didn't have to mention neither the ladder, nor death, but she knew I would get both messages. That it was a big mistake that I have dared to borrow anything of hers, and that I am responsible for causing her severe back pain and forcing her constantly risking death or severe injuries. Brilliant. Truly brilliant.

Another perfectly subtle out-of-the-big-book act. But what I wanted to describe in this post was the prequel of this, when we have last met in person. Well, here it comes:

I have visited my FOO. It seemed like a good idea at that time (the last sentence of all Darwin Award winners). I remember stepping inside the apartment, EF being visibly happy for seeing me. NM barely noticing me. Then mental blackout followed, and the next thing I remember was being completely convinced that I was mentally clinically insane and was unknowingly ruining my own and everyone else's life around me. I was there, exposed to NM for hours, feeling physically unable to move. It was pure horror. I'm mostly writing this down because I want to have it as a memento, to be able to prove myself that it really happened, and it was not only my 'vivid imagination', and also to ask about your opinion. So here's a list of what I've learned from her in 2,5 hours:

  • I am insane. NM knew this from my childhood that I had serious mental problems.
  • My former doomed relationships were a direct result of my mental illness.
  • It was right, logical and I have to praise her that NM made my life a living hell, since she didn't have any other choice when I fell in love with someone she didn't think were appropriate for me.
  • Obviously it is not different now, since I only choose people whom I'm unable to maintain a relationship with, such as DB.
  • This is also my fault since I'm completely unable to care and to give.
  • I only keep in touch with people whom I can benefit from, and who can tend to my selfish interests, because I'm egoistic and I only use others, and I discard everyone who doesn't exactly do what I want them to.
  • I could have a working relationship now, but since I'm not the 'motherly' type who would be satisfied by serving others (like her, who is motherly), and since I'm not like that, no matter how kind and trustworthy DB is, I will be unable to maintain a working relationship with him, since I'm selfish down to the core, and what I need from others is to serve my every need.
  • I will be completely alone in the end anyway.
  • I neglect my FOO so much, that it will have very serious and irrevocable consequences in a few years.
  • The worst will be that my own (yet unborn) children will hate me the most (and she will make sure they will do so), and that I'll get my devilish and hellish horror that I spread do everyone and NM back from my children, but a thousand times worse, in the most horrific way possible.
  • I won't ever be able to become an appropriate mother.
  • No one will ever want me as a woman, because no one needs someone who treats her FOO the way I do.
  • DB thinks this way too, that he would not ever seriously want me because of this. But there is no reason to ask him, he wouldn't ever admit that he thinks about me this way. But still, family goes first for him, and this speaks volumes.
  • If I was sane, I would have breakfast with FOO every morning, I would go home to their place and have lovely jovial chats about what happened at work, or on the public transport, or anywhere. If I don't do it, I'm insane.
  • This is also true for grandchildren, they would have to do the same.
  • It is very welcome that I'm not dealing with my hobby right now (the word hobby spat out as if I was sacrificing newborn goats for satanism and not playing a musical instrument) because of the summer break, so I must focus now on more worthy projects such as writing my fourth thesis to finally get my fourth master's degree.
  • Since I will forever be mentally ill, and I cannot do anything against it ever, it is inevitable that my relationship, and all my friendships and other social connections will be ruined my be. To be honest, I've already irrevocably ruined all of them, just wasn't able to notice the fact.
  • I want happiness so convulsively, that I destroy everyone around myself.
  • I'm incapable of loving, or any other emotion since I'm a psychopath.
  • My relationship is already doomed, since I myself have destroyed it. Obviously, I'm incapable of anything else.
  • My previous relationship with EXNB only ended because of me. NM didn't have any problems with him, but I blew it, since I was already incapable of caring or loving him.
  • I'm already this old, it's time to get myself together, of course, she remembers that I'm incapable of it, since I'm not normal, but I still would have to produce grandchildren for her, and she will spend all her time with them when they are young and cute and lovely. After that they will grow up anyway into evil abominable monsters who have friends, own interests and other stuff and ditch their families.
  • Since we haven't spoken for two days, NM and EF have become deadly ill, that I obviously don't care about, but both of them will die in four years anyway.
  • My grandmother, grandfather, and another elder relative will die also in a few months, and after that I will only be able to talk to them if I'm finally dead.
  • It does not matter that ENGF does not talk to me and spits hate and rage at me every time I call him, I am obliged to talk to him, and genuinely love him, since he is family.
  • The ideal family is my cousin's family, where everyone is perfectly happy. He spends all his time at his parents' house to borrow this or that, he does sports and hobbies with his parents, and performs chores at his parents' garden, and always brings his children along. And they rarely see his wife, but she is ugly and fat anyway, the most important is that he and his parents are constantly enmeshed. Oh and they work in the same office also.
  • It is outrageous that NM and EF cannot come and go into my apartment as they please without prior announcement or even me being at home. This means that I don't love them at all and that I consider my FOO as hated and despised strangers.
  • It is also outrageous that I ring the doorbell when I visit them. I should just walk in on them. And it is also disgusting that I text them when I arrive at home at midnight, since families work that way, that I would have to visit them at 3AM at dawn if that is when I have time for a chat, and should wake them up even if they are asleep.
  • It is insulting, humiliating, callous and evil from me, that I consider it a sign of respect to ring the doorbell when I visit someone. Sending e-mails or texting is also such a thing. As well as not calling NM on a daily basis and not spending all my days there, freely, happily, in a natural and relaxed way.
  • My hair is abominable anyway, of course I'm still basking in my early adolescent years instead of growing up already.
  • NM understands that I have a workplace, but still, I can call her while I'm working, or should have happy breakfasts with them at 5AM if I have to go to work early.
  • The fact that I don't have breakfast with them every morning, and moreover that I don't eat what she wants me to (white bread, heavy food, with artificial flavors and fat), and that I don't eat tons of food means that I'm mentally insane, and that I don't let my own birthmother to nourish her child, and that I obviously don't love them. And it is particularly sick that I have breakfast in the office, not to mention that with people who are not my parents.
  • She is so desperately sad when she is somewhere, and I'm not with her, something happens to her and I don't witness it, she would talk and I'm not there to listen.
  • She also knows that I don't know how to shave my legs properly, she also had lots of dark hair, but now that she does it properly, she has less dark hair on her legs.
  • And the details of her sexual life and the method of contraception that they use (which I now wouldn't disclose) as well as creating theories about my sexual life.
  • It was a great idea that I have agreed with EF that we could go to the family's week-end house with DB to relax and stuff, so NM has decided that they would come also, and we would be together as a happy family. Of course they would not disturb us, she has already planned all the events and places we will go together, and eating together. If we want privacy, we can still go to the other room, sure.
  • I mustn't talk to DB about this, obviously he'd be delighted to learn that FOO will also come, everyone would be happy. It is outrageous and ill-mannered that I don't want to say yes to such a wonderful idea of hers, and want to discuss it with DB.
  • I am not allowed to leave to my office, even if it results in me being fired until I'm not genuinely and honestly happy from all this conversation and does not hug NM with warm honest overflowing love.

Fortunately after a few days (and help from my therapist) I've managed to think clearly again and realize that I wasn't the insane one, but still, this was outright scary.

EF left the room when she started. He was in the next room all the way long and heard everything. When later I mentioned this scene to him he said that "yes, I've heard what she said, but you have also said some very nasty and horrible things".

Any input, comment or opinion is welcome.


  1. The nice thing about gaslighting is that once it is recognized, it no longer works!

    "Due to family reasons, I'll have to see her soon though." IMO, No, you don't HAVE to see her. You HAVE been conditioned to think you do.

    Keep in mind, this information is coming from someone who is also insane, self-centered and will die "a lonely old widow".

    Leave the ladder outside her door and start making plans to move as far away as possible.

    One of the luxuries I enjoy is living an hour's drive away from my NFOO, none of whom own a car. They are all technologically incompetent and my NPs think it's the child's DUTY to call them, I assume because they're too stupid to realize the phone works both ways.

    It's taken me years and years to let go of the idea I have any obligation to these people and have no reason to tolerate behaviour from them that I wouldn't tolerate from anyone else. I have fulfilled (many times over) any responsibility I may have had by virtue of being born, even though I was an "accident" and the wrong sex.

    Even if one of my three Ns is in the hospital dying, I now know I don't HAVE to go and see them. I may CHOOSE to go but that choice is mine alone.

    Also, IMO "silent partners" like your EF are in many ways worse than narcissists. They see what's happening, know it's wrong, but refuse to intervene.

    Move ASAP and fuck 'em!

  2. mulderfan suggestions are similar to some of mine. She is one of my mentors and helped me a lot. My sister and I learned that humor goes along way to stopping the waterfall of verbal abuse. (Once we were past the deer in the headlight feeling when we first discovered we weren't the problem.) We also teamed up so that helped. I make it a rule to NEVER be alone with my mother. I was shocked the day I realized she would actually look around and make sure we were alone before she really unloaded. My counselor tried to persuade me to go no contact but like you there were certain family things that I chose to go to. On those occasions, I go with an exit plan and a set limit of how much nastiness I will tolerate before leaving. Some days I can handle more than others. I also over came the "have to" illness. Yup, I call it an illness, something to recover from. The first major 'have to' I stopped, I refused to see my mother on Thanksgiving day. (We live less than a mile from each other.) I ticked off most of the family and I was dubbed the unloving daughter. I chose to be called an unloving daughter rather than be the whipping dog for my mother's anxiety that everything be perfect for Thanksgiving. I also discovered a whole lot of other 'have to' on the list that I could say, NO - I Don't. I believe the first time is the hardest. The more I say No the easier it gets. When my mother sends out an email for help, I follow the 3 D rule, Delete-Delete-Delete. You'll discover your own ways of coping that work well for you. The big thing, like mulderfan said, is once you recognize it, it no longer works. Change takes time. The first time you say, "I don't need to hear this abuse," and walk away will be the hardest because they will not take this lightly and often things get worse before you choose to stay away more often. Keep going you are doing better than you think.

    1. I have to heartily second Ruth's idea of having an *exit plan. I've used mine on several occasions. I don't dignify their opinions with a reply of any kind, I just stand up and say, "I don't want to hear this. Goodbye." Then, without another word, I leave.

      Narcissists like your mother are pretty predictable so you can usually see where the conversation is headed and can leave before things get too ugly.

      *It will save a great deal of confusion and embarrassment if you discuss your plan in advance with you DB. Make sure he is on-board so that he leaves without allowing himself to be drawn in by your NM.

      I end phone calls in a similar manner and don't respond to accusations, manipulation or guilt trips contained in letters.

      Following each incident, I have extended the length of NO Contact starting at three months and going up to a full year. Presently, I am completely No Contact and can't think of a reason to ever reinstate the relationship.

      For whatever reason, your NM's goal is to hurt you and force you back into the role SHE wants you to play. Don't argue. Don't believe her lies. Hold your head high and walk out!

  3. Head/Keyboard.
    Wow, Little One. I agree with mulder and Ruth and their suggestions are great. But I know this is a step at a time, a bit at a time. By all means, hang up, walk out, stretch the amount of time you allow contact after each of these...."sessions." You need time to regroup. You're engaging in "training" your NM, so start with what's comfortable for you. Perhaps by setting a time limit on how long these "visits" are going to last as soon as they start: "I have to leave by (time)/get off the phone by (time)" and DON'T "explain" why-the more you "give" her to play with, the more she'll play. Frankly, I don't know how you managed to stay so SANE in the face of these types of....onslaughts! And that was just ONE
    The projections she engaged in were stunning. Four years, huh? I'll pull out my Tarot Cards and do a quick spread-I do 'em for fun and entertainment for my friends but her "Tarot Cards" certainly eclipse mine-:)) Not to mention NOT "fun." And she BELIEVES this-not really, Little One, she just wants YOU to believe her stuff.
    It does no good for me to tell you yes, she's WAAAY over the top. You're living this. And it takes time take it all in.
    But we're here and we'll help you one step at a time as you're comfortable. Even small steps are gonna be uncomfortable to begin with but as you gain in confidence in your ability to do this, you will.

    1. Setting a time limit sounds like a good idea.

      :)) some of my friends, and even my therapist said that they are amazed how sane I am with a NM like that. I took it as a compliment when my therapist said that it is a real miracle that I'm only neurotic and not completely nuts. :D

      And thank you for the encouragement, it is really a blessing for me nowadays.

  4. Tell that bitch to piss up a rope.

    1. Wow Q! I think you have the right idea. This bitch is not worth the time it takes to type more than a few words about her. In fact, even eight is probably about six too many when "Fuck you!" would suffice.

      BTW I admire your talent for summarizing what the rest of us babble on about.

  5. Well, I DO have some...."friends" that are talented in..."Rendition"

  6. Wow, and again wow.

    To be honest, when I wrote this post, I was still a bit in the believing-NM-state, and I didn't really expect any validation, encouragement or support.

    Thank you all for what you said, and all the ideas and understanding. Each and every comment means a lot to me.

    And pissing up a rope was one of my favorites XD

    You all really make the world (my world certainly) a better place.

    1. Scatha, we all are in "believing NM-states" following these gaslighting sessions. That 's why they're so horrible. If we could shrug it off, it wouldn't actually be gaslighting, it'd just be them talking out of their asses :-)
      It's precisely the lingering impact of how they perform string-theory on the the reality of conversations and our memories of events that gives them their power. I believe that gaslighters know in their bones exactly how to get you to question your reality. The tinker and tailor their twists, often in subtle ways and usually conscript enablers and triangulators to drive the nails into your wrists. Like your EF saying "yeah but you said bad things too." It's always "well you did it too," or "you said things too," with these narcissists. A reminder that inside they are all 5 year old children.


Comments are welcome!