Thursday, July 5, 2012

Hair issues

My NM was always (and still is) preoccupied with how I look. My clothes, my weight, my hair, my posture, my facial expressions. She always controlled every inch of my body, to project the perfect image of me - to others. If I was less then perfect for her, or - God forgive - had my own ideas or taste about how I wanted to look like, she blew up, and I was showered with hate, disgust and rage.

My NM was always obsessed with my hair - of course when I didn't wear it the way she wanted.
When I did so - back in elementary school, in very weird-looking old fashioned pigtails - I was constantly ridiculed by my classmates, they called me names (you look like a goat), etc. I have always considered myself disgusting when I had to wear my hear the way she wanted. Whenever I tried to let my hair down - I liked it that way, and I had beautiful golden brown hair, she became furious and started pulling my hair, screaming in my face that I looked like a whore. I was still a child. As a result, after that incident, she always pulled my hair back so hard when making my hair (I wasn't allowed to do it on my own), that it hurt even after a day has passed.

Once, my Darling Grandmother (DGM) (father's mother) took me to the hairdresser, and she cut my long hair, to a stylish short one. I was 12. She was screaming at both of us and stopped talking to my grandmother for months, and called her irresponsible.

In college, I have decided to dye my hair. She approved it as long as it was blonde (she dyed hers blonde as well). But I have realized, that I hated that color, and I went for black. And she made my life a living hell, where constant criticism was the best part.

When I have planned to buy my own apartment at the age of 24, she told me that with a hairstyle like that (it was black with red streaks, and everyone loved it on me, even my boss and colleagues), I don't deserve to live in my own apartment. And, as usual, that I looked like a whore, since only whores wear black or red. (she is all fluffy pink, all the time)

Nowadays, when I wear my hair in a ponytail for some reason (weather too hot, etc), and look in the mirror, I am disgusted of myself, and feel like throwing up.

Whenever we meet in person, she always, ALWAYS has to comment on my hair, its color, the way I wear it, and of course with so much hatred, that I start to feel dizzy.

I have tried to explain (I know now, a big NO with NPDs) that I never ever commented on her hair, and I have never tried to persuade her to dye it or wear it in any other way she does, I wouldn't do it even if she asked. But of course, in her case, it is different. She only wants good for me. She only points out the flaws I have that can make my life more difficult, or make me even less acceptable. Or the other way round, that I only do it to make her unhappy. To show her how I don't value and respect her feelings.

4 comments:

  1. Oh, Little One...didn't you know your entire existence has been "cultivated" by NM to be HER "Mini-MEEEE!"
    I wonder what would happen if you started to do little.....things..like pick an imaginary piece of lint off the back of her clothing, or put your hand on the back of her hair, "Here Mom, let me fix this little hole in your hair back here" or say, "Mom have you gained some weight? That looks a bit....tight..from the back" every time you're in her presence. "I know how you value your appearance, Mom and I wouldn't want you to be embarrassed."
    I also have hair stories from hell as well as other "appearance" related stuff: In their world nothing is "Good enough" or "appropriate" unless it's NM "sanctioned."
    FWIW, I'm old enough to be your grandma and I've worn my hair long for years: It's in a distinctive rope braid that's pinned up. I still get many compliments on it from women AND men. For some reason people expect you to get your hair chopped off, poodle-permed, sprayed and lacquered to withstand a cat 5 hurricane by the time you're 30. The only one who ever saw it down was my late DH. It stays neat regardless of what I'm doing. There's NOTHING WRONG with a pony tail or wearing your hair up-from casual to classic you can do a lot with long hair.
    And I love the dark hair with the red streaks! Rock it while ya can!
    TW

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. XDXDXD imagining doing that made me giggle :D
      And yes, I've also noticed that expectation, especially the tons of lacquering part.
      Your hair must be beautiful :)

      Delete
  2. Hair was a huge issue with my NM. She made me have it cut in a Pixie hair cut (very short) and you could barely distinguish me from my brothers. I still wear it long and down. :) My grand kids seem to like my hair. :) I think they have a much better opinion than NM. I am learning to laugh about how ridiculous my mother's behavior is.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh my God, making you into a "boy" :S

      Delete

Comments are welcome!