Thursday, July 5, 2012

Coffee with EF

I love EF. I love talking to him, I love his company. I know he also loves me. I have tons of amazing memories with him together. Memories about talking, being close, generally having a great time, and NM lurking over us, like the Sword of Damocles waiting to strike. She either tortured me or him (only verbally, of course), or she only said her usual poisonous words: "You are plotting something against me." "I know that you both hate me." "I am sure I am not welcome here."

Over decades, NM installed fear in us. The fear of talking to each other when she knows about it, the fear of vengeance and retribution.

I have been planning this for a week. I needed one week to be able to talk to him at all (there was a very ugly incident with NM two weeks ago, and he was there, staying out of it as usual, but that's a different story), and then I have got myself together and proposed having coffee somewhere in town. He accepted it.

As the day approached, I was both extremely happy, and terrified. And I was wondering whether he would be himself (his true identity), or the co-narcissistic self (where he protects NM over everything else and tries to convince me of lying down to her, so that he wouldn't get tortured by her even more).

He was himself. We had a great time together, and talked, just as we always did, when NM wasn't around. When we arrived home (remember, they are my neighbors), he reverted into his co-narcissistic self.

He told me that his situation is quite unbearable with NM, since I haven't visited for weeks, and she is punishing him for it. He tried to convince me that I "have to" be smarter than NM, meaning that I should give in. That I should talk to her "just for a few minutes" (these usually last hours). That I have to this, and have to that.

And finally, I stood up to myself, while knowing that this will result in him being in further pain (and me being in pain because NM is purposefully hurting someone I love, she knows that this is one of my buttons she can push). I have told him, that I am an adult, and there is nothing that I have to do. I can decide to do or not to do things, but I don't have to. I have also told him to stand up for himself. I have explained, that I will not tolerate anything from NM that I find unacceptable. That I am absolutely not willing to be alone with her, even not for one single minute. And I have also emphasized, that if she dares to do anything, ANYTHING to my future children, I will go NC immediately. I told him that as long as she is able to act human, I will contact her also, sometimes.

I have emphasized again that I loved him, I loved talking to him, and wished to keep in touch with him no matter what NM does.

I know, that this wasn't nearly as difficult as standing up to NM will be, but it still exhausted me emotionally. And I am proud of myself now.


  1. Yay! How ridiculous is it that you're hurting him by protecting yourself! That it would cause HIM pain when you stand up for yourself! That's pathetic, especially as a dad.

    1. When NM has realized that she cannot torture me enough to give in to her most unreasonable requests (such as leaving my boyfriend for her), she has found out that I tend to give in if he tortures my EF. And so she did. And she continues to do so now that I don't live with them anymore. I always have been a firewall between them, the 'postman', the one who tries to maintain the peace.
      He has never protected me , and he still thinks it is my responsibility to protect him from her.
      Pathetic. Yes.

    2. Torture my ass, when it comes to your dad. You can't rape the willing. The idiot could always divorce her. Does he call it that? Torture? My dad was such a drama queen. He would say things like, "Oh dear, when you talk to me like that, when you raise your voice, it feels like you're stabbing me in the chest with a knife and twisting it. Don't you know how much you're hurting me?" Oh God, the drama queen. Oh me oh my, don't you like playing the southern belle. Torture my ass. He likes it. That's why he gets his panties in a twist when you cry or complain cause then you're taking some of that being a victim away from him. Only HE can be tortured. The torture is all his! He likes it. That's why he complains when you take it away from him.

  2. You might want to check out what Rev. Renee Pitelli has to say about enablers such as your father. Even though I'm not religious/Christian I've gained a lot from reading her articles and following her on Facebook.

    1. Wow. Thank you very much for the link. I guess I'll have some more to read, again :)

  3. I am glad others have said what I was thinking as I read this. It is not your job to "fix" your father's marriage or relationships. My father used to do this to me too, until I said enough is enough from the both of you.

    Time for your dad to finally grow up. Where you said no to your dad, my dad would not accept that no. No matter the damage done to me, so you do have that at least. My father got on board the train to damage me when I said no.

    It's nice to hear that you do have the kind of loving relationship where you can get together and enjoy each others company.

    1. It was a long journey for me to get to the "I'm not responsible for fixing my parents' relationship" thought. But at least half of the time I still tend to forget it. Well, room for improvement :)

      Sorry to hear that your dad would not accept that. :hugs:

  4. Despite the all-out brawls my Psychobitch initiated with every family member (Dad, Nsis, me) Dad hung in there until I left for college. He protected both my sister and I when he was around and had enough sense to be realistic about his chances for custody never mind visitation had he divorced her any earlier ('50s/'60s). I am so thankful he was NOT a "Dishrag Dad." And he did divorce her at the ripe old age of 65, initiated proceedings 4 months after a major MI from which he was not expected to recover and later married a lovely widow, my SM. He never denigrated her to either of us kids but allowed her actions to speak for her. He did NOT expect us to simply accept the unacceptable. He listened, he understood, he intervened when he was present and I always felt I could talk to Dad about anything.
    No, he wasn't "perfect." He was a normal man caught on a rebound by a scheming, conniving woman. What a horrible, horrible position for you and others with these EFs to be placed in: IMO, they should reach down and find 'em, not hide behind their kids (regardless of the kid's ages) to "keep the peace" in HIS life.

    1. Yay for your dad for being brave to divorce at that age!

      And the "hiding behind kids" picture is sooo perfectly descriptive. I could not imagine myself doing that, it's so horrible.


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