I have lost one of my best friends. It was his decision, and there is no way he will change his mind. A few days ago, I was still sunbathing in the warm light of his love, and were happily and very excitedly planning our art project together. And yesterday, came the cold reality, that he will leave the project, and will stop talking to me. In order to save his already failed relationship.
The project consisted of several people who depended on him and me. Now everyone, including me are standing above the carcass of the unborn art we wanted to create together, petrified, not understanding what has happened. I bet there is something in the background, it just doesn't make sense for me.
I've spent so far two days with crying, completely unable to eat, feeling the end-of-the-world, grieving for our beloved project and my friend, whom I still love. And trying to find reasons for blaming myself. It must have been my fault. I've killed our friendship. I've killed the project. I'm unable to keep anyone's love and will lose everyone in the end.
I've talked to DB about this, and he empathized with me and also reassured me that it wasn't my fault. That it was the unexpected decision of my friend, and I couldn't have done nothing about it. That I didn't know about it either. That it was his problem that he couldn't handle his personal life, and blamed it on the project, and the co-leader: me. It sounded so rational.
But I'm still searching for my pieces on the floor. This project gave meaning to my life in the past year. It was something that I loved the most, above almost anything else. And to lead it together with a friend, who loved it as much as I did was simply heaven. Now it is all gone, and I have absolutely no clue about how to go on.
However, during the talks with DB, there were two things I've realized, and I guess they are common among ACONs.
- My greatest fear is being abandoned by someone whom I love, and/or losing their love. I am sort of able to handle disasters in my life, but this, I am unable to cope with. I've realized that behind most of the things I do, there is the underlying motive of being afraid of losing love. I can devote extreme amounts of energy into anything that I think can preserve someone's love towards me. I am ready to do anything, bear any kind of pain, give up anything from myself, just not to lose friends.
- If I'm in a deep pain because of someone else, who has hurt me or been unjust with me, no matter how much twisting I have to do in my mind, I try to turn the situation in my head so that I can realize that it was my fault. It has to be my fault. And I am the first to take the blame if someone hurts me. Because if I'm responsible, I can do something against it. I can try harder. Be better. Put more effort in it. Love more. Be more devoted. Sacrifice more of myself. But if it is not my fault, I cannot control it. And I have to realize that someone whom I love, and who I thought loved me, could intentionally cause me pain. And that is more unbearable than being responsible for all the wrongs in the world.
I think that is most people's greatest fear deep down. Who hasn't been or isn't afraid of losing love? But yes, I have had similar experiences. When I first broke up with a friend, it felt really awful and I kept feeling like maybe it was my fault and I felt a lot of pain. But even though I felt an awful amount of guilt about it, I knew I would never go back to her or blame myself again. It was her fault. Even if I had half of it, she had 50% and that 50% was her fault. That 50% made me turn around and it was all her fault. It was all her fault. And that made it worse in a way.
ReplyDeleteSorry about the art project.
I have lost a few really close and loving friendships over the years and always blamed myself and wondered what I'd done wrong. One very close friend I spoke to by phone daily, suddenly turned on me in the nastiest way. Now, years later, she's trying to reconcile but I'm not having it because I won't allow myself to be hurt like that again.
ReplyDeleteMy psychiatrist explained it this way: People grow and change and so do their needs. Maybe the friendship no longer fulfills their needs but that is not a reflection on you.
Sounds to me like your friend's issues lie not with you but elsewhere. Too bad he felt by hurting others he could heal himself!
We ACoNs have been raised to believe WE ALONE are responsible for the success or failure of a relationship. This is not your fault!
Yes, yes, yes. Three out of three. As mulderfan mentions being raised by a narcissistic parent conditioning occurs that the child is to blame for all problems. If your friend came to you and decided to stop working on the art project he made a choice. I don't believe you held a gun to his head and said 'you are going to leave the project.' Kind of extreme but hopefully you see that it was his choice. I learned that people make all sorts of choices that hurt those that are closest to them. A lot of life seems to involve learning to move on from here. What are your options? What can be salvaged? What needs to be let go? Where do you want to go from here? I am sorry this happened. My art projects become very dear to me and I feel a lot of sorrow when one falls apart for what ever reason. Grief for loss helps me prepare for what I want to do next.
ReplyDeleteScatha,
ReplyDeleteFirst, I'm sorry you're hurting. Second, DB sounds like a blessing to have. Third, your point about turning situations on their head to see how you're to blame, I think most ACONS have spent our lives doing this for exactly the reason you say. If it's something WE did wrong, we can fix it or apologize, and we look for ways to give other people an "out." Even when they are the ones who trespassed or betrayed. I think it's something we ACONS need to temper a little, although it's a good character trait to look first for your own responsibility in any conflict. That's something we ACONS have learned. Too well.